Wednesday, July 25, 2018
The G&D Nancy DREW Project is COMPLETE!
Thanks, all, so much for reading. While the Nancy Drew project of the original Grosset & Dunlap series is finished, please check back for my upcoming "fave" reviews, starting with the wonderful book #85: The Secret of Shady Glen, and moving towards the most recent series books, The Nancy Drew Diaries and even the graphic novels. As my man Mickey Mouse would say: "See you REAL soon!"
Book #56: The Thirteenth Pearl
The Nancy Drew Project: Nancy Drew reviews by a pop-culture obsessed and F-bomb dropping madwoman: Book #56 The Thirteenth Pearl
TW/CW: Deals with racial stereotypes/slurs
Oh, crap. Where to start? I really wish that this wasn’t the last Nancy Drew to review in the O.G. project, because it’s gonna be bad, guys. But I guess that just means I’ll have to keep up with reviewing my favorites over the years. When I first opened this book, I was pretty sure how this review would go from the opening summary (below)…
So, yeah. Basically this whole mystery starts because a jeweler, Mr. Moto (the most sympathetic person in the book, but definitely relegated to stereotype and also fits of fainting) is robbed. A “clever” crook has stolen the titular thirteenth pearl off a rich white lady’s necklace and he’s afraid that the insurance payout will shut down his business. Unfortunately, I don’t have the strong sense that this guy will make it as a jeweler, considering that when Nancy et. al. show up, ANOTHER dude has just robbed his place while he stepped into the back, leaving his merchandise unprotected. I mean…I love you Mr. Moto, but if this was “America’s Next Top Jeweler,” Tyra would be giving you your walking papers by now.
What ensues is a mystery that, like many others in the series, entails the villains seemingly chasing the Drews from place to place. Carson and Nancy go to Japan to investigate the possible dirty dealings of World Wide Gems and the disappearance of the rich white lady, Mrs. Rossmeyer, but most of the mystery seems to be the “slippery Italian” (sigh) criminal, Benny Caputo jumping out at them and yelling “Hey! Don’t investigate us!” Not the right method, dude. And now Nancy is even more convinced that some criminal ring has infiltrated World Wide Gems.
During the whole book, I periodically find myself wondering why I should care that ONE of this rich lady’s abundance of jewels was stolen, but then I remember Mr. Moto. Most of this mystery is too scattered to create a focus; while World Wide Gems is definitely at the center of it, the numerous disguises and elaborate fake pearl cult have me scratching my head at the end. Like, I get it. In the beginner’s manual So You’ve Decided to Infiltrate an International Gem Company [oh, if only this was a book!], they tell you that you might need a cover story. But a fake pearl cult? I mean, did they have to register as a religion? How did they recruit followers? It seems like they had to use an awful lot of jewels to recruit people. Doesn’t that negate the money they’re making? Why expend all of this effort getting a rando criminal chick to impersonate Mrs. Rossmeyer (because the real Mrs. Rossmeyer is either in Paris shopping or dead in a gutter — I really don’t care at this point) just to steal what seems like INDIVIDUAL gems, one at a time?
These criminals don’t seem very smart.
So, now that I’ve dealt with the mystery critique…HOLY SHIT THE RACISM. Look. It’s clear that whoever wrote this book did a lot of research on Japan. A lot of the information was factually correct. However, they clearly read a book called An Old White Colonist Dude-Bro’s Hot Take on Wacky Japanese Culture and based it all on that because…HOLY SHIT. THE RACISM. As referenced above, there is actual yellowface in this book, which I don’t feel qualified to truly take on as a white lady, but I will tell you it’s BAD. Nancy dresses as a Japanese girl to blend in and spy on people, and she is essentially dressed as a geisha. She balks at the “weird” food put in front of her and giggles at the crazy customs over in Japan. Oh, Nancy…you’re better that this. Or ARE you?
At one point, Nancy and her friends are chasing a criminal and ask a local for a description. They are, and I quote “thrilled” when the criminal is described as Italian, and I have to tell you (even though this was back when Italian folks like myself were just starting to be considered white) I was thrilled too. I was actually physically relieved that this Italian criminal would buffer me from the relentless racism towards East Asian people for another few pages. And see how problematic my response is? Because on some level, my instinct is “I wish these books were filled with more white people so I won’t have this face (pictured below) frozen in terror for the rest of the book.”
And that, boys and girls, is how white guilt makes the lack of diversity in literature even worse. We’re so desperate to be blameless and not to be criticized that we just don’t try. As awful as the depictions in these books are, we need to learn from them, not just whitewash characters from different backgrounds. Because our COMFORT should not come with this price tag.
Whew. Okay, I know I got HELLSA ranty for a Nancy Drew review for a second. But…needed to be said.
The depictions in the book are what you would expect. While some are accurate, they are presented from such a white gaze that they are inherently problematic.
I wish I could spend this book talking about the mystery, where it worked and where it fell flat, but the truth is, I could barely make it through the pages this time around. I ended up skimming just to avoid the dropping sensation in my stomach every time someone is referred to as “An Asiatic” or when Carson chuckles when their host says “Ah, so.” I wish I could tell you I was able to look at it with the critical eye of a historian, but I’m just a girl reviewing Nancy Drew (And also…[Phil Hartman voice] “I’m just a caveman”). I have no such objectivity. I both love these books, AND I admit they are deeply wrong in many ways. And that’s just the truth.
1/5 Mags
Head Injuries: .5 (fell after being chloroformed), 24.5 total (….and her brain would be swiss cheese by now)
I hope you’ve enjoyed this ride with me. From here on out, I think I will hand pick my favorites, starting with perhaps my favorite of all time, The Secret of Shady Glen. See you then!
******************************************************************
Notes from the author: Part 56 of 56 in The Nancy Drew Project
Review Notes: Scores are out of 5 “mags” or magnifying glasses.
If you feel inclined to read more from me, you can find my “hilarious” cancer survival tale here, my Nancy Drew Review Project on Blogger and my writing in fiction form in Suspense Magazine and The Sleuth. Also, follow me on Medium, Instagram, and also Twitter even though it’s garbage.
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
Book #55: The Mystery of Crocodile Island
I should be used to this by now, but this book yet again starts with George being a ginormous douche. She brings a shoe box to the Drew house, where Bess is as well, and presents a baby crocodile (not really, but it's lifelike enough to fool Nancy, who escapes from George's mockery unscathed). When Bess freaks out, George laughs at her for like a full minute and then proceeds to George-splain Florida crocodile pet laws and the difference between alligators and crocodiles. Basically, Bess accidentally says "alligator" ONCE and George acts as though she didn't know the difference between a cat and a dog. Hmmmmm, I'm reacting to this. Is it time for another edition of "Bess Marvin: Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca?"
Just when I'm getting an eye cramp from rolling my eyes, though, George gets some major comeuppance: a call from the trick shop tells George that the shop boy SOLD HER A LIVE CROCODILE BY MISTAKE. That's right. The "plastic" crocodile is a REAL MOTHERFUCKING CROCODILE and it's now crawling around the Drew's living room.
Okay, three things here and then I promise I'll get past the first chapter. First, even though I'm a bit delighted to see George get so freaked out, I cannot believe the phone call she got. It was basically: "We sold you a real crocodile by mistake. Its name is Crocky. Bring it back NOW or we're going to put you in jail. JAIL!" Um, seriously, trick shop? First of all, why do you have live baby crocodiles at ALL? And if anyone is getting arrested, it's you. Secondly, Crocky? Thirdly...oh, wait, there is no thirdly. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE LIVE CROCODILES IN A TRICK SHOP?
Sigh. I'm done.
Or am I?
Okay, yes.
To the mystery! Carson's friend, Roger Gonzalez, is suspicious that his partners in the Crocodile Ecology Co. in Key Biscayne, are running the organization super shadily. When Nancy gets a call from "Roger Gonzalez" saying: "Hey, guys! Mystery's off. JK, y'all!" she's justifiably suspicious. Nancy, Bess, and George decide to go anyways and adopt fake names (Ann, Elizabeth and Jackie, respectively).
Unfortunately, the girls have barely arrived in Florida when, even with the disguises, they are kidnapped by a fake limo driver and locked inside a house. Nancy picks the lock (because she's s freaking pimp), and they finally make their way to the host house, owned by Carson's contacts the Cosgroves.
When they finally get to the titular Crocodile Island and start a tour with the Cosgroves' son Danny, they are warned away by a couple of "swarthy" dudes (seriously, Nancy Drew, with the dark-featured criminals again?) and Bess is once again torn a new one by an ecology tour guide when she says she doesn't like crocodiles, and torn a new NEW one when she asks to stay home and bake the next day. I mean, Bess is being kind of annoying in this, but seriously?
Alright, I think I know what I need to do. This isn't a Lifetime movie. This is a Twitter dogpile:
***
@Bessluvscarbs: Hi, Twitter friends! Luv u as always! But, guys? WTF with these alligators? I mean, does anything need that many teeth? And dontcha think they're a little too scary? I don't know about y'all but I'd rather stay home and bake my rockin' lemon nut cake. But only after some cheese corn, amirite guys?!
@GeorgenotGeorgia Hey, cuz. Maybe put down the cheese corn and lose a few. Also, it's CROCODILES not alligators. Also, you suck. Delete your account SMDH.
@EcologyGuy OMG you're like Hitler only WORSE! I can't believe you don't like crocodiles (and YES that's a picture of a CROCODILE by the way). Kill yourself. But also, wanna bang?
@GeorgenotGeorgia [fat shaming GIF]
@Bessluvscarbs Come on guys! Too mean. Nancy?
@NancyDrewGD Sorry, Bess, I've got a mystery to solve. Rain check? K LUV YOU BYEEEEEE
***
I could go on forever, but I guess I won't because I need to point out YET ANOTHER horrifically racist element to the Nancy Drew books. In this one, a Seminole American Indian named Joe Hanze, who seems like he could be an awesome and informative character if written correctly, is relegated to "entertaining" the girls with his differences. Survey says RACIST. But, wait. What follows is a two page story told by a tour guide (pgs 113-115) about a Seminole tribe who gets blown up when they're trying to protect their land (NOT framed that way by the tour guide, by the way). The story is told from such a white perspective that, when the Seminole men are blown up, the boy scout listening says "GOOD!" and then asks after the "poor" white hero, Mr Thompson is okay. He is (Bess is relieved) but his assistant, simply referred to as "the black assistant" by the way, because even though he died protecting this rando white dude's lighthouse he can't have a name, was shot in the skirmish. Oh, but also reminder: it wasn't the rando white dude's lighthouse but actually the SEMINOLE'S lighthouse though b/c it's on their land. I'm pointing all of this out not just out of outrage (of which there is plenty) but because if anyone needs evidence of our history being taught to children through the lens of white colonization, read this book. Pages 113-115. Revel in your discomfort.
After the most racist story ever told, the action picks up. Ned, Dave, and Burt arrive, to the chagrin of Danny Cosgrove (who was definitely taking a shine to Bess despite her crocodile ignorance and constant screaming). Ned and Nancy end up on a submarine headed for Mexico with the criminal element siphoning money from the Crocodile Ecology Co. and the rest of the gang has to work from the island while Ned and Nancy find their way back. In a nice turn (especially after a book filled with Bess being a total female stereotype and also falling victim to white savior propaganda), Bess convinces the bad guys to confess with her softer, good-cop style, and the day is saved.
So, this one was overall entertaining, but I had to take away a full two mags because of the racism. It was just staggering. But also, seriously read it because it SO illustrates what is wrong with us.
Head injuries: 0 (13 total)
2 1/2 out of 5 mags
End note: Has anyone noticed that Nancy, Bess and George are basically Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup?
Oh, and another end note: were you all wondering what happened to the live baby crocodile, who Togo scared back into the box and was taken back to the trick shop, after the first chapter? Yeah. So am I.
Just when I'm getting an eye cramp from rolling my eyes, though, George gets some major comeuppance: a call from the trick shop tells George that the shop boy SOLD HER A LIVE CROCODILE BY MISTAKE. That's right. The "plastic" crocodile is a REAL MOTHERFUCKING CROCODILE and it's now crawling around the Drew's living room.
Okay, three things here and then I promise I'll get past the first chapter. First, even though I'm a bit delighted to see George get so freaked out, I cannot believe the phone call she got. It was basically: "We sold you a real crocodile by mistake. Its name is Crocky. Bring it back NOW or we're going to put you in jail. JAIL!" Um, seriously, trick shop? First of all, why do you have live baby crocodiles at ALL? And if anyone is getting arrested, it's you. Secondly, Crocky? Thirdly...oh, wait, there is no thirdly. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE LIVE CROCODILES IN A TRICK SHOP?
Sigh. I'm done.
Or am I?
Okay, yes.
To the mystery! Carson's friend, Roger Gonzalez, is suspicious that his partners in the Crocodile Ecology Co. in Key Biscayne, are running the organization super shadily. When Nancy gets a call from "Roger Gonzalez" saying: "Hey, guys! Mystery's off. JK, y'all!" she's justifiably suspicious. Nancy, Bess, and George decide to go anyways and adopt fake names (Ann, Elizabeth and Jackie, respectively).
Unfortunately, the girls have barely arrived in Florida when, even with the disguises, they are kidnapped by a fake limo driver and locked inside a house. Nancy picks the lock (because she's s freaking pimp), and they finally make their way to the host house, owned by Carson's contacts the Cosgroves.
When they finally get to the titular Crocodile Island and start a tour with the Cosgroves' son Danny, they are warned away by a couple of "swarthy" dudes (seriously, Nancy Drew, with the dark-featured criminals again?) and Bess is once again torn a new one by an ecology tour guide when she says she doesn't like crocodiles, and torn a new NEW one when she asks to stay home and bake the next day. I mean, Bess is being kind of annoying in this, but seriously?
Alright, I think I know what I need to do. This isn't a Lifetime movie. This is a Twitter dogpile:
***
@Bessluvscarbs: Hi, Twitter friends! Luv u as always! But, guys? WTF with these alligators? I mean, does anything need that many teeth? And dontcha think they're a little too scary? I don't know about y'all but I'd rather stay home and bake my rockin' lemon nut cake. But only after some cheese corn, amirite guys?!
@GeorgenotGeorgia Hey, cuz. Maybe put down the cheese corn and lose a few. Also, it's CROCODILES not alligators. Also, you suck. Delete your account SMDH.
@EcologyGuy OMG you're like Hitler only WORSE! I can't believe you don't like crocodiles (and YES that's a picture of a CROCODILE by the way). Kill yourself. But also, wanna bang?
@GeorgenotGeorgia [fat shaming GIF]
@Bessluvscarbs Come on guys! Too mean. Nancy?
@NancyDrewGD Sorry, Bess, I've got a mystery to solve. Rain check? K LUV YOU BYEEEEEE
***
I could go on forever, but I guess I won't because I need to point out YET ANOTHER horrifically racist element to the Nancy Drew books. In this one, a Seminole American Indian named Joe Hanze, who seems like he could be an awesome and informative character if written correctly, is relegated to "entertaining" the girls with his differences. Survey says RACIST. But, wait. What follows is a two page story told by a tour guide (pgs 113-115) about a Seminole tribe who gets blown up when they're trying to protect their land (NOT framed that way by the tour guide, by the way). The story is told from such a white perspective that, when the Seminole men are blown up, the boy scout listening says "GOOD!" and then asks after the "poor" white hero, Mr Thompson is okay. He is (Bess is relieved) but his assistant, simply referred to as "the black assistant" by the way, because even though he died protecting this rando white dude's lighthouse he can't have a name, was shot in the skirmish. Oh, but also reminder: it wasn't the rando white dude's lighthouse but actually the SEMINOLE'S lighthouse though b/c it's on their land. I'm pointing all of this out not just out of outrage (of which there is plenty) but because if anyone needs evidence of our history being taught to children through the lens of white colonization, read this book. Pages 113-115. Revel in your discomfort.
After the most racist story ever told, the action picks up. Ned, Dave, and Burt arrive, to the chagrin of Danny Cosgrove (who was definitely taking a shine to Bess despite her crocodile ignorance and constant screaming). Ned and Nancy end up on a submarine headed for Mexico with the criminal element siphoning money from the Crocodile Ecology Co. and the rest of the gang has to work from the island while Ned and Nancy find their way back. In a nice turn (especially after a book filled with Bess being a total female stereotype and also falling victim to white savior propaganda), Bess convinces the bad guys to confess with her softer, good-cop style, and the day is saved.
So, this one was overall entertaining, but I had to take away a full two mags because of the racism. It was just staggering. But also, seriously read it because it SO illustrates what is wrong with us.
Head injuries: 0 (13 total)
2 1/2 out of 5 mags
End note: Has anyone noticed that Nancy, Bess and George are basically Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup?
Oh, and another end note: were you all wondering what happened to the live baby crocodile, who Togo scared back into the box and was taken back to the trick shop, after the first chapter? Yeah. So am I.
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