Book #28: The Clue of the Black Keys (1968 Edition)

Unfortunately, in contrast to the previous book, The Secret of the Wooden Lady, this book lacked most of the important elements of a good Nancy Drew novel structure.  There were a few good moments, but it wasn't enough to save this title from being placed in the group with Shadow Ranch and Ivory Charm.

In this story, Nancy is visited by a young Archaeology professor (and when I say young, I don't mean "fifty years young."  He's like twenty-one and a professor somehow), Terry Scott, who wants her to solve a mystery.  While on an excavation, "Professor" Scott (I use sarcastic air quotes only because I have trouble imagining a 21 year-old working his ass off to get a PhD in  Archaeology when beer exists) and his fellow age-appropriate professors found a clue that could lead them to an incredible treasure: a BLACK KEY.   Could it be THE black key?

Well, I'll be honest, guys.  Even after reading the book I'm not sure.

What ensues is, quite frankly, about 115 pages of things almost happening.  Terry and Nancy are run off the road (head injury!) but recover within a page.  Terry Scott is kidnapped but they find him in three pages.  Nancy is bound by the book's main villain in the Drew house but is found right away, uninjured.  Ned is a little wary of Nancy spending her time with such a young, successful man, but then that goes nowhere.

Our villains in the book are also a little bland.  The main guy, Juarez Tino (whose parents must really like Benito Juarez, but I don't know if he's honoring the history of La Reforma, guys...) is in cahoots with his own wife and a few other evil married couples with boring, forgettable names.  Of course, boring and forgettable names can be okay if the villains are cruel and horrible enough.  These guys are just knocking people out, sending fake letters, and starting small fires.  The stakes are never very high (at least for the first 3/4 of the book), so I've honestly forgotten half of what happens in this one and I've just finished it.  The villains' main job for most of the story seems to be to attempt and fail to steal the possibly-titular black key from Nancy.

After the aforementioned 115 pages or so of this slogging narrative pace, things finally pick up.  Nancy goes to Florida with a student group (including one of Terry Scott's professor buddies) and realizes that the "black key" that was referenced might actually be one of the Florida keys.  There was also a ship that sank around there called the Black Falcoln.

Okay, so what are we looking for?  I've forgotten/don't care.

The last portion of the book is more exciting (the only reason this book gets two stars instead of 1 or 1 1/2), with Nancy and some new friends trekking to the Black Florida Key and being abducted by Juarez Tino, who threatens to torture Nancy if one of Scott's professor pals doesn't lead him to the treasure.  They then head to Mexico, and the boring-ass villains are apprehended and forced to dig up the treasure and watch it walk away with the Mexican government.  Which is by far the best moment of the whole story.

It took me forever to get through The Clue of the Black Keys.  Characters were introduced, but never developed, so I often ended up saying to myself: "Wait, who's this guy, now?"  Bess and George were once again relegated to girly window-dressing as their only job in this book was to tease Nancy about the totally nonexistent affair between her and Terry Scott.  Nancy goes to Florida and ends up sleuthing with a girl named Fran, but we barely find out any back-story on her so we just glaze over it.  This is all to say nothing of the fact that I'm still not clear on which black key is THE black key.

Also, more racism, but the insidious "hidden" racism that led to this: 

Sigh.  2/5 mags.  Which is generous.

Head Injuries: 1 (13 total)

Book #27: The Secret of the Wooden Lady (1950)

The Secret of the Wooden Lady is truly one of the more perfect Nancy Drew novels.  Old and new editions alike.

Our story starts out in River Heights, where Nancy finds out about a mystery she will soon join her father in solving--an old SAILOR (I'll get to that, don't worry) Captain Easterly, who is searching for the deed to a clipper ship he's fallen in love with named the Bonny Scot.

But, before Nancy can leave, she's called by Bess, who is at that moment being burglarized!  Nancy drives straight over to the Marvin house but, when she heads in to look for Bess, a hand grabs her from behind and shoves her into the back seat of her car.

Whoa.  For a minute there I thought Nancy Drew was about to get really serious.  Like "very special episode" serious.  But, don't worry guys.  We won't need to call in River Heights: CS.  It's just another head injury.  In fact, the burglar causes her to pass out with what seems an awful lot like the Vulcan death grip, but not before Nancy notices about twenty details about the guy's hands.

Nice, Nancy.  Anyhoo, she wakes up and finds poor Bess huddled in a closet.  After this incident, Bess and George are more than ready for a little vacation from River Heights, so they join Nancy and Carson after a day in Boston.

Which brings me to Captain Easterly.  Totally okay that he's a sailor, given that he operates out of Boston Harbor.  That makes the kind of sense I can get behind.  A kind but gruff older man, Captain Easterly's first love is the sea (of course) but running a close second is his precious Bonny Scot.  Without finding the original owner, he cannot get a clean title and buy the ship, a situation made even worse by a mysterious stowaway that has been ransacking the ship's quarters.

Nancy and co. try to run down the stowaway a few times, but only manage to get a description: He dresses like a sailor and has a crazy grizzled face.  So, henceforth, he is known as "Grizzle Face."  Ooooh, pretty good name.  Still doesn't beat Snorky, though.  Grizzle face seems to somehow be involved with Flip Fay as well, the man who police know as "The Crow" and might be the same man who robbed the Marvins back in River Heights (because all of these criminals are just stupid enough to follow Nancy right into whatever mystery she's solving...dumb-ass criminals).

Meanwhile, Nancy finds a series of clues based on the missing figurehead of the Bonny Scot (the titular wooden lady) that leads her to discover the original name of the ship: the "Dream of Melissa."  She gets most of her information from a local Maritime book shop, spending hours on end reading in the loft of the store.  This, of course, makes for a perfect "crime research scene," akin to those montages of uncanny detectives poring over old tomes while classical music plays in the background. Love it!

When Nancy finally tracks down the wooden lady, all set to make way for Captain Easterly to find the ship, however, the ne'er do wells are waiting for her.  Grizzle Face, as it turned out, was just a poor salty old petty criminal.  The real bad guys are Flip Fay (a.k.a. The Crow) and his partner Fred Lane (boooorrrriiingg!  get a name like Grizzle Face, guy!).  Nancy, of course, gets her men, but has to deal with multiple ransackings, an abduction, and a nearly deadly storm.

This is definitely one of my favorites, but in this case there's no bias.  I'm almost worried that this review will be quite boring, as The Secret of the Wooden Lady is simply a well-written, finely crafted mystery with no plot holes, few examples of prejudice (mostly because it's like all white people in the book, but still refreshing after the last one) sailors in the right location, and a satisfying ending.  5/5 mags!

Head Injuries: 1 (12 total)

Book # 26: The Clue of the Leaning Chimney (Revised Edition)

TW/CW: this book is SUPER racist. Other books have also been (Ivory Charm, Clue in the Old Album, etc.) but I feel the need to point out the obvious problematic elements more clearly in this review because it’s that bad.

***

Um, okay. I’ll be honest, I’m not too sure what to say about this one. First of all, for the first two-thirds of the book, Nancy is on a rather dull search for some stolen vases and a clay pit. Second of all, even when the action does speed up, the book (even revised) is so peppered with insensitive and derogatory terms about Asian Americans I can’t stop to enjoy any of it.

Let me ‘splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up…

Nancy is asked by a friend of Bess’s, Dick Milton (which of course just makes me call him “Whole-Grain Penis Bread” in my head), to find a vase that was stolen from his storefront. Turns out, the vase wasn’t for sale but a precious antique that belonged to a local man named Mr. Soong. WARNING: Mr. Soong is NOT Data’s dad, Dr. Noonien Soong. Don’t get excited, as I did, that this will finally be the book in which Nancy is proven to be an android. What follows is scene after scene with horrifying racial slurs about “those Orientals,” and “Chinamen.”

Oyyyyyyyyyyy. Nancy, Chinaman is NOT the preferred nomenclature. Also, please stop being so racist. Reviewing these books while medium-woke is a real eye-opener.

Anyways, Dick (henceforth to be referred to as Whole-Grain Penis Bread) tells Nancy to speak to Soong for him and also see if she can find a mysterious place within the River Heights with a leaning chimney — it might just have a China clay pit that could solve all of Whole-Grain Penis Bread’s money problems. He’s been looking for this leaning chimney FOREVER, guys! Nancy does find the titular leaning chimney — actually, after a short drive, she finds a leaning chimney, finds a secret passageway in that old woman’s home, then finds ANOTHER leaning chimney house across the grounds which is apparently the REAL leaning chimney.

Okay, again, two things. First of all, Whole-Grain Penis Bread must not have been looking too hard. Because Nancy took a casual drive with friends and managed to find not one but TWO leaning chimneys. Second of all, HOW ARE THERE SECRET PASSAGEWAYS IN EVERYONE’S HOME? Should the entrance sing to River Heights say: “Welcome to River Heights — Home of the Nation’s Biggest Sailor Retirement Home! And largest network of secret passageways! And also Nancy Drew!”? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good secret passageway. Bring ’em on. But it makes me wonder if River Heights was like a crazy den of secrecy and crime at one point. Oh, wait…

Back to our story. After finding both leaning chimneys, Nancy talks to Mr. Soong and discovers that, not only is he missing a vase, but some family friends who were supposed to arrive five years ago from China and never made it (little late, Soong). Of course, Nancy is on that case now as well.

DO YOU THINK THEY COULD ALL BE CONNECTED?!

Well, of course they are. Because they are all connected to people from China[sarc]. Seriously, reading this book, I kind of felt like I was having a conversation with my late Nana. Now, I know that this is indicative of the phrases of the time, but it needs to be pointed out, much like the awesome but problematic Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Thoroughly Modern Millie.

Nancy pieces together clue after clue, discovering that the main crook is actually half-Chinese himself so APPARENTLY that’s why he’s going around stealing and replicating only China Clay vases. Um, because if he were white, he’d only be stealing Hummel Figurines? What?!

Not much makes sense in this book. All we really know is that the crook (and his brother, who apparently looks “Chinese enough” to impersonate Mr. Soong, because all the store-owners in town just say “Um, I don’t know. He looked like a Chinaman.” when Nancy wants a detailed description) are holding Soong’s friends, the Engs, captive to create fake vases to sell.

Everything works out in the end — The Engs, Mr. Soong and Whole-Grain Penis Bread are all happy — but I’m left with a big cring-ey feeling. There are some worthwhile parts, but all in all I have to give this one a low 2/5 mags.

Head injuries: 0 (11 total)
Secret Passageways: 1, but it's got to be close to fifty total.
Derogatory phrases: Like a million.  Seriously.  Okay, not seriously but hyperbolically because I need you to understand just how many there were.

Book # 25: The "Ghost" of Blackwood Hall (Revised Edition)

Nancy vs. PEOPLE WHO ARE TOO STUPID TO LIVE...

...is what this book should be called.  First of all, please note that I have once again utilized the sarcastic quotation marks for the word "ghost."  This is because, not only is there no ghost, but Nancy isn't even entertaining the idea that there MIGHT be a ghost.  The only one who ever believes in ghosts in these books is Bess.  I'd really like to have Nancy see a floating translucent dude and say: "Wow, that might actually be a ghost."  But she never does.  There are no ghosts according to Nancy, only "logical explanations."

Since I'm ragging on the book already, you might be wondering why I didn't have the same bitter reaction to The Mystery of the Tolling Bell.  Well, that's because Tolling Bell was really, really good.  This book has an interesting premise that just ends up getting bogged down by a plot that never makes up its mind about what it wants to focus on and characters who are literally so stupid that you want to throw the book against the wall.

Seriously.  I have no idea how Nancy Drew didn't just throw her hands up and yell (in a Cartman voice, because that's how I'm imagining it): "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

The "plot" centers around Nancy helping an elderly woman who has buried her jewels someplace and doesn't remember where.  WHY would she do such an idiotic thing?  That's right--a ghost told her to.  Nancy attempts to help old Mrs. Putney, who thinks she is receiving messages from her late husband, but often hits a wall when the woman refuses to follow her advice and is even downright hostile during the investigation.  Throughout her investigation, Nancy finds a number of people (including Mrs. Putney) who have been duped into going to seances and then tricked out of their money.  There are two young women in particular, Lola and Sadie, who have been giving their entire paycheck to a "Three Branch Ranch," which already sounds either like a cult or a retreat for polygamists.

Either way, these women are throwing all of their money away based on the word of dead relatives--and sometimes not even very close dead relatives at that.  Why on earth would your rando third cousin give up the afterlife to hang out and give you stock tips?!  C'MON, PEOPLE!

The problem with this story in particular, is that we're never really pulled into it.  In most Nancy Drews, we become familiar with a certain location (whether it be another town, a dance studio, an old Inn or even someone's never-ending attic) and let our imaginations follow Nancy on her journey.  In this book, Nancy, Bess and George go on road trips to the woods and I think: "Ooohh, spooky woods?"  They head to New Orleans at one point and figure out a connection with some racketeers there and the Three Branch Ranch scheme and I'm thinking: "Oooohhh, New Orleans!"  But then they come back again after like ten pages.  By the time they finally get to Blackwood Hall, I'm just not immersed.

Not to mention the fact that Nancy's charity case this week is a bunch of FRIKKIN' IDIOTS.  I'm sorry but all of the women being duped by fake ghosts in this story deserve to have their money stolen if they're going to be that stupid.  Oh, wait.  I'm NOT sorry. I’m not even HASHTAG sorry/notsorry because you’d have to omit the first sorry.

Even Nancy loses her patience at one one with the bone-headed Mrs. Putney, who keeps asking Nancy why she's never around when she calls (Um, she's investigating YOUR mystery!  Shut up, you old bag!) and then proceeds to let unmarked black towncars take her to fake seances. She also wants to know who took her marble rye, because I just made that reference and it deserves to be honored.  When her money is once again stolen, she reacts to Nancy coldly and tells her she's been dropping the ball and she won't speak to her again.  Of course, at this point I'm praying that Nancy will grow some oves and kick this dunce to the curb.  But of course she doesn't because she's just too curious.

In the end, there's not a real ghost and everyone gets their money back.  Yaaaayyyyy (weakly).  This one gets 2/5 mags.  Even the scene where Nancy and Ned get caught in quicksand is a bit boring.  And quicksand should NEVER be boring.

Head Injuries: 1 (11 total)

Book # 24: The Clue in the Old Album

It's Lethal Weapon, starring Nancy Drew and Co.!

Nancy is our requisite "loose cannon" a' la' Martin Riggs

Bess "I'm too hungry for this shit!" Marvin as Murtaugh

Except that Bess AND George aren't in this nearly as much as I wish they were.  Again, while they appear from time to time, they are relegated to the "feminine" plots--in this case, doll shopping.  The reason I liken this one to Lethal Weapon is because, much like the L.W. movies, an entire race of people is basically our villain.  Gypsies. 

Sure, there are a few clear villains throughout.  A self-described "Gypsy King" who steals fortune-telling money from his tribe and a shrewd orange-haired woman named Nitaka.  Actually, her hair is always described as "carrot-colored" so I will henceforth refer to her as Carrot Top.  Throughout the book, the Romani are depicted as rude, shifty, superstitious, and crazeballs.

That's right. Crazeballs.  Not Amazeballs or even Crazemazeballs.  Crazeballs.

The story starts out with Nancy witnessing an older woman's purse being stolen (by a Gypsy, of course, despite the fact that the culture is also depicted as never intermixing with other people--a truer stereotype than most of ND's quaint racisms although I'm starting to suspect the era of some tribes' secrecy is waning, what with TLC's My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and all.  Anyhow, the older woman is this book's charity case, Mrs. Struthers, grandmother to an unruly and practically Gypsy-like granddaughter, Rose.  Well, this is of course because Rose is half Romani.  The stereotyping continues.  Mrs. Struthers' daughter, Enid, married a Romani violinist, only to die of a broken heart (but probably cancer) when the man left her alone to raise their daughter.  Mrs. Struthers wonders if Nancy can help her solve the mystery of a missing doll and the child's missing deadbeat dad.

What ensues is an uneven romp that attempts to make doll shopping interesting, which it's clearly not, so they throw in a bunch of really dramatic "gypsy spookiness." My family has Romani blood, but we're just really good traveling companions.  Must the stereotypes reach such epic levels here? 

YES, by the by, is the answer to this. In one example totally befitting the term "crazeballs," Nancy and Ned go to the carnival and end up buying tickets to a live screening of TLC's My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding!  Oh, but not.  It's a fourteen year old child bride being married off to a middle aged man, who gives her a doll to symbolize the fact that, even though she is marrying him, she is still a child.  Um, do I need to switch to RIVER HEIGHTS: CRIMINAL SUSPICIONS format?

[clang clang!]

Nancy Drew: Looks like we've got ourselves a regular sex traffic jam.

Ned Nickerson: (shaking head) Sick bastard...

Alright, that's enough.  But seriously, the concept of child brides gives me what can only and forever be described as the heebie jeebies.

Nancy eventually discovers Rose's not-so-deadbeat-dad, who was being held captive by the tribe, and finds the missing doll which, in an odd turn, has some kind of magic curative power.  Ugh.  I seriously don't love when Nancy Drew books never cop to real hauntings but seem to love fetishized mysticism, much like the final scene in The Mystery of the Ivory Charm which I still say is too stupid to summarize.

At the very end, when the Romani tribe is trying to escape with Rose, her father, and Nancy, the wagons are stopped by the police with Carson, Bess, and George.  The Gypsy King and Carrot Top chortle at the authorities.  "Muhaahahaaa!" they cry.  "Diplomatic immunity!" but then Bess shoots them both with a .45 and says: "HAS BEEN REVOKED."  She then slowly shakes her head and says: "Damn.  I'm too hungry for this shit."

Okay, so that didn't really happen.  Nor were Bess and George present.  Unfortunately.

This book was not nearly so disappointing as Ivory Charm, but it wasn't great either.  I found that my favorite parts centered around Ned Nickerson, who is clearly growing desperate to show Nancy how he feels.  At one point, Nancy jokingly asks Ned if he wants his fortune told, and he tells her his future is pretty much set: he'll "go into business, prosper, and marry a certain ambitious young lady named..."

Omigod! Is it NANCY DREW?!

Well, of course it is, but she cuts him off before he can say it, leading them into My Big Fat Chi-Mo Wedding.

Frakkin' Nancy!  Wake up and smell the eligible bachelor!  I know you're not ready to get married at eighteen, which is fine, but throw him a damn bone, would you?!

So, this one gets a 2 out of 5 mags.  This has been a fairly uneven review but, to be fair, it was an uneven story.

Book #23: The Clue in the Tolling Bell (revised edition)

Hee hee!  This one is my favorite of the old series!  So, basically you should prepare for a totally biased review.  Still snarky, but biased all the same.

Nancy is asked by Carson Drew to accompany him to Candleton, a town by Whitecap Bay, to help a client who has been taken in by a Ponzi scheme that preys on the only modestly wealthy.  Evidently, this bay was far enough for Carson Drew to decide to take a plane (so let's say over 250 miles).  But it is probably short enough for Nancy, Bess and George to take one car and Ned to take another.

Okay, I'm just going to call it: I'm going to stop trying to figure out where River Heights is.  It's supposed to be Midwestern, close-ish to Chicago, along the Muskoka River (which is only in Ontario), and also close enough to the ocean that they keep taking seaside vacations and the town is littered with sailors.  It must be like Springfield on The Simpsons.  Somehow desert, plains, mountains and ocean adjacent.  So, other than the occasional incredulity over the sheer number of sailors, I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.

So, the girls reach Candleton and find Mrs. Chantrey, Mr. Drew's client.  Having been swindled out of all her money, Mrs. Chantrey is trying harder than ever to get her small sandwich shop off the ground.  The girls are on their way to her shop when Bess is drawn like a moth to flame to a perfume cart with a "foreign-looking" woman named Madame selling what can only be described as ass perfume, but is trademarked "Mon Coeur."  Bess is tricked into buying it, and is mocked mercilessly by George until they arrive at Mrs. Chantrey's Saldandee Shop.

Here's a hint: Madame is selling products from the same front-company that swindled Mrs. Chantrey!

  When the girls arrive at the cafe, Mrs. Chantrey is short a few waitresses so the girls step in.  Of course, Nancy uses this not for resume experience but to track down another mystery.  Oh, Nancy.  Mysteries are like Pringles to you, aren't they?  Once you pop, you can't stop...  Anyway, Nancy meets a mysterious older man named Amos Hendricks--A.H. for short-- who leaves behind a clue about an antique Paul Revere Bell.  He wants to search White Cap Bay as well because there is a legend concerning a ghost with a tolling bell at Bald Head Cave, warning seafarers to stay away from the cave during high tide with a warning.

Oh yeah!  A haunting!!!!

It's been a while since there's been even a fake haunting so I'm excited despite Nancy's vulcan-like conclusions that there must be a logical explanation.  Whatever, Nancy.

Nancy, Bess and George head out to the cave on the bay, but are nearly drowned when the bell rings and water rushes out of the entrance.  Poor Bess has to drag a barely conscious George and Nancy somehow ends up on the face of the cliff by the cave.  She claims she doesn't know how she got up there, but I'm assuming she saw something that interested her and impulsively ditched Bess and George.  I love Nancy and all, but this really is her M.O.  So, she decides to climb the rest of the cliff and meet up with them later, but ends up passing out when she smells something strange.

What comes next can only be described as an acid-induced nightmare in which Nancy imagines she is being carried by two elves in full costume who are talking shit about her as she sleeps.  Awesome.  Of course, "There must be a logical explanation" Nancy eventually figures out that the dream was partially real, but the elves were just two really short guys.

A drugged Nancy is eventually picked up by Ned, who arrived in town and ran into Bess and George, who have of course been worried sick and, by now, must be thinking that Nancy needs a leash.  Which she does. When they get back to Mrs. Chantrey's house, the group realizes that Carson Drew isn't yet in Candleton--which is very strange considering he specifically took a plane in order to get there faster.  Because this is many years ago and Nancy can't just text him, everybody tries to convince her that he sent a telegram that just didn't make it.  Nancy doesn't believe that, though, and is not surprised when she gets a call that her father has been found...

DEAD.

Just kidding.  He's not dead, but definitely all drugged up and probably dreaming of elves of his own.  Nancy and Ned rescue him after an almost comical Weekend at Bernie's-esque scene with a fully high on fumes Carson Drew being dragged out of one room by Nancy and then into another by one of the villains is disguise.  Poor Carson.  But he recovers fast, and starts again on the mystery of the foreign man selling bad stock to single older women.  They really do use the word "foreign" a lot in these books.

Holy crap. Is my beloved childhood mystery series a front for anti-immigration propaganda? [Mind explodes]

Meanwhile, Nancy masochistically decides to go back to Bald Head Cave.  You know, where all those people drowned.  Bess says: "Aw HELLS to the no" and I have to say I agree with her.  Regardless, the girls end up going with Nancy so she won't go off by herself and get killed.  When they run into A.H.: Bell Hunter, they invite the man to go with them.  Bess, George and Nancy go off to investigate the cliffside and end up being ditched by A.H., who leaves them stranded on a thin beach about to get hit by high tide.  He later explained that he "remembered he had a meeting."

Um, last I checked, missing a meeting is better than criminally negligent homicide, A.H.  But the girls are fine, so he ends up off the hook.  Ugh.  A.H. Might as well stand for Ass-Hat as far as I'm concerned.

Nancy finds a small cottage on the top of the cliff over the cave that looks like it was abandoned suddenly, and has a strong instinct that it is somehow connected to the Bald Head Cave mystery.  Of course, she's right.  There is a secret passageway leading to an underground lab which serves as the headquarters for Mon Coeur, the ass perfume I mentioned earlier.  The head villain, Tyrox, along with Madame and the really short dudes (one of whom is named Grumper. Which is definitely an elf name, but also probably a really insensitive ableist nickname he was given once), have been manufacturing ass perfume and knock-out drugs (which were responsible for Nancy's acid dream) and counting all the money they've stolen from hard-working individuals.  Grumper had been posing as a ghost in the cave to keep people from investigating the area and ringing a bell that ended up being the very same Paul Revere bell A.H. was looking for.

The real hero of the day, however, is George, who finds help and holds down the fort when Nancy is trapped in the cave and nearly drowned at high tide.  Bess and Ned also show remarkable bravery in this one.  At one point, Bess even helps to pin down a suspect.  I mean, it was Grumper, so it was a lot easier with her finally having some height on a villain, but still.

In the end, most victims (except poor Bess who is stuck with the ass perfume) get their money back and the villains are apprehended.  When Nancy and Ned are strolling along the beach on a well-deserved break, Ned says he has another mystery for Nancy: why it is that she always changes the subject when he brings up something that isn't mysterious?  Oooohh, well-played Ned.  But, of course, Nancy just laughs it off and Ned cries inside because all he wants is for Nancy to pay more attention to him.

The End?

AWESOME. Predictably, and despite some admitted flaws, I give this one a 5/5 mags. Points for nostalgia!!! [But I do feel the need to point out that those points were originally deducted due to moderate amounts of racism/height-ism].

Head Injuries: 1/2 (Nancy passes out and kind of hits her head before she's carries off by elves.  This makes our head injury count an even 10)
Incidence of the word "ass" in this review: 5

Book #22: The Clue in the Crumbling Wall

Head injuries!  Explosions, plural!  Bess and George--finally part of the action again!  Woo-hoo!

The Clue in the Crumbling Wall is the first book in a while that really features Bess and George as Nancy's, ehm, partners in anti-crime again.  The book draws us in with the story of a famous dancer, Juliana Johnson, who was engaged to a local wealthy recluse named Walter Heath (who owns Heath Castle, which seems pretty similar in description to Hearst Castle in California), and her disappearance.  The dancer's sister, Mrs. Fenimore, and her daughter Joan are this book's charity case as they cannot claim the fortune until Juliana is found.  Joan is described as a pretty little eight year old girl who has had brushes with the law.

Crap, really?!

When you're eight years old and have already had "brushes with the law,"plural, that's not a good sign.  However, it would appear that little Joan's bad deeds area always egged on by a local neighborhood tough, Teddy Hooper.  Teddy is a few years older and has already secured his bad boy rep by snatching purses, including Nancy's.  Ohhh-ho-ho.  Teddy, you just snatched the wrong purse, friend.

Nancy, of course, takes the case, and what ensues is an action-packed, though slightly repetitive storyline.  Each day, Nancy, Bess and George go over to Heath Castle to look for clues and each day they are foiled for various reasons.  Big dogs, sinister-looking men, George's clothes getting stolen...

What?  Rewind.

Yes, George falls into a pond at one point when she and Nancy (Bess is of course waiting in the car because she could not make it past the dogs who apparently smell fear) are traversing the estate.  She removes her clothes to dry them, evidently hanging out au natural until she can take off.  Then, in a plot turn not unlike the horrifying tale of peeping/summer classic Porky's, a ten year-old boy swipes her clothes.  Awwwwkkkkkwwaaarrrdd.

So, at this point in the story, Bess is trapped by the bloodthirsty hounds, George is nude, and Nancy is off doing whatever the hell she wants which is usually the case.  I think she might have been trapped in a tower.  But that seems a flimsy excuse while George is trying to fashion pants out of large plants and Bess is dealing with Kujo.  So, I forgive the repetitiveness, because this whole sequence is awesome.

Oh, and by the way, the ten year old boy who steals George’s clothes is Teddy Hooper. Because of COURSE it is. It seems like this kid is really a triple threat in juvenile crime, so why the hell is he still allowed to run around unsupervised? And why is Bart Simpson for that matter? Oh, yeah. They’re white boys, I forgot. Anyhoo, I’m guessing Teddy’s parents have something to do with the goings-on at Hearst Castle. And, since it’s not super-integral to the plot, I’ll tell you: one of the dudes tearing apart the castle and stealing all the furniture is Mr. Hooper. But not the kindly old shopkeeper from Sesame Street. A total douche Mr. Hooper.

You might notice I haven't mentioned the villains yet.  Well, that's because it's quite clear who the villain is from the beginning and he has a boring name.  It's the estate lawyer.  Because, apparently, all lawyers are crooked except for Carson Drew in this reality.

There is a character named Salty, a neighbor of Nancy's who sells clams from the river and occasionally helps the girls get over to the castle from the river side.  Now, Salty is not a villain, but in fact is a retired SOMETHING.  Can you guess what?

You can't?  C'mon!  What's the number one out-of-work occupation for older men in River Heights?  That's right.  He's a SAILOR.  So, at this point, I imagine that the entrance sign to River Heights says: "Welcome to River Heights--Home of the Nation's Biggest Sailor Retirement Home!  And also Nancy Drew!"  Yep, pretty sure that's what it says.

So, with the help of Salty, her father, and Bess and George, Nancy finally finds a few valuable hints within the wall of the castle and tracks down Juliana Johnson.  Her story turns out to be a sad one, as she was paralyzed in an auto accident and ran off because she couldn't see how Walter Heath could love her as anything but a graceful dancer.  When she realizes that Heath has passed away, and that her family needs her, Juliana returns, deciding to turn Heath Castle into a home for disabled children.  It's a feel good ending that would do any Lifetime movie proud.  Although, in Lifetime movie form, it would be called A Dancer No More: The Juliana Johnson Story.  Oh, Lifetime movies!

So, this one was a page-turner.  I would generally give it a 4/5 just because it does get a bit old with the constantly returning to the castle only to have to escape, but the near farce that was George's clothes getting stolen and Bess sneaking into the villain's car only to be faced with the same pack of dogs, was just priceless.  I give this one a 4 1/2 out of 5 mags!


Head Injuries: 1 (9 1/2 total)
Explosions: 2 (7 total)
Sailors: 1 more out of a number too big to count...