...or, as it should be called: The Triple Dog Mega Secret Probation Jinx Mystery
This book was...really weird. Our story starts off with Nancy being asked to help a client of her father's whose exotic bird farm is set to be torn down by a local real estate company called "High Rise Company." Yes, the generic High Rise Company wants to pave paradise to put up a parking lot, so to speak, and they have pulled out all the stops to get Mr. Drew's client, Oscar Thurston to sell his farm. The Thurstons are your typical Nancy Drew sob story, a kindly old man and his disabled wife (I'm definitely irritated by the inspiration porn going on in the series at this point, but I'll let that go for now) who just want to keep their aviary and home. Mrs. Thurston, however, is a bit high strung, what with the constant threats. She insists they are being jinxed. No, DOUBLE JINXED. I'm betting my this story's end, Nancy and her fiends will be triple dog mega secret probation jinxed, but that's just a guess.
And I'm totally right! Nancy, Ned and their friends get into a mess of trouble, from obtaining some kind of bird flu after the exotic pets are poisoned to getting shoved over a dam. Each time something bad happens, someone says they must be jinxed and I'm starting to feel like I should be making the whole thing into a drinking game. They also keep saying the word "Eurasian" which I feel like might be offensive but apparently is something people were described as. The Thurstons have a mysterious Eurasian house guest, Kamenka (or, Kammy) who is studying orinthology at the local college and she has a pet, a Eurasian bird named Petra. The rest of the book is so peppered with references to birds, jinxes, and people of Eurasian descent that I can't help but note that I would be extremely drunk right now if it were a drinking game.
Hmmmm. A reading drinking game. I might have to make that a thing.
The "mystery" of who is responsible for the sabotage, threats and bird poisoning incidents that have befallen the Thurstons is clearly going to lead back to this High Rise Company, so each dangerous incident ending in the jinxing, double jinxing, or dodectuple jinxing of our heroes kind of falls flat.
The criminals, clearly hired by the aforementioned HRC (and it's owner, Mr. Wright) have names like Spike, Merv Marvel and, I kid you not, Slick Fingers O' Maylay. Yet another example of why parents are really doing their children a disservice by naming them things like "Shifty," "Swindly," or "Slick Fingers." You're really setting those kids up for a life of crime, guys.
Most of the book sees Nancy lobbying the town council to vote for an addendum to the High Rise project that restores and maintains the Thurston's farm, and is really the only interesting part of the book, save for the bizarre ending. It's incredible how dull a book can be that contains repeated bomb threats.
In the end, Nancy "saves" the Thurstons by getting the council to vote to save it, and also manages to track down the criminals. Slick Fingers is easy enough to pin down, but Nancy is kidnapped by one of the main crooks, Merv Marvel. He is actually an ex high-jumper for the ballet, a real Baryshnikov (Nancy and Ned had discovered his involvement while looking for clues at the ballet). Apparently, Merv saw Nancy dancing--which she can do because of COURSE she can--and decides he wants to take Nancy to dance at his weird demonic coven.
Wait, back up (insert "truck backing up" sound)...
Yeah, this is where things get weird. Merv Marvel takes Nancy captive and suggests that she be his new "dancing partner." Nancy goes along with it to stay alive, and then the two of them dance-leap to this old barn, at which point it seems like Merv wants to take Nancy as his bride. When they enter the barn, Nancy sees a bunch of people in masks dancing in a "convulsive" and "snake-like" manner. At this point in the narrative, I'm doing cartoonish eye-rubbing double takes and wondering if I somehow forgot that this Nancy Drew book ends in an Eyes Wide Shut-esque orgy. It does not. Apparently, Marvel is part of a demonic cult that tricks weirdos and criminals into giving its "Grand Master" lots of cash. The whole thing is set up by--big surprise--the dude from the High Rise Company.
Wow. What a ludicrous way to end that story. A story in which, inexplicably, Nancy and everyone around is convinced that jinxes (DRINK!) are real and that bad luck is a thing. The whole novel feels kind of disjointed and not really befitting the Nancy Drew vibe.
I give this one a disappointing 2/5 mags.
Nancy Drew Drinking Game:
GENERAL:
*Drink whenever Nancy has a double/doppelganger
* Drink whenever Nancy can somehow do everything perfectly (act, model, dance etc.)
*Drink whenever Bess is fat shamed
*Drink whenever Ned remarks about marrying Nancy and she totally blows him off
*Drink whenever George says "Hypers!"
*Drink whenever Bess is afraid
*Drink whenever someone is kidnapped
*Drink for every criminal with a hilarious name
*Drink whenever it's not a haunting
THE DOUBLE JINX MYSTERY:
*Drink whenever you see the word "Jinx"
*Drink whenever you see the word "Eurasian."
Congratulations. You're now dead.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
Book #49: The Secret of Mirror Bay
The Secret of Mirror Bay...
...is that Nancy has one million doppelgangers.
No, really. She must have one MILLION. Unless titian hair is so uncommon that anyone with similar hair color is automatically mistaken for her. Let me back up.
The original gangsta mystery is the ghostly happenings surrounding Aunt Eloise's vacation cabin where they are staying, the Mirror Bay Bide-a-Wee. Some say (the start to any verified story) that a woman has been seen gliding across the top of the water, and that a mad sorcerer roams the woods, bearing an unearthly glow. Ooooh, this has all the makings of another...
RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!
Nancy Drew: Have you ever had a pesky ghost haunt your bed & breakfast? A no-good spook send you other-worldly messages about giving away your fortune? How about a phantom just going to TOWN on your showboat? Well, we're Nancy Drew and co. and we're here to tell you--it's never a haunting! That's right, say it with me once more: IT'S NEVER A HAUNTING!
You've got it, folks. Our River Heights crew is back and they're here at Mirror bay to de-stress...and debunk!!!
George Fayne: Well, at first when we heard about the lady floating on the water, I was like "bitch, please." I mean it's never a ghost. Never!
Bess Marvin: Oh, sure, I believe. I mean, it's never turned out to be a ghost before but this time. [Takes deep, ominous breath] This time I think it could be for real. [Another pointed pause]. Yeah. For mega-realsies, guys.
Ned Nickerson: Well, at first when I saw that glowing sorcerer dude, I thought it has to be an alien. I mean, what other kind of creature would be glowing green and flitting around the woods? Mr. Burns? Bringing us love? I don't think so.
Nancy: There you have it, people. Our gang has a lot of conflicting theories. But, as per usual, I'm about to completely prove them all wrong. Because I'm Nancy Drew and, in addition to my flawless skills in almost any art, sport or contest, I also KNOW EVERYTHING.
CATCH THEM TONIGHT ON...RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!!
Okay, that's enough of that. But now that I think of it that would be a really good show. Nancy and the gang quickly set out to disprove the new local ghost theory, with Bess and George even trying their hand at it. George stands on Bess's shoulders and appears to glide over the top of the lake, causing Nancy to wonder if the ghost could really be a prank. Her musings are quickly interrupted, however, by George making snarky remarks about how she could never be the one holding Bess on her shoulders, as she'd have to be "Supergirl."
Yikes.
Well, I guess George gets one jab per book, right? I mean, after all this time, George must see that her cousin has feelings. Right? Whoa, spoke too soon. Within a few pages, Bess mentions that she's hungry and George tells her she sounds like a contestant in an "eating contest," and, a few pages after that, tells her that if she eats one more sweet roll she will in fact resemble a sweet roll. Okay, sorry George, but I call bitch. Sure, Bess likes to eat, but that doesn't mean she deserves this constant haranguing. At this point in the book, I'm starting to wish that my fake Lifetime movie Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin had ended with Bess strangling George with a licorice rope or something.
George's bullying aside, however, the girls soon find themselves ensconced in not one but three mysteries. The gliding female figure is soon debunked when they save a woman walking in stilts in the lake (Note: evidently she was doing this because she can't swim, but was stilt-walking in a lake without a life vest. Super smart.) but the woman soon gives them another mystery to solve: finding a child's royal coach that had been brought over by her ancestors from Czarist Russia, but had somehow ended up in the lake after a tragedy that ended in the child's death. This mystery ends up being kind of an add-on and red herring, but I'll come back to it later.
Onto the doppelganger! There is yet another double of Nancy running around stealing from people. So, in addition to the three mysteries, Nancy also has to deal with people accosting her on the street accusing her of selling them fake vacations or stealing their purse. She also keeps nearly getting arrested by the police, but gets out of it each time when the officer decides that she must be a different girl because the thiefelganger (yes, that's thief and doppelganger and get used to it--I love word portmanteau) has a hard face. You know, the criminals in these stories might want to work on their facial expressions. It's apparently really easy to tell a criminal from their flashing dark eyes and hard expressions. Fake Nancy also seems to catch on that she looks like our girl detective and that the gang is investigating something on the mountainside near the lake where the sorcerer has been spotted, so she goes out of her way to dress in similar clothes just to slow Nancy down. Great job, thiefelganger. Now, Nancy is totally onto the fact that there's something to investigate.
The gang checks out the mountainside and are immediately stopped by a glowing, furry green figure spouting nonsense. My first thought was that it was the Philadelphia fanatic, drunk again, but apparently it's one of the criminals. The green man, along with another man in a crazy mask, are clearly freaked out by Nancy's appearance in the area, because they try to kidnap Bess, rob their cabin, and play all sorts of tricks. I'm sure they meant to scare Nancy away, but they clearly haven't gotten the memo that this just makes things worse for them.
While they are knee-deep in the mysteries, Ned, Burt and Dave show up to help out. They've also brought along a professor, who seems to have eyes for Aunt Eloise. Oooh la la. I've never thought about it, but I have no idea why Aunt Eloise is single (unless she's secretly gay or something). She's nice, thin, beautiful and owns her own apartment in Upper Manhattan. I call bullshit that she wouldn't have been snapped up by now.
The professor, however, ends up being the key to the whole sorcerer-thiefelganger mystery. He recognizes the two men in the criminal pack as "renegade scientists" who stole the formula for a firefly-based cool light experiment from a nearby real scientist. Apparently, they have been conducting experiments in the caves on the mountainside (with thiefelganger Doria, the wife of one of the scientists, stealing money for the supplies) and were afraid of being found out by Nancy and her crew. In my opinion, they did everything short of waving their hands in the air and shouting "Hey! Don't investigate us! Something sinister is happening here but it's not us! It's something scaaaaarry! So stay away!" Morons.
Despite the top-tier idiocy of the villains this was a really enjoyable tale. The Czarist Russia royal coach discovery in the lake at the end felt a bit disconnected and tacked on because it had little to nothing to do with the main events, but I still loved the book as a whole.
4 1/2 out of 5 mags
Head Injuries: 0 (23 total)
Fat Shamings: 3 (1 bazillion total)
...is that Nancy has one million doppelgangers.
No, really. She must have one MILLION. Unless titian hair is so uncommon that anyone with similar hair color is automatically mistaken for her. Let me back up.
The original gangsta mystery is the ghostly happenings surrounding Aunt Eloise's vacation cabin where they are staying, the Mirror Bay Bide-a-Wee. Some say (the start to any verified story) that a woman has been seen gliding across the top of the water, and that a mad sorcerer roams the woods, bearing an unearthly glow. Ooooh, this has all the makings of another...
RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!
Nancy Drew: Have you ever had a pesky ghost haunt your bed & breakfast? A no-good spook send you other-worldly messages about giving away your fortune? How about a phantom just going to TOWN on your showboat? Well, we're Nancy Drew and co. and we're here to tell you--it's never a haunting! That's right, say it with me once more: IT'S NEVER A HAUNTING!
You've got it, folks. Our River Heights crew is back and they're here at Mirror bay to de-stress...and debunk!!!
George Fayne: Well, at first when we heard about the lady floating on the water, I was like "bitch, please." I mean it's never a ghost. Never!
Bess Marvin: Oh, sure, I believe. I mean, it's never turned out to be a ghost before but this time. [Takes deep, ominous breath] This time I think it could be for real. [Another pointed pause]. Yeah. For mega-realsies, guys.
Ned Nickerson: Well, at first when I saw that glowing sorcerer dude, I thought it has to be an alien. I mean, what other kind of creature would be glowing green and flitting around the woods? Mr. Burns? Bringing us love? I don't think so.
Nancy: There you have it, people. Our gang has a lot of conflicting theories. But, as per usual, I'm about to completely prove them all wrong. Because I'm Nancy Drew and, in addition to my flawless skills in almost any art, sport or contest, I also KNOW EVERYTHING.
CATCH THEM TONIGHT ON...RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!!
Okay, that's enough of that. But now that I think of it that would be a really good show. Nancy and the gang quickly set out to disprove the new local ghost theory, with Bess and George even trying their hand at it. George stands on Bess's shoulders and appears to glide over the top of the lake, causing Nancy to wonder if the ghost could really be a prank. Her musings are quickly interrupted, however, by George making snarky remarks about how she could never be the one holding Bess on her shoulders, as she'd have to be "Supergirl."
Yikes.
Well, I guess George gets one jab per book, right? I mean, after all this time, George must see that her cousin has feelings. Right? Whoa, spoke too soon. Within a few pages, Bess mentions that she's hungry and George tells her she sounds like a contestant in an "eating contest," and, a few pages after that, tells her that if she eats one more sweet roll she will in fact resemble a sweet roll. Okay, sorry George, but I call bitch. Sure, Bess likes to eat, but that doesn't mean she deserves this constant haranguing. At this point in the book, I'm starting to wish that my fake Lifetime movie Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin had ended with Bess strangling George with a licorice rope or something.
George's bullying aside, however, the girls soon find themselves ensconced in not one but three mysteries. The gliding female figure is soon debunked when they save a woman walking in stilts in the lake (Note: evidently she was doing this because she can't swim, but was stilt-walking in a lake without a life vest. Super smart.) but the woman soon gives them another mystery to solve: finding a child's royal coach that had been brought over by her ancestors from Czarist Russia, but had somehow ended up in the lake after a tragedy that ended in the child's death. This mystery ends up being kind of an add-on and red herring, but I'll come back to it later.
Onto the doppelganger! There is yet another double of Nancy running around stealing from people. So, in addition to the three mysteries, Nancy also has to deal with people accosting her on the street accusing her of selling them fake vacations or stealing their purse. She also keeps nearly getting arrested by the police, but gets out of it each time when the officer decides that she must be a different girl because the thiefelganger (yes, that's thief and doppelganger and get used to it--I love word portmanteau) has a hard face. You know, the criminals in these stories might want to work on their facial expressions. It's apparently really easy to tell a criminal from their flashing dark eyes and hard expressions. Fake Nancy also seems to catch on that she looks like our girl detective and that the gang is investigating something on the mountainside near the lake where the sorcerer has been spotted, so she goes out of her way to dress in similar clothes just to slow Nancy down. Great job, thiefelganger. Now, Nancy is totally onto the fact that there's something to investigate.
The gang checks out the mountainside and are immediately stopped by a glowing, furry green figure spouting nonsense. My first thought was that it was the Philadelphia fanatic, drunk again, but apparently it's one of the criminals. The green man, along with another man in a crazy mask, are clearly freaked out by Nancy's appearance in the area, because they try to kidnap Bess, rob their cabin, and play all sorts of tricks. I'm sure they meant to scare Nancy away, but they clearly haven't gotten the memo that this just makes things worse for them.
While they are knee-deep in the mysteries, Ned, Burt and Dave show up to help out. They've also brought along a professor, who seems to have eyes for Aunt Eloise. Oooh la la. I've never thought about it, but I have no idea why Aunt Eloise is single (unless she's secretly gay or something). She's nice, thin, beautiful and owns her own apartment in Upper Manhattan. I call bullshit that she wouldn't have been snapped up by now.
The professor, however, ends up being the key to the whole sorcerer-thiefelganger mystery. He recognizes the two men in the criminal pack as "renegade scientists" who stole the formula for a firefly-based cool light experiment from a nearby real scientist. Apparently, they have been conducting experiments in the caves on the mountainside (with thiefelganger Doria, the wife of one of the scientists, stealing money for the supplies) and were afraid of being found out by Nancy and her crew. In my opinion, they did everything short of waving their hands in the air and shouting "Hey! Don't investigate us! Something sinister is happening here but it's not us! It's something scaaaaarry! So stay away!" Morons.
Despite the top-tier idiocy of the villains this was a really enjoyable tale. The Czarist Russia royal coach discovery in the lake at the end felt a bit disconnected and tacked on because it had little to nothing to do with the main events, but I still loved the book as a whole.
4 1/2 out of 5 mags
Head Injuries: 0 (23 total)
Fat Shamings: 3 (1 bazillion total)
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Book #1: The Mysterious Disappearance of Kate Alessandri
Next up is The Secret of Mirror Bay but I thought I'd address the other mystery on the table, which is why I've been missing for the past year. You see, last year I was enormous with child and, eventually, the desire to do nothing but eat sour gummy worms and binge watch The X-Files for the tenth time overtook me. I have kept up with my serialized Nancy Drew fiction (which you can find here, in The Sleuth: http://www.ndsleuths.com/thesleuth ) but have lacked the motivation since the baby was born to do much in the way of extracurricular writing.
When I became pregnant, I dreamed of a relaxing maternity leave that would involve me walking the baby down to a local cafe and writing while she quietly slept or cooed and played with toys. Despite the fact that all parents warned me it wouldn't be that simple, I foolishly clung to the fantasy. In reality, that scene plays out like this:
--Baby finally seems ready for a nap. Let's get her dressed and ready to go in the stroller!
--Oops, she just pooped all over everything. Better change.
--You know, now it's getting a little chilly, I should bring her a sweater and hat.
--Aw, man. Those are in the dryer. Guess I should wait a bit.
--Ok, dryer is done! Let's go!
--Oh, wait. She's fallen asleep on me and now I must sit motionless for the next hour and a half while my bladder slowly fills up...
You get the idea. Now that I am back at work and have actual breaks that don't involve shoving food in my face while my 20 lb. child yelps and kicks me repeatedly in the boob, perhaps I can get back in the groove. I will review all 56 books if it kills me! After the Thirteenth Pearl, I will review my faves as I re-read them. Now, bask in the glory that is my little girl detective :)
Book #48: The Crooked Bannister
The Crooked Bannister or, if you judge a book by its cover, Nancy Vs. the Evil Robot!
Hold onto your hats, Nancy Drew fans. This is one of the good ones. Which, of course, will inevitably lead to a less amusing review. But still.
The Crooked Bannister is one of my favorites, in part because it has one of the weirdest and best villains, Rawley Banister. Not only has he excelled in swindling the masses out of their money, but he's used those ill-gotten gains to build the kind of house that children might dare each other to approach on Halloween, a house that was both awesome and looked like what would happen if architecture was a sentient being that threw up everywhere. First of all, there is a moat surrounding the house that catches fire when you cross it--mega cool. Then, there's an evil robot that plays cassette tapes. There is a creepy portrait hall with paintings of relatives covered in poison-dipped black ink and, finally, there is the titular crooked banister that seems to run straight through the floor instead of ending at the base of the landing. So, as you might expect, just in setting alone, this book gets an A+.
Nancy starts on the case at the behest of her father, whose kindly clients have been swindled by the nefarious Rawley Banister. He insists because of the danger involved that Nancy bring her friends George and Bess along and, because, they're apparently never in school, working or doing anything, they are happy to come along.
Unfortunately, the kindly Bess is herself swindled by an accomplice of Banister, Clyde Mead. He convinces her to send money to a poor and starving young boy on a reservation and then starts to send her fake letters with pictures of the young boy. Wait. Is Sally Struthers also an accomplice of Rawley Banister? Is that reference just a tad outdated? Either way, George basically makes Bess feel like Queen Doofus of Idiotville for sending the money.
After the swindle, and numerous sticky situations at the Banister house, Nancy brings in more reinforcements in the shape of Ned, Burt and Dave. The rest of the mystery sees some spectacular kickings of our gang's ass, but not even by the villain himself. No, he's set up his Smart House (so ahead of its time...) to release evil robots, poison, maim and potentially burn alive any intruders. I've got to be honest here: after a while, I start to really respect Rawley Banister. Most Nancy Drew villains are lurking in the shadows, sending threatening notes or locking her in closets to "teach her a lesson" when all it ever does is strengthen her resolve. This guy just lets his house do it. Brilliant.
In the end, it turns out Rawley Banister died in a water cruiser explosion (Wow, another jet ski explosion? Doesn't it seem like people in this universe should avoid them if they're so prone to fiery deaths for the passenger?) and Clyde Mead tries to take over villain duties. Unfortunately for Clyde, he didn't build an awesome house that will kill for him. Sorry, Clyde. Game over.
Hold onto your hats, Nancy Drew fans. This is one of the good ones. Which, of course, will inevitably lead to a less amusing review. But still.
The Crooked Bannister is one of my favorites, in part because it has one of the weirdest and best villains, Rawley Banister. Not only has he excelled in swindling the masses out of their money, but he's used those ill-gotten gains to build the kind of house that children might dare each other to approach on Halloween, a house that was both awesome and looked like what would happen if architecture was a sentient being that threw up everywhere. First of all, there is a moat surrounding the house that catches fire when you cross it--mega cool. Then, there's an evil robot that plays cassette tapes. There is a creepy portrait hall with paintings of relatives covered in poison-dipped black ink and, finally, there is the titular crooked banister that seems to run straight through the floor instead of ending at the base of the landing. So, as you might expect, just in setting alone, this book gets an A+.
Nancy starts on the case at the behest of her father, whose kindly clients have been swindled by the nefarious Rawley Banister. He insists because of the danger involved that Nancy bring her friends George and Bess along and, because, they're apparently never in school, working or doing anything, they are happy to come along.
Unfortunately, the kindly Bess is herself swindled by an accomplice of Banister, Clyde Mead. He convinces her to send money to a poor and starving young boy on a reservation and then starts to send her fake letters with pictures of the young boy. Wait. Is Sally Struthers also an accomplice of Rawley Banister? Is that reference just a tad outdated? Either way, George basically makes Bess feel like Queen Doofus of Idiotville for sending the money.
After the swindle, and numerous sticky situations at the Banister house, Nancy brings in more reinforcements in the shape of Ned, Burt and Dave. The rest of the mystery sees some spectacular kickings of our gang's ass, but not even by the villain himself. No, he's set up his Smart House (so ahead of its time...) to release evil robots, poison, maim and potentially burn alive any intruders. I've got to be honest here: after a while, I start to really respect Rawley Banister. Most Nancy Drew villains are lurking in the shadows, sending threatening notes or locking her in closets to "teach her a lesson" when all it ever does is strengthen her resolve. This guy just lets his house do it. Brilliant.
In the end, it turns out Rawley Banister died in a water cruiser explosion (Wow, another jet ski explosion? Doesn't it seem like people in this universe should avoid them if they're so prone to fiery deaths for the passenger?) and Clyde Mead tries to take over villain duties. Unfortunately for Clyde, he didn't build an awesome house that will kill for him. Sorry, Clyde. Game over.
This one is one of the best, although has the least fodder for reviewing silliness. It’s close to perfect, although I have to take away a mag for the overt white tourism/white saviorism in how they treat the Native children storyline. While it isn’t as overtly problematic as others, it’s an issue that needs to be pointed out.
4/5 Mags
Head Injuries: While Nancy doesn’t black out, she falls through enough floors and is smothered by enough robots to make me convinced there is at least one head injury here. So 1 (23 total)
Jet-ski Explosions: 1 (it’s been a while — 3 total?)
Monday, March 2, 2015
Book #47: The Mysterious Mannequin
Twice the crime in half the time...
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/9/70 3:00 p.m. The alleged mannequin rapist, Farouk Tahmasp, once wanted for smuggling, is still at large and has contacted girl detective Nancy Drew to return his inanimate model. Residents have gone on the record to report the man "kissing" and "fondling" the mannequin. One local restaurant owner claims that Farouk was "in love" and could not stand to be parted from the intoxicatingly beautiful dummy. Some claim Farouk is a pervert, while others claim that the mannequin may be sexually promiscuous as they saw her "wink" at them. No leads on the missing mannequin have been reported thus far.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 11:52 a.m. An attempted burglary was once again reported at the residence of Carson and Nancy Drew, frequent victims of general nafariousness. Girl detective, Nancy Drew, reported that a man with a beard and a mustache "of Turkish descent" was responsible for the near-crime. The man attempted to steal a Turkish prayer rug, sent from agalmatophiliac Farouk Tahmasp, but failed when the Drew's family dog, Togo, intervened. The man escaped and no arrests have been made.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:05 p.m. UPDATE--Sources confirm that the man wanted for attempted burglary on the Drew house procured a skeleton key from local locksmith R.S. Smith. The man's ads, which boast being able to "open any unusual lock" have now come under scrutiny for, as local girl George Fayne put it, "advertising...to super-duper burglars." The store is under investigation but no arrests have been made.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:48 p.m. Patrons of nearby dining establishment The Water Wheel Restaurant reported that a local boy nearly drowned today during the lunch rush. Allegedly, the child was playing near the banks and fell in, swept towards the restaurant's titular water wheel. Fortunately, local hero and habitual drowning-child-saver, Nancy Drew came to the rescue. No long-term injuries were sustained.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/12/70 10:15 a.m. UPDATE--Local head of the police department, Chief McGuinness reported that RHPD concluded their investigation on the Drew burglary, claiming that the swarthy robber had "probably left town." River Heights residents reported seeing the chief later at the donut shop adding liquid from a small flask to his coffee and muttering about Nancy Drew making him look bad. County internal affairs is rumored to be stepping in while the chief takes a brief paid vacation.
ADVERTISEMENT: Come one, come all and buy your life insurance policy from Ned Nickerson! Living in River Heights is dangerous--violent crime holds at 48% higher than Chicago and property crime at a whopping 89%! Your chances of being injured or even killed by one of the many criminals and sailors that reside here are simply too high to take a chance. Contact Ned Nickerson at 1-800-LV-NANCY and get your quote today!
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/13/70 12:55 p.m. A disturbance was reported at a Greek restaurant one town over. Bystanders report a man became enraged after hearing amateur dick Nancy Drew asking "too many questions" of the restaurant's proprietor. No injuries were reported or arrests made, but a basket of pita bread and large bowl of hummus and Raita was dropped as a result, costing the owner nearly ten dollars in rug cleaning fees.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/15/70 8:52 a.m. Yet another disturbance was reported at the Drew residence when a large and vicious dog attacked the teen investigator in her foyer. Live-in housekeeper, Hannah Greun, turned a hose on the dog. No serious injuries were reported, but the dog is rumored to belong to who we can now identify as the swarthy Turkish burglar, Aslanapa (a.k.a. "Nappy"). Nancy Drew has gone on record to report that she will be pursuing the "ludicrously-named criminal" to Turkey, where she will continue her search for alleged dummy defiler, Farouk Tahmasp.
RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/22/70 7:16 a.m. The River Heights Bugle just got word that girl detective Nancy Drew, having returned from one of her many lavish trips, has caught the burglar Nappy and found Farouk Tahmasp. Tahmasp has been cleared of all charges of sexual deviance and smuggling, as it turns out the "mannequin" was actually a woman posing in a store window--a woman who was, as this reporter just discovered--NOT on any paralyzing drugs or roofies. All criminal parties have been arrested by washed up police Chief McGuinness, and locals report a wedding is in the works between Farouk and the girl who played his mannequin. A strange news month indeed.
ADVERTISEMENT: Get your grub on at the famous Wagon Wheel Restaurant! The food is top notch and reports of drowning have been greatly exaggerated. River Heights teen Bess Marvin says: "The complimentary biscuits were so good, I just couldn't stop eating them! Well, until my cousin called me fat and I had to bring them into the bathroom to hide my shame. But the food was great!" One only mildly chubby teenage girl CAN'T be wrong--visit us today!!!
***************************************************************************
I could go on, but I won't. This blotter sums up the story pretty well, save for the ongoing clues found in Farouk's prayer rug. I chose to write this in blotter form because 1) it begged for it and 2) while the story was fine and moved along well, it was ultimately forgettable and a bit of a snore.
3/5 mags
Head Injuries: 1 (22 total)
Friday, February 6, 2015
Book #46: The Invisible Intruder
GHOST HUNTERS: RIVER HEIGHTS
We pan in on young Nancy Drew, our skeptic for this ghostly tale. Titian haired and primly dressed, Miss Drew doesn't believe that hauntings can be real. Much like famed skeptic Dana Scully, Nancy believes there is an earthly explanation for everything. Months (or, more accurately, decades) of solving mysteries has taught her that ghosts are usually 1) Dudes in white sheets, 2) Anything made phosphorous or 3) Projected images.
But, this time, Nancy Drew is going to find out the hard way that ghosts are real. Oh, yeah. They are VERY real...
Here are our players:
Nancy Drew: The aforementioned overly logical girl detective.
George Fayne: Doesn't think ghosts are real, but if she's wrong is totally ready to "kick some ghost ass, Judo-style." Also says "hypers!" a lot for some reason and refuses to allow her only slightly chubby cousin to eat delicious cheese corn.
Bess Marvin: The slightly chubby cousin in question. Despite being party to Nancy's constant mythbusting of local haunts, thinks ghosts are WAY real and WAY scary. She's terrified. And also really wants some bread. And also fuck George.
Ned Nickerson: Long suffering dreamboat. Constantly takes backseat to Nancy's mysteries and so becomes a part of them to spend more time with her. Recently abducted in perhaps the most racist Nancy Drew story to date.
Burt Eddleton: "Favorite date" of George even though she never seems particularly interested in him other than as a doubles partner in sports. Hilarious, but likely harbors unrequited feelings for George who is either totally asexual or in love with Nancy. I could buy either, but she just does NOT seem hetero to me.
Dave Evans: The tall, rangy regular date of Bess's. Unlike Burt, Bess seems to take him seriously as a suitor. Loves Bess for who she is but can't resist teasing her--not about her weight, though because he's not an idiot.
Helen Archer (nee Corning): Used to solve mysteries with Nancy but either the publisher decided she was boring (she kind of was) or she got married and ditched Nancy which unfortunately happens a lot in female friendships. Due to early book discrepancies, we are to understand that she either married later than originally thought or had a hot, steamy affair with the "deeply tanned" Buck Rodman.
Jim Archer: Helen's husband--a jaunty sort of fellow up for anything.
Rita Rodriguez: The requisite believer of the group. Believes she can send out vibes and find people by scrying and shit. Only Bess seems to believe her, because Bess will probably believe anyone.
Rod Rodriguez: Skeptic but also a total dick. Has, for some reason, agreed to come on the Ghosthunters expedition despite the fact that he doesn't believe any of it. Apologizes for and belittles his wife for her beliefs. Headed for divorce court any day now.
Bab and Don Hackett: Two other people in the group who I don't even remember as being part of the story. I probably got tired figuring out dialogue and started ascribing most of it to the group above. But, they won't be mentioned again.
PROMO
[creepy, child's music box music plays over our title]
Helen: Welcome, ghosthunters! Are you ready...to be scared?!
[begin night-vision lighting only]
Bess: [shrieks] I don't know if I can do this.
Ned: Holy sh&^%, what the &$#@ is that?
Rita: I can feel the spirits...
Nancy: [ominously] This is different, guys. This might be the real thing.
Bess: [screams again]
GHOSTHUNTERS!!!
Okay, guys, this book was awesome. It literally has everything. A strong, fast-paced plot, a clear and non-ludicrous motive for the villains, and utilization of all the great characters. Even though I found her a bit dull in the earlier books, I liked that Helen Corning Archer came back instead of simply making up a bunch of new friends.
The story starts without delay--Nancy and her friends have been invited by Helen to a ghost-hunting road trip. Having heard about several local hauntings, they want to check it out for themselves, either seeing a ghost or debunking the story. First up is a ghostly canoe that rows itself at a local camp. Though the ghost hunters see the inexplicable canoe with their own eyes, Nancy remains--as ever--sure that there is an explanation. Of course, she's completely right. DAMN YOU, NANCY!!!!!!!
The gang finds that the canoe is mechanized to row itself, with some staging to give it the illusion of being ghostly. Nancy also discovers that the owner of the lakeside camp/resort has been losing business because of the ghostly canoe and a shady-looking couple named the Prizers have been trying to force him to sell at a low price. After Nancy and the group solve the mystery of the canoe, the owner finally has the courage to say no, and that is the end of the case of the canoe and the nefarious low-balling...OR IS IT?
The group is on their way to their next destination, another haunted guesthouse, when they stop in to see a fortune teller and medium Madame Tarantella. She immediately tells Nancy the story of her life (she sometimes foregoes living her life for these mysteries and it may affect her social life one day) and Nancy is rightly suspicious. Because how on earth (in Nancy's world when fortune tellers are fake) would this woman know so much about her? Madame Tarantella tries to prove her skills by doing a reading for Bess. She clearly takes one look at her girly-girl outfit and timid attitude and surmises that she's waiting around for a husband to take care of her. However, when the medium tells Bess she will be married soon, Bess has a totally understandable freakout that she and Dave will get married before he graduates college and they can take care of themselves. Poor Bess is teased for days in front of Dave, who is utterly clueless.
Madame Tarantella, who seems to trust Nancy, asks her to look after a bunch of papers for her and promptly disappears, leading us to wonder if the fortune teller is a villain...or a victim. Soon thereafter, Ned is abducted (likely by the Prizers' gang) but soon finds a way to escape. Poor Ned just keeps getting abducted.
At the next haunted location, The Red Barn Guesthouse, the gang finds that the owner, Mrs. Hodge, has also been strong-armed by a couple into considering selling her guest house at a low price. The constant appearance of a ghostly horse and rider has scared all of her guests away and she doesn't know what to do. At this point, Nancy is pretty sure that the Prizers are responsible for all of these local hauntings in an effort to get cheap land, so she works diligently to debunk the myth. Unfortunately, the Prizers are starting to get mega-pissed that every owner they've talked to is now stubbornly refusing to sell because of Nancy and her ghosthunting pals. Getting desperate, they ransack Mrs. Hodge's private room and steal the deed to the house.
C'mon, guys. That's not how you steal a house. Unless you also plan to skin Mrs. Hodge and adopt her identity it's not going to happen.
At the gang's next stop, they meet Mr. Warfield. An old friend of Carson Drew, Mr. Warfield owns an inn that has recently been dogged with rumors and sightings of a ghostly soldier. Unsurprisingly, it sounds like the Prizers have also made a paltry offer on the place. Are we sure these guys are the Prizers and not, like, the Hiltons? This sounds like the kind of dirty deed a hotel conglomerate would do dirt cheap--that's all I'm saying.
The mystery concludes with excitement, when Nancy, Ned, Jim and Helen are trapped in a local museum of skulls by one of the members of the gang. Using misdirection, the small group is able to trick the villain (Jeffers, a local servant who got mixed up with the Prizers' scheme) and trap him in the very cage they had been locked in. Soon enough, the gang reunites and the police are able to arrest the Prizers and their confederates, including the total liar, Madame Tarantella.
Madame Tarantella admits that, although she hates Nancy for ruining their scheme, she admires her for her abilities. She asks her to continue to look over her paperwork while she is imprisoned so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Nancy is like "HELLS NO!" and they all head home. Real estate values are back where they should be and there is nary a ghost in sight because...
...say it with me: IT IS NEVER ACTUALLY A HAUNTING.
I loved this one. 5/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
We pan in on young Nancy Drew, our skeptic for this ghostly tale. Titian haired and primly dressed, Miss Drew doesn't believe that hauntings can be real. Much like famed skeptic Dana Scully, Nancy believes there is an earthly explanation for everything. Months (or, more accurately, decades) of solving mysteries has taught her that ghosts are usually 1) Dudes in white sheets, 2) Anything made phosphorous or 3) Projected images.
But, this time, Nancy Drew is going to find out the hard way that ghosts are real. Oh, yeah. They are VERY real...
Here are our players:
Nancy Drew: The aforementioned overly logical girl detective.
George Fayne: Doesn't think ghosts are real, but if she's wrong is totally ready to "kick some ghost ass, Judo-style." Also says "hypers!" a lot for some reason and refuses to allow her only slightly chubby cousin to eat delicious cheese corn.
Bess Marvin: The slightly chubby cousin in question. Despite being party to Nancy's constant mythbusting of local haunts, thinks ghosts are WAY real and WAY scary. She's terrified. And also really wants some bread. And also fuck George.
Ned Nickerson: Long suffering dreamboat. Constantly takes backseat to Nancy's mysteries and so becomes a part of them to spend more time with her. Recently abducted in perhaps the most racist Nancy Drew story to date.
Burt Eddleton: "Favorite date" of George even though she never seems particularly interested in him other than as a doubles partner in sports. Hilarious, but likely harbors unrequited feelings for George who is either totally asexual or in love with Nancy. I could buy either, but she just does NOT seem hetero to me.
Dave Evans: The tall, rangy regular date of Bess's. Unlike Burt, Bess seems to take him seriously as a suitor. Loves Bess for who she is but can't resist teasing her--not about her weight, though because he's not an idiot.
Helen Archer (nee Corning): Used to solve mysteries with Nancy but either the publisher decided she was boring (she kind of was) or she got married and ditched Nancy which unfortunately happens a lot in female friendships. Due to early book discrepancies, we are to understand that she either married later than originally thought or had a hot, steamy affair with the "deeply tanned" Buck Rodman.
Jim Archer: Helen's husband--a jaunty sort of fellow up for anything.
Rita Rodriguez: The requisite believer of the group. Believes she can send out vibes and find people by scrying and shit. Only Bess seems to believe her, because Bess will probably believe anyone.
Rod Rodriguez: Skeptic but also a total dick. Has, for some reason, agreed to come on the Ghosthunters expedition despite the fact that he doesn't believe any of it. Apologizes for and belittles his wife for her beliefs. Headed for divorce court any day now.
Bab and Don Hackett: Two other people in the group who I don't even remember as being part of the story. I probably got tired figuring out dialogue and started ascribing most of it to the group above. But, they won't be mentioned again.
PROMO
[creepy, child's music box music plays over our title]
Helen: Welcome, ghosthunters! Are you ready...to be scared?!
[begin night-vision lighting only]
Bess: [shrieks] I don't know if I can do this.
Ned: Holy sh&^%, what the &$#@ is that?
Rita: I can feel the spirits...
Nancy: [ominously] This is different, guys. This might be the real thing.
Bess: [screams again]
GHOSTHUNTERS!!!
Okay, guys, this book was awesome. It literally has everything. A strong, fast-paced plot, a clear and non-ludicrous motive for the villains, and utilization of all the great characters. Even though I found her a bit dull in the earlier books, I liked that Helen Corning Archer came back instead of simply making up a bunch of new friends.
The story starts without delay--Nancy and her friends have been invited by Helen to a ghost-hunting road trip. Having heard about several local hauntings, they want to check it out for themselves, either seeing a ghost or debunking the story. First up is a ghostly canoe that rows itself at a local camp. Though the ghost hunters see the inexplicable canoe with their own eyes, Nancy remains--as ever--sure that there is an explanation. Of course, she's completely right. DAMN YOU, NANCY!!!!!!!
The gang finds that the canoe is mechanized to row itself, with some staging to give it the illusion of being ghostly. Nancy also discovers that the owner of the lakeside camp/resort has been losing business because of the ghostly canoe and a shady-looking couple named the Prizers have been trying to force him to sell at a low price. After Nancy and the group solve the mystery of the canoe, the owner finally has the courage to say no, and that is the end of the case of the canoe and the nefarious low-balling...OR IS IT?
The group is on their way to their next destination, another haunted guesthouse, when they stop in to see a fortune teller and medium Madame Tarantella. She immediately tells Nancy the story of her life (she sometimes foregoes living her life for these mysteries and it may affect her social life one day) and Nancy is rightly suspicious. Because how on earth (in Nancy's world when fortune tellers are fake) would this woman know so much about her? Madame Tarantella tries to prove her skills by doing a reading for Bess. She clearly takes one look at her girly-girl outfit and timid attitude and surmises that she's waiting around for a husband to take care of her. However, when the medium tells Bess she will be married soon, Bess has a totally understandable freakout that she and Dave will get married before he graduates college and they can take care of themselves. Poor Bess is teased for days in front of Dave, who is utterly clueless.
Madame Tarantella, who seems to trust Nancy, asks her to look after a bunch of papers for her and promptly disappears, leading us to wonder if the fortune teller is a villain...or a victim. Soon thereafter, Ned is abducted (likely by the Prizers' gang) but soon finds a way to escape. Poor Ned just keeps getting abducted.
At the next haunted location, The Red Barn Guesthouse, the gang finds that the owner, Mrs. Hodge, has also been strong-armed by a couple into considering selling her guest house at a low price. The constant appearance of a ghostly horse and rider has scared all of her guests away and she doesn't know what to do. At this point, Nancy is pretty sure that the Prizers are responsible for all of these local hauntings in an effort to get cheap land, so she works diligently to debunk the myth. Unfortunately, the Prizers are starting to get mega-pissed that every owner they've talked to is now stubbornly refusing to sell because of Nancy and her ghosthunting pals. Getting desperate, they ransack Mrs. Hodge's private room and steal the deed to the house.
C'mon, guys. That's not how you steal a house. Unless you also plan to skin Mrs. Hodge and adopt her identity it's not going to happen.
At the gang's next stop, they meet Mr. Warfield. An old friend of Carson Drew, Mr. Warfield owns an inn that has recently been dogged with rumors and sightings of a ghostly soldier. Unsurprisingly, it sounds like the Prizers have also made a paltry offer on the place. Are we sure these guys are the Prizers and not, like, the Hiltons? This sounds like the kind of dirty deed a hotel conglomerate would do dirt cheap--that's all I'm saying.
The mystery concludes with excitement, when Nancy, Ned, Jim and Helen are trapped in a local museum of skulls by one of the members of the gang. Using misdirection, the small group is able to trick the villain (Jeffers, a local servant who got mixed up with the Prizers' scheme) and trap him in the very cage they had been locked in. Soon enough, the gang reunites and the police are able to arrest the Prizers and their confederates, including the total liar, Madame Tarantella.
Madame Tarantella admits that, although she hates Nancy for ruining their scheme, she admires her for her abilities. She asks her to continue to look over her paperwork while she is imprisoned so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Nancy is like "HELLS NO!" and they all head home. Real estate values are back where they should be and there is nary a ghost in sight because...
...say it with me: IT IS NEVER ACTUALLY A HAUNTING.
I loved this one. 5/5 mags.
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
Friday, January 23, 2015
Book #45: The Spider Sapphire Mystery
TW/CW: This one has a SHITLOAD of racial slurs. Really bad. I can't believe this is the "new, gentler" version. But I guess it is the 1960's.
It's time, guys. Time for the most ludicrous villain name in Nancy Drew history. More head-scratching than Mortimer Bartesque, El Gato or even Snorky...it's time for ...SWAHILI JOE! Notice I say most ludicrous though, not best. Why? Because somehow even this name manages racism, like so many things about this book.
Yes, our story starts out with Nancy and her friends (including a group from Emerson with Ned, Burt, and Dave) heading out for a safari in Africa. Before she goes, however, she learns of a mysterious stolen spider sapphire and Ned is kidnapped!
Oh no! Not NED!
In much faster course than I remember, however, Ned is found after Bess decodes a cryptic call and figures out he's being held in a pear orchard. He reveals that his captor is none other than...SWAHILI JOE!
Is there anything more problematic than naming someone, even a villain, after the language they speak as if it's a neon sign over their head that says: "Hey! I'm different from this white teen detective and her crew of white friends!" I feel like I'll be able to tell you after this review.
Anyhoo, Swahili Joe is clearly the villain of the book due to his redonkulous name. Working with him are two "Indian Blacks" named Jahan and Dhan. Really? Indian Blacks? Well, if you think that's bad, it gets worse. The book goes on to whitesplain the difference between different kinds of Black people in a way that has me ducking out the bathroom to barf. Was it the shellfish, or the unendurable racism in this book? Well, I didn't eat shellfish, so...
Yeah. O. M. G.
The usually cringe-worthy racial terms in Nancy Drew books really threw me through a loop in this one. It was all I could do to get through the first 75 or so pages, when the terminology was the worst. Dude, Stratemeyer syndicate. These are NOT the preferred nomenclatures. They're all from Africa. Just call them African (or Kenyan, or Ethiopian, whatever their country of origin is if known). Not too hard. I feel the need to reiterate, I am AWARE this is a sign of the times. I don't think we should hide that, or whitewash our own racism. But, that being said, it needs to be pointed out. Because if I'm going to be recommending these books to kids, that IS relevant.
Anyhoo, after drowning in a sea of racisms, I'm back on track. Before Nancy and the gang head out on safari, two very important things happen. First, they are able to see an African (I don't know which country she's from because apparently the Syndicate doesn't care) opera singer perform locally before they leave. The woman, Lilia, explains that she is using all of her tour money to find her lost brother, who was rumored to be mauled while on a job in Mombasa but she believes to be alive.
Another mystery...do you think they'll tie together?
The second piece is that they are introduced to their safari group, including several Emerson students and one Gwen Taylor, a histrionic girl who wears a blonde wig over her brown hair. Why she would wear a wig and not just dye her hair I don't know. She quickly shows herself to be the resident pain-in-the-ass of the book by shrieking that her father will sue the safari company and insisting that the guides retrieve the fancy camera she dropped into a bed of wild animals. Yikes. Even Gwen's boyfriend seems sick of her shenanigans. Of course, while the rest of the group has totally written her off as a spoiled brat, Bess sees a mystery only she can solve. The mystery of a girl who is so insecure thinking that she needs to be blonde that she turns into a total asshole. When a baboon grabs Gwen's wig right off of her head (yes, you read correctly, THAT HAPPENED) and waves it about in a comical gesture, finally tossing it in the mud, Bess sees her chance. She gives Gwen a total makeover, showing her how pretty her dark hair can be and, quite suddenly, Gwen is a totally different person. While I find the idea that a makeover can totally change your persona utter bullshit, my being raised amongst 1990's makeover montages makes me let it go.
Suddenly, Gwen is the best of friends with all the girls. At their safari resort (really? there were resorts in Africa and a small liberal-arts university group can pay for that?) the girls all put on a water ballet while the boys clap. And, when Nancy. Bess and George's clothes are burned by the villains (as if that would stop them), Gwen happily loans them her clothes. Of course, they have to get loaner shoes from all the girls as there are "no sensible heels for sale in Africa." And now I'm side-eyeing the book.
A good chunk of the book covers the group's experience in Africa, which is actually quite fun. There's only little snippets of the mystery but....oh, wait. I forgot the best part. When the girls are looking at a group of wild animals over the balcony, George is kidnapped by a baboon as his primate bride! She is carried off quite a ways before she notices that it is a man wearing a baboon suit. She wrenches the head of the costume and he drops her. But not before she sees that the man is...SWAHILI JOE!
And then Kate's horrified expression froze on her face forever.
The mystery gets more convoluted as they find out that Lilia's long-lost brother, Taizam, did survive the lion attack but is missing...and he might be in league with Swahili Joe! When the girls track down Mr. Tangor, the man from whom the spider sapphire was stolen, he tells them that the missing guide was involved in the crime. Not wanting to believe it, the girls suspect Mr. Tangor for a time, but eventually clear him of any skulduggery.
Once the group arrives in a town, they take in the African culture. Nancy even has a local man make a "death mask," which is a mask of one's face so that their loved ones will have something to comfort them in case of an early demise. A little dark, but the mortality rate is likely higher in this small village so it makes a certain amount of sense. He gives Nancy the mask for free, revealing that there is a secret compartment in the eye sockets where one can hide jewels or valuables to prevent their theft during a home robbery. I normally wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph of the review to this, but you'll see why I did in a bit.
The girls finally find Taizam, who has been suffering from amnesia since his experience. In an absurd turn, Nancy is able to snap him out of his amnesia forever by simply singing the Swahili lullabye (oh that's right, Nancy can sing beautifully in Swahili now BTW) that his sister used to sing him. This is the craziest amnesia turnaround since The Ringmaster's Secret. Either way, the girls get the best clue yet from Taizam once he remembers his recent past. He was almost mauled after he caught the gang stealing the spider sapphire. Nancy and the gang realize that Jahan and Dhan must have started the rumor that Taizam was responsible to keep their own dirty affairs under wraps. Taizam remembers them mentioning an old dungeon and Vasco de Gama, so our detectives set off to find it. Once they find the dungeon, Nancy locates the spider sapphire, cleverly tucking it into the eye socket compartment of her death mask for safe keeping (see! I told you the death mask was important. So, when the evil Jahad and Dhan show up, brandishing whips, she is ready.
Not to be taken down easily, Nancy completely throws the men off their game by explaining their crime to them (Poirot-style). Somehow, in the course of the last day, she has put together the whole thing. The two men are not working for Swahili Joe, but a man named Rhim Rhao, who had been pretending to be a trusted contact of Mr. Tangor. Swahili Joe was just a pawn in all of this.
Fortunately, they are able to take the men down and track down Rhim Rhao who was very surprised to be arrested for his clever cover-up. The mystery is solved, but Nancy is already jonesing for a new one. She'll have to wait until The Invisible Intruder.
This book was great in parts, but the "holy shit!" racism in this really pulled me out of the story, and thus gets a full 2-3 mags taken off. Although this could have been 4, this one gets 2 out of 5 mags.
2/5
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
Racisms: Too many to count
Most problematic villain name: Swahili Joe
It's time, guys. Time for the most ludicrous villain name in Nancy Drew history. More head-scratching than Mortimer Bartesque, El Gato or even Snorky...it's time for ...SWAHILI JOE! Notice I say most ludicrous though, not best. Why? Because somehow even this name manages racism, like so many things about this book.
Yes, our story starts out with Nancy and her friends (including a group from Emerson with Ned, Burt, and Dave) heading out for a safari in Africa. Before she goes, however, she learns of a mysterious stolen spider sapphire and Ned is kidnapped!
Oh no! Not NED!
In much faster course than I remember, however, Ned is found after Bess decodes a cryptic call and figures out he's being held in a pear orchard. He reveals that his captor is none other than...SWAHILI JOE!
Is there anything more problematic than naming someone, even a villain, after the language they speak as if it's a neon sign over their head that says: "Hey! I'm different from this white teen detective and her crew of white friends!" I feel like I'll be able to tell you after this review.
Anyhoo, Swahili Joe is clearly the villain of the book due to his redonkulous name. Working with him are two "Indian Blacks" named Jahan and Dhan. Really? Indian Blacks? Well, if you think that's bad, it gets worse. The book goes on to whitesplain the difference between different kinds of Black people in a way that has me ducking out the bathroom to barf. Was it the shellfish, or the unendurable racism in this book? Well, I didn't eat shellfish, so...
Yeah. O. M. G.
The usually cringe-worthy racial terms in Nancy Drew books really threw me through a loop in this one. It was all I could do to get through the first 75 or so pages, when the terminology was the worst. Dude, Stratemeyer syndicate. These are NOT the preferred nomenclatures. They're all from Africa. Just call them African (or Kenyan, or Ethiopian, whatever their country of origin is if known). Not too hard. I feel the need to reiterate, I am AWARE this is a sign of the times. I don't think we should hide that, or whitewash our own racism. But, that being said, it needs to be pointed out. Because if I'm going to be recommending these books to kids, that IS relevant.
Anyhoo, after drowning in a sea of racisms, I'm back on track. Before Nancy and the gang head out on safari, two very important things happen. First, they are able to see an African (I don't know which country she's from because apparently the Syndicate doesn't care) opera singer perform locally before they leave. The woman, Lilia, explains that she is using all of her tour money to find her lost brother, who was rumored to be mauled while on a job in Mombasa but she believes to be alive.
Another mystery...do you think they'll tie together?
The second piece is that they are introduced to their safari group, including several Emerson students and one Gwen Taylor, a histrionic girl who wears a blonde wig over her brown hair. Why she would wear a wig and not just dye her hair I don't know. She quickly shows herself to be the resident pain-in-the-ass of the book by shrieking that her father will sue the safari company and insisting that the guides retrieve the fancy camera she dropped into a bed of wild animals. Yikes. Even Gwen's boyfriend seems sick of her shenanigans. Of course, while the rest of the group has totally written her off as a spoiled brat, Bess sees a mystery only she can solve. The mystery of a girl who is so insecure thinking that she needs to be blonde that she turns into a total asshole. When a baboon grabs Gwen's wig right off of her head (yes, you read correctly, THAT HAPPENED) and waves it about in a comical gesture, finally tossing it in the mud, Bess sees her chance. She gives Gwen a total makeover, showing her how pretty her dark hair can be and, quite suddenly, Gwen is a totally different person. While I find the idea that a makeover can totally change your persona utter bullshit, my being raised amongst 1990's makeover montages makes me let it go.
Suddenly, Gwen is the best of friends with all the girls. At their safari resort (really? there were resorts in Africa and a small liberal-arts university group can pay for that?) the girls all put on a water ballet while the boys clap. And, when Nancy. Bess and George's clothes are burned by the villains (as if that would stop them), Gwen happily loans them her clothes. Of course, they have to get loaner shoes from all the girls as there are "no sensible heels for sale in Africa." And now I'm side-eyeing the book.
A good chunk of the book covers the group's experience in Africa, which is actually quite fun. There's only little snippets of the mystery but....oh, wait. I forgot the best part. When the girls are looking at a group of wild animals over the balcony, George is kidnapped by a baboon as his primate bride! She is carried off quite a ways before she notices that it is a man wearing a baboon suit. She wrenches the head of the costume and he drops her. But not before she sees that the man is...SWAHILI JOE!
And then Kate's horrified expression froze on her face forever.
The mystery gets more convoluted as they find out that Lilia's long-lost brother, Taizam, did survive the lion attack but is missing...and he might be in league with Swahili Joe! When the girls track down Mr. Tangor, the man from whom the spider sapphire was stolen, he tells them that the missing guide was involved in the crime. Not wanting to believe it, the girls suspect Mr. Tangor for a time, but eventually clear him of any skulduggery.
Once the group arrives in a town, they take in the African culture. Nancy even has a local man make a "death mask," which is a mask of one's face so that their loved ones will have something to comfort them in case of an early demise. A little dark, but the mortality rate is likely higher in this small village so it makes a certain amount of sense. He gives Nancy the mask for free, revealing that there is a secret compartment in the eye sockets where one can hide jewels or valuables to prevent their theft during a home robbery. I normally wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph of the review to this, but you'll see why I did in a bit.
The girls finally find Taizam, who has been suffering from amnesia since his experience. In an absurd turn, Nancy is able to snap him out of his amnesia forever by simply singing the Swahili lullabye (oh that's right, Nancy can sing beautifully in Swahili now BTW) that his sister used to sing him. This is the craziest amnesia turnaround since The Ringmaster's Secret. Either way, the girls get the best clue yet from Taizam once he remembers his recent past. He was almost mauled after he caught the gang stealing the spider sapphire. Nancy and the gang realize that Jahan and Dhan must have started the rumor that Taizam was responsible to keep their own dirty affairs under wraps. Taizam remembers them mentioning an old dungeon and Vasco de Gama, so our detectives set off to find it. Once they find the dungeon, Nancy locates the spider sapphire, cleverly tucking it into the eye socket compartment of her death mask for safe keeping (see! I told you the death mask was important. So, when the evil Jahad and Dhan show up, brandishing whips, she is ready.
Not to be taken down easily, Nancy completely throws the men off their game by explaining their crime to them (Poirot-style). Somehow, in the course of the last day, she has put together the whole thing. The two men are not working for Swahili Joe, but a man named Rhim Rhao, who had been pretending to be a trusted contact of Mr. Tangor. Swahili Joe was just a pawn in all of this.
Fortunately, they are able to take the men down and track down Rhim Rhao who was very surprised to be arrested for his clever cover-up. The mystery is solved, but Nancy is already jonesing for a new one. She'll have to wait until The Invisible Intruder.
This book was great in parts, but the "holy shit!" racism in this really pulled me out of the story, and thus gets a full 2-3 mags taken off. Although this could have been 4, this one gets 2 out of 5 mags.
2/5
Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)
Racisms: Too many to count
Most problematic villain name: Swahili Joe
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