[clang clang!]
Hannah Gruen: Nancy, I called on you as soon as I heard! There's a phantom tapper in old Miss Carter's house. He seems to only tap at night--the strangest patterns you've ever heard...
Carson Drew: I'm sorry, a phantom peeper?
Hannah: No, tapper. You know, someone who wears tap shoes and...
Carson: Nevermind, I'm already bored. Later, suckers.
Nancy Drew: I'm intrigued, Hannah. Let me call Bess and George and we'll find the culprit. NOBODY taps on my watch!
[clang clang!]
Miss Carter: Oh, girls, I'm so happy you came to help me find this mysterious tapper. And I have one more mystery for you. Several of my prize-winning Persian cats have been stolen.
George Fayne: You know, judging from our past mysteries, the cat thief and the tapper are probably connected...
Bess Marvin: Nobody likes a spoiler, George.
Nancy: I agree. Let's come up with a profile, and speak one at a time in a circle as if we've rehearsed who says each line beforehand.
George: Got it. So, judging from the patterns of the tapping, I think we're looking for a highly intelligent unsub. The tapping might even be a code he's challenging us to break.
Bess: He gets off on the thrill that he might get caught--I think we're looking for a younger man--late teens to early 30's.
Nancy: He targets older ladies with twelve or more cats. I think we're looking for a perp with a history of sexual deviance and mental instability.
George: [shakes head]: Sick bastard...
Nancy: What we really need is to decode his messages. With the spaces and long-and-short patterns, I'm thinking Morse Code.
Bess: But surely Morse Code isn't among your already android-like abilities...
Nancy: Morse Code is part of my program--er, I mean I do know it. Listening to the miscreant tapper now, I would say he's tapping the code..."Try and catch me!"
George: Um, since he's tapping now, and he's in the house we're in...shouldn't we, you know, just go through all the rooms and catch him?
Bess: Shut up, George. Eat a sandwich.
Nancy: Bess is right. We're only 50 pages into this mystery. I think our objective should be to listen and rush to the source of the tapping only after the man has escaped.
Bess: Makes sense.
George: So what do we do?
Nancy: We wait.
[clang clang!]
Ned Nickerson: So, Nancy, let me get this straight. You're sleeping on a cot in the garage of a woman who has both cat thieves and phantom tappers invading every night?
Nancy: That's right. We even found a secret room with a diary. It would seem that the tapper's name is Gus Woonton, a problem-child all grown up.
Ned: Heh. Problem Child was a great movie.
Nancy [sharply]: Ned, that movie won't be out for another 20 years. Focus!
Ned: Okay. Well, it seems like if this guy is hiding out in a secret room that you've already found you'll probably be able to catch him fast.
Nancy: Not too fast, though. I still have a catnapping subplot and an angry neighbor to deal with.
Ned: Angry neighbor?
Nancy [dismissively]: Yeah, some guy named Bunce. I'm sure he has something to do with all of this, but I can't think about that until the last 15 pages.
Ned [under his breath]: Time to pull out the big guns.
[clang clang!]
Nancy: Alright, with the help of Bess, George, Ned, Burt and Dave, we finally caught the tapper!
The Tapper: You're way too smart to be a girl.
Bess: Uh, Hell-O tapper. Wake up and smell the women's liberation. Woman are equal to men, sir!
The Tapper: Um, men don't admit that until [date unknown].
George: Either way, we got ya suckaaaahhh!
The Tapper: That's true. But BTW, I didn't steal those cats or do any of that other stuff. Just the tapping.
Nancy [again, dismissively]: Yeah, it was that angry neighbor, Bunce. We're on top of it, tapper. Now all you need to worry about is what color jumpsuit you'll be wearing in prison.
The Tapper: You haven't heard the last of me, Nancy Drew!
[clang clang!]
Nancy sits alone at her desk. Ominous music is heard.
Chief McGuinness [with serious face]: Nancy...
Nancy [looking concerned]: What is it, Chief?
Chief McGuinness: That tapper, Gus Woonton? He hung himself in his call last night.
Nancy [looking nauseated]: My God.
[clang clang!]
***************THE END*******************
Alright, so that's not quite how it really ends. But that's how it would end in River Heights: Criminal Suspicions.
You got the basic gist: Nancy is called in to find a mysterious tapper. There is a total a-hole of a neighbor with a funny name so we know he will be guilty somehow. There's also a long-lost love subplot that I didn't feel like really fit with River Heights: Criminal Suspicions. Miss Carter is an aging dancer and her old dance partner has been searching for her for lo this many years. Bess plays matchmaker and we get our requisite "awwwwww" moment.
This one was pretty good--not great. I give it 3 1/2 out of 5 mags.
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