Monday, March 2, 2015
River Heights Police Blotter
Twice the crime in half the time...
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/9/70 3:00 p.m. The alleged mannequin rapist, Farouk Tahmasp, once wanted for smuggling, is still at large and has contacted girl detective Nancy Drew to return his inanimate model. Residents have gone on the record to report the man "kissing" and "fondling" the mannequin. One local restaurant owner claims that Farouk was "in love" and could not stand to be parted from the intoxicatingly beautiful dummy. Some claim Farouk is a pervert, while others claim that the mannequin may be sexually promiscuous as they saw her "wink" at them. No leads on the missing mannequin have been reported thus far.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 11:52 a.m. An attempted burglary was once again reported at the residence of Carson and Nancy Drew, frequent victims of general nafariousness. Girl detective, Nancy Drew, reported that a man with a beard and a mustache "of Turkish descent" was responsible for the near-crime. The man attempted to steal a Turkish prayer rug, sent from agalmatophiliac Farouk Tahmasp, but failed when the Drew's family dog, Togo, intervened. The man escaped and no arrests have been made.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:05 p.m. UPDATE--Sources confirm that the man wanted for attempted burglary on the Drew house procured a skeleton key from local locksmith R.S. Smith. The man's ads, which boast being able to "open any unusual lock" have now come under scrutiny for, as local girl George Fayne put it, "advertising...to super-duper burglars." The store is under investigation but no arrests have been made.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:48 p.m. Patrons of nearby dining establishment The Water Wheel Restaurant reported that a local boy nearly drowned today during the lunch rush. Allegedly, the child was playing near the banks and fell in, swept towards the restaurant's titular water wheel. Fortunately, local hero and habitual drowning-child-saver, Nancy Drew came to the rescue. No long-term injuries were sustained.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/12/70 10:15 a.m. UPDATE--Local head of the police department, Chief McGuinness reported that RHPD concluded their investigation on the Drew burglary, claiming that the swarthy robber had "probably left town." River Heights residents reported seeing the chief later at the donut shop adding liquid from a small flask to his coffee and muttering about Nancy Drew making him look bad. County internal affairs is rumored to be stepping in while the chief takes a brief paid vacation.
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RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/13/70 12:55 p.m. A disturbance was reported at a Greek restaurant one town over. Bystanders report a man became enraged after hearing amateur dick Nancy Drew asking "too many questions" of the restaurant's proprietor. No injuries were reported or arrests made, but a basket of pita bread and large bowl of hummus and Raita was dropped as a result, costing the owner nearly ten dollars in rug cleaning fees.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/15/70 8:52 a.m. Yet another disturbance was reported at the Drew residence when a large and vicious dog attacked the teen investigator in her foyer. Live-in housekeeper, Hannah Greun, turned a hose on the dog. No serious injuries were reported, but the dog is rumored to belong to who we can now identify as the swarthy Turkish burglar, Aslanapa (a.k.a. "Nappy"). Nancy Drew has gone on record to report that she will be pursuing the "ludicrously-named criminal" to Turkey, where she will continue her search for alleged dummy defiler, Farouk Tahmasp.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/22/70 7:16 a.m. The River Heights Bugle just got word that girl detective Nancy Drew, having returned from one of her many lavish trips, has caught the burglar Nappy and found Farouk Tahmasp. Tahmasp has been cleared of all charges of sexual deviance and smuggling, as it turns out the "mannequin" was actually a woman posing in a store window--a woman who was, as this reporter just discovered--NOT on any paralyzing drugs or roofies. All criminal parties have been arrested by washed up police Chief McGuinness, and locals report a wedding is in the works between Farouk and the girl who played his mannequin. A strange news month indeed.
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I could go on, but I won't. This blotter sums up the story pretty well, save for the ongoing clues found in Farouk's prayer rug. I chose to write this in blotter form because 1) it begged for it and 2) while the story was fine and moved along well, it was ultimately forgettable and a bit of a snore.
Head Injuries: 1 (22 total)