...or, as it should be called: The Triple Dog Mega Secret Probation Jinx Mystery
This book was...really weird. Our story starts off with Nancy being asked to help a client of her father's whose exotic bird farm is set to be torn down by a local real estate company called "High Rise Company." Yes, the generic High Rise Company wants to pave paradise to put up a parking lot, so to speak, and they have pulled out all the stops to get Mr. Drew's client, Oscar Thurston to sell his farm. The Thurstons are your typical Nancy Drew sob story, a kindly old man and his disabled wife (I'm definitely irritated by the inspiration porn going on in the series at this point, but I'll let that go for now) who just want to keep their aviary and home. Mrs. Thurston, however, is a bit high strung, what with the constant threats. She insists they are being jinxed. No, DOUBLE JINXED. I'm betting my this story's end, Nancy and her fiends will be triple dog mega secret probation jinxed, but that's just a guess.
And I'm totally right! Nancy, Ned and their friends get into a mess of trouble, from obtaining some kind of bird flu after the exotic pets are poisoned to getting shoved over a dam. Each time something bad happens, someone says they must be jinxed and I'm starting to feel like I should be making the whole thing into a drinking game. They also keep saying the word "Eurasian" which I feel like might be offensive but apparently is something people were described as. The Thurstons have a mysterious Eurasian house guest, Kamenka (or, Kammy) who is studying orinthology at the local college and she has a pet, a Eurasian bird named Petra. The rest of the book is so peppered with references to birds, jinxes, and people of Eurasian descent that I can't help but note that I would be extremely drunk right now if it were a drinking game.
Hmmmm. A reading drinking game. I might have to make that a thing.
The "mystery" of who is responsible for the sabotage, threats and bird poisoning incidents that have befallen the Thurstons is clearly going to lead back to this High Rise Company, so each dangerous incident ending in the jinxing, double jinxing, or dodectuple jinxing of our heroes kind of falls flat.
The criminals, clearly hired by the aforementioned HRC (and it's owner, Mr. Wright) have names like Spike, Merv Marvel and, I kid you not, Slick Fingers O' Maylay. Yet another example of why parents are really doing their children a disservice by naming them things like "Shifty," "Swindly," or "Slick Fingers." You're really setting those kids up for a life of crime, guys.
Most of the book sees Nancy lobbying the town council to vote for an addendum to the High Rise project that restores and maintains the Thurston's farm, and is really the only interesting part of the book, save for the bizarre ending. It's incredible how dull a book can be that contains repeated bomb threats.
In the end, Nancy "saves" the Thurstons by getting the council to vote to save it, and also manages to track down the criminals. Slick Fingers is easy enough to pin down, but Nancy is kidnapped by one of the main crooks, Merv Marvel. He is actually an ex high-jumper for the ballet, a real Baryshnikov (Nancy and Ned had discovered his involvement while looking for clues at the ballet). Apparently, Merv saw Nancy dancing--which she can do because of COURSE she can--and decides he wants to take Nancy to dance at his weird demonic coven.
Wait, back up (insert "truck backing up" sound)...
Yeah, this is where things get weird. Merv Marvel takes Nancy captive and suggests that she be his new "dancing partner." Nancy goes along with it to stay alive, and then the two of them dance-leap to this old barn, at which point it seems like Merv wants to take Nancy as his bride. When they enter the barn, Nancy sees a bunch of people in masks dancing in a "convulsive" and "snake-like" manner. At this point in the narrative, I'm doing cartoonish eye-rubbing double takes and wondering if I somehow forgot that this Nancy Drew book ends in an Eyes Wide Shut-esque orgy. It does not. Apparently, Marvel is part of a demonic cult that tricks weirdos and criminals into giving its "Grand Master" lots of cash. The whole thing is set up by--big surprise--the dude from the High Rise Company.
Wow. What a ludicrous way to end that story. A story in which, inexplicably, Nancy and everyone around is convinced that jinxes (DRINK!) are real and that bad luck is a thing. The whole novel feels kind of disjointed and not really befitting the Nancy Drew vibe.
I give this one a disappointing 2/5 mags.
Nancy Drew Drinking Game:
GENERAL:
*Drink whenever Nancy has a double/doppelganger
* Drink whenever Nancy can somehow do everything perfectly (act, model, dance etc.)
*Drink whenever Bess is fat shamed
*Drink whenever Ned remarks about marrying Nancy and she totally blows him off
*Drink whenever George says "Hypers!"
*Drink whenever Bess is afraid
*Drink whenever someone is kidnapped
*Drink for every criminal with a hilarious name
*Drink whenever it's not a haunting
THE DOUBLE JINX MYSTERY:
*Drink whenever you see the word "Jinx"
*Drink whenever you see the word "Eurasian."
Congratulations. You're now dead.
Showing posts with label Books #41-50. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Books #41-50. Show all posts
Friday, May 20, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
Book #49: The Secret of Mirror Bay
The Secret of Mirror Bay...
...is that Nancy has one million doppelgangers.
No, really. She must have one MILLION. Unless titian hair is so uncommon that anyone with similar hair color is automatically mistaken for her. Let me back up.
The original gangsta mystery is the ghostly happenings surrounding Aunt Eloise's vacation cabin where they are staying, the Mirror Bay Bide-a-Wee. Some say (the start to any verified story) that a woman has been seen gliding across the top of the water, and that a mad sorcerer roams the woods, bearing an unearthly glow. Ooooh, this has all the makings of another...
RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!
Nancy Drew: Have you ever had a pesky ghost haunt your bed & breakfast? A no-good spook send you other-worldly messages about giving away your fortune? How about a phantom just going to TOWN on your showboat? Well, we're Nancy Drew and co. and we're here to tell you--it's never a haunting! That's right, say it with me once more: IT'S NEVER A HAUNTING!
You've got it, folks. Our River Heights crew is back and they're here at Mirror bay to de-stress...and debunk!!!
George Fayne: Well, at first when we heard about the lady floating on the water, I was like "bitch, please." I mean it's never a ghost. Never!
Bess Marvin: Oh, sure, I believe. I mean, it's never turned out to be a ghost before but this time. [Takes deep, ominous breath] This time I think it could be for real. [Another pointed pause]. Yeah. For mega-realsies, guys.
Ned Nickerson: Well, at first when I saw that glowing sorcerer dude, I thought it has to be an alien. I mean, what other kind of creature would be glowing green and flitting around the woods? Mr. Burns? Bringing us love? I don't think so.
Nancy: There you have it, people. Our gang has a lot of conflicting theories. But, as per usual, I'm about to completely prove them all wrong. Because I'm Nancy Drew and, in addition to my flawless skills in almost any art, sport or contest, I also KNOW EVERYTHING.
CATCH THEM TONIGHT ON...RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!!
Okay, that's enough of that. But now that I think of it that would be a really good show. Nancy and the gang quickly set out to disprove the new local ghost theory, with Bess and George even trying their hand at it. George stands on Bess's shoulders and appears to glide over the top of the lake, causing Nancy to wonder if the ghost could really be a prank. Her musings are quickly interrupted, however, by George making snarky remarks about how she could never be the one holding Bess on her shoulders, as she'd have to be "Supergirl."
Yikes.
Well, I guess George gets one jab per book, right? I mean, after all this time, George must see that her cousin has feelings. Right? Whoa, spoke too soon. Within a few pages, Bess mentions that she's hungry and George tells her she sounds like a contestant in an "eating contest," and, a few pages after that, tells her that if she eats one more sweet roll she will in fact resemble a sweet roll. Okay, sorry George, but I call bitch. Sure, Bess likes to eat, but that doesn't mean she deserves this constant haranguing. At this point in the book, I'm starting to wish that my fake Lifetime movie Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin had ended with Bess strangling George with a licorice rope or something.
George's bullying aside, however, the girls soon find themselves ensconced in not one but three mysteries. The gliding female figure is soon debunked when they save a woman walking in stilts in the lake (Note: evidently she was doing this because she can't swim, but was stilt-walking in a lake without a life vest. Super smart.) but the woman soon gives them another mystery to solve: finding a child's royal coach that had been brought over by her ancestors from Czarist Russia, but had somehow ended up in the lake after a tragedy that ended in the child's death. This mystery ends up being kind of an add-on and red herring, but I'll come back to it later.
Onto the doppelganger! There is yet another double of Nancy running around stealing from people. So, in addition to the three mysteries, Nancy also has to deal with people accosting her on the street accusing her of selling them fake vacations or stealing their purse. She also keeps nearly getting arrested by the police, but gets out of it each time when the officer decides that she must be a different girl because the thiefelganger (yes, that's thief and doppelganger and get used to it--I love word portmanteau) has a hard face. You know, the criminals in these stories might want to work on their facial expressions. It's apparently really easy to tell a criminal from their flashing dark eyes and hard expressions. Fake Nancy also seems to catch on that she looks like our girl detective and that the gang is investigating something on the mountainside near the lake where the sorcerer has been spotted, so she goes out of her way to dress in similar clothes just to slow Nancy down. Great job, thiefelganger. Now, Nancy is totally onto the fact that there's something to investigate.
The gang checks out the mountainside and are immediately stopped by a glowing, furry green figure spouting nonsense. My first thought was that it was the Philadelphia fanatic, drunk again, but apparently it's one of the criminals. The green man, along with another man in a crazy mask, are clearly freaked out by Nancy's appearance in the area, because they try to kidnap Bess, rob their cabin, and play all sorts of tricks. I'm sure they meant to scare Nancy away, but they clearly haven't gotten the memo that this just makes things worse for them.
While they are knee-deep in the mysteries, Ned, Burt and Dave show up to help out. They've also brought along a professor, who seems to have eyes for Aunt Eloise. Oooh la la. I've never thought about it, but I have no idea why Aunt Eloise is single (unless she's secretly gay or something). She's nice, thin, beautiful and owns her own apartment in Upper Manhattan. I call bullshit that she wouldn't have been snapped up by now.
The professor, however, ends up being the key to the whole sorcerer-thiefelganger mystery. He recognizes the two men in the criminal pack as "renegade scientists" who stole the formula for a firefly-based cool light experiment from a nearby real scientist. Apparently, they have been conducting experiments in the caves on the mountainside (with thiefelganger Doria, the wife of one of the scientists, stealing money for the supplies) and were afraid of being found out by Nancy and her crew. In my opinion, they did everything short of waving their hands in the air and shouting "Hey! Don't investigate us! Something sinister is happening here but it's not us! It's something scaaaaarry! So stay away!" Morons.
Despite the top-tier idiocy of the villains this was a really enjoyable tale. The Czarist Russia royal coach discovery in the lake at the end felt a bit disconnected and tacked on because it had little to nothing to do with the main events, but I still loved the book as a whole.
4 1/2 out of 5 mags
Head Injuries: 0 (23 total)
Fat Shamings: 3 (1 bazillion total)
...is that Nancy has one million doppelgangers.
No, really. She must have one MILLION. Unless titian hair is so uncommon that anyone with similar hair color is automatically mistaken for her. Let me back up.
The original gangsta mystery is the ghostly happenings surrounding Aunt Eloise's vacation cabin where they are staying, the Mirror Bay Bide-a-Wee. Some say (the start to any verified story) that a woman has been seen gliding across the top of the water, and that a mad sorcerer roams the woods, bearing an unearthly glow. Ooooh, this has all the makings of another...
RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!
Nancy Drew: Have you ever had a pesky ghost haunt your bed & breakfast? A no-good spook send you other-worldly messages about giving away your fortune? How about a phantom just going to TOWN on your showboat? Well, we're Nancy Drew and co. and we're here to tell you--it's never a haunting! That's right, say it with me once more: IT'S NEVER A HAUNTING!
You've got it, folks. Our River Heights crew is back and they're here at Mirror bay to de-stress...and debunk!!!
George Fayne: Well, at first when we heard about the lady floating on the water, I was like "bitch, please." I mean it's never a ghost. Never!
Bess Marvin: Oh, sure, I believe. I mean, it's never turned out to be a ghost before but this time. [Takes deep, ominous breath] This time I think it could be for real. [Another pointed pause]. Yeah. For mega-realsies, guys.
Ned Nickerson: Well, at first when I saw that glowing sorcerer dude, I thought it has to be an alien. I mean, what other kind of creature would be glowing green and flitting around the woods? Mr. Burns? Bringing us love? I don't think so.
Nancy: There you have it, people. Our gang has a lot of conflicting theories. But, as per usual, I'm about to completely prove them all wrong. Because I'm Nancy Drew and, in addition to my flawless skills in almost any art, sport or contest, I also KNOW EVERYTHING.
CATCH THEM TONIGHT ON...RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!!
Okay, that's enough of that. But now that I think of it that would be a really good show. Nancy and the gang quickly set out to disprove the new local ghost theory, with Bess and George even trying their hand at it. George stands on Bess's shoulders and appears to glide over the top of the lake, causing Nancy to wonder if the ghost could really be a prank. Her musings are quickly interrupted, however, by George making snarky remarks about how she could never be the one holding Bess on her shoulders, as she'd have to be "Supergirl."
Yikes.
Well, I guess George gets one jab per book, right? I mean, after all this time, George must see that her cousin has feelings. Right? Whoa, spoke too soon. Within a few pages, Bess mentions that she's hungry and George tells her she sounds like a contestant in an "eating contest," and, a few pages after that, tells her that if she eats one more sweet roll she will in fact resemble a sweet roll. Okay, sorry George, but I call bitch. Sure, Bess likes to eat, but that doesn't mean she deserves this constant haranguing. At this point in the book, I'm starting to wish that my fake Lifetime movie Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin had ended with Bess strangling George with a licorice rope or something.
George's bullying aside, however, the girls soon find themselves ensconced in not one but three mysteries. The gliding female figure is soon debunked when they save a woman walking in stilts in the lake (Note: evidently she was doing this because she can't swim, but was stilt-walking in a lake without a life vest. Super smart.) but the woman soon gives them another mystery to solve: finding a child's royal coach that had been brought over by her ancestors from Czarist Russia, but had somehow ended up in the lake after a tragedy that ended in the child's death. This mystery ends up being kind of an add-on and red herring, but I'll come back to it later.
Onto the doppelganger! There is yet another double of Nancy running around stealing from people. So, in addition to the three mysteries, Nancy also has to deal with people accosting her on the street accusing her of selling them fake vacations or stealing their purse. She also keeps nearly getting arrested by the police, but gets out of it each time when the officer decides that she must be a different girl because the thiefelganger (yes, that's thief and doppelganger and get used to it--I love word portmanteau) has a hard face. You know, the criminals in these stories might want to work on their facial expressions. It's apparently really easy to tell a criminal from their flashing dark eyes and hard expressions. Fake Nancy also seems to catch on that she looks like our girl detective and that the gang is investigating something on the mountainside near the lake where the sorcerer has been spotted, so she goes out of her way to dress in similar clothes just to slow Nancy down. Great job, thiefelganger. Now, Nancy is totally onto the fact that there's something to investigate.
The gang checks out the mountainside and are immediately stopped by a glowing, furry green figure spouting nonsense. My first thought was that it was the Philadelphia fanatic, drunk again, but apparently it's one of the criminals. The green man, along with another man in a crazy mask, are clearly freaked out by Nancy's appearance in the area, because they try to kidnap Bess, rob their cabin, and play all sorts of tricks. I'm sure they meant to scare Nancy away, but they clearly haven't gotten the memo that this just makes things worse for them.
While they are knee-deep in the mysteries, Ned, Burt and Dave show up to help out. They've also brought along a professor, who seems to have eyes for Aunt Eloise. Oooh la la. I've never thought about it, but I have no idea why Aunt Eloise is single (unless she's secretly gay or something). She's nice, thin, beautiful and owns her own apartment in Upper Manhattan. I call bullshit that she wouldn't have been snapped up by now.
The professor, however, ends up being the key to the whole sorcerer-thiefelganger mystery. He recognizes the two men in the criminal pack as "renegade scientists" who stole the formula for a firefly-based cool light experiment from a nearby real scientist. Apparently, they have been conducting experiments in the caves on the mountainside (with thiefelganger Doria, the wife of one of the scientists, stealing money for the supplies) and were afraid of being found out by Nancy and her crew. In my opinion, they did everything short of waving their hands in the air and shouting "Hey! Don't investigate us! Something sinister is happening here but it's not us! It's something scaaaaarry! So stay away!" Morons.
Despite the top-tier idiocy of the villains this was a really enjoyable tale. The Czarist Russia royal coach discovery in the lake at the end felt a bit disconnected and tacked on because it had little to nothing to do with the main events, but I still loved the book as a whole.
4 1/2 out of 5 mags
Head Injuries: 0 (23 total)
Fat Shamings: 3 (1 bazillion total)
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Book #48: The Crooked Bannister
The Crooked Bannister or, if you judge a book by its cover, Nancy Vs. the Evil Robot!
Hold onto your hats, Nancy Drew fans. This is one of the good ones. Which, of course, will inevitably lead to a less amusing review. But still.
The Crooked Bannister is one of my favorites, in part because it has one of the weirdest and best villains, Rawley Banister. Not only has he excelled in swindling the masses out of their money, but he's used those ill-gotten gains to build the kind of house that children might dare each other to approach on Halloween, a house that was both awesome and looked like what would happen if architecture was a sentient being that threw up everywhere. First of all, there is a moat surrounding the house that catches fire when you cross it--mega cool. Then, there's an evil robot that plays cassette tapes. There is a creepy portrait hall with paintings of relatives covered in poison-dipped black ink and, finally, there is the titular crooked banister that seems to run straight through the floor instead of ending at the base of the landing. So, as you might expect, just in setting alone, this book gets an A+.
Nancy starts on the case at the behest of her father, whose kindly clients have been swindled by the nefarious Rawley Banister. He insists because of the danger involved that Nancy bring her friends George and Bess along and, because, they're apparently never in school, working or doing anything, they are happy to come along.
Unfortunately, the kindly Bess is herself swindled by an accomplice of Banister, Clyde Mead. He convinces her to send money to a poor and starving young boy on a reservation and then starts to send her fake letters with pictures of the young boy. Wait. Is Sally Struthers also an accomplice of Rawley Banister? Is that reference just a tad outdated? Either way, George basically makes Bess feel like Queen Doofus of Idiotville for sending the money.
After the swindle, and numerous sticky situations at the Banister house, Nancy brings in more reinforcements in the shape of Ned, Burt and Dave. The rest of the mystery sees some spectacular kickings of our gang's ass, but not even by the villain himself. No, he's set up his Smart House (so ahead of its time...) to release evil robots, poison, maim and potentially burn alive any intruders. I've got to be honest here: after a while, I start to really respect Rawley Banister. Most Nancy Drew villains are lurking in the shadows, sending threatening notes or locking her in closets to "teach her a lesson" when all it ever does is strengthen her resolve. This guy just lets his house do it. Brilliant.
In the end, it turns out Rawley Banister died in a water cruiser explosion (Wow, another jet ski explosion? Doesn't it seem like people in this universe should avoid them if they're so prone to fiery deaths for the passenger?) and Clyde Mead tries to take over villain duties. Unfortunately for Clyde, he didn't build an awesome house that will kill for him. Sorry, Clyde. Game over.
Hold onto your hats, Nancy Drew fans. This is one of the good ones. Which, of course, will inevitably lead to a less amusing review. But still.
The Crooked Bannister is one of my favorites, in part because it has one of the weirdest and best villains, Rawley Banister. Not only has he excelled in swindling the masses out of their money, but he's used those ill-gotten gains to build the kind of house that children might dare each other to approach on Halloween, a house that was both awesome and looked like what would happen if architecture was a sentient being that threw up everywhere. First of all, there is a moat surrounding the house that catches fire when you cross it--mega cool. Then, there's an evil robot that plays cassette tapes. There is a creepy portrait hall with paintings of relatives covered in poison-dipped black ink and, finally, there is the titular crooked banister that seems to run straight through the floor instead of ending at the base of the landing. So, as you might expect, just in setting alone, this book gets an A+.
Nancy starts on the case at the behest of her father, whose kindly clients have been swindled by the nefarious Rawley Banister. He insists because of the danger involved that Nancy bring her friends George and Bess along and, because, they're apparently never in school, working or doing anything, they are happy to come along.
Unfortunately, the kindly Bess is herself swindled by an accomplice of Banister, Clyde Mead. He convinces her to send money to a poor and starving young boy on a reservation and then starts to send her fake letters with pictures of the young boy. Wait. Is Sally Struthers also an accomplice of Rawley Banister? Is that reference just a tad outdated? Either way, George basically makes Bess feel like Queen Doofus of Idiotville for sending the money.
After the swindle, and numerous sticky situations at the Banister house, Nancy brings in more reinforcements in the shape of Ned, Burt and Dave. The rest of the mystery sees some spectacular kickings of our gang's ass, but not even by the villain himself. No, he's set up his Smart House (so ahead of its time...) to release evil robots, poison, maim and potentially burn alive any intruders. I've got to be honest here: after a while, I start to really respect Rawley Banister. Most Nancy Drew villains are lurking in the shadows, sending threatening notes or locking her in closets to "teach her a lesson" when all it ever does is strengthen her resolve. This guy just lets his house do it. Brilliant.
In the end, it turns out Rawley Banister died in a water cruiser explosion (Wow, another jet ski explosion? Doesn't it seem like people in this universe should avoid them if they're so prone to fiery deaths for the passenger?) and Clyde Mead tries to take over villain duties. Unfortunately for Clyde, he didn't build an awesome house that will kill for him. Sorry, Clyde. Game over.
This one is one of the best, although has the least fodder for reviewing silliness. It’s close to perfect, although I have to take away a mag for the overt white tourism/white saviorism in how they treat the Native children storyline. While it isn’t as overtly problematic as others, it’s an issue that needs to be pointed out.
4/5 Mags
Head Injuries: While Nancy doesn’t black out, she falls through enough floors and is smothered by enough robots to make me convinced there is at least one head injury here. So 1 (23 total)
Jet-ski Explosions: 1 (it’s been a while — 3 total?)
Monday, March 2, 2015
Book #47: The Mysterious Mannequin
Twice the crime in half the time...
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/9/70 3:00 p.m. The alleged mannequin rapist, Farouk Tahmasp, once wanted for smuggling, is still at large and has contacted girl detective Nancy Drew to return his inanimate model. Residents have gone on the record to report the man "kissing" and "fondling" the mannequin. One local restaurant owner claims that Farouk was "in love" and could not stand to be parted from the intoxicatingly beautiful dummy. Some claim Farouk is a pervert, while others claim that the mannequin may be sexually promiscuous as they saw her "wink" at them. No leads on the missing mannequin have been reported thus far.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 11:52 a.m. An attempted burglary was once again reported at the residence of Carson and Nancy Drew, frequent victims of general nafariousness. Girl detective, Nancy Drew, reported that a man with a beard and a mustache "of Turkish descent" was responsible for the near-crime. The man attempted to steal a Turkish prayer rug, sent from agalmatophiliac Farouk Tahmasp, but failed when the Drew's family dog, Togo, intervened. The man escaped and no arrests have been made.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:05 p.m. UPDATE--Sources confirm that the man wanted for attempted burglary on the Drew house procured a skeleton key from local locksmith R.S. Smith. The man's ads, which boast being able to "open any unusual lock" have now come under scrutiny for, as local girl George Fayne put it, "advertising...to super-duper burglars." The store is under investigation but no arrests have been made.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:48 p.m. Patrons of nearby dining establishment The Water Wheel Restaurant reported that a local boy nearly drowned today during the lunch rush. Allegedly, the child was playing near the banks and fell in, swept towards the restaurant's titular water wheel. Fortunately, local hero and habitual drowning-child-saver, Nancy Drew came to the rescue. No long-term injuries were sustained.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/12/70 10:15 a.m. UPDATE--Local head of the police department, Chief McGuinness reported that RHPD concluded their investigation on the Drew burglary, claiming that the swarthy robber had "probably left town." River Heights residents reported seeing the chief later at the donut shop adding liquid from a small flask to his coffee and muttering about Nancy Drew making him look bad. County internal affairs is rumored to be stepping in while the chief takes a brief paid vacation.
ADVERTISEMENT: Come one, come all and buy your life insurance policy from Ned Nickerson! Living in River Heights is dangerous--violent crime holds at 48% higher than Chicago and property crime at a whopping 89%! Your chances of being injured or even killed by one of the many criminals and sailors that reside here are simply too high to take a chance. Contact Ned Nickerson at 1-800-LV-NANCY and get your quote today!
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/13/70 12:55 p.m. A disturbance was reported at a Greek restaurant one town over. Bystanders report a man became enraged after hearing amateur dick Nancy Drew asking "too many questions" of the restaurant's proprietor. No injuries were reported or arrests made, but a basket of pita bread and large bowl of hummus and Raita was dropped as a result, costing the owner nearly ten dollars in rug cleaning fees.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/15/70 8:52 a.m. Yet another disturbance was reported at the Drew residence when a large and vicious dog attacked the teen investigator in her foyer. Live-in housekeeper, Hannah Greun, turned a hose on the dog. No serious injuries were reported, but the dog is rumored to belong to who we can now identify as the swarthy Turkish burglar, Aslanapa (a.k.a. "Nappy"). Nancy Drew has gone on record to report that she will be pursuing the "ludicrously-named criminal" to Turkey, where she will continue her search for alleged dummy defiler, Farouk Tahmasp.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/22/70 7:16 a.m. The River Heights Bugle just got word that girl detective Nancy Drew, having returned from one of her many lavish trips, has caught the burglar Nappy and found Farouk Tahmasp. Tahmasp has been cleared of all charges of sexual deviance and smuggling, as it turns out the "mannequin" was actually a woman posing in a store window--a woman who was, as this reporter just discovered--NOT on any paralyzing drugs or roofies. All criminal parties have been arrested by washed up police Chief McGuinness, and locals report a wedding is in the works between Farouk and the girl who played his mannequin. A strange news month indeed.
ADVERTISEMENT: Get your grub on at the famous Wagon Wheel Restaurant! The food is top notch and reports of drowning have been greatly exaggerated. River Heights teen Bess Marvin says: "The complimentary biscuits were so good, I just couldn't stop eating them! Well, until my cousin called me fat and I had to bring them into the bathroom to hide my shame. But the food was great!" One only mildly chubby teenage girl CAN'T be wrong--visit us today!!!
***************************************************************************
I could go on, but I won't. This blotter sums up the story pretty well, save for the ongoing clues found in Farouk's prayer rug. I chose to write this in blotter form because 1) it begged for it and 2) while the story was fine and moved along well, it was ultimately forgettable and a bit of a snore.
3/5 mags
Head Injuries: 1 (22 total)
Friday, February 6, 2015
Book #46: The Invisible Intruder
GHOST HUNTERS: RIVER HEIGHTS
We pan in on young Nancy Drew, our skeptic for this ghostly tale. Titian haired and primly dressed, Miss Drew doesn't believe that hauntings can be real. Much like famed skeptic Dana Scully, Nancy believes there is an earthly explanation for everything. Months (or, more accurately, decades) of solving mysteries has taught her that ghosts are usually 1) Dudes in white sheets, 2) Anything made phosphorous or 3) Projected images.
But, this time, Nancy Drew is going to find out the hard way that ghosts are real. Oh, yeah. They are VERY real...
Here are our players:
Nancy Drew: The aforementioned overly logical girl detective.
George Fayne: Doesn't think ghosts are real, but if she's wrong is totally ready to "kick some ghost ass, Judo-style." Also says "hypers!" a lot for some reason and refuses to allow her only slightly chubby cousin to eat delicious cheese corn.
Bess Marvin: The slightly chubby cousin in question. Despite being party to Nancy's constant mythbusting of local haunts, thinks ghosts are WAY real and WAY scary. She's terrified. And also really wants some bread. And also fuck George.
Ned Nickerson: Long suffering dreamboat. Constantly takes backseat to Nancy's mysteries and so becomes a part of them to spend more time with her. Recently abducted in perhaps the most racist Nancy Drew story to date.
Burt Eddleton: "Favorite date" of George even though she never seems particularly interested in him other than as a doubles partner in sports. Hilarious, but likely harbors unrequited feelings for George who is either totally asexual or in love with Nancy. I could buy either, but she just does NOT seem hetero to me.
Dave Evans: The tall, rangy regular date of Bess's. Unlike Burt, Bess seems to take him seriously as a suitor. Loves Bess for who she is but can't resist teasing her--not about her weight, though because he's not an idiot.
Helen Archer (nee Corning): Used to solve mysteries with Nancy but either the publisher decided she was boring (she kind of was) or she got married and ditched Nancy which unfortunately happens a lot in female friendships. Due to early book discrepancies, we are to understand that she either married later than originally thought or had a hot, steamy affair with the "deeply tanned" Buck Rodman.
Jim Archer: Helen's husband--a jaunty sort of fellow up for anything.
Rita Rodriguez: The requisite believer of the group. Believes she can send out vibes and find people by scrying and shit. Only Bess seems to believe her, because Bess will probably believe anyone.
Rod Rodriguez: Skeptic but also a total dick. Has, for some reason, agreed to come on the Ghosthunters expedition despite the fact that he doesn't believe any of it. Apologizes for and belittles his wife for her beliefs. Headed for divorce court any day now.
Bab and Don Hackett: Two other people in the group who I don't even remember as being part of the story. I probably got tired figuring out dialogue and started ascribing most of it to the group above. But, they won't be mentioned again.
PROMO
[creepy, child's music box music plays over our title]
Helen: Welcome, ghosthunters! Are you ready...to be scared?!
[begin night-vision lighting only]
Bess: [shrieks] I don't know if I can do this.
Ned: Holy sh&^%, what the &$#@ is that?
Rita: I can feel the spirits...
Nancy: [ominously] This is different, guys. This might be the real thing.
Bess: [screams again]
GHOSTHUNTERS!!!
Okay, guys, this book was awesome. It literally has everything. A strong, fast-paced plot, a clear and non-ludicrous motive for the villains, and utilization of all the great characters. Even though I found her a bit dull in the earlier books, I liked that Helen Corning Archer came back instead of simply making up a bunch of new friends.
The story starts without delay--Nancy and her friends have been invited by Helen to a ghost-hunting road trip. Having heard about several local hauntings, they want to check it out for themselves, either seeing a ghost or debunking the story. First up is a ghostly canoe that rows itself at a local camp. Though the ghost hunters see the inexplicable canoe with their own eyes, Nancy remains--as ever--sure that there is an explanation. Of course, she's completely right. DAMN YOU, NANCY!!!!!!!
The gang finds that the canoe is mechanized to row itself, with some staging to give it the illusion of being ghostly. Nancy also discovers that the owner of the lakeside camp/resort has been losing business because of the ghostly canoe and a shady-looking couple named the Prizers have been trying to force him to sell at a low price. After Nancy and the group solve the mystery of the canoe, the owner finally has the courage to say no, and that is the end of the case of the canoe and the nefarious low-balling...OR IS IT?
The group is on their way to their next destination, another haunted guesthouse, when they stop in to see a fortune teller and medium Madame Tarantella. She immediately tells Nancy the story of her life (she sometimes foregoes living her life for these mysteries and it may affect her social life one day) and Nancy is rightly suspicious. Because how on earth (in Nancy's world when fortune tellers are fake) would this woman know so much about her? Madame Tarantella tries to prove her skills by doing a reading for Bess. She clearly takes one look at her girly-girl outfit and timid attitude and surmises that she's waiting around for a husband to take care of her. However, when the medium tells Bess she will be married soon, Bess has a totally understandable freakout that she and Dave will get married before he graduates college and they can take care of themselves. Poor Bess is teased for days in front of Dave, who is utterly clueless.
Madame Tarantella, who seems to trust Nancy, asks her to look after a bunch of papers for her and promptly disappears, leading us to wonder if the fortune teller is a villain...or a victim. Soon thereafter, Ned is abducted (likely by the Prizers' gang) but soon finds a way to escape. Poor Ned just keeps getting abducted.
At the next haunted location, The Red Barn Guesthouse, the gang finds that the owner, Mrs. Hodge, has also been strong-armed by a couple into considering selling her guest house at a low price. The constant appearance of a ghostly horse and rider has scared all of her guests away and she doesn't know what to do. At this point, Nancy is pretty sure that the Prizers are responsible for all of these local hauntings in an effort to get cheap land, so she works diligently to debunk the myth. Unfortunately, the Prizers are starting to get mega-pissed that every owner they've talked to is now stubbornly refusing to sell because of Nancy and her ghosthunting pals. Getting desperate, they ransack Mrs. Hodge's private room and steal the deed to the house.
C'mon, guys. That's not how you steal a house. Unless you also plan to skin Mrs. Hodge and adopt her identity it's not going to happen.
At the gang's next stop, they meet Mr. Warfield. An old friend of Carson Drew, Mr. Warfield owns an inn that has recently been dogged with rumors and sightings of a ghostly soldier. Unsurprisingly, it sounds like the Prizers have also made a paltry offer on the place. Are we sure these guys are the Prizers and not, like, the Hiltons? This sounds like the kind of dirty deed a hotel conglomerate would do dirt cheap--that's all I'm saying.
The mystery concludes with excitement, when Nancy, Ned, Jim and Helen are trapped in a local museum of skulls by one of the members of the gang. Using misdirection, the small group is able to trick the villain (Jeffers, a local servant who got mixed up with the Prizers' scheme) and trap him in the very cage they had been locked in. Soon enough, the gang reunites and the police are able to arrest the Prizers and their confederates, including the total liar, Madame Tarantella.
Madame Tarantella admits that, although she hates Nancy for ruining their scheme, she admires her for her abilities. She asks her to continue to look over her paperwork while she is imprisoned so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Nancy is like "HELLS NO!" and they all head home. Real estate values are back where they should be and there is nary a ghost in sight because...
...say it with me: IT IS NEVER ACTUALLY A HAUNTING.
I loved this one. 5/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
We pan in on young Nancy Drew, our skeptic for this ghostly tale. Titian haired and primly dressed, Miss Drew doesn't believe that hauntings can be real. Much like famed skeptic Dana Scully, Nancy believes there is an earthly explanation for everything. Months (or, more accurately, decades) of solving mysteries has taught her that ghosts are usually 1) Dudes in white sheets, 2) Anything made phosphorous or 3) Projected images.
But, this time, Nancy Drew is going to find out the hard way that ghosts are real. Oh, yeah. They are VERY real...
Here are our players:
Nancy Drew: The aforementioned overly logical girl detective.
George Fayne: Doesn't think ghosts are real, but if she's wrong is totally ready to "kick some ghost ass, Judo-style." Also says "hypers!" a lot for some reason and refuses to allow her only slightly chubby cousin to eat delicious cheese corn.
Bess Marvin: The slightly chubby cousin in question. Despite being party to Nancy's constant mythbusting of local haunts, thinks ghosts are WAY real and WAY scary. She's terrified. And also really wants some bread. And also fuck George.
Ned Nickerson: Long suffering dreamboat. Constantly takes backseat to Nancy's mysteries and so becomes a part of them to spend more time with her. Recently abducted in perhaps the most racist Nancy Drew story to date.
Burt Eddleton: "Favorite date" of George even though she never seems particularly interested in him other than as a doubles partner in sports. Hilarious, but likely harbors unrequited feelings for George who is either totally asexual or in love with Nancy. I could buy either, but she just does NOT seem hetero to me.
Dave Evans: The tall, rangy regular date of Bess's. Unlike Burt, Bess seems to take him seriously as a suitor. Loves Bess for who she is but can't resist teasing her--not about her weight, though because he's not an idiot.
Helen Archer (nee Corning): Used to solve mysteries with Nancy but either the publisher decided she was boring (she kind of was) or she got married and ditched Nancy which unfortunately happens a lot in female friendships. Due to early book discrepancies, we are to understand that she either married later than originally thought or had a hot, steamy affair with the "deeply tanned" Buck Rodman.
Jim Archer: Helen's husband--a jaunty sort of fellow up for anything.
Rita Rodriguez: The requisite believer of the group. Believes she can send out vibes and find people by scrying and shit. Only Bess seems to believe her, because Bess will probably believe anyone.
Rod Rodriguez: Skeptic but also a total dick. Has, for some reason, agreed to come on the Ghosthunters expedition despite the fact that he doesn't believe any of it. Apologizes for and belittles his wife for her beliefs. Headed for divorce court any day now.
Bab and Don Hackett: Two other people in the group who I don't even remember as being part of the story. I probably got tired figuring out dialogue and started ascribing most of it to the group above. But, they won't be mentioned again.
PROMO
[creepy, child's music box music plays over our title]
Helen: Welcome, ghosthunters! Are you ready...to be scared?!
[begin night-vision lighting only]
Bess: [shrieks] I don't know if I can do this.
Ned: Holy sh&^%, what the &$#@ is that?
Rita: I can feel the spirits...
Nancy: [ominously] This is different, guys. This might be the real thing.
Bess: [screams again]
GHOSTHUNTERS!!!
Okay, guys, this book was awesome. It literally has everything. A strong, fast-paced plot, a clear and non-ludicrous motive for the villains, and utilization of all the great characters. Even though I found her a bit dull in the earlier books, I liked that Helen Corning Archer came back instead of simply making up a bunch of new friends.
The story starts without delay--Nancy and her friends have been invited by Helen to a ghost-hunting road trip. Having heard about several local hauntings, they want to check it out for themselves, either seeing a ghost or debunking the story. First up is a ghostly canoe that rows itself at a local camp. Though the ghost hunters see the inexplicable canoe with their own eyes, Nancy remains--as ever--sure that there is an explanation. Of course, she's completely right. DAMN YOU, NANCY!!!!!!!
The gang finds that the canoe is mechanized to row itself, with some staging to give it the illusion of being ghostly. Nancy also discovers that the owner of the lakeside camp/resort has been losing business because of the ghostly canoe and a shady-looking couple named the Prizers have been trying to force him to sell at a low price. After Nancy and the group solve the mystery of the canoe, the owner finally has the courage to say no, and that is the end of the case of the canoe and the nefarious low-balling...OR IS IT?
The group is on their way to their next destination, another haunted guesthouse, when they stop in to see a fortune teller and medium Madame Tarantella. She immediately tells Nancy the story of her life (she sometimes foregoes living her life for these mysteries and it may affect her social life one day) and Nancy is rightly suspicious. Because how on earth (in Nancy's world when fortune tellers are fake) would this woman know so much about her? Madame Tarantella tries to prove her skills by doing a reading for Bess. She clearly takes one look at her girly-girl outfit and timid attitude and surmises that she's waiting around for a husband to take care of her. However, when the medium tells Bess she will be married soon, Bess has a totally understandable freakout that she and Dave will get married before he graduates college and they can take care of themselves. Poor Bess is teased for days in front of Dave, who is utterly clueless.
Madame Tarantella, who seems to trust Nancy, asks her to look after a bunch of papers for her and promptly disappears, leading us to wonder if the fortune teller is a villain...or a victim. Soon thereafter, Ned is abducted (likely by the Prizers' gang) but soon finds a way to escape. Poor Ned just keeps getting abducted.
At the next haunted location, The Red Barn Guesthouse, the gang finds that the owner, Mrs. Hodge, has also been strong-armed by a couple into considering selling her guest house at a low price. The constant appearance of a ghostly horse and rider has scared all of her guests away and she doesn't know what to do. At this point, Nancy is pretty sure that the Prizers are responsible for all of these local hauntings in an effort to get cheap land, so she works diligently to debunk the myth. Unfortunately, the Prizers are starting to get mega-pissed that every owner they've talked to is now stubbornly refusing to sell because of Nancy and her ghosthunting pals. Getting desperate, they ransack Mrs. Hodge's private room and steal the deed to the house.
C'mon, guys. That's not how you steal a house. Unless you also plan to skin Mrs. Hodge and adopt her identity it's not going to happen.
At the gang's next stop, they meet Mr. Warfield. An old friend of Carson Drew, Mr. Warfield owns an inn that has recently been dogged with rumors and sightings of a ghostly soldier. Unsurprisingly, it sounds like the Prizers have also made a paltry offer on the place. Are we sure these guys are the Prizers and not, like, the Hiltons? This sounds like the kind of dirty deed a hotel conglomerate would do dirt cheap--that's all I'm saying.
The mystery concludes with excitement, when Nancy, Ned, Jim and Helen are trapped in a local museum of skulls by one of the members of the gang. Using misdirection, the small group is able to trick the villain (Jeffers, a local servant who got mixed up with the Prizers' scheme) and trap him in the very cage they had been locked in. Soon enough, the gang reunites and the police are able to arrest the Prizers and their confederates, including the total liar, Madame Tarantella.
Madame Tarantella admits that, although she hates Nancy for ruining their scheme, she admires her for her abilities. She asks her to continue to look over her paperwork while she is imprisoned so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Nancy is like "HELLS NO!" and they all head home. Real estate values are back where they should be and there is nary a ghost in sight because...
...say it with me: IT IS NEVER ACTUALLY A HAUNTING.
I loved this one. 5/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
Friday, January 23, 2015
Book #45: The Spider Sapphire Mystery
TW/CW: This one has a SHITLOAD of racial slurs. Really bad. I can't believe this is the "new, gentler" version. But I guess it is the 1960's.
It's time, guys. Time for the most ludicrous villain name in Nancy Drew history. More head-scratching than Mortimer Bartesque, El Gato or even Snorky...it's time for ...SWAHILI JOE! Notice I say most ludicrous though, not best. Why? Because somehow even this name manages racism, like so many things about this book.
Yes, our story starts out with Nancy and her friends (including a group from Emerson with Ned, Burt, and Dave) heading out for a safari in Africa. Before she goes, however, she learns of a mysterious stolen spider sapphire and Ned is kidnapped!
Oh no! Not NED!
In much faster course than I remember, however, Ned is found after Bess decodes a cryptic call and figures out he's being held in a pear orchard. He reveals that his captor is none other than...SWAHILI JOE!
Is there anything more problematic than naming someone, even a villain, after the language they speak as if it's a neon sign over their head that says: "Hey! I'm different from this white teen detective and her crew of white friends!" I feel like I'll be able to tell you after this review.
Anyhoo, Swahili Joe is clearly the villain of the book due to his redonkulous name. Working with him are two "Indian Blacks" named Jahan and Dhan. Really? Indian Blacks? Well, if you think that's bad, it gets worse. The book goes on to whitesplain the difference between different kinds of Black people in a way that has me ducking out the bathroom to barf. Was it the shellfish, or the unendurable racism in this book? Well, I didn't eat shellfish, so...
Yeah. O. M. G.
The usually cringe-worthy racial terms in Nancy Drew books really threw me through a loop in this one. It was all I could do to get through the first 75 or so pages, when the terminology was the worst. Dude, Stratemeyer syndicate. These are NOT the preferred nomenclatures. They're all from Africa. Just call them African (or Kenyan, or Ethiopian, whatever their country of origin is if known). Not too hard. I feel the need to reiterate, I am AWARE this is a sign of the times. I don't think we should hide that, or whitewash our own racism. But, that being said, it needs to be pointed out. Because if I'm going to be recommending these books to kids, that IS relevant.
Anyhoo, after drowning in a sea of racisms, I'm back on track. Before Nancy and the gang head out on safari, two very important things happen. First, they are able to see an African (I don't know which country she's from because apparently the Syndicate doesn't care) opera singer perform locally before they leave. The woman, Lilia, explains that she is using all of her tour money to find her lost brother, who was rumored to be mauled while on a job in Mombasa but she believes to be alive.
Another mystery...do you think they'll tie together?
The second piece is that they are introduced to their safari group, including several Emerson students and one Gwen Taylor, a histrionic girl who wears a blonde wig over her brown hair. Why she would wear a wig and not just dye her hair I don't know. She quickly shows herself to be the resident pain-in-the-ass of the book by shrieking that her father will sue the safari company and insisting that the guides retrieve the fancy camera she dropped into a bed of wild animals. Yikes. Even Gwen's boyfriend seems sick of her shenanigans. Of course, while the rest of the group has totally written her off as a spoiled brat, Bess sees a mystery only she can solve. The mystery of a girl who is so insecure thinking that she needs to be blonde that she turns into a total asshole. When a baboon grabs Gwen's wig right off of her head (yes, you read correctly, THAT HAPPENED) and waves it about in a comical gesture, finally tossing it in the mud, Bess sees her chance. She gives Gwen a total makeover, showing her how pretty her dark hair can be and, quite suddenly, Gwen is a totally different person. While I find the idea that a makeover can totally change your persona utter bullshit, my being raised amongst 1990's makeover montages makes me let it go.
Suddenly, Gwen is the best of friends with all the girls. At their safari resort (really? there were resorts in Africa and a small liberal-arts university group can pay for that?) the girls all put on a water ballet while the boys clap. And, when Nancy. Bess and George's clothes are burned by the villains (as if that would stop them), Gwen happily loans them her clothes. Of course, they have to get loaner shoes from all the girls as there are "no sensible heels for sale in Africa." And now I'm side-eyeing the book.
A good chunk of the book covers the group's experience in Africa, which is actually quite fun. There's only little snippets of the mystery but....oh, wait. I forgot the best part. When the girls are looking at a group of wild animals over the balcony, George is kidnapped by a baboon as his primate bride! She is carried off quite a ways before she notices that it is a man wearing a baboon suit. She wrenches the head of the costume and he drops her. But not before she sees that the man is...SWAHILI JOE!
And then Kate's horrified expression froze on her face forever.
The mystery gets more convoluted as they find out that Lilia's long-lost brother, Taizam, did survive the lion attack but is missing...and he might be in league with Swahili Joe! When the girls track down Mr. Tangor, the man from whom the spider sapphire was stolen, he tells them that the missing guide was involved in the crime. Not wanting to believe it, the girls suspect Mr. Tangor for a time, but eventually clear him of any skulduggery.
Once the group arrives in a town, they take in the African culture. Nancy even has a local man make a "death mask," which is a mask of one's face so that their loved ones will have something to comfort them in case of an early demise. A little dark, but the mortality rate is likely higher in this small village so it makes a certain amount of sense. He gives Nancy the mask for free, revealing that there is a secret compartment in the eye sockets where one can hide jewels or valuables to prevent their theft during a home robbery. I normally wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph of the review to this, but you'll see why I did in a bit.
The girls finally find Taizam, who has been suffering from amnesia since his experience. In an absurd turn, Nancy is able to snap him out of his amnesia forever by simply singing the Swahili lullabye (oh that's right, Nancy can sing beautifully in Swahili now BTW) that his sister used to sing him. This is the craziest amnesia turnaround since The Ringmaster's Secret. Either way, the girls get the best clue yet from Taizam once he remembers his recent past. He was almost mauled after he caught the gang stealing the spider sapphire. Nancy and the gang realize that Jahan and Dhan must have started the rumor that Taizam was responsible to keep their own dirty affairs under wraps. Taizam remembers them mentioning an old dungeon and Vasco de Gama, so our detectives set off to find it. Once they find the dungeon, Nancy locates the spider sapphire, cleverly tucking it into the eye socket compartment of her death mask for safe keeping (see! I told you the death mask was important. So, when the evil Jahad and Dhan show up, brandishing whips, she is ready.
Not to be taken down easily, Nancy completely throws the men off their game by explaining their crime to them (Poirot-style). Somehow, in the course of the last day, she has put together the whole thing. The two men are not working for Swahili Joe, but a man named Rhim Rhao, who had been pretending to be a trusted contact of Mr. Tangor. Swahili Joe was just a pawn in all of this.
Fortunately, they are able to take the men down and track down Rhim Rhao who was very surprised to be arrested for his clever cover-up. The mystery is solved, but Nancy is already jonesing for a new one. She'll have to wait until The Invisible Intruder.
This book was great in parts, but the "holy shit!" racism in this really pulled me out of the story, and thus gets a full 2-3 mags taken off. Although this could have been 4, this one gets 2 out of 5 mags.
2/5
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
Racisms: Too many to count
Most problematic villain name: Swahili Joe
It's time, guys. Time for the most ludicrous villain name in Nancy Drew history. More head-scratching than Mortimer Bartesque, El Gato or even Snorky...it's time for ...SWAHILI JOE! Notice I say most ludicrous though, not best. Why? Because somehow even this name manages racism, like so many things about this book.
Yes, our story starts out with Nancy and her friends (including a group from Emerson with Ned, Burt, and Dave) heading out for a safari in Africa. Before she goes, however, she learns of a mysterious stolen spider sapphire and Ned is kidnapped!
Oh no! Not NED!
In much faster course than I remember, however, Ned is found after Bess decodes a cryptic call and figures out he's being held in a pear orchard. He reveals that his captor is none other than...SWAHILI JOE!
Is there anything more problematic than naming someone, even a villain, after the language they speak as if it's a neon sign over their head that says: "Hey! I'm different from this white teen detective and her crew of white friends!" I feel like I'll be able to tell you after this review.
Anyhoo, Swahili Joe is clearly the villain of the book due to his redonkulous name. Working with him are two "Indian Blacks" named Jahan and Dhan. Really? Indian Blacks? Well, if you think that's bad, it gets worse. The book goes on to whitesplain the difference between different kinds of Black people in a way that has me ducking out the bathroom to barf. Was it the shellfish, or the unendurable racism in this book? Well, I didn't eat shellfish, so...
Yeah. O. M. G.
The usually cringe-worthy racial terms in Nancy Drew books really threw me through a loop in this one. It was all I could do to get through the first 75 or so pages, when the terminology was the worst. Dude, Stratemeyer syndicate. These are NOT the preferred nomenclatures. They're all from Africa. Just call them African (or Kenyan, or Ethiopian, whatever their country of origin is if known). Not too hard. I feel the need to reiterate, I am AWARE this is a sign of the times. I don't think we should hide that, or whitewash our own racism. But, that being said, it needs to be pointed out. Because if I'm going to be recommending these books to kids, that IS relevant.
Anyhoo, after drowning in a sea of racisms, I'm back on track. Before Nancy and the gang head out on safari, two very important things happen. First, they are able to see an African (I don't know which country she's from because apparently the Syndicate doesn't care) opera singer perform locally before they leave. The woman, Lilia, explains that she is using all of her tour money to find her lost brother, who was rumored to be mauled while on a job in Mombasa but she believes to be alive.
Another mystery...do you think they'll tie together?
The second piece is that they are introduced to their safari group, including several Emerson students and one Gwen Taylor, a histrionic girl who wears a blonde wig over her brown hair. Why she would wear a wig and not just dye her hair I don't know. She quickly shows herself to be the resident pain-in-the-ass of the book by shrieking that her father will sue the safari company and insisting that the guides retrieve the fancy camera she dropped into a bed of wild animals. Yikes. Even Gwen's boyfriend seems sick of her shenanigans. Of course, while the rest of the group has totally written her off as a spoiled brat, Bess sees a mystery only she can solve. The mystery of a girl who is so insecure thinking that she needs to be blonde that she turns into a total asshole. When a baboon grabs Gwen's wig right off of her head (yes, you read correctly, THAT HAPPENED) and waves it about in a comical gesture, finally tossing it in the mud, Bess sees her chance. She gives Gwen a total makeover, showing her how pretty her dark hair can be and, quite suddenly, Gwen is a totally different person. While I find the idea that a makeover can totally change your persona utter bullshit, my being raised amongst 1990's makeover montages makes me let it go.
Suddenly, Gwen is the best of friends with all the girls. At their safari resort (really? there were resorts in Africa and a small liberal-arts university group can pay for that?) the girls all put on a water ballet while the boys clap. And, when Nancy. Bess and George's clothes are burned by the villains (as if that would stop them), Gwen happily loans them her clothes. Of course, they have to get loaner shoes from all the girls as there are "no sensible heels for sale in Africa." And now I'm side-eyeing the book.
A good chunk of the book covers the group's experience in Africa, which is actually quite fun. There's only little snippets of the mystery but....oh, wait. I forgot the best part. When the girls are looking at a group of wild animals over the balcony, George is kidnapped by a baboon as his primate bride! She is carried off quite a ways before she notices that it is a man wearing a baboon suit. She wrenches the head of the costume and he drops her. But not before she sees that the man is...SWAHILI JOE!
And then Kate's horrified expression froze on her face forever.
The mystery gets more convoluted as they find out that Lilia's long-lost brother, Taizam, did survive the lion attack but is missing...and he might be in league with Swahili Joe! When the girls track down Mr. Tangor, the man from whom the spider sapphire was stolen, he tells them that the missing guide was involved in the crime. Not wanting to believe it, the girls suspect Mr. Tangor for a time, but eventually clear him of any skulduggery.
Once the group arrives in a town, they take in the African culture. Nancy even has a local man make a "death mask," which is a mask of one's face so that their loved ones will have something to comfort them in case of an early demise. A little dark, but the mortality rate is likely higher in this small village so it makes a certain amount of sense. He gives Nancy the mask for free, revealing that there is a secret compartment in the eye sockets where one can hide jewels or valuables to prevent their theft during a home robbery. I normally wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph of the review to this, but you'll see why I did in a bit.
The girls finally find Taizam, who has been suffering from amnesia since his experience. In an absurd turn, Nancy is able to snap him out of his amnesia forever by simply singing the Swahili lullabye (oh that's right, Nancy can sing beautifully in Swahili now BTW) that his sister used to sing him. This is the craziest amnesia turnaround since The Ringmaster's Secret. Either way, the girls get the best clue yet from Taizam once he remembers his recent past. He was almost mauled after he caught the gang stealing the spider sapphire. Nancy and the gang realize that Jahan and Dhan must have started the rumor that Taizam was responsible to keep their own dirty affairs under wraps. Taizam remembers them mentioning an old dungeon and Vasco de Gama, so our detectives set off to find it. Once they find the dungeon, Nancy locates the spider sapphire, cleverly tucking it into the eye socket compartment of her death mask for safe keeping (see! I told you the death mask was important. So, when the evil Jahad and Dhan show up, brandishing whips, she is ready.
Not to be taken down easily, Nancy completely throws the men off their game by explaining their crime to them (Poirot-style). Somehow, in the course of the last day, she has put together the whole thing. The two men are not working for Swahili Joe, but a man named Rhim Rhao, who had been pretending to be a trusted contact of Mr. Tangor. Swahili Joe was just a pawn in all of this.
Fortunately, they are able to take the men down and track down Rhim Rhao who was very surprised to be arrested for his clever cover-up. The mystery is solved, but Nancy is already jonesing for a new one. She'll have to wait until The Invisible Intruder.
This book was great in parts, but the "holy shit!" racism in this really pulled me out of the story, and thus gets a full 2-3 mags taken off. Although this could have been 4, this one gets 2 out of 5 mags.
2/5
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
Racisms: Too many to count
Most problematic villain name: Swahili Joe
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Book #44: The Clue in the Crossword Cipher
This book's got a little bit of everything: travel, intrigue, natural disasters, interestingly-named villains (El Gato), disguises and phat George Fayne judo moves. Unfortunately, there's one other not-so-great thing this novel has in spades: the constant fat shaming of Bess Marvin. Thus, part of my review will be in the form of a Lifetime or Hallmark movie, entitled:
A small town girl, Bess Marvin never imagined she'd end up as the unwitting third member of a detective team. All her life, she'd been scared--scared of smugglers trying to kill her, of out-of-place sailors, and most of all--letting people in. You see, Bess faces a tragic hardship.
Her parents, if you can call them that, are basically invisible. Barely around, they only seem to show up when their house is being robbed, their family fortune in question, or as a dim voice at the other end of the phone when Bess is asking to fly off on one of her many trips with girl detective Nancy Drew. At first, Bess was happy with the freedom Mr. and Mrs. Marvin's negligent parenting allowed. But, as the year wore on for some eighty years, their careless attitude gave Bess a complex. Why is it that her parents never seemed to be around? So, Bess did the only thing she could do: eat.
Yes, she ate and ate and ate. Of course, realistically, she only ate a little more than her friends. And all illustrations depict her as vaguely the same size as her cousin, George and friend, Nancy Drew. Why then, is she the constant butt of jokes and subject of ridicule? Why can't her friends just let her eat that second piece of corn with swiss cheese on it? Bess doesn't know. All she knows is that life scares her. And carbs are great.
"I'm just so excited about this trip to South America," Bess Marvin exclaimed, tossing her mane of light blonde hair. "I might just burst." Bess placed her hands on her slightly curvaceous hips.
George Fayne snorted in reply. "My dear, fat cousin," she said. "Maybe hold onto that feeling. Because then maybe you won't eat so much, fatso."
Bess's eyes glimmered with tears, but she said nothing. The girls' trip to Lima was peppered with just such remarks--George grabbing her arm as she went for an extra piece of bread, George laughing at her desire for South American food, and George warning her not to eat that extra corn cobb with cheese on in.
Barely able to take it, our heroine takes to the streets on her own, only to be asked out by some smarmy loser and then chased by a ne'er do well. Winded from the extra cheese corn, Bess falls to her feet in tears. Can she possibly overcome these hardships? Was George right? And will the fat shaming ever end?
Sadly, this book has a tragic end. Despite Bess's bravery in the face of villains, she is left just as she is at the start: a scaredy-cat. The butt of a joke. Too fat...to ride an alpaca.
Head injuries: 1 (21 total)
Explosions: 1 (10 total)
Fat jokes: Oh my, yes...
Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca:
The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin
A small town girl, Bess Marvin never imagined she'd end up as the unwitting third member of a detective team. All her life, she'd been scared--scared of smugglers trying to kill her, of out-of-place sailors, and most of all--letting people in. You see, Bess faces a tragic hardship.
Her parents, if you can call them that, are basically invisible. Barely around, they only seem to show up when their house is being robbed, their family fortune in question, or as a dim voice at the other end of the phone when Bess is asking to fly off on one of her many trips with girl detective Nancy Drew. At first, Bess was happy with the freedom Mr. and Mrs. Marvin's negligent parenting allowed. But, as the year wore on for some eighty years, their careless attitude gave Bess a complex. Why is it that her parents never seemed to be around? So, Bess did the only thing she could do: eat.
Yes, she ate and ate and ate. Of course, realistically, she only ate a little more than her friends. And all illustrations depict her as vaguely the same size as her cousin, George and friend, Nancy Drew. Why then, is she the constant butt of jokes and subject of ridicule? Why can't her friends just let her eat that second piece of corn with swiss cheese on it? Bess doesn't know. All she knows is that life scares her. And carbs are great.
"I'm just so excited about this trip to South America," Bess Marvin exclaimed, tossing her mane of light blonde hair. "I might just burst." Bess placed her hands on her slightly curvaceous hips.
George Fayne snorted in reply. "My dear, fat cousin," she said. "Maybe hold onto that feeling. Because then maybe you won't eat so much, fatso."
Bess's eyes glimmered with tears, but she said nothing. The girls' trip to Lima was peppered with just such remarks--George grabbing her arm as she went for an extra piece of bread, George laughing at her desire for South American food, and George warning her not to eat that extra corn cobb with cheese on in.
Barely able to take it, our heroine takes to the streets on her own, only to be asked out by some smarmy loser and then chased by a ne'er do well. Winded from the extra cheese corn, Bess falls to her feet in tears. Can she possibly overcome these hardships? Was George right? And will the fat shaming ever end?
Sadly, this book has a tragic end. Despite Bess's bravery in the face of villains, she is left just as she is at the start: a scaredy-cat. The butt of a joke. Too fat...to ride an alpaca.
The End
***
***
Alright, so there was actually a mystery in here too. A Pervian American Princess (PAP?), Carla Ponce, asks Nancy to solve an old family mystery. The Ponce family has a very old wooden plaque left by a centuries-old relative. There is a message on the plaque, but in cipher form and has been very difficult to interpret. There are long-standing rumors of a family fortune as well, something that Carla Ponce and her parents scarcely seem to need. But, despite the fact that this mystery has no obvious charity case, Nancy is intrigued. Adding to the risk factor is a letter sent to Carla that says: "Cuidado con el gato," or, for you English-only speakers: Beware of the cat!
Nancy, Bess, George and Carla fly to Lima, Peru, where her parents live. Of course, even before they leave, several attempts at theft are made on the plaque and we know that some gang of villains has figured out that they are on the trail of a treasure. When they arrive in Peru, they meet all sorts of shifty figures, any of whom could be the mysterious El Gato. Because the wood from the plaque comes from the arreyanes forest, Nancy asks to go there.
Because they can just fly to Argentina, no problem. Hah!
Oh, wait. I forgot. Carla's parents are rich, and willing to fly Nancy anywhere. Apparently, it coincides with some kind of golf tournament in a fancy hotel. Seriously, do these people really need a fortune?
Over the curse of the book, Nancy and her friends travel to Argentina and the famed Machu Pichhu with a paid guide. They eventually solve the code on the plaque, which ends up being something like "purple monkey dishwasher" but I don't really remember. Eventually, they realize that El Gato himself is a smuggler that has been posing as the assistant to a woodworking master they had previously asked for help. They had suspected him of being a part of the gang all along but--surprise, surprise--he was the final boss.
Well, "final boss" in the sense that he was the main villain. He actually confessed and went pretty quietly. Once they were rid of El Gato, the Ponce's dug up their ancestor and robbed his shallow grave of its riches. Yaaaaayyyyyy!...?
This book was actually quite good, save for the constant fat shaming of Bess. Seriously, I kind of wanted to punch George in the face throughout the book. At one point, she tries to ride an alpaca (hence my Lifetime title) and is told she must be too heavy because she weighs over a hundred pounds. Is that really fat back in 1967? Or is Bess like 4'8"? Because, estimating Bess's height at a petite 5'2", even if she weighed 120 that would be within a normal weight range.
And I know that George is the main offender here, but I feel like Nancy could step in. Because right now, I feel like I'm solving The Mystery of the Terrible Friends. Let Bess eat her frikkin' cheesy corn. Unless the cover art depicts her as 100 lbs. lighter than she actually is, she's fine.
Nevertheless, as a mystery, this one gets a strong 4/5 mags.
Head injuries: 1 (21 total)
Explosions: 1 (10 total)
Fat jokes: Oh my, yes...
Monday, December 8, 2014
Book #43: The Mystery of the 99 Steps
...or, as it's known by me: The Mystery of the 12-15 Staircases, All of Which Have 99 Steps, also known as The Case of the Frightened Fincancier.
I'm back, everyone! I took a little respite due to holiday business but now I'm back on that addictive Nancy Drew juice, and I hope to crank out a few more reviews before the year is out!
This tale starts, as per usual, back in River Heights, where Nancy is explaining to Bess and George that they must accompany her to France for a case that she calls "The Mystery of the 99 Steps," accompanying Carson Drew on his own legal case. This mystery is so named because a local French ex-pat, Josette Blair has been having numerous recurring dreams about a secret on a 99th step. She shared her dreams with a few, but then received a letter in French that said: Tell no one about the 99 Steps. --Monsieur Neuf
Quickly, Nancy also explains that a pair of French siblings (Monique and Marie Bardot) will be taking their place in a sort of foreign exchange deal, with Nancy and the girls staying with the sisters' parents in France. George jokingly asks if there will be a boy to replace her, and I raise an eyebrow, but choose to let my favorite tomboyish character work out her gender identity in her own time. The Bardot sisters have barely arrived when a strange man strong-arms his way into the Drew home. He shoves a letter into Nancy's hand and leaves. And what does the letter say, you may ask? Well, fortunately, they don't pull a Nancy's Mysterious Letter and make us wait 75 pages. The note says, in clear bold writing: STAY OUT OF FRANCE! --MONSIEUR NEUF
Alright, it's time for me to bring up the name. I did a lot of soul searching about this name. Monsieur Neuf...best villain name so far? It is hilarious, like the name of a nebulously foreign Scooby Doo bad guy. But, as it always has so far....it always comes back to Snorky. Heh. Snorky.
Anyhoo, once again an idiotic villain has chosen to peak Nancy's curiosity by threatening her rather than playing it cool. Good going, Mister Nine. When Carson comes back home to discuss the details of the trip with the girls, they find out that he wants their help on a mystery he likes to call: "The Case of the Frightened Financier."
Okay, wait. Is this the mystery of the 99 steps or the frightened financier? Even before these two cases are inexplicably linked, I'm already confused.
Apparently, some investors have hired Mr. Drew to find out why a French mogul has been selling stocks and securities in his company without any reason or financial advice. Such a dramatic move has already had an effect on the economy, as it is a huge company. Nancy and the girls agree to help him. Before they leave for France, however, Nancy helps the Bardot sisters settle in, even asking them to sing in a local review. Unfortunately, the man who had left the note (is he Monsieur Neuf?) stalks the girls and almost attacks them. The man is caught and I briefly wonder how there is still 150 pages left in this book, until I remember the 99 steps and financier. The man, named Claude Aubert, is clearly connected with the mystery/mysteries but Carson, Nancy, Bess and George have little time to figure this out as they are scheduled to leave.
And off to France we go!
The rest of the book is mainly a series of amusing montages featuring the girls locating several staircases with 99 steps. Some have suspicious markings, some have children in suits of armor, some have giant French women who threaten to bump the girls down each of the near 100 steps like an Oompa Loompa.
Of course, as is usual with Nancy Drew books in foreign locations, there's also a lot of history and education. The case of the frightened financier turns out to have a lot to do with alchemy, as Claude Aubert's twin brother (Louie Aubert) has been posing as a Middle Eastern swami-type man that has convinced the financier, Monsieur Leblanc, that he can turn any substance into gold. While in his Arabian gear, the girls simply refer to Louie Aubert as "The Arab" over and over again until my politically correct ass starts rolling around in its future grave. The girls also realize that Josette Blair's memory of the 99 steps is due to the fact that her governess as a child was involved with, and now married to, the villain Louie Aubert. It was a recovered memory of something that scared her as a toddler.
The frightened financier is obviously very grateful, as is Carson Drew, who offers Nancy half of his legal fee.
Um, what about Bess and George?
Anyhow, all's well that ends well (except for poor Bess and George, who paid for a trip to France and get little acclaim) with another two mysteries solved.
This book is definitely enjoyable in some ways, but there were quite a few issues for me. For one, we never really get to know Ms. Blair, so her mystery always seems quite vague and I never really care about it. The frightened financier seems like an idiot, and part of me feels like he's similar to the characters in The Ghost of Blackwood Hall--too stupid for me to feel bad for. Also, there are so many superfluous French characters that are too minor to care about but take up text nonetheless, and it was very difficult for me to keep track. Also, Louie Aubert has so many aliases by the end of the book that Monsieur Neuf is all but forgotten. Boooooo. This one gets 3/5 mags. Not great, but certainly not bad either.
Head Injuries: 0 (20 total)
Best Villain Name Runner-Up: Monsieur Neuf!
I'm back, everyone! I took a little respite due to holiday business but now I'm back on that addictive Nancy Drew juice, and I hope to crank out a few more reviews before the year is out!
This tale starts, as per usual, back in River Heights, where Nancy is explaining to Bess and George that they must accompany her to France for a case that she calls "The Mystery of the 99 Steps," accompanying Carson Drew on his own legal case. This mystery is so named because a local French ex-pat, Josette Blair has been having numerous recurring dreams about a secret on a 99th step. She shared her dreams with a few, but then received a letter in French that said: Tell no one about the 99 Steps. --Monsieur Neuf
Quickly, Nancy also explains that a pair of French siblings (Monique and Marie Bardot) will be taking their place in a sort of foreign exchange deal, with Nancy and the girls staying with the sisters' parents in France. George jokingly asks if there will be a boy to replace her, and I raise an eyebrow, but choose to let my favorite tomboyish character work out her gender identity in her own time. The Bardot sisters have barely arrived when a strange man strong-arms his way into the Drew home. He shoves a letter into Nancy's hand and leaves. And what does the letter say, you may ask? Well, fortunately, they don't pull a Nancy's Mysterious Letter and make us wait 75 pages. The note says, in clear bold writing: STAY OUT OF FRANCE! --MONSIEUR NEUF
Alright, it's time for me to bring up the name. I did a lot of soul searching about this name. Monsieur Neuf...best villain name so far? It is hilarious, like the name of a nebulously foreign Scooby Doo bad guy. But, as it always has so far....it always comes back to Snorky. Heh. Snorky.
Anyhoo, once again an idiotic villain has chosen to peak Nancy's curiosity by threatening her rather than playing it cool. Good going, Mister Nine. When Carson comes back home to discuss the details of the trip with the girls, they find out that he wants their help on a mystery he likes to call: "The Case of the Frightened Financier."
Okay, wait. Is this the mystery of the 99 steps or the frightened financier? Even before these two cases are inexplicably linked, I'm already confused.
Apparently, some investors have hired Mr. Drew to find out why a French mogul has been selling stocks and securities in his company without any reason or financial advice. Such a dramatic move has already had an effect on the economy, as it is a huge company. Nancy and the girls agree to help him. Before they leave for France, however, Nancy helps the Bardot sisters settle in, even asking them to sing in a local review. Unfortunately, the man who had left the note (is he Monsieur Neuf?) stalks the girls and almost attacks them. The man is caught and I briefly wonder how there is still 150 pages left in this book, until I remember the 99 steps and financier. The man, named Claude Aubert, is clearly connected with the mystery/mysteries but Carson, Nancy, Bess and George have little time to figure this out as they are scheduled to leave.
And off to France we go!
The rest of the book is mainly a series of amusing montages featuring the girls locating several staircases with 99 steps. Some have suspicious markings, some have children in suits of armor, some have giant French women who threaten to bump the girls down each of the near 100 steps like an Oompa Loompa.
Of course, as is usual with Nancy Drew books in foreign locations, there's also a lot of history and education. The case of the frightened financier turns out to have a lot to do with alchemy, as Claude Aubert's twin brother (Louie Aubert) has been posing as a Middle Eastern swami-type man that has convinced the financier, Monsieur Leblanc, that he can turn any substance into gold. While in his Arabian gear, the girls simply refer to Louie Aubert as "The Arab" over and over again until my politically correct ass starts rolling around in its future grave. The girls also realize that Josette Blair's memory of the 99 steps is due to the fact that her governess as a child was involved with, and now married to, the villain Louie Aubert. It was a recovered memory of something that scared her as a toddler.
The frightened financier is obviously very grateful, as is Carson Drew, who offers Nancy half of his legal fee.
Um, what about Bess and George?
Anyhow, all's well that ends well (except for poor Bess and George, who paid for a trip to France and get little acclaim) with another two mysteries solved.
This book is definitely enjoyable in some ways, but there were quite a few issues for me. For one, we never really get to know Ms. Blair, so her mystery always seems quite vague and I never really care about it. The frightened financier seems like an idiot, and part of me feels like he's similar to the characters in The Ghost of Blackwood Hall--too stupid for me to feel bad for. Also, there are so many superfluous French characters that are too minor to care about but take up text nonetheless, and it was very difficult for me to keep track. Also, Louie Aubert has so many aliases by the end of the book that Monsieur Neuf is all but forgotten. Boooooo. This one gets 3/5 mags. Not great, but certainly not bad either.
Head Injuries: 0 (20 total)
Best Villain Name Runner-Up: Monsieur Neuf!
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Book #42: The Phantom of Pine Hill...FEATURING GUEST REVIEWER, MAREN!
First off, literally on the first page, we already have a
Ned Nickerson saves the day moment! The girls have come to visit the three boys
during a week of Emerson fun. Now I hardcore love Ned Nickerson, and I mean
that truly, I may have judged every date I've ever had against him and
unsurprisingly my husband is actually pretty close. What was I saying? Oh yeah
Ned already saves the day, which just shows how much he’s going to be in this
one, which makes for a happy Maren.
Ok seriously enough Ned distractions. The titular phantom
“resides” at John Rorick’s (also known as Uncle John) mansion. Nancy, Bess and
George stay with him following a motel mishap and get to stay there for the
week rent free, so long as they help catch the phantom! Woohoo excitement J
Luckily we do not have to wait long for the phantom to make his first strike!
Within the first ten pages Nancy returns to the house to change her party dress
after a waiter named Fred Jenkins spills punch on hers, and discovers that her
pearl necklace has disappeared!! Later that night Nancy does what she always
does and hears a creaking in the dark house and decides to
investigate...ALONE!! Because she legitimately thinks that’s a better idea. I
mean, I understand not bringing Bess since she sometimes can’t stop talking,
but, hey, why not George!? At least she came to her senses and didn’t go
outside when she saw a fleeting light in the woods. Good move, Nance. Later
that morning after breakfast we get introduced to mystery #2! Uncle John’s
ancestor who came to this country in the 1700 had a young French bride. When
they had a daughter, Abigail, the French family sent a chest of gifts. Which
got lost in a steamship (the Lily Belle) accident. In the river like 50ft from
the house. Are we dealing with sunken treasure!? (ummm the answer is always
yes.)
Hmmm I wonder if the two mysteries might SOMEHOW be
connected. Anyway it can’t be all work and no play. The girls go to the Emerson
crew race, because OF COURSE, Ned is on the crew team. Isn’t he just perfect?
Ned and Nancy have a quick impromptu picnic before the race, and who is lurking
about, but Fred Jenkins. Hmmmm 2 instances of seeing this guy in 3 chapters?
Yeah he’s got more involvement! Crew race happens, Emerson wins (DUH) and it’s
all very exciting. Ned and Nancy decide to take a romantic canoe ride....over to
the site of the Lily Belle sinking. Hmmm Nancy I believe you have ulterior
motives here...not just trying to get alone time with Ned! Although gotta love
how he puts on his professors cap and explains the history of the phrase “two
bits.” But wait, what’s this? A motorboat is trying to run them down!! Accident
#1.
What is Nancy’s solution? To go alone into the woods to
search for the motorboat captains accomplice. Always with going alone into the
woods right Nance? Only creepy thing to happen, however is a piece of paper
that floats down on her from above that is blank except for two perfect
thumbprints. UMMM HOW IS THAT NOT CREEPY AND ALSO JUST PLAIN WEIRD? Ok thank
god for Bess who bluntly just declares how creepy that is later on.
Ok time for the Emerson dance. Nancy get’s all pretty, and
her beauty causes Fred Jenkins (him again?) to drop a vase of flowers he’s
carrying. Like he actually tells her she shouldn’t be so beautiful because he
got distracted by it which caused him to drop the vase. While she waits for
Bess and George, Nancy gives the adorable housekeeper, Mrs. Holeman a lesson on
how to look for clues to how an intruder could get into the padlocked library.
However, after 5 minutes Mrs. Holeman declares that since Nancy has found no
hollow spots in the walls then it must be a spook. Like a ghost. Is it ever
actually a ghost though? I’m thinking no. Nancy does go in to the library and
find that some of the hidden money she had discovered the day before has gone
missing. DUDE THIS LIBRARY IS PADLOCKED! HOW IS HE GETTING IN! Ooooooh maybe it
is a ghost. Ok no just kidding it’s never a ghost.
Mrs Holeman has to go out of town suddenly. Uncle John has
already gone away for a few days. You know what that means. Nancy, Bess and
George in a haunted creepy house all alone. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Which
means Nancy and Ned (oooh la la) are going to do a stakeout in the locked
library all night to see if the phantom shows his or herself. Well sadly, the
only shenanigans that occur overnight are actually a prank played by Bess and
George. Also there’s a later moment where George teases Bess about her weight.
Something no Nancy Drew would be complete without. Poor Bess L
And there’s a moment with the Chief of police who decides Nancy isn’t a flighty
bimbo; he actually admits that he thought she had mislaid her pearl necklace
and just got excited over nothing. What a jerk. Also Fred Jenkins is being nosy
again. But that’s no surprise. Ok random interlude stuff over and Bess finds a
clue! Go Bess!
Wow I really need to be less wordy in my reviews. I’m not
even halfway through the book yet. Ok I may need to edit for the rest.
Maybe.
What?--I love Nancy Drew!
Don’t judge me!! You don’t know Maren.
Wow ok panic moment over. Back to the big Emerson pageant. Ned, dressed as an American Indian, swoops up Nancy and "kidnaps" her and take her to “treasure spot.” Burt is dressed as a fully bearded captain and Dave plays what appears to be Noah on his ark and it goes on and on because racism. This ends up
being the spot where the main Pine of Pine Hill is said to be the site of a
buried treasure! Sadly, not the Lilly Belle treasure.
The crew all goes back to Uncle John’s only to discover that
the locked library in the locked house has been torn to shreds!!
Cue Twilight zone music. (now tell me you didn’t just hum that in your head!)
Ok off to the dance (another one!? Geez where do the girls get all their
frocks....pretty sure Target and TJ Maxx didn’t exist yet) And at the dance a
big announcement is made! Ned has been made fraternity president! Seriously is
there anything wrong with him? Long nose hair? An awkward mole? SOMETHING?
The happiness form the night is semi dampened when the girls
return to Uncle John’s to find a threatening note from the phantom. It’s quite
terrifying. Especially since, in the note, the phantom refers to himself in the
third person. Woooooooooooo scary. This prompts Nancy to begin a search of the
house again to find hidden panels. Because in this type of scenario there are
ALWAYS hidden panels. And sure enough she finds one! Unfortunately she tugs on
it too hard and it falls on her hitting her hard, causing her to black out.
Accident #2, Blackout/Head Injury#1.
A day or so later, after she recovers, the three go digging
at an old burial ground which is no longer actually there. Bess screams
and what has she found? A HUMAN SKULL. Gross. Poor Bess...again. They go investigate some caves in the area and
see someone spying on them. When going
to investigate, George and Nancy are standing closeish to the edge when the
ground under them gives away and they slide/roll/fall down the hill! Accident
#3. Bess runs down to check on them and manages to get a glimpse of who she
thinks is the spy.
Hmmm I wonder who it is? Is it Fred Jenkins perhaps? I’m
thinking its Fred Jenkins.
Yup it’s Fred Jenkins. Told you.
Back at the house Nancy asks for some info on Fred from Mrs.
Holman. Hmmm he’s a loner who lives with his dad. Sounds ripe for being a Nancy
Drew culprit to me. Nancy investigates a little more then it’s time for evening
festivities with the boys. The evening is marred a little though when Nancy’s
car is stolen! Seriously so much happens in this one! And it’s stolen from
Uncle John’s house, not like a public lot. Hmmm looks like Fred Jenkins stole
it. Under the pretense of washing it. Fat chance! Hah!
Well it’s a new day and you know what that means? Time to
investigate the library again. After finding some clues involving freshly mown
grass (Hermione would love it) there doesn’t seem to be much else out of place.
EXCEPT THE PRICELESS COIN COLLECTION! Seriously there was a coin in there worth
7500 bucks. And that was in 1965......oh man that’s a pretty penny (heh heh).
But there’s also still the question of how the phantom is getting in and out of
this room.
Nancy and Ned go off on a scuba adventure to try and find
the Lily Belle. Meanwhile, back at the house, Bess, George, Burt and Dave
decide to do a little investigating of their own. They do all they can to find
a way in and out of that library. Which ends with Dave disappearing headfirst
down the chimney. Accident #4.
Nevermind that at the same moment Nancy and Ned are diving
and Nancy gets her oxygen hose tangled and she can’t breathe underwater. (Does
that count as Accident #5? Maybe 4.5 it’s a smaller mishap easily and swiftly
rectified) After their diving adventure gives them no solid clues they drive
home, taking a detour by Fred Jenkins house. Who should they see but Fred’s
father, WHO IS ALSO THE OTHER MAN THEY’VE BEEN SEEING IN THE WOODS?! Ooooh a
father/son duo. I like it. Nancy and Ned totally break the law and investigate
the Jenkins house after the two men have left and find nothing, although Ned
does come up with an amusing rhyme. They do, however, find a key making machine
(seriously who other than criminals has one of THOSE just lying around at home)
which explains how Fred was able to take Nancy’s car!
Going back to the house leads to yet another investigation
of the library. This time it is to discover the last of the hidden money has
been stolen. Nancy is fed up and determined. This time she is finally
successful. In the dining room, with a nail file (she killed Colonel Mustard),
she finds a lever that opens a secret passage! Huzzuh!! George is the first to
investigate and hidden in the passage is the missing coin collection. Score 1
for George!
We are winding down and you know what that means? Time for a
stakeout! The girls hide in the library when a man in stocking feet and gloves
comes in. They watch him steal some costume jewelry and Nancy bursts out to
confront him. He sprays her with something that knocks her out. Oops. Knockout
#2. He does the same to George who has come to Nancy’s aid. Bess who is still
hiding almost panics but comes to her senses and shouts and the guy and before
he has a chance to spray her she throws a heavy book at him!! Woohoo way to go
Bess! Bad guy loses his balance and falls hitting his head. Bad guy taken down
by Bess. Yet another reason to love this particular book so much. But it’s not
over for her. While the three others lay unconscious Bess calls the cops. As
she waits for their arrival Fred comes in the house. OH NO! What does Bess do
best? She flirts with him as a distraction. Dude Bess totally saves the day in
this one I love it J
She even tempts him with cake and everything. Just in time for the cops to show
up and chase him down and arrest him. Suckaaaaaaa!
Turns out Fred and his father WERE looking for clues to the
missing treasure lost on the Lily Belle. (like we didn’t see that one coming)
Fred also admits that he and his father had stolen the coins and the money and Nancy’s
pearl necklace. And golly Pa Jenkins admired Nancy’s grit so much he was going
to tell her where everything was. Wow, what a nice thief!
Now it wouldn’t be a proper Nancy Drew conclusion without
the miraculous discovery of the treasure! Struck by genius Nancy and the gang
go to an old stump near the tribal village site/burial ground and dig up and old tree stump!
Woohoo there’s all the treasure! Trunks filled with gold coins as well as the
missing Rorick chest were indeed buried underneath. Yaaay happy ending!!
Man I forgot how much I love this one....
Soooo many accidents and head injuries....gotta love it! 5/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 2 (20 total)
Accidents: 4.5 (Infinity total)
Monday, October 13, 2014
Book #41: The Clue of the Whistling Bagpipes
RIVER HEIGHTS CRIMINAL SUSPICIONS: INTERNATIONAL VILLAINS UNIT
[CLANG CLANG!]
Villainous Sailor: Alright, IVU team. I heard from our central unit in River Heights that Nancy Drew is heading out on some kind of trip to Scotland. We need our best men on this NOW.
Random dark and shifty dude: But that's where we have our sheep thieving ring! Noooooo!
Shrewd-Looking Man #5: Can I say something?
Villainous Sailor: Only if it's not some terrible advice about not drawing attention to ourselves by leaving the Drew girl alone.
Shrewd-Looking Man #5: Shutting up now.
Villainous Sailor: Listen, gang. The sheep thieving ring isn't our only problem. Nancy Drew is taking the trip to track down a family heirloom we stole.
Shrewd-Looking Man #5: Can't we just mail it back or something?
Villainous Sailor: (rolls eyes) No, we can't just mail it back. Don't you know there's a narrative structure we have to follow? Attack the girl in her home, do something to her car, send a threatening note or make a call, follow her on her trip, and then cause a series of easy to escape accidents. Is that so difficult?!
Shrewd-Looking Man #5: (sighs) No, sir.
Random dark and shifty dude: So what's our first move?
Villainous Sailor: Something different. Something she'd never suspect...
Random dark and shifty dude: A conspicuous car crash?
Villainous Sailor: That's the ticket!
Shrewd-Looking Man #5: I'm gettin' too old for this shit...
[CLANG CLANG!]
Okay, I can't keep up a whole entry in Criminal Suspicions IVU without sacrificing our heroine's perspective so back to the normal review. Despite the fact that pretty much all the Nancy Drew international mysteries follow this predictable theme, I have forgiven this one for one very good reason. Which I will explain later.
Our mystery starts out in River Heights as Carson tells Nancy of a priceless family heirloom (and her inheritance) that has gone missing. Nancy's great-grandmother, whom she has never met, insists it must have been stolen. Nancy quickly agrees to take the case (doesn't hurt that the prize is a priceless heirloom) and the Drews are going to Scotland!
But wait. Bess shows up, saying that she's been given two tickets to any destination in Europe as she's won an international photo prize for a picture she took of Nancy. Herein lies the snag that makes the usually ludicrous villain commute between far-off lands and a Podunk suburb of Chicago seem a bit more realistic. The picture, which depicts Nancy with a magnifying glass and accompanies an article about her girl detective skills, is a surefire way to alert any criminals keeping their ear to the ground that she might be coming to bust up their gang.
Despite being a little irritated at a clueless Bess, who has probably blown her cover until the next major disaster, Nancy tells her to give the spare ticket to George so they can both accompany her to Scotland to find the missing brooch. The widely-circulated article brings something to this particular story that we haven't really seen before, which is Nancy suffering the negative effects of her celebrity. Her and her father's notoriety has mostly been used to get Nancy and her friends out of a jam when they are framed for a crime or scoffed at in disbelief. But, in this case, Nancy is immediately inundated by fans, hoping to get the autograph of the famous girl detective. She gives out her signature to a few children for fun, but worries when one of the kids sells her autograph to a smarmy looking dude in the crowd. She tries to protest but he says, I kid you not, "Thanks, baby!" and shuffles off. Will we see this man again? My vote's YES.
Meanwhile, as Nancy prepares for her trip, several not-so-bizarre incidents befall her. Her car is crashed into, she receives a threatening note about any car she's in being destined for an accident, and she receives a bomb threat. Needless to say, the trip to Scotland sees some white knuckles among our group. However, Nancy, Bess, George and Carson safely land.
Before setting out to the more rural area where her great-grandmother, Lady Douglas, lives, the girls do some sightseeing. This is one of the best devices of the international mysteries for kids, as the cultural information is generally quite expansive and interesting. This book proves to be no exception. The tour guide/chauffeur tells the girls tales of kings, war and bloodshed, not to mention a few obscure Scottish jokes. He does so in a written Scottish brogue, with all the canna's and dinna's you could ask for. Despite Bess's objections when the stories get too bloody, I personally was pretty riveted.
On their trip, Nancy and the girls even learn about the history of bagpipes, at which point Nancy attempts to play. Now, if any regular person were attempting to play the bagpipes for the first time, they would sound a lot like Ross from Friends sputtering out "Celebration" while their friends looked on in abject horror. Not Nancy, of course. No one can believe how great she is! She could go pro! Everyone is awestruck, but they don't know as I do that Nancy is an android.
Before the girls head to the countryside, Nancy connects with Ned, who has just returned from a school trip to South America. BRIEF ASIDE: WTF?! What is this guy studying, ambassadorship? He was just in frakking Hong Kong!!! Anyway, she asks him to look into who wrote the accompanying article in the magazine that has brought her all this celebrity since Bess had no idea. He discovers that the writer is a man she doesn't even know. Hmmmm...a villain?
Nancy, et. al head off to see Lady Douglas when they realize they are being followed. Nancy thinks he looks vaguely familiar, which I can easily attribute to the fact that, from his description, he is Groundskeeper Willie. Before you tell me I'm being Scot-ist, he was red-haired and bearded with "crazy red side-whiskers" and a kilt. Um, that's Willie. With an air of caution, Nancy and the girls meet up with a guide, Fiona, and head across a loch to the small village near her great-grandmother.
After a heartwarming first meeting, Nancy and her great-grandmother become fast friends. Lady Douglas explains that the heirloom, a beautiful brooch, was basically there one day and gone the next. Nancy sets out to search the area, discovering that there has also been a rash of sheep thefts across rural Scotland. It would appear that the pelts are being sold through underground dealers, leaving the local farmers impoverished.
Throughout the investigation, however, Nancy becomes more and more frustrated as people keep identifying her as the girl detective they've all been reading about. It seems she's always a few steps behind the criminals while the article is out. Another snag reveals itself when the police try to arrest Nancy because a forger has been using her signature (from the autographs) to write bad checks. The officers soon realize Nancy is not this kind of girl, however, and soon agree to help with the case.
Nancy soon realizes that the sheep thefts are being carried out after the signal of a particular bagpipe tune being played over the hills and schemes to play the tune herself. Newly a bagpipe prodigy (apparently) Nancy is able to catch the thieves with the help of her great-grandmother's staff, Fiona, the police and Bess and George. As it turns out, Groundskeeper Willie is actually the smarmy guy who bought her autograph in a Groundskeeper Willie costume. He shouts: "No Scotchtoberfest? Ya used me Skinner! Ya uuuuused me!" and is led off to prison with the rest of the sheep-stealing clan. It would appear that the criminals' inability to not steal Nancy's heirloom is really what led to their downfall. And, of course, that these criminals are idiots.
I hadn't read this one in a long time and wow did it hold up. It had great action, was rich in historical info, used Ned, George and Bess, and offered up the interesting twist of Nancy struggling to do her work under a spotlight. I give this one 5/5 mags.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)