Just when I'm getting an eye cramp from rolling my eyes, though, George gets some major comeuppance: a call from the trick shop tells George that the shop boy SOLD HER A LIVE CROCODILE BY MISTAKE. That's right. The "plastic" crocodile is a REAL MOTHERFUCKING CROCODILE and it's now crawling around the Drew's living room.
Okay, three things here and then I promise I'll get past the first chapter. First, even though I'm a bit delighted to see George get so freaked out, I cannot believe the phone call she got. It was basically: "We sold you a real crocodile by mistake. Its name is Crocky. Bring it back NOW or we're going to put you in jail. JAIL!" Um, seriously, trick shop? First of all, why do you have live baby crocodiles at ALL? And if anyone is getting arrested, it's you. Secondly, Crocky? Thirdly...oh, wait, there is no thirdly. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE LIVE CROCODILES IN A TRICK SHOP?
Sigh. I'm done.
Or am I?
Okay, yes.
To the mystery! Carson's friend, Roger Gonzalez, is suspicious that his partners in the Crocodile Ecology Co. in Key Biscayne, are running the organization super shadily. When Nancy gets a call from "Roger Gonzalez" saying: "Hey, guys! Mystery's off. JK, y'all!" she's justifiably suspicious. Nancy, Bess, and George decide to go anyways and adopt fake names (Ann, Elizabeth and Jackie, respectively).
Unfortunately, the girls have barely arrived in Florida when, even with the disguises, they are kidnapped by a fake limo driver and locked inside a house. Nancy picks the lock (because she's s freaking pimp), and they finally make their way to the host house, owned by Carson's contacts the Cosgroves.
When they finally get to the titular Crocodile Island and start a tour with the Cosgroves' son Danny, they are warned away by a couple of "swarthy" dudes (seriously, Nancy Drew, with the dark-featured criminals again?) and Bess is once again torn a new one by an ecology tour guide when she says she doesn't like crocodiles, and torn a new NEW one when she asks to stay home and bake the next day. I mean, Bess is being kind of annoying in this, but seriously?
Alright, I think I know what I need to do. This isn't a Lifetime movie. This is a Twitter dogpile:
***
@Bessluvscarbs: Hi, Twitter friends! Luv u as always! But, guys? WTF with these alligators? I mean, does anything need that many teeth? And dontcha think they're a little too scary? I don't know about y'all but I'd rather stay home and bake my rockin' lemon nut cake. But only after some cheese corn, amirite guys?!
@GeorgenotGeorgia Hey, cuz. Maybe put down the cheese corn and lose a few. Also, it's CROCODILES not alligators. Also, you suck. Delete your account SMDH.
@EcologyGuy OMG you're like Hitler only WORSE! I can't believe you don't like crocodiles (and YES that's a picture of a CROCODILE by the way). Kill yourself. But also, wanna bang?
@GeorgenotGeorgia [fat shaming GIF]
@Bessluvscarbs Come on guys! Too mean. Nancy?
@NancyDrewGD Sorry, Bess, I've got a mystery to solve. Rain check? K LUV YOU BYEEEEEE
***
I could go on forever, but I guess I won't because I need to point out YET ANOTHER horrifically racist element to the Nancy Drew books. In this one, a Seminole American Indian named Joe Hanze, who seems like he could be an awesome and informative character if written correctly, is relegated to "entertaining" the girls with his differences. Survey says RACIST. But, wait. What follows is a two page story told by a tour guide (pgs 113-115) about a Seminole tribe who gets blown up when they're trying to protect their land (NOT framed that way by the tour guide, by the way). The story is told from such a white perspective that, when the Seminole men are blown up, the boy scout listening says "GOOD!" and then asks after the "poor" white hero, Mr Thompson is okay. He is (Bess is relieved) but his assistant, simply referred to as "the black assistant" by the way, because even though he died protecting this rando white dude's lighthouse he can't have a name, was shot in the skirmish. Oh, but also reminder: it wasn't the rando white dude's lighthouse but actually the SEMINOLE'S lighthouse though b/c it's on their land. I'm pointing all of this out not just out of outrage (of which there is plenty) but because if anyone needs evidence of our history being taught to children through the lens of white colonization, read this book. Pages 113-115. Revel in your discomfort.
After the most racist story ever told, the action picks up. Ned, Dave, and Burt arrive, to the chagrin of Danny Cosgrove (who was definitely taking a shine to Bess despite her crocodile ignorance and constant screaming). Ned and Nancy end up on a submarine headed for Mexico with the criminal element siphoning money from the Crocodile Ecology Co. and the rest of the gang has to work from the island while Ned and Nancy find their way back. In a nice turn (especially after a book filled with Bess being a total female stereotype and also falling victim to white savior propaganda), Bess convinces the bad guys to confess with her softer, good-cop style, and the day is saved.
So, this one was overall entertaining, but I had to take away a full two mags because of the racism. It was just staggering. But also, seriously read it because it SO illustrates what is wrong with us.
Head injuries: 0 (13 total)
2 1/2 out of 5 mags
End note: Has anyone noticed that Nancy, Bess and George are basically Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup?
Oh, and another end note: were you all wondering what happened to the live baby crocodile, who Togo scared back into the box and was taken back to the trick shop, after the first chapter? Yeah. So am I.
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