Nancy is asked by Carson Drew to accompany him to Candleton, a town by Whitecap Bay, to help a client who has been taken in by a Ponzi scheme that preys on the only modestly wealthy. Evidently, this bay was far enough for Carson Drew to decide to take a plane (so let's say over 250 miles). But it is probably short enough for Nancy, Bess and George to take one car and Ned to take another.
Okay, I'm just going to call it: I'm going to stop trying to figure out where River Heights is. It's supposed to be Midwestern, close-ish to Chicago, along the Muskoka River (which is only in Ontario), and also close enough to the ocean that they keep taking seaside vacations and the town is littered with sailors. It must be like Springfield on The Simpsons. Somehow desert, plains, mountains and ocean adjacent. So, other than the occasional incredulity over the sheer number of sailors, I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
So, the girls reach Candleton and find Mrs. Chantrey, Mr. Drew's client. Having been swindled out of all her money, Mrs. Chantrey is trying harder than ever to get her small sandwich shop off the ground. The girls are on their way to her shop when Bess is drawn like a moth to flame to a perfume cart with a "foreign-looking" woman named Madame selling what can only be described as ass perfume, but is trademarked "Mon Coeur." Bess is tricked into buying it, and is mocked mercilessly by George until they arrive at Mrs. Chantrey's Saldandee Shop.
Here's a hint: Madame is selling products from the same front-company that swindled Mrs. Chantrey!
When the girls arrive at the cafe, Mrs. Chantrey is short a few waitresses so the girls step in. Of course, Nancy uses this not for resume experience but to track down another mystery. Oh, Nancy. Mysteries are like Pringles to you, aren't they? Once you pop, you can't stop... Anyway, Nancy meets a mysterious older man named Amos Hendricks--A.H. for short-- who leaves behind a clue about an antique Paul Revere Bell. He wants to search White Cap Bay as well because there is a legend concerning a ghost with a tolling bell at Bald Head Cave, warning seafarers to stay away from the cave during high tide with a warning.
Oh yeah! A haunting!!!!
It's been a while since there's been even a fake haunting so I'm excited despite Nancy's vulcan-like conclusions that there must be a logical explanation. Whatever, Nancy.
Nancy, Bess and George head out to the cave on the bay, but are nearly drowned when the bell rings and water rushes out of the entrance. Poor Bess has to drag a barely conscious George and Nancy somehow ends up on the face of the cliff by the cave. She claims she doesn't know how she got up there, but I'm assuming she saw something that interested her and impulsively ditched Bess and George. I love Nancy and all, but this really is her M.O. So, she decides to climb the rest of the cliff and meet up with them later, but ends up passing out when she smells something strange.
What comes next can only be described as an acid-induced nightmare in which Nancy imagines she is being carried by two elves in full costume who are talking shit about her as she sleeps. Awesome. Of course, "There must be a logical explanation" Nancy eventually figures out that the dream was partially real, but the elves were just two really short guys.
A drugged Nancy is eventually picked up by Ned, who arrived in town and ran into Bess and George, who have of course been worried sick and, by now, must be thinking that Nancy needs a leash. Which she does. When they get back to Mrs. Chantrey's house, the group realizes that Carson Drew isn't yet in Candleton--which is very strange considering he specifically took a plane in order to get there faster. Because this is many years ago and Nancy can't just text him, everybody tries to convince her that he sent a telegram that just didn't make it. Nancy doesn't believe that, though, and is not surprised when she gets a call that her father has been found...
DEAD.
Just kidding. He's not dead, but definitely all drugged up and probably dreaming of elves of his own. Nancy and Ned rescue him after an almost comical Weekend at Bernie's-esque scene with a fully high on fumes Carson Drew being dragged out of one room by Nancy and then into another by one of the villains is disguise. Poor Carson. But he recovers fast, and starts again on the mystery of the foreign man selling bad stock to single older women. They really do use the word "foreign" a lot in these books.
Holy crap. Is my beloved childhood mystery series a front for anti-immigration propaganda? [Mind explodes]
Meanwhile, Nancy masochistically decides to go back to Bald Head Cave. You know, where all those people drowned. Bess says: "Aw HELLS to the no" and I have to say I agree with her. Regardless, the girls end up going with Nancy so she won't go off by herself and get killed. When they run into A.H.: Bell Hunter, they invite the man to go with them. Bess, George and Nancy go off to investigate the cliffside and end up being ditched by A.H., who leaves them stranded on a thin beach about to get hit by high tide. He later explained that he "remembered he had a meeting."
Um, last I checked, missing a meeting is better than criminally negligent homicide, A.H. But the girls are fine, so he ends up off the hook. Ugh. A.H. Might as well stand for Ass-Hat as far as I'm concerned.
Nancy finds a small cottage on the top of the cliff over the cave that looks like it was abandoned suddenly, and has a strong instinct that it is somehow connected to the Bald Head Cave mystery. Of course, she's right. There is a secret passageway leading to an underground lab which serves as the headquarters for Mon Coeur, the ass perfume I mentioned earlier. The head villain, Tyrox, along with Madame and the really short dudes (one of whom is named Grumper. Which is definitely an elf name, but also probably a really insensitive ableist nickname he was given once), have been manufacturing ass perfume and knock-out drugs (which were responsible for Nancy's acid dream) and counting all the money they've stolen from hard-working individuals. Grumper had been posing as a ghost in the cave to keep people from investigating the area and ringing a bell that ended up being the very same Paul Revere bell A.H. was looking for.
The real hero of the day, however, is George, who finds help and holds down the fort when Nancy is trapped in the cave and nearly drowned at high tide. Bess and Ned also show remarkable bravery in this one. At one point, Bess even helps to pin down a suspect. I mean, it was Grumper, so it was a lot easier with her finally having some height on a villain, but still.
In the end, most victims (except poor Bess who is stuck with the ass perfume) get their money back and the villains are apprehended. When Nancy and Ned are strolling along the beach on a well-deserved break, Ned says he has another mystery for Nancy: why it is that she always changes the subject when he brings up something that isn't mysterious? Oooohh, well-played Ned. But, of course, Nancy just laughs it off and Ned cries inside because all he wants is for Nancy to pay more attention to him.
The End?
AWESOME. Predictably, and despite some admitted flaws, I give this one a 5/5 mags. Points for nostalgia!!! [But I do feel the need to point out that those points were originally deducted due to moderate amounts of racism/height-ism].
Head Injuries: 1/2 (Nancy passes out and kind of hits her head before she's carries off by elves. This makes our head injury count an even 10)
Incidence of the word "ass" in this review: 5
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