Nancy Drew vs. A Bunch of Sailors in the Midwest
If you have some questions about what a BUNCH OF SAILORS are doing in the Midwest...trust me, so do I. The Quest of the Missing Map has a few flaws, most notably the number of sailors in the Chicago suburbs (they say they're married to the sea...but do they mean the muddy banks of the Muskoka River?), a slow start, and an abundance of characters that seems to rival Game of Thrones or the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. However, this is a good one.
We start our mystery with a young friend who is deciding whether or not to take a job as a governess to this bratty youth named Trixie Chatham. Mrs. Chatham seems completely out of it and keeps a distance from her daughter, in a very Lady Mary-esque fashion. Mrs. Chatham is also recently widowed and, judging by the manner in which Trixie speaks, has made NO effort to teach her daughter proper grammar. They claim to be living on a somewhat meager insurance policy, but then make offhand remarks about not being able to afford "reliable" servants. Oh, BOO-FRIKKIN'-HOO. First world problems, man.
Nancy's friend/Trixie's future governess is also a bit in the red, as she's trying to afford tuition at the music academy she attends. Based on Mrs. Chatham being a pain in the ass and Trixie being a poorly-spoken pain in the ass, Ellen isn't sure if she wants to take the job. Then, Nancy finds out that there may be a connection between Ellen and the Chatham's that neither could have anticipated: Ellen's father has a long lost twin brother, both sons of a sailor. Mrs. Chatham's late husband (also a sailor) is, in fact, that long lost twin brother!
duh DUH DUUHHHH!
Family reunion? Oh, wait. Mr. Chatham is dead. Awkward.
Well, in lieu of a joyous reunion, we have a treasure hunt! Each brother is said to have half a map that culd lead to infinite riches--which means music school for Ellen and better servants for the Chathams! Oh, the servants that money could buy! Maybe they could even get a Carson. Wouldn't that be grand?!
Okay, so I harbor some bitterness towards rich people. But, to be fair, it's mostly because they have money.
What ensues is an action-packed, if somewhat repetitive adventure. Nancy has made a series of copies of the map, both accurate and inaccurate, to trap a couple named Fred and Irene Brown (whoa, boring names for villains) and an old sailor (SAILOR) named Spike Doty. So, the map is stolen like seven times, but fortunately they are map COPIES of varying inaccuracy. Because Nancy thinks of everything. Nancy is kidnapped once and receives a head injury at the accidental hand of Trixie. Trixie disappears twice, and no one cares.
Ned, Bess, George, Burt and Dave are all featured in the adventure, but don't have as much to do as usual. At one point, Nancy attends an Emerson dance with Ned and they blindfold her, only to reveal themselves all in masks a moment later. Um, I'm sorry. Is this Nancy Drew and the Curious Incident of the College Orgy? Or is it Eyes Wide Shut? In any event, it was creepy. Oh, wait...and Nancy was kidnapped then too. I'll admit, I'm not sure if it was the same kidnapping. There are almost as many kidnappings as sailors in this book.
NOW ONTO THE SAILORS. What in the hell are a bunch of sailors doing living in the Midwest? And they're not, like, fishermen who go out on the lakes. They're full-on SAILORS. Where's your ocean, sailors?! Is it, like, ONE THOUSAND MILES AWAY? Well, I'll say this. It's no wonder these sailors turned to crime, with that kind of commute. There is just no way to be a sailor and make a profit living 1,000 miles away from your job. The head villainous sailor is named Spike Doty, although there are more sailors. One of them is named...wait for it...
SNORKY.
Yep. I'm calling it. Best villain name in a Nancy Drew thus far. And it's not even Snorky Jones, or Snorky McShadypants. It's JUST Snorky. Like Cher. But don't get too attached to your best villain name status, Snorky. We have Swahili Joe coming up in another 15-20 books.
Snorky gets the gang into all sorts of trouble when they--along with the Chathams, Ellen, and some fraternity brother of Ned's who happens to be a distant relative of the Chathams and Ellen's family--go on a treasure hunting cruise (which they, of course, have to fly to first because they are like a MILLION miles from the ocean). The fraternity brother, Bill Tomlin, and Ellen have some kind of sexual tension despite the fact that they are cousins. Move to Shelbyville, Ellen and Bill! You'll be accepted there! Anyhoo, Snorky tries to poison several people on-board, but Nancy outwits him. They eventually find the island and the treasure, easily subduing the various evil sailors. They were actually pretty easy to catch. Probably because of all the scurvy. You know, from living in the Midwest and not being able to afford oranges.
So, of course, with all the villains in jail (Fred and Irene Brown were also caught earlier, but their names made it too boring to mention--next time get a name like Snorky, idiots!) everyone is rich and happy. Servants for all!
Seriously, I make fun but this one was quite enjoyable. The incessant map-switching and kidnapping got to be a bit much, as well as the crazy number of characters to follow (The Smiths, the Tomlins, the Chathams, the Sailors, the Browns, and even more I'm too tired to mention). I give this one a 4/5 mags.
Head injury count: 1--8 1/2 total
Explosions: Almost one. But I guess we won't count it.
Kidnappings: 4? Maybe less. It seemed like 4.
Sailors: Infinite
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