Explosions, Kidnappings, and Doppelgangers, oh myyyyyy!
See what I did there? It was a Wizard of Oz and George Takai reference all rolled into one. Primo.
This book would appear to have everything. It's action-packed, contains both doppelgangers and head injuries, is chock-full of explosions, and features Ned. What else could a girl want? Well, unfortunately, while this all looks good on paper (metaphorically, of course--I mean the book IS on paper), it definitely suffered in execution. Most of this suffering was at the hand of mid 20th century cultural insensitivity and a preponderance of coincidences.
Our story begins with Nancy receiving a letter from Ned, who is in a cultural exchange program in Hong Kong. While she is marveling at the idea of traveling there, her father says there might be a case he is working on there she could help him with. At the VERY SAME TIME, Aunt Eloise calls with a mystery involving an older gentleman from Hong Kong named Grandpa Soong.
Now, imagine I'm Will Arnett as I say this...C'MON!
But, okay, I've gotten past the most ridiculous series of coincidences since the prevalence of delinquent sailors in River Heights. Moving on. As we get to New York, the mystery hits the ground running with an explosion. After the dust settles, so to speak, we find out that Grandpa Soong is a man who occupies the adjoining duplex-style apartment with Aunt Eloise. His granddaughter, a college student named Chi Che, left a very mysterious letter and has likely been kidnapped. As soon as Nancy sets out on the case, she is hounded by a series of oddball villains with names like Ferdinand Breen, Smitty, and Skinny Kord.
Very quickly, the girls realize that Chi Che looks a lot like George and they decide to trick the villains by having our favorite tomboy prance around town in a high-necked silk dress and affected eyeliner (cringe!). The ruse works, only too well. The villains attempt to kidnap George and later succeed in kidnapping Bess. All the while, I am left to wonder why in the hell this gang of ne'er do wells cares about Chi Che or Grandpa Soong enough to go to all of this trouble. Grandpa Soong is an archaeologist working on a manuscript about a hidden frieze, but it doesn't sound to be particularly valuable. Nevertheless, the manuscript is stolen and I begin to accept the fact that these villains are dumber than the idiots from The Ringmaster's Secret.
Just when the girls start to settle down and relax for a moment...ANOTHER EXPLOSION! Someone has put a firecracker too close to the gas main in Eloise's kitchen. I honestly have no idea how there aren't more injuries in this book.
BUT, WAIT! Nancy investigates and is smashed over the head. Boom, head injury.
Eventually, the girls discover that Chi Che has been moved overseas. The coincidences start to figuratively close in on me as Nancy finds out there just happens to be a student trip to Hong Kong with enough seats for her, Bess, George and her father. And they can stay with Ned! Seriously, I love Ned, but this is just one happenstance too many.
Before they leave, however, two things happen. First, there are about 10 pages peppered with fat jokes about Bess and, despite the fact that she laughs it off, I feel like punching George. Lay off the girl! We all like bonbons, and judging from the cover art she's got maybe five pounds on you guys. Sheesh! Secondly, they begin to wonder whether they can go at all because there is ANOTHER THREAT OF EXPLOSION. The villains make a bomb threat on the plane and it's only by way of Nancy's clever use of their surveillance equipment that the girls are able to make it appear as if they are heading home.
...off to Hong Kong!
The rest of the book is actually quite interesting, with Ned being a font of information on Chinese culture due to his stay there. Of course, it's all from a white dude's perspective, but whoever ghostwrote this clearly read a book or something. because it actually comes across as information about Chinese culture rather than crass stereotyping a'la Leaning Chimney.
Between visits to the opera and local gardens, Nancy manages to track down the villains (again, Skinny Kord?!) and discover that their motive wasn't based on the manuscript at all but on Chi Che discovering their smuggling ring. The crooks had simply stolen the manuscript to make sure any evidence of their crime was destroyed. Ah, okay. They are upgraded to only minorly stupid. After a thrilling sequence involving Nancy escaping the villains with Chi Che, only to be taken aboard a plane that may be shot down, the crooks are finally arrested and the smuggling ring is dead. Wa-hoo!
I must also mention a delightful scene in which Nancy discovers Chi Che's location when she overhears one of the criminals screeching that "Chi Che's off the junk!" I, of course, did not realize that Chinese sailing vessels are called "junks" so you can imagine my confusion amid lines like: "Where are they? They're on Mr. Lung's Junk!" and "At that very moment Nancy was being pushed aboard the large, sumptuous junk." Heehee. Sumptuous junk.
In any event, this book definitely had some issues, even aside from the multitudinous coincidences. While this is common at the time, the number of times Asian individuals were referred to as "The Chinese" or "Oriental" was overwhelming. At times I felt as if I was reading the prose of my racist, out-of-touch Great Aunt Flotilda. Flotilda doesn't exist of course, but you get my point.
I am taking away two full mags, but adding half a mag for the better-than-average action and suspense. 3 1/2 mags out of 5.
Head injuries: 1 (16 total)
Doppelgangers: 1 pair
Explosions: 2 (9 total)
Kidnappings: 3 (infinity total)
Fat jokes: 5
Weirdest Villain Name: Skinny Kord
Most Hilarious Moment: My confusion over the word "junk"
Cultural Insensitivity: 1.5 liters
Friday, August 29, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
Book # 37: The Clue in the Old Stagecoach
Nancy vs. No-Good Thieves…and Fuzzy Lumpkins?!
Our next book finds Nancy, Bess and George hiking up a steep hill, on the way to investigate their next mystery. Of course, Bess (our resident “shopping is exercise!” advocate), is already complaining that they shouldn’t take on any case that involves such a drastic elevation change. Unsurprisingly, her suggestion falls on deaf ears.
The girls are visiting Mrs. Strook, who lives in a village near a camp that the girls are visiting on their neverending summer. The kindly old woman, unlike our usual charity case, is living well, but wants the girls to help unearth clues to an old family treasure that could provide the money to build a new school in Francisville. Apparently, Mrs. Strook has a great uncle named Abner Langstreet who hid a vital clue to the treasure in an old stagecoach.
Pretty much from the moment Nancy agrees to solve the mystery, she is beset by a nosy couple named Ross and Audrey Monteith, a surly libertarian named Judd Hillary (think more Fuzzy Lumpkins and less Gary Johnson…in fact, that’s Judd Hillary’s name now) and a pack of mysterious thieves who make off with the old stagecoach as soon as she has it.
The Monteiths, a couple in their 30’s, are this book’s Mortimer Bartescue. They are arrogant, obsequious, insufferable buttinskies (yes, I need all those adjectives!) who insist not only on talking to Nancy and her friends every chance they get, but eavesdropping on every conversation. First of all, I have to point out that, as a woman in my thirties, if I showed up at a summer camp and inserted myself into the activities of teenagers, I’m sure it would go a lot worse than it did for the Monteiths. At least Nancy and her crew simply ignored them and made up polite excuses at first.
As the book progresses, however, Nancy just says “screw manners” and starts ditching them. And, honestly, I don’t blame her. Of course, just as in some of the earlier books, we are left to puzzle over if they are simply an annoyance (like Bartescue) or part of the larger crime ring (think fake Prince Michael). In this case, they are totally guilty.
While in Francisville, Nancy is also accosted by Fuzzy Lumpkins. He basically accuses her of ruining the town and creating more taxes for the townspeople.
Uh, what? How, we are forced to wonder, is that even possible? Who goes around accusing random people of putting “city folk ideas” into the local townspeople’s heads, raising taxes and limiting hard-working Americans’ right to bear arms and kick the ass of…oh, wait. He’s this guy:
Yep. That all makes sense now. Nancy is unsure as to whether he is just afflicted with those pesky bonnet bees, or if he is also part of the criminal ring trying to keep her from the treasure. However, I am sure. Guilty.
While Nancy dodges the Monteiths and Judd Hillary, she, Bess and George also find time for some tennis and water ballet. The girls sign up for a comedic clown-themed water performance and I am torn between delighted anticipation and cold fear at the thought of clowns chasing me down like sharks in the water. During this story, the girls are being “escorted” by three other boys (whose names I refuse to remember because they aren’t Ned, Burt and Dave). While I totally get that these other boys are more of a “group hang” scenario, I still get enraged at the idea of Ned being replaced. Could be leftover PTSD from the Nancy Drew Files. In any event, Ned, Burt and Dave do show up in the home stretch to help out and I am placated.
In the end, Nancy and the gang are able to track down the clue in some letters left at a local farm. They dig up the old stagecoach (despite a botched poisoning attempt by the Monteiths) and find the treasure. A classic line is uttered at the end, when the Monteiths, Fuzzy Lumpkins, and two other local toughs are brought in on theft and attempted murder charges. As the bad guys are led away, Bess sighs and says: “Oh, why can’t people be honest?”
Um, because there would be no books, Bess. And River Heights would be filled with normal, boring citizens instead of embezzling sailors.
But, seriously. How cute is Bess?
This one was very good. It was well-paced and didn’t try to fit too many mysteries into one case like some of the books do. However, the end was a bit rushed, and where the hell was that clown water ballet? My fear has passed and now I want it! Ah, well.
4/5 Mags
Head injuries: 1 (15 total)
Friday, May 30, 2014
Book #36: The Secret of the Golden Pavilion
That's right, gang...it's time for a spinoff. You fell in love with hard-boiled Nancy Drew in River Heights: Criminal Suspicions. Now get ready to dig even deeper into the dark underbelly of this idyllic Midwestern town in River Heights: Gangland Style.
RIVER HEIGHTS: GANGLAND STYLE
[CLANG CLANG!]
Nancy Drew sits in a private helicopter, petting her dog, Togo. Evidently, when your dog wins first prize at a dog show, they take you home in a helicopter.
Nancy Drew: [peering out the window] Oh look, it's our house, Togo. Wait...what's that? Some kind of ruffian trying to break in? Chauffeur, fly closer please!
Pilot: Ma'am, I'm a certified pilot, not a chauffeur. Also, we can't just "fly closer" to a suburban neighborhood. That's how helicopters fly into houses. Also, why in the hell did I take this job escorting the dog show winner in a frikkin' helicopter?!
Nancy: [rolls eyes] Whatever. I'll take those binoculars. Wait--it is!! Someone is breaking into our house! And with such an interesting ladder...
Pilot: What could be interesting about a ladder?
Nancy: Chauffeur?
Pilot: [clenches teeth] Yes, ma'am?
Nancy: My father is an important lawyer. I will now have to insist that you shut your pie-hole.
Pilot: Yes, ma'am.
[CLANG CLANG!]
Carson Drew: Nancy, I want you to meet Mr. Sakamaki. He has a mystery for us.
Mr. Sakamaki: Yes, it is most intriguing. I recently inherited my grandfather's estate in Hawaii but another family has come forward to claim the inheritance. They are loud, pasty white and fat American types.
Carson: [nodding] That does sound like Americans...
Mr. Sakamaki: Well, it doesn't end there. Not only are these albino fatties trying to claim my estate, there's also been some mysterious damage done to our legendary golden pavilion.
Carson: Hey, Nancy! That's the title! It's titular!
Nancy: Hmmmm...I don't know. We sort of already have a fascinating mystery going. I call it "The Case of the Collapsible Ladder."
Mrs. Sakamaki: With this mystery, you get to go to Hawaii.
Nancy: Sold!
[CLANG CLANG!]
Chief McGuinness: So, it looks like the man who rented the collapsible ladder to break into your house fits the description of the leader in an international gang called the Double Scorps. We would have never figured that out if it wasn't for the strangely-apt description you and several townspeople gave of the man and his unusual tic. Who would have thought so many people would remember the way a man played around with his hands?
Nancy: [laughing] Well, it was quite unusual, Chief. These criminals, with their swarthy looks, weird birthmarks, signature tattoos, and idiosyncrasies. Frakkin' amateurs is what they are. Am I right?
Chief McGuinness: [chortling] Signature tattoos--that's my bread and butter right there.
Nancy: Isn't that the truth? Well, I'm off to learn some more about Hawaiian characters and legends.
Chief McGuinness: That's right! Nancy, what on earth are you still doing here? It's been seventy pages! Shouldn't you be already be in Hawaii by now?
Nancy: I just need to lock down a few details before I go, Chief. So far I'm not quite sure that the international gang will follow me to the islands yet.
Chief McGuinness: You know they always do.
Nancy: [shakes head] Frakkin' amateurs...
[CLANG CLANG!]
Bess Marvin: Oh, what a frightful journey! But here we are in beautiful Hawaii. Now it's time for some fun in the--
Nancy: Not so fast, Bess. We have a gang to catch. Someone's still hacking away at the beautiful golden pavilion on the Sakamaki estate. And I spotted a ghostly figure dancing there last night.
Ned: But not an actual ghost, right?
Nancy: [laughing] Of course not a ghost. It's never a ghost.
Ned: Right.
Nancy: Maybe if I take over the role of the ghostly dancer, we can draw out the gang and catch them in the act...
George: Wait, the gang? I thought we were looking for the chunky inheritance thieves Mr. Sakamaki told us about.
Nancy: George, what have we learned after all these [year]?
George: [sighs] Of course. They're all in it together. You know, even on a good day, these fools couldn't hit their ass with both hands.
Ned: What?
George: Forget it, Ned. it's Chinatown.
[CLANG CLANG!]
Nancy: Well, we did it! We brought down the gang.
Ned: And found a treasure!
George: And I just kneed this guy in the balls.
Gang leader: OW!
Bess: And I just found this ham!
Nancy: [smiling] Looks like it's time to celebrate. GANGLAND STYLE!
[CLANG CLANG!]
Sinister music plays as we pan over River Heights. Nancy and her friends are stepping off a small airplane when Carson Drew approaches, hat in hand.
Carson: [tears in his eyes] Nancy...
Nancy: What is it, Dad?
Carson: It's the collapsible ladder company. With all the bad press, and the gang, I'm afraid [chokes out sob].
Nancy: No....no no! Don't tell me...
Carson: The patent didn't go through.
Nancy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[CLANG CLANG!]
Alright, I potentially had a bit too much fun with that. But, for some odd reason, that ladder was really memorable.
This one was good, but I admit not as great as I remember. As mentioned earlier, a good 70-80 pages go by without Nancy and friends heading to Hawaii and I did get a bit antsy. Once our sleuths get to Hawaii, the story really does pick up but I'd say the story tops out at 3 1/2 out of 5 mags.
RIVER HEIGHTS: GANGLAND STYLE
[CLANG CLANG!]
Nancy Drew sits in a private helicopter, petting her dog, Togo. Evidently, when your dog wins first prize at a dog show, they take you home in a helicopter.
Nancy Drew: [peering out the window] Oh look, it's our house, Togo. Wait...what's that? Some kind of ruffian trying to break in? Chauffeur, fly closer please!
Pilot: Ma'am, I'm a certified pilot, not a chauffeur. Also, we can't just "fly closer" to a suburban neighborhood. That's how helicopters fly into houses. Also, why in the hell did I take this job escorting the dog show winner in a frikkin' helicopter?!
Nancy: [rolls eyes] Whatever. I'll take those binoculars. Wait--it is!! Someone is breaking into our house! And with such an interesting ladder...
Pilot: What could be interesting about a ladder?
Nancy: Chauffeur?
Pilot: [clenches teeth] Yes, ma'am?
Nancy: My father is an important lawyer. I will now have to insist that you shut your pie-hole.
Pilot: Yes, ma'am.
[CLANG CLANG!]
Carson Drew: Nancy, I want you to meet Mr. Sakamaki. He has a mystery for us.
Mr. Sakamaki: Yes, it is most intriguing. I recently inherited my grandfather's estate in Hawaii but another family has come forward to claim the inheritance. They are loud, pasty white and fat American types.
Carson: [nodding] That does sound like Americans...
Mr. Sakamaki: Well, it doesn't end there. Not only are these albino fatties trying to claim my estate, there's also been some mysterious damage done to our legendary golden pavilion.
Carson: Hey, Nancy! That's the title! It's titular!
Nancy: Hmmmm...I don't know. We sort of already have a fascinating mystery going. I call it "The Case of the Collapsible Ladder."
Mrs. Sakamaki: With this mystery, you get to go to Hawaii.
Nancy: Sold!
[CLANG CLANG!]
Chief McGuinness: So, it looks like the man who rented the collapsible ladder to break into your house fits the description of the leader in an international gang called the Double Scorps. We would have never figured that out if it wasn't for the strangely-apt description you and several townspeople gave of the man and his unusual tic. Who would have thought so many people would remember the way a man played around with his hands?
Nancy: [laughing] Well, it was quite unusual, Chief. These criminals, with their swarthy looks, weird birthmarks, signature tattoos, and idiosyncrasies. Frakkin' amateurs is what they are. Am I right?
Chief McGuinness: [chortling] Signature tattoos--that's my bread and butter right there.
Nancy: Isn't that the truth? Well, I'm off to learn some more about Hawaiian characters and legends.
Chief McGuinness: That's right! Nancy, what on earth are you still doing here? It's been seventy pages! Shouldn't you be already be in Hawaii by now?
Nancy: I just need to lock down a few details before I go, Chief. So far I'm not quite sure that the international gang will follow me to the islands yet.
Chief McGuinness: You know they always do.
Nancy: [shakes head] Frakkin' amateurs...
[CLANG CLANG!]
Bess Marvin: Oh, what a frightful journey! But here we are in beautiful Hawaii. Now it's time for some fun in the--
Nancy: Not so fast, Bess. We have a gang to catch. Someone's still hacking away at the beautiful golden pavilion on the Sakamaki estate. And I spotted a ghostly figure dancing there last night.
Ned: But not an actual ghost, right?
Nancy: [laughing] Of course not a ghost. It's never a ghost.
Ned: Right.
Nancy: Maybe if I take over the role of the ghostly dancer, we can draw out the gang and catch them in the act...
George: Wait, the gang? I thought we were looking for the chunky inheritance thieves Mr. Sakamaki told us about.
Nancy: George, what have we learned after all these [year]?
George: [sighs] Of course. They're all in it together. You know, even on a good day, these fools couldn't hit their ass with both hands.
Ned: What?
George: Forget it, Ned. it's Chinatown.
[CLANG CLANG!]
Nancy: Well, we did it! We brought down the gang.
Ned: And found a treasure!
George: And I just kneed this guy in the balls.
Gang leader: OW!
Bess: And I just found this ham!
Nancy: [smiling] Looks like it's time to celebrate. GANGLAND STYLE!
[CLANG CLANG!]
Sinister music plays as we pan over River Heights. Nancy and her friends are stepping off a small airplane when Carson Drew approaches, hat in hand.
Carson: [tears in his eyes] Nancy...
Nancy: What is it, Dad?
Carson: It's the collapsible ladder company. With all the bad press, and the gang, I'm afraid [chokes out sob].
Nancy: No....no no! Don't tell me...
Carson: The patent didn't go through.
Nancy: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[CLANG CLANG!]
Alright, I potentially had a bit too much fun with that. But, for some odd reason, that ladder was really memorable.
This one was good, but I admit not as great as I remember. As mentioned earlier, a good 70-80 pages go by without Nancy and friends heading to Hawaii and I did get a bit antsy. Once our sleuths get to Hawaii, the story really does pick up but I'd say the story tops out at 3 1/2 out of 5 mags.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Book #35: The Haunted Showboat
Nancy vs. car thieves, bombs, pissy Mortimer Bartesque-esque fops, and...the horrors of the Bayou!
The Haunted Showboat has two very important distinctions: One, it is the first book in the original series that isn't revised (the remainder of the "yellow" series--up to 56 or 64 sepending on who you ask--does not have revisions) and also, it's likely the best mystery.
I know I've already made such claims with Tolling Bell and will make such claims again with my first-read Nancy Drew and fave The Secret of Shady Glen. But...at least so far I have to say this is my favorite actual mystery. I won't be able to give it a full score, despite my love of the story, because reviewing these books while medium-woke keeps me from doing so, and the book is LADEN with predictable racisms surrounding New Orleans and Voudon culture. Like SO many stereotypes that my face was just frozen in that Chrissy Teigen cringe GIF for whole scenes.
Our mystery starts off quickly with Bess teasing a trip to New Orleans for her cousin Donna Mae's wedding and a possible mystery aboard a showboat. I really do love when the mystery is kind of handed to Nancy as the thin plot devices that have led her into others are getting a bit hard to believe. The girls decide to head off to Louisiana on a road trip in Nancy's little convertible, but before they can...NANCY'S CAR IS STOLEN!!!
Alright, that didn't need to be in all caps, but there you have it. For all of five minutes the girls think their trip is ruined, but then Carson Drew shows up like a really, really rich knight in shining armor (the armor is so shiny because he's so rich) and presents a brand new convertible. because he was thinking of getting her one anyway.
Wow. It's really a wonder Nancy Drew didn't turn out a stupid, spoiled princess with all the cars her father buys her. I'm pretty sure this is her fifth new car. Anyhoo, they head out on the road in the brand new car but are plagued throughout the entire road trip by the car thief, who Bess originally spots when she recognizes an ink stain in the back seat of Nancy's stolen car. Every time the girls set off again, something goes wrong with the car. The rear housing falls out, and the girls find a bomb strapped under the car.
I'm sorry, but what kind of thief steals a car and then uses the STOLEN CAR to continue terrorizing the victim of his crime? Well, the kind of thief that only stole the car in the first place to keep Nancy from going to New Orleans, but we'll get back to that later. Even with that, though, it's pretty moronic for the guy to use Nancy's vehicle to stalk her. Lamesauce. (The thief is lamesauce, not this mystery so far, which is amazeballs).
After several more incidents in this cat-and-mouse game (at one point, the thief somehow leads them up an icy path where a telephone pole is downed and sparks are flying everywhere. Then, I'm pretty sure he causes a blizzard, which leads me to the only safe (and conservative) conclusion: the car thief is Saruman.
So, the girls end up taking the path to Moria--er, I mean the longer path and finally arrive in New Orleans. When they get to Bess and George's cousin's estate, however, they find that their formerly sweet and laid back cuz is now a high-maintenance bratzilla (that's right, I just created a word. If the genuises over at Burritozilla can do it so can I). They get the whole story behind Donna Mae's wedding: apparently she had been engaged to a super-nice local boy named Charles Bartlome but ditched him unceremoniously when the aforementioned fop, Alex Upgrove came along. Alex Upgrove, though Oxford educated, is apparently not as attractive and thrice as annoying as Charles Bartlome and nobody knows what in the hell Donna Mae is thinking. Nevertheless, her parents are throwing an elaborate wedding party aboard a showboat where the bride and groom dress up like a prince and princess. The only problem? A serious of strange noises, mysterious calliope music and ghostly sightings...
Is this starting to sound like a reality show to anyone? My Big Fat Bayou Wedding? Runaway Bratzilla? The Real Belles of New Orleans? Pimp my Showboat? Wait, I've got one more in me... World's Deadliest Showboat Hauntings?
Nancy, as always, agrees to take the case, but is foiled at almost every turn by Donna Mae, who wants everything focused on her, and Alex Upgrove, whose nosiness about the mystery is starting to make the girls suspect that he might be involved in the alleged "haunting." That's right, folks. All hauntings are now in sarcastic quotation marks. My faith has been shattered.
Finally, Nancy is able to slip away and find time to check out the showboat, aided by Donna Mae's ex Charles Bartlome. He's been working to restore the boat for Donna Mae's parents (a glutton for punishment, apparently) and offers up two of his best friends to accompany the girls to the haunted boat. Nancy accepts their platonic invitation, as she's used to there being three friendly, non-sexually aggressive men to escort them whenever Ned and co. aren't around. Donna Mae, of course, blows her figurative top as she's already pissed off by Alex Upgrove's strange obsession with Nancy and the mystery. She calls Ned, Burt and Dave at Emerson, making it seem like Nancy and the girls are involved in sleazy New Orleans affairs (it is home to pirates, drunks and whores; tacky over-priced souvenir stores, if you believe the musical).
Completely unruffled, Nancy is pleased when the boys show up, diffusing any possible hurt feelings or tension, which somehow makes Donna Mae even madder. Wow. Does this girl belong in Sweet Valley or what? In any event, the arrival of Ned finally makes Alex back off a bit from his needling, obsequious behavior towards Nancy. The men are all relieved that their girls haven't strayed, but that relief doesn't last long, as they are recruited to play the part of jesters and clowns in Donna Mae and Alex's ludicrous wedding performance. Nancy, Bess and George all laugh at them mercilessly.
Meanwhile, Nancy solves at least half of the bayou mystery. The ghostly figures seen on board were apparently an elderly man, Mr. de la Verne who has been taking his ill twin sister to the boat to relive old times. It's a sweet storyline, and one that leads us to the ultimate reveal when the girls look through Mr. de la Verne's old Oxford yearbooks (do they have yearbooks in college?) and discover that the man posing as upper-class Alex Upgrove is a fake! Just as they glean this bit of information, the girls see a face at the window--It's faux Alex! (Fauxlix?) The girls soon get the rest of the story--Fauxlix and Nancy's car thief stalker are in cahoots and have been "haunting" the boat by playing music and making strange noises to detract from their own search for a long-lost treasure.
BRIEF ASIDE: Do you think all the treasures have been found at this point in time? Probably. It makes me sad to think of all these criminals stooping to boring-old armed robbery because there are no more vague leads to long-lost treasures.
Anyway, the action ties up with Nancy, Ned and the gang tracking down Fauxlix trying to escape with the treasure using the famous New Orleans Mardis Gras parade as a cover (why he didn't just blow out of town I don't fully understand but whatever).
They tell Donna Mae the truth about her good-for-nothing fiancee and she quickly pales, realizing she gave up a great man (Charles Bartlome) for nothing and has also been a spoiled, ridiculous douchebag. Undeservedly, she starts seeing Charles again and they soon announce their re-engagement. Bess and George are happy to have their cousin back and not the insufferable chore of a girl we've been dealing with for the entire book, but I kind of wish she would end up alone. Am I becoming less of a romantic?
Well, my newfound apathy regarding happy endings for complete a-holes aside, this was really a great mystery. Note I said mystery. I can't praise the book as whole because of the really cringe-worthy representation. And while William Shatner might scoff at this, I cannot in good faith review these books without pointing out the elements that could legitimately would kids. If I can't say that these things are wrong, what the hell am I doing reviewing these children's books? Other than having a ball swearing about them, that is?
This one would ABSOLUTELY get 5/5 mags but I take away a full mag and a half for racism, add a bonus half mag for it being hands down the best actual mystery in the bunch, and thus it is 4 out of 5 mags.
Less-than-quaint racisms: Um, yikes. Lots.
Head injuries: 0 (14 total)
New Cars: like a million...probably 5
The Haunted Showboat has two very important distinctions: One, it is the first book in the original series that isn't revised (the remainder of the "yellow" series--up to 56 or 64 sepending on who you ask--does not have revisions) and also, it's likely the best mystery.
I know I've already made such claims with Tolling Bell and will make such claims again with my first-read Nancy Drew and fave The Secret of Shady Glen. But...at least so far I have to say this is my favorite actual mystery. I won't be able to give it a full score, despite my love of the story, because reviewing these books while medium-woke keeps me from doing so, and the book is LADEN with predictable racisms surrounding New Orleans and Voudon culture. Like SO many stereotypes that my face was just frozen in that Chrissy Teigen cringe GIF for whole scenes.
Our mystery starts off quickly with Bess teasing a trip to New Orleans for her cousin Donna Mae's wedding and a possible mystery aboard a showboat. I really do love when the mystery is kind of handed to Nancy as the thin plot devices that have led her into others are getting a bit hard to believe. The girls decide to head off to Louisiana on a road trip in Nancy's little convertible, but before they can...NANCY'S CAR IS STOLEN!!!
Alright, that didn't need to be in all caps, but there you have it. For all of five minutes the girls think their trip is ruined, but then Carson Drew shows up like a really, really rich knight in shining armor (the armor is so shiny because he's so rich) and presents a brand new convertible. because he was thinking of getting her one anyway.
Wow. It's really a wonder Nancy Drew didn't turn out a stupid, spoiled princess with all the cars her father buys her. I'm pretty sure this is her fifth new car. Anyhoo, they head out on the road in the brand new car but are plagued throughout the entire road trip by the car thief, who Bess originally spots when she recognizes an ink stain in the back seat of Nancy's stolen car. Every time the girls set off again, something goes wrong with the car. The rear housing falls out, and the girls find a bomb strapped under the car.
I'm sorry, but what kind of thief steals a car and then uses the STOLEN CAR to continue terrorizing the victim of his crime? Well, the kind of thief that only stole the car in the first place to keep Nancy from going to New Orleans, but we'll get back to that later. Even with that, though, it's pretty moronic for the guy to use Nancy's vehicle to stalk her. Lamesauce. (The thief is lamesauce, not this mystery so far, which is amazeballs).
After several more incidents in this cat-and-mouse game (at one point, the thief somehow leads them up an icy path where a telephone pole is downed and sparks are flying everywhere. Then, I'm pretty sure he causes a blizzard, which leads me to the only safe (and conservative) conclusion: the car thief is Saruman.
So, the girls end up taking the path to Moria--er, I mean the longer path and finally arrive in New Orleans. When they get to Bess and George's cousin's estate, however, they find that their formerly sweet and laid back cuz is now a high-maintenance bratzilla (that's right, I just created a word. If the genuises over at Burritozilla can do it so can I). They get the whole story behind Donna Mae's wedding: apparently she had been engaged to a super-nice local boy named Charles Bartlome but ditched him unceremoniously when the aforementioned fop, Alex Upgrove came along. Alex Upgrove, though Oxford educated, is apparently not as attractive and thrice as annoying as Charles Bartlome and nobody knows what in the hell Donna Mae is thinking. Nevertheless, her parents are throwing an elaborate wedding party aboard a showboat where the bride and groom dress up like a prince and princess. The only problem? A serious of strange noises, mysterious calliope music and ghostly sightings...
Is this starting to sound like a reality show to anyone? My Big Fat Bayou Wedding? Runaway Bratzilla? The Real Belles of New Orleans? Pimp my Showboat? Wait, I've got one more in me... World's Deadliest Showboat Hauntings?
Nancy, as always, agrees to take the case, but is foiled at almost every turn by Donna Mae, who wants everything focused on her, and Alex Upgrove, whose nosiness about the mystery is starting to make the girls suspect that he might be involved in the alleged "haunting." That's right, folks. All hauntings are now in sarcastic quotation marks. My faith has been shattered.
Finally, Nancy is able to slip away and find time to check out the showboat, aided by Donna Mae's ex Charles Bartlome. He's been working to restore the boat for Donna Mae's parents (a glutton for punishment, apparently) and offers up two of his best friends to accompany the girls to the haunted boat. Nancy accepts their platonic invitation, as she's used to there being three friendly, non-sexually aggressive men to escort them whenever Ned and co. aren't around. Donna Mae, of course, blows her figurative top as she's already pissed off by Alex Upgrove's strange obsession with Nancy and the mystery. She calls Ned, Burt and Dave at Emerson, making it seem like Nancy and the girls are involved in sleazy New Orleans affairs (it is home to pirates, drunks and whores; tacky over-priced souvenir stores, if you believe the musical).
Completely unruffled, Nancy is pleased when the boys show up, diffusing any possible hurt feelings or tension, which somehow makes Donna Mae even madder. Wow. Does this girl belong in Sweet Valley or what? In any event, the arrival of Ned finally makes Alex back off a bit from his needling, obsequious behavior towards Nancy. The men are all relieved that their girls haven't strayed, but that relief doesn't last long, as they are recruited to play the part of jesters and clowns in Donna Mae and Alex's ludicrous wedding performance. Nancy, Bess and George all laugh at them mercilessly.
Meanwhile, Nancy solves at least half of the bayou mystery. The ghostly figures seen on board were apparently an elderly man, Mr. de la Verne who has been taking his ill twin sister to the boat to relive old times. It's a sweet storyline, and one that leads us to the ultimate reveal when the girls look through Mr. de la Verne's old Oxford yearbooks (do they have yearbooks in college?) and discover that the man posing as upper-class Alex Upgrove is a fake! Just as they glean this bit of information, the girls see a face at the window--It's faux Alex! (Fauxlix?) The girls soon get the rest of the story--Fauxlix and Nancy's car thief stalker are in cahoots and have been "haunting" the boat by playing music and making strange noises to detract from their own search for a long-lost treasure.
BRIEF ASIDE: Do you think all the treasures have been found at this point in time? Probably. It makes me sad to think of all these criminals stooping to boring-old armed robbery because there are no more vague leads to long-lost treasures.
Anyway, the action ties up with Nancy, Ned and the gang tracking down Fauxlix trying to escape with the treasure using the famous New Orleans Mardis Gras parade as a cover (why he didn't just blow out of town I don't fully understand but whatever).
They tell Donna Mae the truth about her good-for-nothing fiancee and she quickly pales, realizing she gave up a great man (Charles Bartlome) for nothing and has also been a spoiled, ridiculous douchebag. Undeservedly, she starts seeing Charles again and they soon announce their re-engagement. Bess and George are happy to have their cousin back and not the insufferable chore of a girl we've been dealing with for the entire book, but I kind of wish she would end up alone. Am I becoming less of a romantic?
Well, my newfound apathy regarding happy endings for complete a-holes aside, this was really a great mystery. Note I said mystery. I can't praise the book as whole because of the really cringe-worthy representation. And while William Shatner might scoff at this, I cannot in good faith review these books without pointing out the elements that could legitimately would kids. If I can't say that these things are wrong, what the hell am I doing reviewing these children's books? Other than having a ball swearing about them, that is?
This one would ABSOLUTELY get 5/5 mags but I take away a full mag and a half for racism, add a bonus half mag for it being hands down the best actual mystery in the bunch, and thus it is 4 out of 5 mags.
Less-than-quaint racisms: Um, yikes. Lots.
Head injuries: 0 (14 total)
New Cars: like a million...probably 5
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Book # 34: The Hidden Window Mystery (Original Edition)
This thriller starts with an intriguing and original mystery. A blundering local postman, who has been working the neighborhood "forever" is accused by a nasty neighbor of losing or perhaps stealing an important (and perhaps mysterious letter).
Where do I start with this innovative plot? A postman accused! A mysterious letter! It's....wait. Wait just a minute.
It's the exact beginning plot of Nancy's Mysterious Letter. And what the hell happened to Ira Dixon? I know he was set to retire, but this Mr. Ritter has allegedly been there "forever." What the hell?
Well, fear not, chums. This isn't the only mystery. In fact, there seem to be about one gazillion packed into 200 pages.
Mystery #1: The Strange Case of the Derivative Storyline
First, the postman is accused of stealing a hundred dollar bill that was supposedly mailed to Mrs. Dondo, a gossipy new neighbor who claims her brother, Alonzo Rugby (VILLAIN!), sent her the cash in the mail. Who sends cash in the mail? First mistake. Also, Mrs. Dondo is what Eric Cartman would refer to as a "Super King Kamehameha Beeyotch." She proceeds to run around the neighborhood spreading rumors about Nancy (for a while insinuating she took the money) and generally assassinating the character of poor Ira Dix--er, Mr. Ritter.
Look out, Mrs. Dondo. Nancy Drew does not take kindly to those who mess with local postmen, apparently.
Mystery #2: The Hidden Window Mystery
In what seems to be a total diversion from this initial crisis, Nancy reads about an English man's plea to find an old stained glass window featuring a knight with a peacock symbol. A thin lead causes Nancy to arrange a trip to Charlottesville, VA to meet with an artist who specializes in stained glass windows. In a remarkable (yet I will not remark on it) coincidence, Nancy's cousin Susan Carr lives there with her husband. The girls arrange to stay with the Carrs and head off.
In an idiotic move, the villains (who Nancy doesn't even know about at this point) send our girl detective a fake telegram from Cousin Sue saying that they are not welcome any more and should not travel to Charlottesville. Of course, this only piques Nancy's interest, and she, Bess and George arrange for a hotel with their endless supply of travel money.
Mystery #3: The Mystery of the Masked Man
The girls have only just arrived in Charlottesville when they hear a news report on the radio that announces a bad car accident. The report lists none other than Susan Carr as a victim of the accident! The news report then goes on to describe Cousin Sue's vehicle, make and model and announce which hospital she was taken to. Good going, news. I would SO want you on the case if I was in a car accident that was clearly not accidental. Why don't you let us in on some good local knife sales and give us the room number too? Morons. Anyway, Nancy and co. dash to the local hospital, where they discover that Susan was run off the road by a man in a mask. When the girls question her about the strangely brusque telegram, Susan says she has no idea what they are talking about.
Way to jump the gun, villains.
Mystery #4: The Screaming Peacocks of Cumberland Manor
When Susan and the girls head back to the Carr estate, Susan's husband Cliff announces that he has yet another mystery for the girls to solve. I must point out that even George rolls her eyes at this point and says: "Not another one!" I feel that, George. But buckle up. There are more mysteries ahead.
Anyhoo, this neighborhood case involves some mysterious circumstances surrounding Cumberland Manor, which an older man named Mr. Honsho bought a few years back. Since the man moved in, he has refused to open the grounds of his estate for the famed annual garden show. In fact, he put a high wall around the property and doesn't want to chat with any of his neighbors. Not to mention the fact that strange screeching noises come from the house every night.
Okay, first of all (I've said it before and I'll say it again)...first world problems. He won't open his house for a garden show? Boo-frikkin'-hoo. The Carrs seem nice, but they're starting to sound a lot like the 1%. Also, this Mr. Honsho sounds like my kind of guy. Likes his privacy? Check. Refuses to engage in inane chatting? Check. Strange noises coming from the house at night? Well, check but don't get too excited. I just have a really loud laugh and the nighttime is when I watch Brooklyn 99.
Despite the ridiculousness that is this "mystery," Nancy accepts. When she and the girls try to visit, they are turned away by a young cowboy-looking groundskeeper (A cowboy? In Charlottesville?). They wander down the road a bit farther and see a beautiful but creepy looking estate bordering the Cumberland property called "Ivy Hall." Could it be another mystery? Confusingly, yes.
Back to Mystery #2: The Hidden Window Mystery
Nancy tracks down the stained glass window artist, Mr. Bradshaw and worms her way into taking lessons from him so that she can scope out his studio. Unsurprisingly, Nancy is a natural at stained glass window making. And why not? She certainly picked up Pennsylvania Dutch pretty fast.
Nancy sees from a magazine clipping that Mr. Bradshaw has also read about the reward and search for the hidden window--could he be the one trying to keep her off the case?
Eh, I don't know, guys. He doesn't have a very interesting name. And he's not described as wiry, shrewd, dark or piercing. Something doesn't add up...
Oh, wait, his assistant is Alonzo Rugby, the "dark," "small eyed" and strangely named brother of King Kamehameha Beeyotch Mrs. Dondo. Suddenly it all makes sense. You know, these books make me wonder how much the police are taking tips in racial profiling from Nancy Drew... Anyhoo. For a while, Nancy is able to pick up clues and ward off Rugby, but eventually Mr. Bradshaw accuses her of snooping (justifiably) and she is asked to leave the studio.
This apparently causes a problem for the Carrs, who are now losing dinner party guests as the Bradshaws have shunned them. More first-world problems.
Mystery #5: The Clue in Ivy Hall
A friend of the Carr's, Sheila Patterson (and her daughter Annette) corner Nancy at the Carr's dinner party. They have another mystery for the girls to solve. At this point, I become concerned that George's eyes will roll right out of her head. Mrs. Patterson, an actress, recently purchased the creepy-looking Ivy Hall but is now afraid that it is...HAUNTED!
Sheila just doesn't know what to do! If she sells the estate, she may not get a good price and might not even be able to (gulp) keep her servants. Oh no!
Another thing--not only have the Pattersons been hearing strange noises from their house, but they have also heard the odd shrieking. One night, Sheila saw a peacock wandering around the Ivy Hall grounds and is certain that it's a bad omen (apparently there is an actual theater superstition about peacock feathers and disasters on the set).
After several stakeouts of Ivy Hall and an ingenious scheme to smoke out the ne'er-do-well, Nancy figured out that Luke, the cowboy-looking groundskeeper from Cumberland Manor is behind the "haunting." A poor ranch hand, Luke read about the hidden window in the same magazine and thought that it might be in Ivy Hall due to the estate's rich history. At first, the creepy sounds he made were accidental--just banging around in the attic and walls--but then he realized that if the ladies thought the house was haunted he could have free reign to look around. In the end, Luke made some mistakes but isn't our real bad guy. Annette, Sheila's daughter even pities him enough to let him take her out on a date. Bess warns her that "pity is akin to love" and that she'd better watch out. Truer words have never been spoken, Bess.
Of course, Luke was right about the location of the hidden window...
Mysteries #1-5 Conclusion
In a fairly quick wrap-up, Nancy and the gang locate the hidden window just in time to expose Alonzo Rugby, who, along with his King Kamehameha Beeyotch of a sister Mrs. Dondo, was already trying to sell a cheap copy of the stained-glass masterpiece to its seeker. Nancy exposes him, reveals the real hidden window and saves the day...
...and I have whiplash from the sheer volume of mysteries. I really did like parts of this (especially the Ivy Hall plotline) but I felt the whole story was just too diffuse.
Mags: 3 out of 5
Number of times I hate rich people: [tugs collar nervously]
Where do I start with this innovative plot? A postman accused! A mysterious letter! It's....wait. Wait just a minute.
It's the exact beginning plot of Nancy's Mysterious Letter. And what the hell happened to Ira Dixon? I know he was set to retire, but this Mr. Ritter has allegedly been there "forever." What the hell?
Well, fear not, chums. This isn't the only mystery. In fact, there seem to be about one gazillion packed into 200 pages.
Mystery #1: The Strange Case of the Derivative Storyline
First, the postman is accused of stealing a hundred dollar bill that was supposedly mailed to Mrs. Dondo, a gossipy new neighbor who claims her brother, Alonzo Rugby (VILLAIN!), sent her the cash in the mail. Who sends cash in the mail? First mistake. Also, Mrs. Dondo is what Eric Cartman would refer to as a "Super King Kamehameha Beeyotch." She proceeds to run around the neighborhood spreading rumors about Nancy (for a while insinuating she took the money) and generally assassinating the character of poor Ira Dix--er, Mr. Ritter.
Look out, Mrs. Dondo. Nancy Drew does not take kindly to those who mess with local postmen, apparently.
Mystery #2: The Hidden Window Mystery
In what seems to be a total diversion from this initial crisis, Nancy reads about an English man's plea to find an old stained glass window featuring a knight with a peacock symbol. A thin lead causes Nancy to arrange a trip to Charlottesville, VA to meet with an artist who specializes in stained glass windows. In a remarkable (yet I will not remark on it) coincidence, Nancy's cousin Susan Carr lives there with her husband. The girls arrange to stay with the Carrs and head off.
In an idiotic move, the villains (who Nancy doesn't even know about at this point) send our girl detective a fake telegram from Cousin Sue saying that they are not welcome any more and should not travel to Charlottesville. Of course, this only piques Nancy's interest, and she, Bess and George arrange for a hotel with their endless supply of travel money.
Mystery #3: The Mystery of the Masked Man
The girls have only just arrived in Charlottesville when they hear a news report on the radio that announces a bad car accident. The report lists none other than Susan Carr as a victim of the accident! The news report then goes on to describe Cousin Sue's vehicle, make and model and announce which hospital she was taken to. Good going, news. I would SO want you on the case if I was in a car accident that was clearly not accidental. Why don't you let us in on some good local knife sales and give us the room number too? Morons. Anyway, Nancy and co. dash to the local hospital, where they discover that Susan was run off the road by a man in a mask. When the girls question her about the strangely brusque telegram, Susan says she has no idea what they are talking about.
Way to jump the gun, villains.
Mystery #4: The Screaming Peacocks of Cumberland Manor
When Susan and the girls head back to the Carr estate, Susan's husband Cliff announces that he has yet another mystery for the girls to solve. I must point out that even George rolls her eyes at this point and says: "Not another one!" I feel that, George. But buckle up. There are more mysteries ahead.
Anyhoo, this neighborhood case involves some mysterious circumstances surrounding Cumberland Manor, which an older man named Mr. Honsho bought a few years back. Since the man moved in, he has refused to open the grounds of his estate for the famed annual garden show. In fact, he put a high wall around the property and doesn't want to chat with any of his neighbors. Not to mention the fact that strange screeching noises come from the house every night.
Okay, first of all (I've said it before and I'll say it again)...first world problems. He won't open his house for a garden show? Boo-frikkin'-hoo. The Carrs seem nice, but they're starting to sound a lot like the 1%. Also, this Mr. Honsho sounds like my kind of guy. Likes his privacy? Check. Refuses to engage in inane chatting? Check. Strange noises coming from the house at night? Well, check but don't get too excited. I just have a really loud laugh and the nighttime is when I watch Brooklyn 99.
Despite the ridiculousness that is this "mystery," Nancy accepts. When she and the girls try to visit, they are turned away by a young cowboy-looking groundskeeper (A cowboy? In Charlottesville?). They wander down the road a bit farther and see a beautiful but creepy looking estate bordering the Cumberland property called "Ivy Hall." Could it be another mystery? Confusingly, yes.
Back to Mystery #2: The Hidden Window Mystery
Nancy tracks down the stained glass window artist, Mr. Bradshaw and worms her way into taking lessons from him so that she can scope out his studio. Unsurprisingly, Nancy is a natural at stained glass window making. And why not? She certainly picked up Pennsylvania Dutch pretty fast.
Nancy sees from a magazine clipping that Mr. Bradshaw has also read about the reward and search for the hidden window--could he be the one trying to keep her off the case?
Eh, I don't know, guys. He doesn't have a very interesting name. And he's not described as wiry, shrewd, dark or piercing. Something doesn't add up...
Oh, wait, his assistant is Alonzo Rugby, the "dark," "small eyed" and strangely named brother of King Kamehameha Beeyotch Mrs. Dondo. Suddenly it all makes sense. You know, these books make me wonder how much the police are taking tips in racial profiling from Nancy Drew... Anyhoo. For a while, Nancy is able to pick up clues and ward off Rugby, but eventually Mr. Bradshaw accuses her of snooping (justifiably) and she is asked to leave the studio.
This apparently causes a problem for the Carrs, who are now losing dinner party guests as the Bradshaws have shunned them. More first-world problems.
Mystery #5: The Clue in Ivy Hall
A friend of the Carr's, Sheila Patterson (and her daughter Annette) corner Nancy at the Carr's dinner party. They have another mystery for the girls to solve. At this point, I become concerned that George's eyes will roll right out of her head. Mrs. Patterson, an actress, recently purchased the creepy-looking Ivy Hall but is now afraid that it is...HAUNTED!
Sheila just doesn't know what to do! If she sells the estate, she may not get a good price and might not even be able to (gulp) keep her servants. Oh no!
Another thing--not only have the Pattersons been hearing strange noises from their house, but they have also heard the odd shrieking. One night, Sheila saw a peacock wandering around the Ivy Hall grounds and is certain that it's a bad omen (apparently there is an actual theater superstition about peacock feathers and disasters on the set).
After several stakeouts of Ivy Hall and an ingenious scheme to smoke out the ne'er-do-well, Nancy figured out that Luke, the cowboy-looking groundskeeper from Cumberland Manor is behind the "haunting." A poor ranch hand, Luke read about the hidden window in the same magazine and thought that it might be in Ivy Hall due to the estate's rich history. At first, the creepy sounds he made were accidental--just banging around in the attic and walls--but then he realized that if the ladies thought the house was haunted he could have free reign to look around. In the end, Luke made some mistakes but isn't our real bad guy. Annette, Sheila's daughter even pities him enough to let him take her out on a date. Bess warns her that "pity is akin to love" and that she'd better watch out. Truer words have never been spoken, Bess.
Of course, Luke was right about the location of the hidden window...
Mysteries #1-5 Conclusion
In a fairly quick wrap-up, Nancy and the gang locate the hidden window just in time to expose Alonzo Rugby, who, along with his King Kamehameha Beeyotch of a sister Mrs. Dondo, was already trying to sell a cheap copy of the stained-glass masterpiece to its seeker. Nancy exposes him, reveals the real hidden window and saves the day...
...and I have whiplash from the sheer volume of mysteries. I really did like parts of this (especially the Ivy Hall plotline) but I felt the whole story was just too diffuse.
Mags: 3 out of 5
Number of times I hate rich people: [tugs collar nervously]
Monday, April 14, 2014
Book #33: The Witch Tree Symbol (Revised Edition)
Is Nancy Drew really a witch?
The answer, of course, is no. She's clearly an android, as evidenced by my earlier posts. But apparently the entire Amish community is convinced that Nancy's detective skills are actually some kind of witchcraft.
Let me back up. While the tale itself gets more exciting, we start off with the thinnest of premises and the world's most boring mystery. A new neighbor of the Drews', Mrs. Tenney, asks Nancy to accompany her to her late aunt's house to retrieve some of the better antiques as part of her inheritance. When they get there, however, all the best antiques are gone!
duh, Duh, DUUUHHHH!
What follows is a scene in which Nancy is, as per usual, far too polite, so I will edit it for your reading pleasure:
MRS. TENNEY: (weeping) All the valuable antiques are gone! Some shady antique dealer told me they were worth a fortune and now they're gone! Gooooooooooonnee! Heer-heer-heer!
NANCY: Well, it sounds like that aforementioned shady antique dealer may have had something to do with it.
MRS. TENNEY: No, no! It's my chubby cousin, Alpha Zinn! He and I don't get along at all!
NANCY: Um, you guys having a personality difference and his chubbiness aren't exactly strong evidence that he's responsible. Although his name definitely makes him seem a little guilty.
[noise heard upstairs]
MRS. TENNEY: What was that?! (faints dead away).
NANCY: (rolls eyes and smacks Mrs. Tenney across the face) Wake up, woman, wake up!
MRS. TENNEY: (weeping again) Take me hooooommme, heer-heer-heer!
NANCY: (slaps woman again) Bitch, please! I'll take your boring-ass mystery if you promise to shut up.
...is how that scene should have gone. And it's my recap, so I'm saying that's how it went down. Nancy, Bess and George head out to Amish Country to track down Alpha Zinn (apparently he's Amish) and perhaps locate the shady antiques dealer, Roger Hoelt. On their way, they come across a young Amish girl named Manda Kreutz, who has run away from home because her traditional father won't let her read or learn things. Yikes. Sounds like someone needs a good Rumspringa (Rumspringa, woo-hoo! Show a little knee, listen to music composed after 1643, RUMSPRINGA!). Or she might need a good social worker.
In any event, Nancy attempts to patch things up between Manda and her family, who are very welcoming, even though they are definitely taken aback by Nancy's amateur sleuthing and George being...well, George. Bess, unsurprisingly, fits right in as she's a solid girl who can put away a seven-course meal. The Kreutz's point out that in Amish Country they "like a little flesh on their maidens." Go, Bess.
Unfortunately, the villains start in on Nancy right away, spreading rumors that she is a witch. The Kreutzes give the girls the boot (but good!) and they are forced to go into town.
At this point, I must point out that Nancy can somehow speak Pennsylvania Dutch. But not Centrovian? I call bullshit.
Anyhoo, they find a family in town, The Glicks, that aren't nearly as superstitious (apparently, there are the House Amish and Church Amish and the latter lives a slightly more modern lifestyle while keeping the self-sustaining belief system). The Glick family is one of the only things keeping this story from being too much like Ivory Charm, Old Album, etc. While it does paint the Pennsylvania Dutch in a fairly static light, there are enough characters that break the mold and it doesn't really strike me as offensive. But, then again, I'm not Amish so what the hell do I know? The Glicks take in boarders because the father had been partially disabled by a farming accident and was now what Mrs. Glick calls "a Schumacher"
Ugh, like Joel Shumacher? Shoot a little higher, Papa Glick.
Oh, wait..it's probably shoemaker.
The story progresses fairly slowly, but there are still a lot of points in its favor. While the antiques mystery is pretty boring, and the wonderfully-named-yet-not-villainous Alpha Zinn is cleared quickly, the "Nancy is a witch" subplot makes up for it. When Ned, Burt and Dave come out to visit (seemingly on their way to yet another camp counselor job), the local youths see Nancy and Ned get into an accident and claim that Nancy must be a witch because they saw her "fly" out of a carriage. Instead of railing on them for being idiots, as I would have done, Ned calmly tells them the facts, and many of the townspeople start to change their tune. Ever loyal are their host family, the Glicks. Even when the young Glick children are told by friends that Nancy is a witch, they soon see reason when their mother explains the danger of "magical thinking" and encourages them to see what is right in front of them.
I must point out as well that Ned furthers his excessive hint-dropping about marriage when he asks Nancy if they could get a closed-top buggy (only for married couples) when they visited Amish Country in the not-too-distant future. Nancy, of course, totally ignores him.
The villains in this story are also far more organized and effective than usual. There are only two villains, Mr. and Mrs. Hoelt (because the family that steals together stays together), but they are truly unrelenting when it comes from keeping Nancy from discovering them. They hire Manda Kreutz, the runaway, but keep her so close to home that Nancy is never able to find her. They spread rumors around town that Nancy is a witch to ensure that she will not be able to easily question people or get help. They plant some of the stolen merchandise in her car so that she comes off like a thief, a witch, AND a liar. They then steal her car, making it impossible for her to get around. I had to admit, I was impressed by how efficiently Roger Hoelt was able to prevent Nancy from solving the mystery. If she and the girls hadn't spotted a tree with the titular "witch tree" hex symbol, and found the old Hoelt farm and Manda, they might have gotten away scot free.
However, as per usual, Nancy prevails. She reunites Manda and her family (yay!) and gets back all the stolen antiques (meh). I really did like this one save for a few things: the ending was far too abrupt given the buildup, the mystery itself didn't have particularly high stakes (Mrs. Tenney is an annoying old hag, and no one cares if she gets "all the best of her aunt's antiques" back. First world problems, man), and the action dragged in parts.
I give this one a 4/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 1 (14 total)
The answer, of course, is no. She's clearly an android, as evidenced by my earlier posts. But apparently the entire Amish community is convinced that Nancy's detective skills are actually some kind of witchcraft.
Let me back up. While the tale itself gets more exciting, we start off with the thinnest of premises and the world's most boring mystery. A new neighbor of the Drews', Mrs. Tenney, asks Nancy to accompany her to her late aunt's house to retrieve some of the better antiques as part of her inheritance. When they get there, however, all the best antiques are gone!
duh, Duh, DUUUHHHH!
What follows is a scene in which Nancy is, as per usual, far too polite, so I will edit it for your reading pleasure:
MRS. TENNEY: (weeping) All the valuable antiques are gone! Some shady antique dealer told me they were worth a fortune and now they're gone! Gooooooooooonnee! Heer-heer-heer!
NANCY: Well, it sounds like that aforementioned shady antique dealer may have had something to do with it.
MRS. TENNEY: No, no! It's my chubby cousin, Alpha Zinn! He and I don't get along at all!
NANCY: Um, you guys having a personality difference and his chubbiness aren't exactly strong evidence that he's responsible. Although his name definitely makes him seem a little guilty.
[noise heard upstairs]
MRS. TENNEY: What was that?! (faints dead away).
NANCY: (rolls eyes and smacks Mrs. Tenney across the face) Wake up, woman, wake up!
MRS. TENNEY: (weeping again) Take me hooooommme, heer-heer-heer!
NANCY: (slaps woman again) Bitch, please! I'll take your boring-ass mystery if you promise to shut up.
...is how that scene should have gone. And it's my recap, so I'm saying that's how it went down. Nancy, Bess and George head out to Amish Country to track down Alpha Zinn (apparently he's Amish) and perhaps locate the shady antiques dealer, Roger Hoelt. On their way, they come across a young Amish girl named Manda Kreutz, who has run away from home because her traditional father won't let her read or learn things. Yikes. Sounds like someone needs a good Rumspringa (Rumspringa, woo-hoo! Show a little knee, listen to music composed after 1643, RUMSPRINGA!). Or she might need a good social worker.
In any event, Nancy attempts to patch things up between Manda and her family, who are very welcoming, even though they are definitely taken aback by Nancy's amateur sleuthing and George being...well, George. Bess, unsurprisingly, fits right in as she's a solid girl who can put away a seven-course meal. The Kreutz's point out that in Amish Country they "like a little flesh on their maidens." Go, Bess.
Unfortunately, the villains start in on Nancy right away, spreading rumors that she is a witch. The Kreutzes give the girls the boot (but good!) and they are forced to go into town.
At this point, I must point out that Nancy can somehow speak Pennsylvania Dutch. But not Centrovian? I call bullshit.
Anyhoo, they find a family in town, The Glicks, that aren't nearly as superstitious (apparently, there are the House Amish and Church Amish and the latter lives a slightly more modern lifestyle while keeping the self-sustaining belief system). The Glick family is one of the only things keeping this story from being too much like Ivory Charm, Old Album, etc. While it does paint the Pennsylvania Dutch in a fairly static light, there are enough characters that break the mold and it doesn't really strike me as offensive. But, then again, I'm not Amish so what the hell do I know? The Glicks take in boarders because the father had been partially disabled by a farming accident and was now what Mrs. Glick calls "a Schumacher"
Ugh, like Joel Shumacher? Shoot a little higher, Papa Glick.
Oh, wait..it's probably shoemaker.
The story progresses fairly slowly, but there are still a lot of points in its favor. While the antiques mystery is pretty boring, and the wonderfully-named-yet-not-villainous Alpha Zinn is cleared quickly, the "Nancy is a witch" subplot makes up for it. When Ned, Burt and Dave come out to visit (seemingly on their way to yet another camp counselor job), the local youths see Nancy and Ned get into an accident and claim that Nancy must be a witch because they saw her "fly" out of a carriage. Instead of railing on them for being idiots, as I would have done, Ned calmly tells them the facts, and many of the townspeople start to change their tune. Ever loyal are their host family, the Glicks. Even when the young Glick children are told by friends that Nancy is a witch, they soon see reason when their mother explains the danger of "magical thinking" and encourages them to see what is right in front of them.
I must point out as well that Ned furthers his excessive hint-dropping about marriage when he asks Nancy if they could get a closed-top buggy (only for married couples) when they visited Amish Country in the not-too-distant future. Nancy, of course, totally ignores him.
The villains in this story are also far more organized and effective than usual. There are only two villains, Mr. and Mrs. Hoelt (because the family that steals together stays together), but they are truly unrelenting when it comes from keeping Nancy from discovering them. They hire Manda Kreutz, the runaway, but keep her so close to home that Nancy is never able to find her. They spread rumors around town that Nancy is a witch to ensure that she will not be able to easily question people or get help. They plant some of the stolen merchandise in her car so that she comes off like a thief, a witch, AND a liar. They then steal her car, making it impossible for her to get around. I had to admit, I was impressed by how efficiently Roger Hoelt was able to prevent Nancy from solving the mystery. If she and the girls hadn't spotted a tree with the titular "witch tree" hex symbol, and found the old Hoelt farm and Manda, they might have gotten away scot free.
However, as per usual, Nancy prevails. She reunites Manda and her family (yay!) and gets back all the stolen antiques (meh). I really did like this one save for a few things: the ending was far too abrupt given the buildup, the mystery itself didn't have particularly high stakes (Mrs. Tenney is an annoying old hag, and no one cares if she gets "all the best of her aunt's antiques" back. First world problems, man), and the action dragged in parts.
I give this one a 4/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 1 (14 total)
Friday, April 4, 2014
Book #32: The Scarlet Slipper Mystery (Original Edition)
Alright, so I've come to a pretty bold conclusion: Fictional though it may be, I'm pretty sure that River Heights is a bustling metropolis the likes of San Francisco or New York City. Sure, it may seem like a small Midwestern town, but you can't deny the huge variety of locations and events in this allegedly tiny berg. Not only do they have regular theater, fashion shows, and sporting events, but it even seems to be split up into little enclaves. Instead of Chinatown, Little Italy, or India Square, there's Sailortown, Gypsy Corner, Unnamed-European-Principality Alley, and now...Little Centrovia!
Note: I looked it up just to be sure, because I've definitely been guilty of geography ignorance before, but the only references to Centrovia seem to be a car rental place on a tiny island off the coast of Portugal. While I did briefly entertain a fantasy in which citizens are fleeing an island that only wants to focus on car rentals and not ballet, this not NOT appear to be the case...
Back to Little Centrovia. Yes, that's right. Apparently, there are people all over the world who must flee from their homelands and dream of making it big in...River Heights. It's totally like that song "There's No Cats in America" from An American Tail. Could the streets be paved with cheese?
Nope, the streets are paved with crime. Which is ridiculous, considering the fact that Nancy is now of nearly international celebrity. Crooks keep thinking they can outsmart her but, being that they are incredibly stupid, it doesn't work out too well for them.
The Scarlet Slipper Mystery starts out with a near-plane crash, much to my dismay (I am deathly afraid of flying and even more deathly afraid of the constant barrage of plane-crash-porn on television these days). A soon-to-be-resident of Little Centrovia is terrified, thinking the plane will crash. Nancy, apparently blessed with precognition as well as detective skills, assures him that "just one engine is out" and that they'll be fine.
ONE ENGINE IS OUT?! @&*%%@%!!!
...is what I would be screaming in her practically-perfect face. But I digress. The plane does land safely, and she is met by Bess and George at the airport. Bess has to stop by a new dance studio in town, run by a brother and sister that have suspiciously similar accents to the Centrovian man on the plane. Could they be from the fakest-sounding country on the planet, Centrovia?!
Of course they are. And so is everyone who ever danced in River Heights. Maybe this whole country is like that town from Footloose (man, I sure make a lot of references to Footloose for someone who has never seen the movie...) and they know that River Heights has the best dances this side of the Muskoka.
Anyway, the brother and sister, named Henri and Helene Fontaine, are in trouble. Someone has been telling them they must leave town or they will be harmed. Nancy comes up with an elaborate scheme to pretend they've left town when they have really doubled back to stay at the Drews. Since every criminal on earth has her address at this point, however, they have to relocate Henri and Helene to the Nickerson's summer cabin.
Meanwhile, Nancy dives into a mystery that takes many twists and turns, all while trying to run the dance studio in Helene's absence. Several shady people try and bust in and force Nancy to reveal the Fontaines' location, but she refuses, which eventually gets her shoved down a flight of stairs. Ouch!
There's also a subplot with the initial man on the plane, Mr. Koff, and his daughter Millie, but to be perfectly frank, it isn't all-too crucial to the summary so I'll move on.
...Except to say that, even with made-up nationalities, the Nancy Drew books seem to find a way to boil them down to a mass generalization. Throughout the book, the Centrovians are described as "an overly excitable people" and everyone seems irritated that they don't speak English all the time.
Why don't YOU learn Centrovian, since you're basically an android, Nancy. Shiiiiiiiiitttt.
The mystery deepens when Nancy realizes that a pair of scarlet ballet slippers that belong to Helene, as well as a series of portraits Henri did of her dancing, may hold a secret. Unfortunately, the overly-excitable and loud Centrovian criminals keep stealing the things Nancy wants to check out. Bummer. Finally, she finds an untouched portrait and discovers diamonds hidden right in the strokes of the oil paint!
Of course, this discovery leads the crooks to up their game. They kidnap Henri and Helene. Not to be outdone, Nancy trails one of the criminals (an white lady in the gang named Mrs. Judson)--in fact, the same criminal who unceremoniously pushed Nancy down a flight of stairs--and deftly corners her at a train station. It's actually kind of an awesome reveal, with the shifty Mrs. Judson trying to sneak past and Nancy stepping out of the shadows all creepy, like: "Oh. Hello, Mrs. Judson." I've said it before and I'll say it again: do NOT mess with Nancy.
After Nancy finds out that the art dealer that bought some of Henri's paintings might be involved (a man named Mr. Renee), she drags Ned to a farmhouse where he may be staying. An old hearing-impaired man answers the door, but Nancy's finely-tuned observational eye doesn't miss the fact that the man stood up straight and reacted when he heard a dog bark. Sure enough, the couple sees the old man come out of the back door of the farmhouse, having removed the old-man disguise--this younger man is actually Tomas Renee!
Renee tries to convince them that the Fontaines are actually the criminals, but Nancy sees through his ruse. She and Ned split up to search the farmhouse. However, Renee quickly swoops in and abducts Nancy, stealing Ned's car and leaving her bound and gagged in the back seat with the windows rolled up (douche!). What ensues is a scene that almost makes me want to jump into River Heights: Criminal Suspicions mode. The officers make a few thinly-veiled comments about Renee having "disposed" Nancy somewhere and Ned starts to totally freak out, thinking that they are about to find Nancy's lifeless corpse in his car.
She's fine, of course, but poor Ned nearly has a heart attack. Meanwhile, Helene and Henri arrive, having managed to escape some hidden area in a nearby second farmhouse...
Um, what?
Yeah, this whole plot point didn't make much sense to me unless Henri and Helene were actually involved in the crime. Was there some kind of sign that said: "You are now leaving Kidnapping Location #1; this way to Kidnapping Location #2. P.S. That's where Nancy is"?
Mistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
In addition, when Nancy and the gang investigate the farmhouse again with a police escort, they keep smelling kerosene but don't seem to think they should do anything about it. Literally, Nancy smells the kerosene, wonders why the police officer would have kerosene, and shrugs it off. Of course, it is not the officer, but the gang of crooks trying to set fire to the house. And I don't buy it. Nancy would have never overlooked that or failed to investigate. Second Miiiiistaaaaaaake!
Nancy and the gang manage to escape the fire and climb their way out of these massive plot holes, however, and the criminals are overtaken. The story then redeems itself from it's climax-missteps by taking their time with a scene that explains the whole origin of the mystery, from back in Centrovia all the way to River Heights. Apparently, members of a freedom-loving underground faction of Centrovia (including Mr. Koff, Henri and Helene) were forced to flee their homeland. However, a set of shady brothers (Renee and the man known as Mr. Judson) try to capitalize on this revolution by smuggling jewels in the paintings they know are on their way to America. At some point, the Judsons (the French-Centrovian man who has been popping up everywhere and his loud, American wife) betray Renee and try to shift the blame for said betrayal onto Helene and Henri by forcing them to leave town, which makes them seem very guilty. Renee himself took to working with the brother of Mrs. Judson, named Red Buzby (VILLAIN!). Both were working so frenetically to outdo each other and get rid of the Fontaines while getting the jewels for themselves, that they ended up getting sloppy and getting caught.
In the end, the scarlet slippers are returned to Helene and she and her brother are able to re-open their dance studio in Little Centrovia. Awwwwwww.
I give this one a lot of crap but it was actually quite good. I'm taking off a mag for the ludicrous plot holes near the end and for the stereotyping. I'm giving this one 4/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 0 (13 total)
River Heights Cultural Enclaves: At least 4, right? Or possibly four thousand?
Note: I looked it up just to be sure, because I've definitely been guilty of geography ignorance before, but the only references to Centrovia seem to be a car rental place on a tiny island off the coast of Portugal. While I did briefly entertain a fantasy in which citizens are fleeing an island that only wants to focus on car rentals and not ballet, this not NOT appear to be the case...
Back to Little Centrovia. Yes, that's right. Apparently, there are people all over the world who must flee from their homelands and dream of making it big in...River Heights. It's totally like that song "There's No Cats in America" from An American Tail. Could the streets be paved with cheese?
Nope, the streets are paved with crime. Which is ridiculous, considering the fact that Nancy is now of nearly international celebrity. Crooks keep thinking they can outsmart her but, being that they are incredibly stupid, it doesn't work out too well for them.
The Scarlet Slipper Mystery starts out with a near-plane crash, much to my dismay (I am deathly afraid of flying and even more deathly afraid of the constant barrage of plane-crash-porn on television these days). A soon-to-be-resident of Little Centrovia is terrified, thinking the plane will crash. Nancy, apparently blessed with precognition as well as detective skills, assures him that "just one engine is out" and that they'll be fine.
ONE ENGINE IS OUT?! @&*%%@%!!!
...is what I would be screaming in her practically-perfect face. But I digress. The plane does land safely, and she is met by Bess and George at the airport. Bess has to stop by a new dance studio in town, run by a brother and sister that have suspiciously similar accents to the Centrovian man on the plane. Could they be from the fakest-sounding country on the planet, Centrovia?!
Of course they are. And so is everyone who ever danced in River Heights. Maybe this whole country is like that town from Footloose (man, I sure make a lot of references to Footloose for someone who has never seen the movie...) and they know that River Heights has the best dances this side of the Muskoka.
Anyway, the brother and sister, named Henri and Helene Fontaine, are in trouble. Someone has been telling them they must leave town or they will be harmed. Nancy comes up with an elaborate scheme to pretend they've left town when they have really doubled back to stay at the Drews. Since every criminal on earth has her address at this point, however, they have to relocate Henri and Helene to the Nickerson's summer cabin.
Meanwhile, Nancy dives into a mystery that takes many twists and turns, all while trying to run the dance studio in Helene's absence. Several shady people try and bust in and force Nancy to reveal the Fontaines' location, but she refuses, which eventually gets her shoved down a flight of stairs. Ouch!
There's also a subplot with the initial man on the plane, Mr. Koff, and his daughter Millie, but to be perfectly frank, it isn't all-too crucial to the summary so I'll move on.
...Except to say that, even with made-up nationalities, the Nancy Drew books seem to find a way to boil them down to a mass generalization. Throughout the book, the Centrovians are described as "an overly excitable people" and everyone seems irritated that they don't speak English all the time.
Why don't YOU learn Centrovian, since you're basically an android, Nancy. Shiiiiiiiiitttt.
The mystery deepens when Nancy realizes that a pair of scarlet ballet slippers that belong to Helene, as well as a series of portraits Henri did of her dancing, may hold a secret. Unfortunately, the overly-excitable and loud Centrovian criminals keep stealing the things Nancy wants to check out. Bummer. Finally, she finds an untouched portrait and discovers diamonds hidden right in the strokes of the oil paint!
Of course, this discovery leads the crooks to up their game. They kidnap Henri and Helene. Not to be outdone, Nancy trails one of the criminals (an white lady in the gang named Mrs. Judson)--in fact, the same criminal who unceremoniously pushed Nancy down a flight of stairs--and deftly corners her at a train station. It's actually kind of an awesome reveal, with the shifty Mrs. Judson trying to sneak past and Nancy stepping out of the shadows all creepy, like: "Oh. Hello, Mrs. Judson." I've said it before and I'll say it again: do NOT mess with Nancy.
After Nancy finds out that the art dealer that bought some of Henri's paintings might be involved (a man named Mr. Renee), she drags Ned to a farmhouse where he may be staying. An old hearing-impaired man answers the door, but Nancy's finely-tuned observational eye doesn't miss the fact that the man stood up straight and reacted when he heard a dog bark. Sure enough, the couple sees the old man come out of the back door of the farmhouse, having removed the old-man disguise--this younger man is actually Tomas Renee!
Renee tries to convince them that the Fontaines are actually the criminals, but Nancy sees through his ruse. She and Ned split up to search the farmhouse. However, Renee quickly swoops in and abducts Nancy, stealing Ned's car and leaving her bound and gagged in the back seat with the windows rolled up (douche!). What ensues is a scene that almost makes me want to jump into River Heights: Criminal Suspicions mode. The officers make a few thinly-veiled comments about Renee having "disposed" Nancy somewhere and Ned starts to totally freak out, thinking that they are about to find Nancy's lifeless corpse in his car.
She's fine, of course, but poor Ned nearly has a heart attack. Meanwhile, Helene and Henri arrive, having managed to escape some hidden area in a nearby second farmhouse...
Um, what?
Yeah, this whole plot point didn't make much sense to me unless Henri and Helene were actually involved in the crime. Was there some kind of sign that said: "You are now leaving Kidnapping Location #1; this way to Kidnapping Location #2. P.S. That's where Nancy is"?
Mistaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
In addition, when Nancy and the gang investigate the farmhouse again with a police escort, they keep smelling kerosene but don't seem to think they should do anything about it. Literally, Nancy smells the kerosene, wonders why the police officer would have kerosene, and shrugs it off. Of course, it is not the officer, but the gang of crooks trying to set fire to the house. And I don't buy it. Nancy would have never overlooked that or failed to investigate. Second Miiiiistaaaaaaake!
Nancy and the gang manage to escape the fire and climb their way out of these massive plot holes, however, and the criminals are overtaken. The story then redeems itself from it's climax-missteps by taking their time with a scene that explains the whole origin of the mystery, from back in Centrovia all the way to River Heights. Apparently, members of a freedom-loving underground faction of Centrovia (including Mr. Koff, Henri and Helene) were forced to flee their homeland. However, a set of shady brothers (Renee and the man known as Mr. Judson) try to capitalize on this revolution by smuggling jewels in the paintings they know are on their way to America. At some point, the Judsons (the French-Centrovian man who has been popping up everywhere and his loud, American wife) betray Renee and try to shift the blame for said betrayal onto Helene and Henri by forcing them to leave town, which makes them seem very guilty. Renee himself took to working with the brother of Mrs. Judson, named Red Buzby (VILLAIN!). Both were working so frenetically to outdo each other and get rid of the Fontaines while getting the jewels for themselves, that they ended up getting sloppy and getting caught.
In the end, the scarlet slippers are returned to Helene and she and her brother are able to re-open their dance studio in Little Centrovia. Awwwwwww.
I give this one a lot of crap but it was actually quite good. I'm taking off a mag for the ludicrous plot holes near the end and for the stereotyping. I'm giving this one 4/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 0 (13 total)
River Heights Cultural Enclaves: At least 4, right? Or possibly four thousand?
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