Book #8: Nancy's Mysterious Letter (1932 version)

...or, as it should be known "Nancy vs. A Bunch of Total A-holes and Constant Interruptions"

This is the 1932 original version of the story.  It should be noted that the rewrite eliminated parts of the story as well as the blatant racial slurs.
Nancy's Mysterious Letter gets to the story just as quickly as usual--in the first chapter, Nancy receives the "mysterious letter" and invites the kindly postman, Ira Dixon, in for hot cocoa.  By 1st chapter's end, the postman's mailbag is stolen and his career is in ruins! Oh, poor Ira Dixon! But...let's get back to that mysterious letter.

Or NOT.

Nancy runs around the neighborhood trying to track down the evil man who stole the bag, getting a surprising amount of information from a young boy named Tommy (I feel like Tommy comes back in Whispering Statue).  Then, Nancy decides to go face the music with Mr. Dixon.  All the while, Nancy keeps the letter in her pocket so that she can read it later.

I'm all for your weekly charity cases, Nancy, but remember that letter?  Yeah, we want you to frakkin' read it already.

Unfortunately, my silent pleas are ignored, as they are made to a book that is over 80 years old.  Nancy goes to the Postmaster's office and finds a man whom she describes as "very unpleasant."  Uh, THAT'S the understatement of the year.  The postmaster, Mr. Cutter, screams at Nancy, blaming her for the theft, and promises to fire Ira Dixon without pension and discharge him dishonorably.  Really?  For a mail bag?  Uhhhh...okay.  Anyhoo, the postmaster calls the police, who surreptitiously tell the man that he's berating the daughter of Carson Drew.  Of course, the sycophantic buffoon proceeds to kiss her ass.  But Nancy's in no mood for her practically perfect ass to get kissed.  Oh, no.  She's got a letter to read.

OR DOES SHE?

She goes home, expecting to read the letter, but finds she has to drive Bess and George home, along with several bags of squash (WHAT?).  Then, of course, Nancy has to help Bess inside with the squash and make pleasantries with Mrs. Marvin, all the while grasping the letter inside her coat pocket and praying she can read it soon.

Seriously, screw manners, Nancy.  Just READ THE LETTER.

But no.  Now it's too dark to read the letter, and Nancy almost loses it when it flies out of her coat pocket and back into her convertible.  Close call.  Why don't you stop somewhere with a light and READ THE LETTER?  She finally gets home, and explains the letter to Hannah and her father.  The letter opener is in her hand and she slowly starts to cut through the envelope when...

The doorbell rings.  It's Ned Nickerson, asking Nancy on some kind of elaborate weekend date and to meet his parents.  Whoop-de-frikkin'-do, Ned.  We all love you but there's a MYSTERIOUS LETTER to read, man!  Then, just as I think I might explode, Ned and Mr. Drew start to talk about football and Nancy just zones out (been there, Nancy) but still feels like she has to sit there and listen to their boring-ass sports con-fab.

3-2-1...Kate explodes.  But, just after my splattered remains are recovered, Nancy finally reads the letter.  After 50 PAGES.  It's a notice from a legal firm in London, wondering if she is Nancy Smith Drew, a woman who stands to gain a large inheritance but the estate lawyers have not been able to locate her.  Of course, Nancy takes on this mystery too.

Just as she is about to start investigating, another very unpleasant person (VUP) shows up at the Drew abode.  Her name is Maude Sheets, the wife of Sailor Joe Sheets (I know what you're thinking but, despite their ridiculous names, they are not the perpetrators).  Turns out, Maude is sent a weekly stipend from Sailor Joe's sister as he is often away on long voyages (which I would be too if I was married to that infuriating hag).  Apparently, it's all Nancy's fault that she didn't get her mail (because she invited Mr. Dixon in, I guess--but who leaves their mail bag out on the street?).  Not only does Nancy owe her $10, but she proceeds to ramble on about how Nancy's generation has no respect for her elders, and Nancy should be scrubbing floors and making dinner, blah blah blah.  What.  A.  Bitch.  Nancy promises her the $10 so she'll shut up and we are all thankful.

Nancy goes down to the bank to get $10 (no ATMs in River Heights in 1932, yo) and runs into the postmaster again, who yells at her, claiming he now doesn't care who she is--he'll have her blamed for all the stolen mail.  Then, she must endure another lecture from Maude Sheets when she shows up with the $10.  I swear, all of this is taking another 50 pages.  But finally Nancy gets home and can start focusing on the mystery...

DING-DONG.

That's right.  It's Maude Sheets again, who proceeds to scream at Nancy again for being a disrespectful youngin' who deserves to get "taken over the knee," and then toss the ten dollar bill at Nancy's feet and offhandedly tell her she got the mail after all.  Seriously, if I were Nancy, I would claw this woman's face off right about now.

Sorry for the long recap of the worst part of the book, but I had to.  The second half (this book is 200 pgs--longer than most in the ND collection) progresses much more smoothly, with the focus mainly on Nancy heading to Emerson for Ned's big football game and, with the help of Mr. Nickerson, tracking down Ira Dixon's no-good mailbag-stealing brother, Edgar Dixon.  He, along with being responsible for ruining his half-brother's USPS career, has been running a Nigerian Prince-type mail scam to get money from naive housewives.  She also discovers that Nancy Smith Drew, the subject of her mysterious letter, is set to marry the evil Edgar Dixon.  Of course, just in the nick of time, Nancy saves the other Miss Drew from being on the River Heights Edition of "Mob Wives" and gets her the proof she needs to claim her inheritance.  Edgar Dixon gets away (a rarity for Nancy Drew cases) but is never heard from again, and Ira Dixon is cleared and receives his pension.  Three cheers for Nancy Drew!

This one is a toughie.  If I were rating just the second half of the book, it would get 4 stars.  But, despite having some good villains, both evil (Edgar Dixon) and regular (Mr. Cutter and Maude Sheets), the first part was just too rage-inducing.  I give this one a 2 1/2 out of 5.

   
Head Injury Count: 0 (3 total)
Racial Slurs: 3+
Total A-Holes: 5
Interruptions: Countless