TW/CW: this book is SUPER racist. Other books have also been (Ivory Charm, Clue in the Old Album, etc.) but I feel the need to point out the obvious problematic elements more clearly in this review because it’s that bad.
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Um, okay. I’ll be honest, I’m not too sure what to say about this one. First of all, for the first two-thirds of the book, Nancy is on a rather dull search for some stolen vases and a clay pit. Second of all, even when the action does speed up, the book (even revised) is so peppered with insensitive and derogatory terms about Asian Americans I can’t stop to enjoy any of it.
Let me ‘splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up…
Nancy is asked by a friend of Bess’s, Dick Milton (which of course just makes me call him “Whole-Grain Penis Bread” in my head), to find a vase that was stolen from his storefront. Turns out, the vase wasn’t for sale but a precious antique that belonged to a local man named Mr. Soong. WARNING: Mr. Soong is NOT Data’s dad, Dr. Noonien Soong. Don’t get excited, as I did, that this will finally be the book in which Nancy is proven to be an android. What follows is scene after scene with horrifying racial slurs about “those Orientals,” and “Chinamen.”
Oyyyyyyyyyyy. Nancy, Chinaman is NOT the preferred nomenclature. Also, please stop being so racist. Reviewing these books while medium-woke is a real eye-opener.
Anyways, Dick (henceforth to be referred to as Whole-Grain Penis Bread) tells Nancy to speak to Soong for him and also see if she can find a mysterious place within the River Heights with a leaning chimney — it might just have a China clay pit that could solve all of Whole-Grain Penis Bread’s money problems. He’s been looking for this leaning chimney FOREVER, guys! Nancy does find the titular leaning chimney — actually, after a short drive, she finds a leaning chimney, finds a secret passageway in that old woman’s home, then finds ANOTHER leaning chimney house across the grounds which is apparently the REAL leaning chimney.
Okay, again, two things. First of all, Whole-Grain Penis Bread must not have been looking too hard. Because Nancy took a casual drive with friends and managed to find not one but TWO leaning chimneys. Second of all, HOW ARE THERE SECRET PASSAGEWAYS IN EVERYONE’S HOME? Should the entrance sing to River Heights say: “Welcome to River Heights — Home of the Nation’s Biggest Sailor Retirement Home! And largest network of secret passageways! And also Nancy Drew!”? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good secret passageway. Bring ’em on. But it makes me wonder if River Heights was like a crazy den of secrecy and crime at one point. Oh, wait…
Back to our story. After finding both leaning chimneys, Nancy talks to Mr. Soong and discovers that, not only is he missing a vase, but some family friends who were supposed to arrive five years ago from China and never made it (little late, Soong). Of course, Nancy is on that case now as well.
DO YOU THINK THEY COULD ALL BE CONNECTED?!
Well, of course they are. Because they are all connected to people from China[sarc]. Seriously, reading this book, I kind of felt like I was having a conversation with my late Nana. Now, I know that this is indicative of the phrases of the time, but it needs to be pointed out, much like the awesome but problematic Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Thoroughly Modern Millie.
Nancy pieces together clue after clue, discovering that the main crook is actually half-Chinese himself so APPARENTLY that’s why he’s going around stealing and replicating only China Clay vases. Um, because if he were white, he’d only be stealing Hummel Figurines? What?!
Not much makes sense in this book. All we really know is that the crook (and his brother, who apparently looks “Chinese enough” to impersonate Mr. Soong, because all the store-owners in town just say “Um, I don’t know. He looked like a Chinaman.” when Nancy wants a detailed description) are holding Soong’s friends, the Engs, captive to create fake vases to sell.
Everything works out in the end — The Engs, Mr. Soong and Whole-Grain Penis Bread are all happy — but I’m left with a big cring-ey feeling. There are some worthwhile parts, but all in all I have to give this one a low 2/5 mags.
Head injuries: 0 (11 total)
Secret Passageways: 1, but it's got to be close to fifty total.
Derogatory phrases: Like a million. Seriously. Okay, not seriously but hyperbolically because I need you to understand just how many there were.
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