tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60005195592849270132024-03-13T08:08:17.840-07:00 The Nancy Drew ProjectThere are approximately twelve billion Nancy Drew books, released over the course of nearly a century. But many of us remember the original “yellow books,” 56 titles in the Grosset & Dunlap series.
Of course, I know that any decent Nancy Drew Wikia can give you a summary of the books. However, I am choosing to review each books as an adult, and a pop-culture referencing maven. Let the project begin!K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.comBlogger58125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-31756358651795678592018-07-25T08:52:00.000-07:002018-07-25T08:52:48.429-07:00The G&D Nancy DREW Project is COMPLETE!Thanks, all, so much for reading. While the Nancy Drew project of the original Grosset & Dunlap series is finished, please check back for my upcoming "fave" reviews, starting with the wonderful book #85: <i>The Secret of Shady Glen, </i>and moving towards the most recent series books, <i>The Nancy Drew Diaries</i> and even the graphic novels. As my man Mickey Mouse would say: "See you REAL soon!"<br />
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<img height="476" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/2bqcYUpaigTV1NTiExR3s5t0xj8jW_CGQGmXb5QrscRnCChVUeC1CvmVPxDkUWsCLHSPtJxLk6CuE8iZMXE5DAPyasc_kkvAHXnbl11jMJTvnLYNBx2QNd8n2dpLoup-22WRQ3JafOFQiV1obTSTLrCdYTdMAOK1xAssL5NBEO9Zv6czyQ2YwE9r0S3uOHP27gTQmyyJj3stBRL1V0--SIS6fGs6DdHOpskFskUVu8yMsMI1xXfhq82QKEgzDhHFfE8j3muothasWCetOSm4UhgKkVp1goAOzXHdJ-cw3Iaw757bg3TKo13aLzpB0Bf24Ij9dqGxNR2oW5PJ13eR9-EyOpdJovzGQrQE02cl-X1cxlwpjIjRkSIun3-M5pqlKjp07OUFRaB6lhTWsBTC-HyGLHWgDOXtcReFndZoMQjn6xY45S7rlDK7pBX4H50xu3ptZ6-W7VWSPOL9I-rM5i8IwSp6551kWPCOsYK24jN3G22YxgkJ3w1IMVxxydgVc0FrROVMlG_lVS3Y6ZKEEapk6QacR1kuZXEiRXrb7AOXL9thYiRD3-qJqoSZrS3b1mCI8LTreAtYZuEcCS_n4DsQvGtKZFXxwmGoqGOO=w1198-h898-no" width="640" />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-66855442570923278202018-07-25T08:47:00.004-07:002018-07-25T08:54:27.495-07:00Book #56: The Thirteenth Pearl<h3 class="graf graf--h3" name="4de3">
<a class="markup--anchor markup--h3-anchor" data-href="http://thenancydrewproject.blogspot.com/" href="http://thenancydrewproject.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener noopener" target="_blank">The Nancy Drew Project</a>: Nancy Drew reviews by a pop-culture obsessed and F-bomb dropping madwoman: Book #56 The Thirteenth Pearl</h3>
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TW/CW: Deals with racial stereotypes/slurs</div>
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Oh, crap. Where to start? I really wish that this wasn’t the last Nancy Drew to review in the O.G. project, because it’s gonna be bad, guys. But I guess that just means I’ll have to keep up with reviewing my favorites over the years. When I first opened this book, I was pretty sure how this review would go from the opening summary (below)…</div>
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So, yeah. Basically this whole mystery starts because a jeweler, Mr. Moto (the most sympathetic person in the book, but definitely relegated to stereotype and also fits of fainting) is robbed. A “clever” crook has stolen the titular thirteenth pearl off a rich white lady’s necklace and he’s afraid that the insurance payout will shut down his business. Unfortunately, I don’t have the strong sense that this guy will make it as a jeweler, considering that when Nancy et. al. show up, ANOTHER dude has just robbed his place while he stepped into the back, leaving his merchandise unprotected. I mean…I love you Mr. Moto, but if this was “America’s Next Top Jeweler,” Tyra would be giving you your walking papers by now.</div>
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What ensues is a mystery that, like many others in the series, entails the villains seemingly chasing the Drews from place to place. Carson and Nancy go to Japan to investigate the possible dirty dealings of World Wide Gems and the disappearance of the rich white lady, Mrs. Rossmeyer, but most of the mystery seems to be the “slippery Italian” (sigh) criminal, Benny Caputo jumping out at them and yelling “Hey! Don’t investigate us!” Not the right method, dude. And now Nancy is even more convinced that some criminal ring has infiltrated World Wide Gems.</div>
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During the whole book, I periodically find myself wondering why I should care that ONE of this rich lady’s abundance of jewels was stolen, but then I remember Mr. Moto. Most of this mystery is too scattered to create a focus; while World Wide Gems is definitely at the center of it, the numerous disguises and elaborate fake pearl cult have me scratching my head at the end. Like, I <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">get </em>it. In the beginner’s manual <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">So You’ve Decided to Infiltrate an International Gem Company </em>[oh, if only this was a book!]<em class="markup--em markup--p-em">, </em>they tell you that you might need a cover story. But a fake pearl cult? I mean, did they have to register as a religion? How did they recruit followers? It seems like they had to use an awful lot of jewels to recruit people. Doesn’t that negate the money they’re making? Why expend all of this effort getting a rando criminal chick to impersonate Mrs. Rossmeyer (because the real Mrs. Rossmeyer is either in Paris shopping or dead in a gutter — I really don’t care at this point) just to steal what seems like INDIVIDUAL gems, one at a time?</div>
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These criminals don’t seem very smart.</div>
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So, now that I’ve dealt with the mystery critique…HOLY SHIT THE RACISM. Look. It’s clear that whoever wrote this book did a lot of research on Japan. A lot of the information was <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">factually</em> correct. However, they clearly read a book called <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">An Old White Colonist Dude-Bro’s Hot Take on Wacky Japanese Culture </em>and based it all on that because…HOLY SHIT. THE RACISM. As referenced above, there is actual yellowface in this book, which I don’t feel qualified to truly take on as a white lady, but I will tell you it’s BAD. Nancy dresses as a Japanese girl to blend in and spy on people, and she is essentially dressed as a geisha. She balks at the “weird” food put in front of her and giggles at the crazy customs over in Japan. Oh, Nancy…you’re better that this. Or ARE you?</div>
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At one point, Nancy and her friends are chasing a criminal and ask a local for a description. They are, and I quote “thrilled” when the criminal is described as Italian, and I have to tell you (even though this was back when Italian folks like myself were just starting to be considered white) I was thrilled too. I was actually physically relieved that this Italian criminal would buffer me from the relentless racism towards East Asian people for another few pages. And see how problematic my response is? Because on some level, my instinct is “I wish these books were filled with more white people so I won’t have this face (pictured below) frozen in terror for the rest of the book.”</div>
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And that, boys and girls, is how white guilt makes the lack of diversity in literature even <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">worse</em>. We’re so desperate to be blameless and not to be criticized that we just don’t try. As awful as the depictions in these books are, we need to learn from them, not just whitewash characters from different backgrounds. Because our COMFORT should not come with this price tag.</div>
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Whew. Okay, I know I got HELLSA ranty for a Nancy Drew review for a second. But…needed to be said.</div>
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The depictions in the book are what you would expect. While some are accurate, they are presented from such a white gaze that they are inherently problematic.</div>
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I wish I could spend this book talking about the mystery, where it worked and where it fell flat, but the truth is, I could barely make it through the pages this time around. I ended up skimming just to avoid the dropping sensation in my stomach every time someone is referred to as “An Asiatic” or when Carson chuckles when their host says “Ah, so.” I wish I could tell you I was able to look at it with the critical eye of a historian, but I’m just a girl reviewing Nancy Drew (And also…[Phil Hartman voice] “I’m just a <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">caveman</em>”). I have no such objectivity. I both love these books, AND I admit they are deeply wrong in many ways. And that’s just the truth.</div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">1/5 Mags</strong></div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Head Injuries:</strong> .5 (fell after being chloroformed), 24.5 total (….and her brain would be swiss cheese by now)</div>
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<span class="graf-dropCap">I</span> hope you’ve enjoyed this ride with me. From here on out, I think I will hand pick my favorites, starting with perhaps my favorite of all time, <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">The Secret of Shady Glen</em>. See you then!</div>
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******************************************************************</div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Notes from the author: Part 56 of 56 in <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">The Nancy Drew Project</em></strong></div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Review Notes: Scores are out of 5 “mags” or magnifying glasses.</strong></div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">If you feel inclined to </strong><a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://medium.com/@kalicesandry" href="https://medium.com/@kalicesandry" target="_blank"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">read more from me</strong></a><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">, you can find my “hilarious” cancer survival tale </strong><a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://suckmyballsbreastcancer.blogspot.com/" href="https://suckmyballsbreastcancer.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener noopener" target="_blank"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">here</strong></a><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">, my </strong><a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://thenancydrewproject.blogspot.com/" href="https://thenancydrewproject.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener noopener" target="_blank"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Nancy Drew Review Project</strong></a><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong"> on Blogger and my writing in fiction form in <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">Suspense Magazine</em> and <em class="markup--em markup--p-em">The Sleuth</em>. Also, follow me on </strong><a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://medium.com/@kalicesandry" href="https://medium.com/@kalicesandry" target="_blank"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Medium</strong></a><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">, </strong><a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="http://kalicesandry/" href="http://kalicesandry/" rel="nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener noopener" target="_blank"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Instagram</strong></a><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">, and also </strong><a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://twitter.com/katealicesandry" href="https://twitter.com/katealicesandry" rel="nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener nofollow noopener noopener noopener" target="_blank"><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Twitter</strong></a><strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong"> even though it’s garbage.</strong></div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Thanks for reading!</strong></div>
K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-23822959199034720062018-07-11T09:57:00.001-07:002018-07-25T08:53:48.905-07:00Book #55: The Mystery of Crocodile IslandI should be used to this by now, but this book yet again starts with George being a ginormous douche. She brings a shoe box to the Drew house, where Bess is as well, and presents a baby crocodile (not really, but it's lifelike enough to fool Nancy, who escapes from George's mockery unscathed). When Bess freaks out, George laughs at her for like a full minute and then proceeds to George-splain Florida crocodile pet laws and the difference between alligators and crocodiles. Basically, Bess accidentally says "alligator" ONCE and George acts as though she didn't know the difference between a cat and a dog. Hmmmmm, I'm reacting to this. Is it time for another edition of "Bess Marvin: Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca?"<br />
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Just when I'm getting an eye cramp from rolling my eyes, though, George gets some major comeuppance: a call from the trick shop tells George that the shop boy SOLD HER A LIVE CROCODILE BY MISTAKE. That's right. The "plastic" crocodile is a REAL MOTHERFUCKING CROCODILE and it's now crawling around the Drew's living room.<br />
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Okay, three things here and then I promise I'll get past the first chapter. First, even though I'm a bit delighted to see George get so freaked out, I cannot believe the phone call she got. It was basically: "We sold you a real crocodile by mistake. Its name is Crocky. Bring it back NOW or we're going to put you in jail. JAIL!" Um, seriously, trick shop? First of all, why do you have live baby crocodiles at ALL? And if anyone is getting arrested, it's you. Secondly, <i>Crocky</i>? Thirdly...oh, wait, there is no thirdly. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE LIVE CROCODILES IN A TRICK SHOP?<br />
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Sigh. I'm done.<br />
Or am I?<br />
Okay, yes.<br />
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To the mystery! Carson's friend, Roger Gonzalez, is suspicious that his partners in the Crocodile Ecology Co. in Key Biscayne, are running the organization super shadily. When Nancy gets a call from "Roger Gonzalez" saying: "Hey, guys! Mystery's off. JK, y'all!" she's justifiably suspicious. Nancy, Bess, and George decide to go anyways and adopt fake names (Ann, Elizabeth and Jackie, respectively).<br />
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Unfortunately, the girls have barely arrived in Florida when, even with the disguises, they are kidnapped by a fake limo driver and locked inside a house. Nancy picks the lock (because she's s freaking pimp), and they finally make their way to the host house, owned by Carson's contacts the Cosgroves.<br />
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When they finally get to the titular Crocodile Island and start a tour with the Cosgroves' son Danny, they are warned away by a couple of "swarthy" dudes (seriously, Nancy Drew, with the dark-featured criminals again?) and Bess is once again torn a new one by an ecology tour guide when she says she doesn't like crocodiles, and torn a new NEW one when she asks to stay home and bake the next day. I mean, Bess is being <i>kind of</i> annoying in this, but seriously?<br />
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Alright, I think I know what I need to do. This isn't a Lifetime movie. This is a Twitter dogpile:<br />
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<b>@Bessluvscarbs: </b>Hi, Twitter friends! Luv u as always! But, guys? WTF with these alligators? I mean, does anything need that many teeth? And dontcha think they're a little too scary? I don't know about y'all but I'd rather stay home and bake my rockin' lemon nut cake. But only after some cheese corn, amirite guys?!<br />
<b>@GeorgenotGeorgia </b>Hey, cuz. Maybe put down the cheese corn and lose a few. Also, it's CROCODILES not alligators. Also, you suck. Delete your account SMDH.<br />
<b>@EcologyGuy</b> OMG you're like Hitler only WORSE! I can't believe you don't like crocodiles (and YES that's a picture of a CROCODILE by the way). Kill yourself. But also, wanna bang?<br />
<b>@GeorgenotGeorgia </b>[fat shaming GIF]<br />
<b>@Bessluvscarbs</b> Come on guys! Too mean. Nancy?<br />
<b> @NancyDrewGD</b> Sorry, Bess, I've got a mystery to solve. Rain check? K LUV YOU BYEEEEEE<br />
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I could go on forever, but I guess I won't because I need to point out YET ANOTHER horrifically racist element to the Nancy Drew books. In this one, a Seminole American Indian named Joe Hanze, who seems like he could be an awesome and informative character if written correctly, is relegated to "entertaining" the girls with his differences. Survey says RACIST. But, wait. What follows is a two page story told by a tour guide (pgs 113-115) about a Seminole tribe who gets blown up when they're trying to protect their land (NOT framed that way by the tour guide, by the way). The story is told from such a white perspective that, when the Seminole men are blown up, the boy scout listening says "GOOD!" and then asks after the "poor" white hero, Mr Thompson is okay. He is (Bess is relieved) but his assistant, simply referred to as "the black assistant" by the way, because even though he died protecting this rando white dude's lighthouse he can't have a name, was shot in the skirmish. Oh, but also reminder: it wasn't the rando white dude's lighthouse but actually the SEMINOLE'S lighthouse though b/c it's on their land. I'm pointing all of this out not just out of outrage (of which there is plenty) but because if anyone needs evidence of our history being taught to children through the lens of white colonization, read this book. Pages 113-115. Revel in your discomfort.<br />
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After the most racist story ever told, the action picks up. Ned, Dave, and Burt arrive, to the chagrin of Danny Cosgrove (who was definitely taking a shine to Bess despite her crocodile ignorance and constant screaming). Ned and Nancy end up on a submarine headed for Mexico with the criminal element siphoning money from the Crocodile Ecology Co. and the rest of the gang has to work from the island while Ned and Nancy find their way back. In a nice turn (especially after a book filled with Bess being a total female stereotype and also falling victim to white savior propaganda), Bess convinces the bad guys to confess with her softer, good-cop style, and the day is saved.<br />
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So, this one was overall entertaining, but I had to take away a full two mags because of the racism. It was just staggering. But also, seriously read it because it SO illustrates what is wrong with us.<br />
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Head injuries: 0 (13 total)<br />
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2 1/2 out of 5 mags<br />
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<b>End note: </b>Has anyone noticed that Nancy, Bess and George are basically Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup?<br />
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<b>Oh, and another end note:</b> were you all wondering what happened to the live baby crocodile, who Togo scared back into the box and was taken back to the trick shop, after the first chapter? Yeah. So am I.<br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-11584756022786728002017-08-02T10:16:00.000-07:002018-07-25T08:54:00.085-07:00Book #54: The Strange Message in the ParchmentLike most Lethal Weapon movies, an unfortunate byproduct of the times in which Nancy Drew is written is that (as I've mentioned before) the villains end up being one race of people. While I was afraid this would be the case in <i><b>The Strange Message in the Parchment</b></i>, especially with the presumed villains being Italian (my people, yo) but I soon realized that there was a lot more to it than met the eye.<br />
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Our mystery starts out with Nancy receiving a gift from an old friend, Junie, who now lives on a sheep farm a few hours away. Junie gives Nancy a fine sheepskin coat and an enticement to come solve a mystery at her parents' property, Triple Creek Farm. Apparently somehting having to do with a parchment? Nancy has barely shouted "Yes, yes...a thousand times yes!" to the mystery proposal when a young woman comes in through the back and snatches the sheepskin coat.<br />
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Okay, are these criminals insane? Shouldn't there be a circulated picture of Nancy and her home so that your general no-good ruffian can avoid her getting mixed up in their crime ring/ swindling circle/ ill-conceived kidnapping scheme? In any event, the girl turns out to be just some rando who saw Junie with the sheepskin jacket and couldn't stop herself from breaking and entering. Totally unrelated to the forthcoming evil Italians [Spoiler Alert!]<br />
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Nancy calls her dutiful boyfriend Ned Nickerson and friends Bess and George but all are busy until the weekend so Nancy decides to go on ahead with Junie to start on the case. However, Ned tells her to contact some (ITALIAN) artist named Vincenzo who might be able to help figure out the parchment's origins. Nancy soon meets Junie's parents, who implore her to solve the mystery behind the 4-block parchment painting they recently bought from a rude neighbor. A rude ITALIAN neighbor...duh duh duuuuuhhhhh!<br />
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Of course, several chapters into the mystery, and we're no closer to figuring out why this is a mystery at all. There's no treasure or inheritance to be found, just a couple of stray initials on the back of the parchment. Is the mystery where they should hang the parchment? Because Nancy's probably a bit overqualified for that. Then we spend some time touring the sheep farm, with a woozy Nancy considering vegetarianism after her tour of the slaughterhouse but then coming to the "practical" conclusion that the countryside would soon be overrun with farm animals if we didn't eat them. Yeah, keep telling yourself that when you choke down Hannah's lamp chops, Nancy. I'm sure it will help you sleep better at night. On their tour, they meet one of the Flockharts' shepherds, Eezy. He's a bible quoting, harp playing shepherd because of COURSE he is.<br />
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After a long and oddly propaganda-like scene in which Nancy and Junie make up funny rhymes about slaughtering sheep, I'm kind of in the dark. What are we solving here? Is it a crime or is it NOTHING? I'm starting to think it's nothing.<br />
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We finally meet our villain, Sal Rocco when he nearly plows into Nancy and Junie with his truck. Soon the girls do some snooping and realize that Rocco may be underpaying and taking advantage of undocumented Italian workers. In addition, a young boy named Tony lives on the farm, and Nancy has an odd hunch that he may be the young child depicted in one of the parchment paintings Mr. Rocco gave to the Flockharts. It's a pretty wild guess, but I tend to bet on Nancy in these cases.<br />
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After agonizing pages of nothing, finally something happens. A man slips into the Flockharts and snatches the parchment, while Nancy watches frozen in terror! She immediately chastises herself for not catching the crook, her confidence plummeting in a way I've never seen (or, rather, read). Nancy has almost given up the mystery (although at this point I still wonder what this case is exactly. Is it the mystery of why Mr. Rocco is a total dick?) and decided to go home when Junie and a local police officer convince her to stay.<br />
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Determined, Nancy recreates the parchment paintings perfectly because of COURSE she can (Nancy is a practically perfect in every way android, don't you recall?), bemoaning the fact that she can't follow a slim clue all the way to Rome because it's "too expensive." Uh, okay Nancy. Can't remember that stopping you before. Unfortunately, just as Nancy is finishing up the piece to show to Ned's Italian artist friend Vincenzo, two dudes run in and throw paint on it! <br />
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The robber who stole the original parchment, named Sid Zikes, is caught but much like any other criminal he's insisting "he's gots his rights." Presumably, Sid is working for Rocco. Why Rocco decided to sell this parchment thing at ALL is beyond me if all he wanted was to steal it back.<br />
<br />
Nancy and Junie head back to Rocco's farm and try to interrogate the workers but they all speak a rare Italian dialect and cannot understand the girls. They do manage to discover, however, that little Tony has run away after his uncle Rocco beat him for drawing pictures. WTF, Rocco?!<br />
<br />
Nancy and Junie find the boy, but decide to have him stay with the bible-spouting shepherd, who starts teaching him English right away (because he's got to learn if he's going to be in "these United States" Ugghhhh.) and write a note to Rocco explaining Tony's location and threatening to go to the police about the beatings. <br />
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So, yeah. This is the one where Nancy Drew kidnaps a child.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, it's in the best interest of Tony, but let's call a spade a spade here. She's a kidnapper. Two thugs also say as much when they show up with fake badges and try to arrest her for abduction, but they are working for Rocco.<br />
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After what seems like an eternity, Bess, George, Ned, Burt and Dave show up and start to pull their weight. Junie seems nice and all, but a little green in the mystery department. Within just a few pages, the gang has figured out that Rocco is running a fake union scam, collecting dues from workers seeking to earn higher wages, AND that Tony has a long lost mother in Italy. Evidently, after this poor woman's husband died, her brother in law stole her money and absconded with her infant son as well. She is also the painter of the parchment art, which depicted her husband's accident, her young boy and a self-portrait. So Rocco stole that too. <br />
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Yeah, he's really a grade-A dick. And also kind of stupid, or at least his muscle is. When Nancy and Mrs. Bolardo (Tony's mom) go to find him, Rocco's men tie them up but then just sort of leave, saying they'll be back later. Um, what? These guys have NO follow-through!<br />
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Probably the best moment of the entire book other than when Bess is forced to tour the slaughterhouse is the climax, in which Rocco hears an angry mob outside his house. He asks the police to protect him, but they're basically like "Sorry, dude, you made your bed."<br />
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After that I'm pretty sure he just got arrested, but I like to imagine the mob of duped Unioneers surrounding him and eating him like Ramsay Bolton's dogs.<br />
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This one was...okay. Pretty middle-run. Parts of it really dragged, and I felt like Nancy's characterization was sort of all over the place. But, no fat shamings so plus!<br />
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3/5 mags<br />
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<img alt="File:Looking glass Hexagonal Icon.svg" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/46/Looking_glass_Hexagonal_Icon.svg/36px-Looking_glass_Hexagonal_Icon.svg.png" style="background-color: white; color: #2d2d2d; font-family: garamond, times, serif; font-size: 14px;" /><img alt="File:Looking glass Hexagonal Icon.svg" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/46/Looking_glass_Hexagonal_Icon.svg/36px-Looking_glass_Hexagonal_Icon.svg.png" style="background-color: white; color: #2d2d2d; font-family: garamond, times, serif; font-size: 14px;" /><img alt="File:Looking glass Hexagonal Icon.svg" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/46/Looking_glass_Hexagonal_Icon.svg/36px-Looking_glass_Hexagonal_Icon.svg.png" style="background-color: white; color: #2d2d2d; font-family: garamond, times, serif; font-size: 14px;" /><br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-40198972061235657872017-07-27T13:02:00.002-07:002020-02-10T14:46:57.613-08:00Book #53: The Sky Phantom...by guest reviewer MAREN!<br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Nancy Drew: The Sky Phantom</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Or as I like to call it: Nancy Drew: Romancing a Cowboy. And I imagine it’ll have a cover that looks something like this:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">So I know there is an actual mystery that goes on in this installment, but I really feel as though the majority of the book is concern over Bess’ hot cowboy beau, and the classic soap opera decision of what she is going to do when Dave shows up! But until then, on to the actual mystery!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Despite the laughability of the Bess storyline (or maybe because of…), this is actually one of my favorite Nancy Drew installments in the original set. You open with, of course, Nancy doing something amazing (because of course she can!) In the opening scene she is flying a plane. Albeit she is taking a flying lesson, but still. And in perfect Nancy Drew fashion the mystery is alluded to within the first page of the book, even if it is semi nonchalantly. “That’s the mystery cloud, you can get lost in there it’s so big!” Of course the word “mystery” will have caught Nancy’s attention. Why is this guy seemingly ok with a “mystery cloud?” Doesn’t that seem like something they would have had someone investigate? Like, if a random cloud was in the same spot over my house all the damn time I think I would have tried to figure out what the eff was going on! I would have gotten Mulder and Scully stat!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Later, back at the farm they are all staying at, another mystery arises. Because when does a Nancy Drew novel only have ONE mystery. Spoiler: all the mysteries are ALWAYS linked. The second mystery is that the farm owner’s prize Palomino, Major, has been stolen. What dick goes around stealing someone’s horse? Hmmm the guy who stole the horse PROBABLY has something to do with the mysterious clous thingy, and also the notes sent to Nancy that, essentially, say “Hey Detective chick – GTFO!” Nancy, Bess, & George take it upon themselves to investigate by going on a horseback ride of their own. Which, of course, includes George making fun of Bess for wanting to make sure there are chicken sandwiches packed. Honestly, I tried keeping count in this book of how many times Bess gets fat shamed, but it hit like 4 in the first 23 pages and I decided it was kind of a depressing counter. But JOKES ON YOU GEORGE! Bess wins the heart of a hot cowboy. More on that later. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Most of this book finds the group on horseback tracking down parachute dudes that have gone missing, or missing planes. Which means Nancy does amazing feats like bringing down her plane in a forced safe crashed landing (why she was doing the landing while her instructor was there, I’ll never know!). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">The book does take an upswing when, halfway through, Ned, Burt, & Dave show up. They say it’s because they’re jealous of all the fun the girls are having, but I’m convinced it’s because Dave is worried about the potential for a cowboy to steal his lady </span><span style="font-family: "quattrocento sans"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">😉</span><span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">. But again, I will get to that later. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Nancy must negotiate with a kidnapper, Ben Rall, for the return of another pilot who may have stumbled on the mysterious cloud. This cloud thing gets so glossed over for most of the book that it’s infuriating. More time gets spent on riding horseback and Nancy flying than anything else. After a lot of weird roundabout investigating, Nancy and Ned discover that the “mysterious cloud” is used as a cover up for a guy who has been burying rifles and bombs in the plains. As Ned put’s it “enough to blow up the whole country!” Ok Ned, let’s not get carried away, you drama queen. They find out this guy was doing it because he was part of some revolutionary gang thing….but it’s never really explained what his long term plan was. Which, honestly, disappoints me….</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">OK THE REAL DRAMA. THE LOVE TRIANGLE BETWEEN BESS AND DAVE AND A COWBOY.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Bess, despite always being classed as the “overweight one,” is quickly sought out by a handsome cowboy that works on the same ranch. Bess TOTES appreciates that this guy is warm for her form, despite George and Nancy constantly asking about how this would effect Dave. The writing even points it out – almost painfully. When the girls find out that the boys are showing up Nancy and George happily tell Ned and Burt, respectively, that they are excited to see them. Bess kind of mumbles a response at Dave who is saying things like, “I’m counting the hours until I see you!” Man, poor Dave…When George confronts Bess about her poor phone etiquette and accuses Bess of the cowboy being in love with her. Bess shouts that maybe she’s in love with Chuck (oh yeah….cowboy dude totally has an actual name). Nothing happens with the cowboy really (maybe some light offpage kisses), but you can tell he totally digs her. Then the heat really gets turned up when the boys arrive at the ranch. Although at one point Bess reveals that Chuck wants her to stay behind at the ranch and marry him, a thought she gives some legit consideration. Whaaaat! What about Dave, Bess?!? Don’t break up the trio and trio dating happiness! Plus things get way awksies when other ranch hands start saying they are gonna “fix” Dave since he came to “steal Chuck’s gal!” Umm….dudes, Bess and Dave were a thing waaaay before, when Chuck was just a twinkling spur in his Mommy’s eye. Ok, maybe not that long, but still. Eventually Bess comes to her senses and realizes she needs to explain to Chuck that nothing will happen, that Dave is better for long term companionship. Basically, she just finds Chuck majorly hot. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">All in all this really is one of my favorite NDs. But I honestly never remember much about the mystery, just what goes on in the soap opera….</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Mystery Score: 3.5/5 Spurs</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Romance Novel Score: 5/5 Spurs</span>K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-89790215737968284682016-09-13T09:28:00.000-07:002018-07-20T14:13:19.966-07:00Book #52: The Secret of the Forgotten CityNancy vs. racially stereotyped villains...and herself<br />
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Our tale starts with Nancy helping a woman, Mrs. Wabash, who was assaulted and robbed on her way to see Nancy. Apparently, she had some mysterious and age-old stone tablets that would lead to a treasure she wanted a world-famous girl detective to help her find. However, an early entrance by our main villain, aptly named Fleetfoot Joe (because he's fast, <i>doiii</i>) stymies the young detective off the bat. Just as Mrs. Wabash is explaining the case, Nancy's friends waltz in and announce a surprise dig in Nevada where the gold is rumored to be.<br />
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Coincidence much?!!! Mrs. Wabash attempts to explain that she heard the detective was going on the dig, but I'm just not buying it this time, guys. After years of completely unbelievable serendipity, this is where I'm drawing the line. Either Mrs. Wabash is secretly evil, or I call SHENANIGANS.<br />
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Anyhow, Fleetfoot was only able to make off with one of the less important tablets, but is on Nancy right away when he discovers her involvement, trying to snatch the other tablets. At one point he grabs Togo (not TOGO!) and says he's going to shoot the dog if he doesn't get his tablets. For several harrowing hours, Nancy and her friends think Togo is laying out there shot, when he returns home good as new. Hooray! Then, because Fleetfoot Joe clearly doesn't know how to hold a captive for ransom, he sends a note after Togo's return that contains vague threats about how he <i>could</i> have shot Togo and something worse might happen if Nancy doesn't get him the stone tablet given to her by Mrs. Wabash. Uhhhh, you already didn't shoot Togo, guy. It's a little too late to ask for something in return.<br />
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Nancy, being a frikkin' level A genius, hand chips away a fake stone tablet with similar but slightly off clues. She then proceeds to age the tablet with chimney soot, and totally trick FJ into buying her charade of a tablet. However, when the boys (Ned, Burt and Dave) head to the dropoff location, they are surrounded and a spectacular kicking of asses ensues. Nancy (being an off the charts level MASTERMIND) blows a police whistle to make the thugs think the cops are rushing in, and the boys are saved. This was the best part of the book by the way, as the rest of the story pretty much blows.<br />
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The gang heads to Nevada and a rather diffuse and boring tale ensues. The only thing that brought me out of my bored haze to pay attention was the rampant and horrific racial stereotyping of Native Americans. The insinuation is clearly that people of mixed race are not to be trusted (Fleetfoot Joe is half "Indian" and, again. a villain is described in terms relative to his "darkness" of skin, eyes and expressions) and the general mockery of Native American culture. Their guide is made fun of for thinking that a white woman would be cursed for wearing a Native American artifact, and Burt does a not-so-hilarious skeleton dance in which he says "I'm from a different civilization!" in an overtly spooky voice. (Have I referenced that scene in Fututrama yet? Well, I'll do it again: "I'm not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my CRAZY PASSPORT!"). There is also an actual scene where Nancy and her friends are listening to names called over a loudspeaker in the hotel lobby and giggling at surnames like "Rainbow" and "Antler." When they meet Miss Antler, she <i><b>seems apologetic for her own name and uncomfortably takes part in her own mocking</b></i><b>. </b> It's the first scene of any Nancy Drew book where I really feel like Nancy and her friends are children. <br />
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Of course, Nancy and her pals find the gold--or was it jewels? I don't remember, with all the boredom and cultural guilt washing over me. But I need to talk about something really important. It's time for a sequel...<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: </b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin 2: </b></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Electric Boogaloo</b></span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span></i>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></i>Bess Marvin had finally thrown caution to the wind, and was preparing a grilled cob of corn with cheese in her ever-empty house, when George strode in. </div>
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"Hey, fatty," George said with her trademark sensitivity, "Pack up your clothes. We're going on a dig with Nancy and the boys, which will probably include a dangerous mystery and a lot of physical exertion."</div>
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"But, I was just..." Bess began, sighing.</div>
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"Take your cheese corn with you," George sniped. "Time to go!"</div>
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As always,, Bess complied. Even though she really didn't have the stomach for these mysteries anymore and was starting to wonder if she'd ever find any interests of her own, she loved Nancy like a sister and George was family. Tactless, bitchy family. And at least she would get to see Dave. He teased her from time to time, but seemed to enjoy her curves and femininity.</div>
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Bess had barely arrived in Nevada when George laughingly zings her again after her cousin brings up the dangers of scorpions in the desert. "You're worried about scorpions? Well, if you get bit, I'm not carrying your chunky butt back to camp so you best be careful." </div>
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She tried to ignore the remark but tears sting in her eyes. It seems like she's in a no-win situation. Whenever she eats rich food, her friends exchange glances and make snarky comments. When she's dieting, they make fun of her too. She had already schlepped her admittedly more curvaceous ass to Nevada when a 102-degree desert filled with scorpions was pretty much LAST on her list of places to visit. What more did they want?</div>
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Would she ever bee good enough for them? With only a 100-lb load would she EVER be light enough...to ride an alpaca?</div>
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***</div>
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Yep, that's right, more fat shaming. Even the narration in the book points out the hopelessness of her situation this time--the catch 22 of her being mocked for eating and dieting. At one point, Bess goes MISSING, and George suggests they all check the kitchen. <i>Really</i>, George? Is no one worried about Bess? Omigod, is Bess BARB? <br />
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<img alt="Image result for barb stranger things icon" src="https://www.unilad.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/33241UNILAD-imageoptim-Shannon-Purser-as-Barb-in-Stranger-Things.jpg" /></div>
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Okay, fortunately not. She doesn't meet with the horrible foul play of the beloved Barb. But my point should still be well taken.</div>
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The story ends with a sort of "meh" climax. Fleetfoot Joe is caught, and the gang finds the treasure. There might have been a good story in there, but it was way too watered down with fat shaming and racial stereotypes (again, minus 2 full mags for this) for me to enjoy it. This one gets 1/5 mags.<br />
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P.S. BUT BARB THOUGH!!!!<br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-3178718603841466522016-06-04T13:14:00.001-07:002018-07-20T14:05:41.747-07:00Book #51: The Mystery of the Glowing Eye<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br />James
Patterson presents </b><i><b>The Mystery of the Glowing
Eye</b></i><b>.</b> There are really some shades of
Patterson in here. Only much better written. Too bitchy?
Well, perhaps. But true.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wow.
Where to start? This ended up being one of the best
original Nancy Drew books I've ever read, and I can't believe it
wasn't on my previous favorites list. It has everything from a
cat and mouse chase to a bitchy intruder who wants to edge in on
Nancy's territory (think a lady version of Mortimer Bartescue) to a
wily and clever criminal with a funky name. Everything!!</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Our
story starts with Nancy talking with Bess and George about a case her
father mentioned in passing, something to do with a glowing eye. He
didn't have time to elaborate before his new colleague, Marty King,
tells Nancy not to bother because <i>SHE</i> has the case
covered. Poor Nancy is distraught, thinking her father may have
found someone new to help him solve mysteries. I admit I
wondered if she was overreacting a bit, but I have to remember she
never is. Marty King is a bitch with a capital B. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
girls are just comforting Nancy about this possible usurper to her
crime-solving throne when a helicopter lands on their front lawn.
Okay, this is not the first time a helicopter or small plane
has landed in their yard so I have to ask: Just how big is the Drew's
property? Obviously pretty effing big if small aircrafts are
landing there regularly. Anyway, the helicopter has no pilot,
so it's basically an early model drone. No one is in the copter
but there is a note from Ned that says "Beware of the Cyclops!"
Spooky!</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Before
the drone can take off again, Nancy and her friends tie it to the
ground with heavy rope and call for a police guard to watch it until
they can figure out if Ned has met with some kind of foul play.
Meanwhile, journalists flood Nancy's apparently epic front yard
and ask her if this is some kind of publicity stunt. It hasn't
been since Whistling Bagpipes that we've seen this kind of
action--Nancy feeling the consequences of her local (and sometimes
international) super-stardom while she's freaking out over Ned.
When Nancy finally gets away from the paps, she checks with Ned's
frat bros, including Burt and Dave, she learns that there has been a
"rumor" circulating that Ned was abducted. Um, isn't
that the kind of rumor you want to take seriously, guys? </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Overnight,
Nancy hears the helicopter flying away from her house and calls the
police. When they arrive, they find the guard knocked out in
some bushes and Hannah Gruen gasps with dismay. "How
dreadful!" she says. And then the policeman responds with
the best line I've ever heard: "Indeed it is, ma'am. And so
is <i>all </i>crime." </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">The
next day, the girls take to investigating but don't quite know where
to start. Nancy's father had mentioned a mystery concerning a
glowing eye, but still hadn't taken five minutes to explain. And
Ned's note had mentioned a cyclops--was this connected with the
glowing eye? Well, of course it is, but we don't know that yet.
While they are eating at a restaurant and George is once again
fat shaming Bess by telling her the Cyclops is a monster that feasts
on plump young ladies like herself, Nancy is shocked to see her
father sitting a few secluded booths away...with Marty King! The
two look awfully chummy, and I can't quite tell if Nancy is more
upset at the prospect of her father replacing her long-dead mother
with some 22 year-old hussy, or at the fact that this woman keeps
bragging that she's going to solve the glowing eye mystery. Since
Nancy is a proven android, I'm guessing it's the latter. Her dad,
still not divulging the details of the original mystery, gives her a
clue to check out The Anderson Museum. What is going <i>on</i>,
Carson?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">At
the museum, they are coldly received by the proprietor, Miss Wilkin.
At first she just seems like one of those stereotypical buns-up
librarian/teacher/docent who thinks all these places of knowledge
would be just perfect without the kids. But her behavior starts
to seems a little dodgy and I wonder if she has anything to do with
the mystery, particularly when she acts strangely upon showing them
the glowing eye exhibit, which was evidently created by a crazy
red-haired Emerson student named Zapp Crosson. He's also called
"Crossy," so we know he must be evil. Only Nancy Drew
villains and Best Boy Grips on movie sets have such weird nicknames.
Apparently, old Crossy disappeared at the same time Ned did.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">After
the weirdness at the museum, Nancy and the gang decide to check out
the airfield to see if anyone knows anything about a driver-less
helicopter in the area. A pilot, Glenn, offers to give them a
ride and scan the area, and they eventually discover a few clues to
Crossy's whereabouts at the airfield. The gang heads back to
the engineering lab where Ned was working on some kind of formula for
cold light (wait, wasn't that the same formula that was stolen
in <i>Mirror Bay</i>?). They are looking for clues when a
bomb goes off in the lab! The FBI comes to investigate, and
pretty much all the authorities are treating Nancy like she's Morgan
Freeman in [insert James Patterson title here], some genius
consultant who has the metaphorical keys to the case.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Mrs.
Nickerson calls on Nancy to check out some notes and files that Ned
had mailed to their house and Nancy et. al are on the move again. I
swear, the action in this book is moving so fast I keep thinking it's
almost over but we're just halfway through, dear audience. While
poring through Ned's files, Nancy asks for a large pin/chalkboard to
arrange her clues. Annnnnnddd, she's Morgan Freeman again.
Soft, ominous classical music might at well be playing as Nancy
carefully researches and puts together clues on her crime board. She
is just about to come to a conclusion when she sees a man with bright
red hair (Crossy!) on a ladder up against the Nickerson's house
copying her work! Um, what is it with criminals and their
ladders? There must be a top secret spy ladder store all these
d-bags frequent. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nancy's
revelations lead them on yet another cat and mouse search when they
follow the clues and see the driver-less helicopter above them. They
trek through a swamp and along a long path, losing the helicopter but
finding Zapp Crosson's hideout. But, there's no Crossy to be
found--and no Ned. However, Ned left a diary of his captivity
and we see Nancy start to get really freaked out about how Ned could
be maimed or even killed by this psycho. I found it a little
surprising, her being an android and all, but realized that she, like
Data, might have an emotion chip.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nancy's
distress is compounded when she keeps trying to track down her father
for more information about the case, now that she is sure the glowing
eye and Ned's abduction are connected, and his secretary always
announces he is out at various meals with Marty King. At one
point she even calls her own home and Marty answers, saying she's
preparing dinner for Carson. Um, is this woman responsible for
Mr. Drew's diet now? Marty again humble brags about her contact
in the glowing eye case and Nancy starts to wonder if her contact has
been Zapp Crosson all along. She describes her contact as
someone who would like to be her boyfriend but "she likes someone else
better." Carson?!!! Whoa, Nancy, You might
have to take this bitch all the WAY downtown.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now
that Nancy has put together the possible connection between Marty and
Crossy, she wants to track her down right away but remembers that she
had a helicopter date with Glenn, the pilot from the airfield. Whoa,
slow down, Are you making dates with handsome pilots while Ned
is chained to a wall somewhere? Nancy decides to have Glenn
copter her over to where Marty is. Because apparently that's a
perfectly reasonable method of transport now, at least in this story.
Can I start coptering to Target when I need to run errands?
That would certainly be easier than driving in Bay Area
traffic. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">When
Nancy reaches Marty, she interrogates her LIKE A FRIKKIN' BOSS.
Every time Marty goes off on a tangent, Nancy just sternly
repeats her question, until the bee-yotch finally cracks. Marty
admits that Crosson has been feeding her information because he wants
to get close to her. She tells Nancy Crosson might even have
several more hideouts, including one at the museum. Nancy
basically mic-drops and leaves the room, because her work is done.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nancy
and Glenn casually helicopter on over to the museum and Nancy checks
out the glowing eye exhibit again, to the chagrin of the crusty old
docent Miss Wilkin, who seems irritated that she's returned. At
one point, Nancy gets pinned between a secret sliding door and the
old bitch seems more upset that she's messing with the exhibit than
that Nancy nearly lost an arm. Okay, this woman is definitely
involved. Glenn helps out by massaging Nancy's hand and arm and
I'm starting to get uncomfortable. Who is this GLENN, really?
And people keep reacting with raised eyebrows when Nancy brings
him around. Is this guy. like, super sexy? What kind of
sexy guy is named GLENN? All I can think about is poor Ned, captive
and probably starving, calling out Nancy's name weakly while she's
off gallivanting with some cartoonishly sexy pilot named frikkin'
GLENN. Of course, GLENN offers to chauffeur her around some
more, coyly saying at the end of the day that if she ever needs his
help again, he'll "come flying in" to save the day. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ughhh.
Buh-bye, Glenn. See you never.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">When
Nancy finally remembers she's in a committed relationship, she hooks
up with Bess, George, Burt and Dave again to resume their search.
They discover that Miss Wilkin has suddenly resigned and everyone heads back to the museum, finding that more than a little
suspicious. As it turns out, they are 100% right. When
they investigate the sliding door that had pinned Nancy earlier, they
find that it opens into a secret room, one that Crossy has been
hiding in for quite a while judging by the piles of old food and
dirty clothes. He has a stack of diaries with notes about
helicopters, epic poetry about himself, the "Cyclops", and
even a note to his dear Aunt...MISS WILKIN!!! So,
Crossy/Cyclops <i>did </i>have an insider at the museum. The
gang decides to stake out the place, and their efforts are rewarded
when Crossy's helicopter lands and he sneaks into the glowing eye
exhibit. Quickly, the gang restrains him and Nancy busts out
some electrical wire and hogties the dude in under a minute. Is
hogtying something else we can find on Nancy's endless resume of
skills?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Crosson
is arrested and then we find out that his boundless love of his
helicopter was truly his downfall. First of all, it led them to
almost all of his hiding spots. THEN, he took the copter to sneak
back into a crime scene. Most conspicuous criminal ever? Hours
later, Ned arrives in the self-flying helicopter and says that he was
able to steer the craft back home from Crossy's third hideout because
the boy had "let him drive it" a few times. Way to give
your captive the keys to the getaway car, dude.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">In
the best device ever in Nancy Drew books, Ned has the floor to tell
the amazing tale of his captivity. He explains every clue he
left, and every question we had left unanswered. The only
question I have left at the end of this book (other than how it's SO
AWESOME) is how Carson's mystery even connected to the glowing eye in
the first place. But that question is answered too when Nancy
returns home with Ned (not GLENN). Apparently, a client of
Carson's saw the glowing eye exhibit at the museum and suspected Miss
Wilkin of misappropriating funds. So, it was a connection, but
also basically a McGuffin.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">When
Nancy asks Carson what Marty King thinks of all this excitement, he
flushes red and tells her he had to let Marty go. Apparently,
she PROPOSED MARRIAGE. To Mr. Drew. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nice,
try, Skankbot 5000. Nice try. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nancy
tells Carson that it's okay if he wants to remarry someday, but try
not to make it a mystery stealing ho-bag. He agrees and it's a
happy ending for all.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; orphans: 1;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><span style="font-size: medium;">Whew!
This one was amazing. I give it a surprise 5/5 mags</span></span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Head Injuries: </b>0 (23 total)</div>
<div>
<br />
<br /></div>
K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-83102899792945465542016-05-20T12:33:00.000-07:002018-07-23T08:43:31.658-07:00Book #50: The Double Jinx Mystery...or, as it should be called: <i><b>The Triple Dog Mega Secret Probation Jinx Mystery</b></i><br />
<br />
This book was...really weird. Our story starts off with Nancy being asked to help a client of her father's whose exotic bird farm is set to be torn down by a local real estate company called "High Rise Company." Yes, the generic High Rise Company wants to pave paradise to put up a parking lot, so to speak, and they have pulled out all the stops to get Mr. Drew's client, Oscar Thurston to sell his farm. The Thurstons are your typical Nancy Drew sob story, a kindly old man and his disabled wife (I'm definitely irritated by the inspiration porn going on in the series at this point, but I'll let that go for now) who just want to keep their aviary and home. Mrs. Thurston, however, is a bit high strung, what with the constant threats. She insists they are being jinxed. No, <i>DOUBLE JINXED.</i> I'm betting my this story's end, Nancy and her fiends will be <i>triple dog mega secret probation</i> jinxed, but that's just a guess.<br />
<br />
And I'm totally right! Nancy, Ned and their friends get into a mess of trouble, from obtaining some kind of bird flu after the exotic pets are poisoned to getting shoved over a dam. Each time something bad happens, someone says they must be jinxed and I'm starting to feel like I should be making the whole thing into a drinking game. They also keep saying the word "Eurasian" which I feel like might be offensive but apparently is something people were described as. The Thurstons have a mysterious <i>Eurasian </i>house guest, Kamenka (or, Kammy) who is studying orinthology at the local college and she has a pet, a <i>Eurasian</i> bird named Petra. The rest of the book is so peppered with references to birds, jinxes, and people of Eurasian descent that I can't help but note that I would be extremely drunk right now if it <i>were</i> a drinking game. <br />
<br />
Hmmmm. A reading drinking game. I might have to make that a thing.<br />
<br />
The "mystery" of who is responsible for the sabotage, threats and bird poisoning incidents that have befallen the Thurstons is clearly going to lead back to this High Rise Company, so each dangerous incident ending in the jinxing, double jinxing, or dodectuple jinxing of our heroes kind of falls flat.<br />
<br />
The criminals, clearly hired by the aforementioned HRC (and it's owner, Mr. Wright) have names like Spike, Merv Marvel and, I kid you not, <i>Slick Fingers O' Maylay. </i>Yet another example of why parents are really doing their children a disservice by naming them things like "Shifty," "Swindly," or "Slick Fingers." You're really setting those kids up for a life of crime, guys. <br />
<br />
Most of the book sees Nancy lobbying the town council to vote for an addendum to the High Rise project that restores and maintains the Thurston's farm, and is really the only interesting part of the book, save for the bizarre ending. It's incredible how dull a book can be that contains repeated bomb threats.<br />
<br />
In the end, Nancy "saves" the Thurstons by getting the council to vote to save it, and also manages to track down the criminals. Slick Fingers is easy enough to pin down, but Nancy is kidnapped by one of the main crooks, Merv Marvel. He is actually an ex high-jumper for the ballet, a real Baryshnikov (Nancy and Ned had discovered his involvement while looking for clues at the ballet). Apparently, Merv saw Nancy dancing--which she can do because of COURSE she can--and decides he wants to take Nancy to dance at his weird demonic coven. <br />
<br />
Wait, back up (insert "truck backing up" sound)...<br />
<br />
Yeah, this is where things get weird. Merv Marvel takes Nancy captive and suggests that she be his new "dancing partner." Nancy goes along with it to stay alive, and then the two of them dance-leap to this old barn, at which point it seems like Merv wants to take Nancy as his bride. When they enter the barn, Nancy sees a bunch of people in masks dancing in a "convulsive" and "snake-like" manner. At this point in the narrative, I'm doing cartoonish eye-rubbing double takes and wondering if I somehow forgot that this Nancy Drew book ends in an Eyes Wide Shut-esque orgy. It does not. Apparently, Marvel is part of a demonic cult that tricks weirdos and criminals into giving its "Grand Master" lots of cash. The whole thing is set up by--big surprise--the dude from the High Rise Company.<br />
<br />
Wow. What a ludicrous way to end that story. A story in which, inexplicably, Nancy and everyone around is convinced that jinxes (DRINK!) are real and that bad luck is a thing. The whole novel feels kind of disjointed and not really befitting the Nancy Drew vibe.<br />
<br />
I give this one a disappointing 2/5 mags. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy Drew Drinking Game:</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><i><u>GENERAL:</u></i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i>*Drink whenever Nancy has a double/doppelganger</i></b><br />
<b><i>* Drink whenever Nancy can somehow do everything perfectly (act, model, dance etc.)</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink whenever Bess is fat shamed</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink whenever Ned remarks about marrying Nancy and she totally blows him off</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink whenever George says "Hypers!"</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink whenever Bess is afraid</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink whenever someone is kidnapped</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink for every criminal with a hilarious name</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink whenever it's not a haunting</i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><u>THE DOUBLE JINX MYSTERY:</u></i></b><br />
<b><i><u><br /></u></i></b>
<b><i>*Drink whenever you see the word "Jinx"</i></b><br />
<b><i>*Drink whenever you see the word "Eurasian."</i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b>Congratulations. You're now dead.</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-78093716633096934432016-05-13T10:19:00.002-07:002018-07-17T21:27:23.791-07:00Book #49: The Secret of Mirror Bay<b><i>The Secret of Mirror Bay...</i></b><br />
...is that Nancy has one million doppelgangers.<br />
<br />
No, really. She must have one MILLION. Unless titian hair is so uncommon that anyone with similar hair color is automatically mistaken for her. Let me back up.<br />
<br />
The original gangsta mystery is the ghostly happenings surrounding Aunt Eloise's vacation cabin where they are staying, the Mirror Bay Bide-a-Wee. Some say (the start to <i>any</i> verified story) that a woman has been seen gliding across the top of the water, and that a mad sorcerer roams the woods, bearing an unearthly glow. Ooooh, this has all the makings of another...<br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>
<b><u>RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!</u></b><br />
<br />
<b>Nancy Drew:</b> Have you ever had a pesky ghost haunt your bed & breakfast? A no-good spook send you other-worldly messages about giving away your fortune? How about a phantom just going to TOWN on your showboat? Well, we're Nancy Drew and co. and we're here to tell you--<i>it's never a haunting! </i>That's right, say it with me once more: <i>IT'S NEVER A HAUNTING!</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
You've got it, folks. Our River Heights crew is back and they're here at Mirror bay to de-stress...and debunk!!!<br />
<br />
<b>George Fayne: </b>Well, at first when we heard about the lady floating on the water, I was like "bitch, please." I mean it's <i>never</i> a ghost. Never!<br />
<br />
<b>Bess Marvin: </b>Oh, sure, I believe. I mean, it's never turned out to be a ghost before but this time. [Takes deep, ominous breath] This time I think it could be for real. [Another pointed pause]. Yeah. For mega-realsies, guys.<br />
<br />
<b>Ned Nickerson: </b>Well, at first when I saw that glowing sorcerer dude, I thought it <i>has</i> to be an alien. I mean, what other kind of creature would be glowing green and flitting around the woods? Mr. Burns? Bringing us love? I don't think so.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>There you have it, people. Our gang has a lot of conflicting theories. But, as per usual, I'm about to completely prove them all wrong. Because I'm Nancy Drew and, in addition to my flawless skills in almost any art, sport or contest, I also KNOW EVERYTHING.<br />
<br />
<b>CATCH THEM TONIGHT ON...RIVER HEIGHTS: MYTHBUSTERS!!!!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Okay, that's enough of that. But now that I think of it that would be a really good show. Nancy and the gang quickly set out to disprove the new local ghost theory, with Bess and George even trying their hand at it. George stands on Bess's shoulders and appears to glide over the top of the lake, causing Nancy to wonder if the ghost could really be a prank. Her musings are quickly interrupted, however, by George making snarky remarks about how she could never be the one holding Bess on her shoulders, as she'd have to be "Supergirl." <br />
<br />
Yikes. <br />
<br />
Well, I guess George gets one jab per book, right? I mean, after all this time, George must see that her cousin has feelings. Right? Whoa, spoke too soon. Within a few pages, Bess mentions that she's hungry and George tells her she sounds like a contestant in an "eating contest," and, a few pages after that, tells her that if she eats one more sweet roll she will in fact <i>resemble</i> a sweet roll. Okay, sorry George, but I call bitch. Sure, Bess likes to eat, but that doesn't mean she deserves this constant haranguing. At this point in the book, I'm starting to wish that my fake Lifetime movie <i>Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin</i> had ended with Bess strangling George with a licorice rope or something.<br />
<br />
George's bullying aside, however, the girls soon find themselves ensconced in not one but <i>three</i> mysteries. The gliding female figure is soon debunked when they save a woman walking in stilts in the lake (<b>Note:</b> evidently she was doing this because she can't swim, but was stilt-walking in a lake without a life vest. Super smart.) but the woman soon gives them another mystery to solve: finding a child's royal coach that had been brought over by her ancestors from Czarist Russia, but had somehow ended up in the lake after a tragedy that ended in the child's death. This mystery ends up being kind of an add-on and red herring, but I'll come back to it later.<br />
<br />
Onto the doppelganger! There is yet another double of Nancy running around stealing from people. So, in addition to the three mysteries, Nancy also has to deal with people accosting her on the street accusing her of selling them fake vacations or stealing their purse. She also keeps nearly getting arrested by the police, but gets out of it each time when the officer decides that she <i>must</i> be a different girl because the thiefelganger (yes, that's thief and doppelganger and get used to it--I love word portmanteau) has a hard face. You know, the criminals in these stories might want to work on their facial expressions. It's apparently really easy to tell a criminal from their flashing dark eyes and hard expressions. Fake Nancy also seems to catch on that she looks like our girl detective and that the gang is investigating something on the mountainside near the lake where the sorcerer has been spotted, so she goes out of her way to dress in similar clothes just to slow Nancy down. Great job, thiefelganger. Now, Nancy is totally onto the fact that there's something to investigate. <br />
<br />
The gang checks out the mountainside and are immediately stopped by a glowing, furry green figure spouting nonsense. My first thought was that it was the Philadelphia fanatic, drunk again, but apparently it's one of the criminals. The green man, along with another man in a crazy mask, are clearly freaked out by Nancy's appearance in the area, because they try to kidnap Bess, rob their cabin, and play all sorts of tricks. I'm sure they meant to scare Nancy away, but they clearly haven't gotten the memo that this just makes things worse for them.<br />
<br />
While they are knee-deep in the mysteries, Ned, Burt and Dave show up to help out. They've also brought along a professor, who seems to have eyes for Aunt Eloise. Oooh la la. I've never thought about it, but I have no idea why Aunt Eloise is single (unless she's secretly gay or something). She's nice, thin, beautiful and owns her own apartment in Upper Manhattan. I call bullshit that she wouldn't have been snapped up by now.<br />
<br />
The professor, however, ends up being the key to the whole sorcerer-thiefelganger mystery. He recognizes the two men in the criminal pack as "renegade scientists" who stole the formula for a firefly-based cool light experiment from a nearby real scientist. Apparently, they have been conducting experiments in the caves on the mountainside (with thiefelganger Doria, the wife of one of the scientists, stealing money for the supplies) and were afraid of being found out by Nancy and her crew. In my opinion, they did everything short of waving their hands in the air and shouting "Hey! Don't investigate us! Something sinister is happening here but it's not us! It's something scaaaaarry! So stay away!" Morons.<br />
<br />
Despite the top-tier idiocy of the villains this was a really enjoyable tale. The Czarist Russia royal coach discovery in the lake at the end felt a bit disconnected and tacked on because it had little to nothing to do with the main events, but I still loved the book as a whole. <br />
<br />
<b>4 1/2 out of 5 mags</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Head Injuries: 0 (23 total)</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Fat Shamings: 3 (1 bazillion total)</b><br />
<b><br /></b>K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-85173402815607417912016-05-12T10:42:00.002-07:002018-07-06T07:55:41.287-07:00Book #1: The Mysterious Disappearance of Kate AlessandriNext up is <i>The Secret of Mirror Bay</i> but I thought I'd address the other mystery on the table, which is why I've been missing for the past year. You see, last year I was enormous with child and, eventually, the desire to do nothing but eat sour gummy worms and binge watch <i>The X-Files</i> for the tenth time overtook me. I have kept up with my serialized Nancy Drew fiction (which you can find here, in <i>The Sleuth</i>: <a href="http://www.ndsleuths.com/thesleuth">http://www.ndsleuths.com/thesleuth</a> ) but have lacked the motivation since the baby was born to do much in the way of extracurricular writing. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When I became pregnant, I dreamed of a relaxing maternity leave that would involve me walking the baby down to a local cafe and writing while she quietly slept or cooed and played with toys. Despite the fact that all parents warned me it wouldn't be that simple, I foolishly clung to the fantasy. In reality, that scene plays out like this:</div>
<div>
--Baby finally seems ready for a nap. Let's get her dressed and ready to go in the stroller! </div>
<div>
--Oops, she just pooped all over everything. Better change.</div>
<div>
--You know, now it's getting a little chilly, I should bring her a sweater and hat. </div>
<div>
--Aw, man. Those are in the dryer. Guess I should wait a bit.</div>
<div>
--Ok, dryer is done! Let's go!</div>
<div>
--Oh, wait. She's fallen asleep on me and now I must sit motionless for the next hour and a half while my bladder slowly fills up...</div>
<div>
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You get the idea. Now that I am back at work and have actual breaks that don't involve shoving food in my face while my 20 lb. child yelps and kicks me repeatedly in the boob, perhaps I can get back in the groove. I will review all 56 books if it kills me! After the Thirteenth Pearl, I will review my faves as I re-read them. Now, bask in the glory that is my little girl detective :)<br />
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K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-46519762352464946992016-05-12T10:06:00.000-07:002018-07-17T21:02:56.955-07:00Book #48: The Crooked Bannister<i style="font-weight: bold;">The Crooked Bannister </i>or, if you judge a book by its cover, <b><i>Nancy Vs. the Evil Robot!</i></b><br />
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Hold onto your hats, Nancy Drew fans. This is one of the good ones. Which, of course, will inevitably lead to a less amusing review. But still.<br />
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The Crooked Bannister is one of my favorites, in part because it has one of the weirdest and best villains, Rawley Banister. Not only has he excelled in swindling the masses out of their money, but he's used those ill-gotten gains to build the kind of house that children might dare each other to approach on Halloween, a house that was both awesome and looked like what would happen if architecture was a sentient being that threw up everywhere. First of all, there is a moat surrounding the house <i>that catches fire</i> when you cross it--mega cool. Then, there's an evil robot that plays cassette tapes. There is a creepy portrait hall with paintings of relatives covered in poison-dipped black ink and, finally, there is the titular crooked banister that seems to run straight through the floor instead of ending at the base of the landing. So, as you might expect, just in setting alone, this book gets an A+.<br />
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Nancy starts on the case at the behest of her father, whose kindly clients have been swindled by the nefarious Rawley Banister. He insists because of the danger involved that Nancy bring her friends George and Bess along and, because, they're apparently never in school, working or doing anything, they are happy to come along. <br />
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Unfortunately, the kindly Bess is herself swindled by an accomplice of Banister, Clyde Mead. He convinces her to send money to a poor and starving young boy on a reservation and then starts to send her fake letters with pictures of the young boy. Wait. Is Sally Struthers also an accomplice of Rawley Banister? Is that reference just a tad outdated? Either way, George basically makes Bess feel like Queen Doofus of Idiotville for sending the money.<br />
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After the swindle, and numerous sticky situations at the Banister house, Nancy brings in more reinforcements in the shape of Ned, Burt and Dave. The rest of the mystery sees some spectacular kickings of our gang's ass, but not even by the villain himself. No, he's set up his Smart House (so ahead of its time...) to release evil robots, poison, maim and potentially burn alive any intruders. I've got to be honest here: after a while, I start to really respect Rawley Banister. Most Nancy Drew villains are lurking in the shadows, sending threatening notes or locking her in closets to "teach her a lesson" when all it ever does is strengthen her resolve. This guy just lets his house do it. Brilliant.<br />
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In the end, it turns out Rawley Banister died in a water cruiser explosion (Wow, another jet ski explosion? Doesn't it seem like people in this universe should avoid them if they're so prone to fiery deaths for the passenger?) and Clyde Mead tries to take over villain duties. Unfortunately for Clyde, he didn't build an awesome house that will kill for him. Sorry, Clyde. Game over.<br />
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This one is one of the best, although has the least fodder for reviewing silliness. It’s close to perfect, although I have to take away a mag for the overt white tourism/white saviorism in how they treat the Native children storyline. While it isn’t as overtly problematic as others, it’s an issue that needs to be pointed out. </div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">4/5 Mags</strong></div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Head Injuries:</strong> While Nancy doesn’t black out, she falls through enough floors and is smothered by enough robots to make me convinced there is at least one head injury here. So 1 (23 total)</div>
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<strong class="markup--strong markup--p-strong">Jet-ski Explosions: </strong>1 (it’s been a while — 3 total?)</div>
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-47893272456373466892015-03-02T14:13:00.000-08:002018-07-17T20:50:45.649-07:00Book #47: The Mysterious Mannequin<br />
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace; font-size: x-large;"><b>River Heights Police Blotter</b></span><br />
<b><i> Twice the crime in half the time...</i></b><br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/9/70 3:00 p.m. </b>The alleged mannequin rapist, Farouk Tahmasp, once wanted for smuggling, is still at large and has contacted girl detective Nancy Drew to return his inanimate model. Residents have gone on the record to report the man "kissing" and "fondling" the mannequin. One local restaurant owner claims that Farouk was "in love" and could not stand to be parted from the intoxicatingly beautiful dummy. Some claim Farouk is a pervert, while others claim that the mannequin may be sexually promiscuous as they saw her "wink" at them. No leads on the missing mannequin have been reported thus far.<br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 11:52 a.m. </b>An attempted burglary was once again reported at the residence of Carson and Nancy Drew, frequent victims of general nafariousness. Girl detective, Nancy Drew, reported that a man with a beard and a mustache "of Turkish descent" was responsible for the near-crime. The man attempted to steal a Turkish prayer rug, sent from agalmatophiliac Farouk Tahmasp, but failed when the Drew's family dog, Togo, intervened. The man escaped and no arrests have been made.<br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:05 p.m. </b>UPDATE<b>--</b>Sources confirm that the man wanted for attempted burglary on the Drew house procured a skeleton key from local locksmith R.S. Smith. The man's ads, which boast being able to "open any unusual lock" have now come under scrutiny for, as local girl George Fayne put it, "advertising...to super-<i>duper </i>burglars." The store is under investigation but no arrests have been made.<br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:48 p.m. </b>Patrons of nearby dining establishment The Water Wheel Restaurant reported that a local boy nearly drowned today during the lunch rush. Allegedly, the child was playing near the banks and fell in, swept towards the restaurant's titular water wheel. Fortunately, local hero and habitual drowning-child-saver, Nancy Drew came to the rescue. No long-term injuries were sustained.<br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/12/70 10:15 a.m. </b>UPDATE--Local head of the police department, Chief McGuinness reported that RHPD concluded their investigation on the Drew burglary, claiming that the swarthy robber had "probably left town." River Heights residents reported seeing the chief later at the donut shop adding liquid from a small flask to his coffee and muttering about Nancy Drew making him look bad. County internal affairs is rumored to be stepping in while the chief takes a brief paid vacation.<br />
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<b><i>ADVERTISEMENT: Come one, come all and buy your life insurance policy from Ned Nickerson! Living in River Heights is dangerous--violent crime holds at 48% higher than Chicago and property crime at a whopping 89%! Your chances of being injured or even killed by one of the many criminals and sailors that reside here are simply too high to take a chance. Contact Ned Nickerson at 1-800-LV-NANCY and get your quote today!</i></b><br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/13/70 12:55 p.m. </b>A disturbance was reported at a Greek restaurant one town over. Bystanders report a man became enraged after hearing amateur dick Nancy Drew asking "too many questions" of the restaurant's proprietor. No injuries were reported or arrests made, but a basket of pita bread and large bowl of hummus and Raita was dropped as a result, costing the owner nearly ten dollars in rug cleaning fees.<br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/15/70 8:52 a.m. </b>Yet another disturbance was reported at the Drew residence when a large and vicious dog attacked the teen investigator in her foyer. Live-in housekeeper, Hannah Greun, turned a hose on the dog. No serious injuries were reported, but the dog is rumored to belong to who we can now identify as the swarthy Turkish burglar, Aslanapa (a.k.a. "Nappy"). Nancy Drew has gone on record to report that she will be pursuing the "ludicrously-named criminal" to Turkey, where she will continue her search for alleged dummy defiler, Farouk Tahmasp.<br />
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<b>RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/22/70 7:16 a.m. </b>The River Heights Bugle just got word that girl detective Nancy Drew, having returned from one of her many lavish trips, has caught the burglar Nappy and found Farouk Tahmasp. Tahmasp has been cleared of all charges of sexual deviance and smuggling, as it turns out the "mannequin" was actually a woman posing in a store window--a woman who was, as this reporter just discovered--NOT on any paralyzing drugs or roofies. All criminal parties have been arrested by washed up police Chief McGuinness, and locals report a wedding is in the works between Farouk and the girl who played his mannequin. A strange news month indeed.<br />
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<i><b>ADVERTISEMENT: Get your grub on at the famous Wagon Wheel Restaurant! The food is top notch and reports of drowning have been greatly exaggerated. River Heights teen Bess Marvin says: "The complimentary biscuits were so good, I just couldn't stop eating them! Well, until my cousin called me fat and I had to bring them into the bathroom to hide my shame. But the food was great!" One only mildly chubby teenage girl CAN'T be wrong--visit us today!!!</b></i><br />
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I could go on, but I won't. This blotter sums up the story pretty well, save for the ongoing clues found in Farouk's prayer rug. I chose to write this in blotter form because 1) it begged for it and 2) while the story was fine and moved along well, it was ultimately forgettable and a bit of a snore.<br />
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3/5 mags<br />
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Head Injuries: 1 (22 total)<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "tahoma" , "helvetica" , "freesans" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.1999998092651px; line-height: 18.4799995422363px;"><br /></span>K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-6549096756916984782015-02-06T11:18:00.001-08:002018-07-17T20:39:20.232-07:00Book #46: The Invisible Intruder<b><u>GHOST HUNTERS: RIVER HEIGHTS</u></b><br />
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We pan in on young Nancy Drew, our skeptic for this ghostly tale. Titian haired and primly dressed, Miss Drew doesn't believe that hauntings can be real. Much like famed skeptic Dana Scully, Nancy believes there is an <i>earthly</i> explanation for everything. Months (or, more accurately, decades) of solving mysteries has taught her that ghosts are usually 1) Dudes in white sheets, 2) Anything made phosphorous or 3) Projected images. <br />
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But, this time, Nancy Drew is going to find out the hard way that ghosts are real. Oh, yeah. They are VERY real...<br />
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Here are our players:<br />
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<b>Nancy Drew: </b>The aforementioned overly logical girl detective.<br />
<b>George Fayne: </b>Doesn't think ghosts are real, but if she's wrong is totally ready to "kick some ghost ass, Judo-style." Also says "hypers!" a lot for some reason and refuses to allow her only slightly chubby cousin to eat delicious cheese corn.<br />
<b>Bess Marvin: </b>The slightly chubby cousin in question. Despite being party to Nancy's constant mythbusting of local haunts, thinks ghosts are WAY real and WAY scary. She's terrified. And also really wants some bread. And also <i>fuck </i>George.<br />
<b>Ned Nickerson: </b>Long suffering dreamboat. Constantly takes backseat to Nancy's mysteries and so becomes a part of them to spend more time with her. Recently abducted in perhaps the most racist Nancy Drew story to date.<br />
<b>Burt Eddleton: </b>"Favorite date" of George even though she never seems particularly interested in him other than as a doubles partner in sports. Hilarious, but likely harbors unrequited feelings for George who is either totally asexual or in love with Nancy. I could buy either, but she just does NOT seem hetero to me.<br />
<b>Dave Evans: </b>The tall, rangy regular date of Bess's. Unlike Burt, Bess seems to take him seriously as a suitor. Loves Bess for who she is but can't resist teasing her--not about her weight, though because he's not an idiot.<br />
<b>Helen Archer (nee Corning): </b>Used to solve mysteries with Nancy but either the publisher decided she was boring (she kind of was) or she got married and ditched Nancy which unfortunately happens a lot in female friendships. Due to early book discrepancies, we are to understand that she either married later than originally thought or had a hot, steamy affair with the "deeply tanned" Buck Rodman.<br />
<b>Jim Archer: </b>Helen's husband--a jaunty sort of fellow up for anything.<br />
<b>Rita Rodriguez: </b>The requisite believer of the group. Believes she can send out vibes and find people by scrying and shit. Only Bess seems to believe her, because Bess will probably believe anyone.<br />
<b>Rod Rodriguez: </b>Skeptic but also a total dick. Has, for some reason, agreed to come on the Ghosthunters expedition despite the fact that he doesn't believe any of it. Apologizes for and belittles his wife for her beliefs. Headed for divorce court any day now.<br />
<b>Bab and Don Hackett: </b>Two other people in the group who I don't even remember as being part of the story. I probably got tired figuring out dialogue and started ascribing most of it to the group above. But, they won't be mentioned again.<br />
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<b><u>PROMO</u></b><br />
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[creepy, child's music box music plays over our title]<br />
<b>Helen: </b>Welcome, ghosthunters! Are you ready...to be scared?!<br />
[begin night-vision lighting only]<br />
<b>Bess: </b>[shrieks] I don't know if I can do this.<br />
<b>Ned:</b><b> </b>Holy sh&^%, what the &$#@ is that? <br />
<b>Rita: </b>I can feel the spirits...<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> [ominously]<b> </b>This is different, guys. This might be the real thing.<br />
<b>Bess:</b> [screams again]<br />
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<b>GHOSTHUNTERS!!!</b><br />
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Okay, guys, this book was awesome. It literally has everything. A strong, fast-paced plot, a clear and non-ludicrous motive for the villains, and utilization of all the great characters. Even though I found her a bit dull in the earlier books, I liked that Helen Corning Archer came back instead of simply making up a bunch of new friends.<br />
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The story starts without delay--Nancy and her friends have been invited by Helen to a ghost-hunting road trip. Having heard about several local hauntings, they want to check it out for themselves, either seeing a ghost or debunking the story. First up is a ghostly canoe that rows itself at a local camp. Though the ghost hunters see the inexplicable canoe with their own eyes, Nancy remains--as ever--sure that there is an explanation. Of course, she's completely right. DAMN YOU, NANCY!!!!!!!<br />
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The gang finds that the canoe is mechanized to row itself, with some staging to give it the illusion of being ghostly. Nancy also discovers that the owner of the lakeside camp/resort has been losing business because of the ghostly canoe and a shady-looking couple named the Prizers have been trying to force him to sell at a low price. After Nancy and the group solve the mystery of the canoe, the owner finally has the courage to say no, and that is the end of the case of the canoe and the nefarious low-balling...OR IS IT?<br />
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The group is on their way to their next destination, another haunted guesthouse, when they stop in to see a fortune teller and medium Madame Tarantella. She immediately tells Nancy the story of her life (she sometimes foregoes living her life for these mysteries and it may affect her social life one day) and Nancy is rightly suspicious. Because how on earth (in Nancy's world when fortune tellers are fake) would this woman know so much about her? Madame Tarantella tries to prove her skills by doing a reading for Bess. She clearly takes one look at her girly-girl outfit and timid attitude and surmises that she's waiting around for a husband to take care of her. However, when the medium tells Bess she will be married soon, Bess has a totally understandable freakout that she and Dave will get married before he graduates college and they can take care of themselves. Poor Bess is teased for days in front of Dave, who is utterly clueless.<br />
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Madame Tarantella, who seems to trust Nancy, asks her to look after a bunch of papers for her and promptly disappears, leading us to wonder if the fortune teller is a villain...or a victim. Soon thereafter, Ned is abducted (likely by the Prizers' gang) but soon finds a way to escape. Poor Ned just keeps getting abducted.<br />
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At the next haunted location, The Red Barn Guesthouse, the gang finds that the owner, Mrs. Hodge, has also been strong-armed by a couple into considering selling her guest house at a low price. The constant appearance of a ghostly horse and rider has scared all of her guests away and she doesn't know what to do. At this point, Nancy is pretty sure that the Prizers are responsible for all of these local hauntings in an effort to get cheap land, so she works diligently to debunk the myth. Unfortunately, the Prizers are starting to get mega-pissed that every owner they've talked to is now stubbornly refusing to sell because of Nancy and her ghosthunting pals. Getting desperate, they ransack Mrs. Hodge's private room and steal the deed to the house.<br />
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C'mon, guys. That's not how you steal a house. Unless you also plan to skin Mrs. Hodge and adopt her identity it's not going to happen.<br />
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At the gang's next stop, they meet Mr. Warfield. An old friend of Carson Drew, Mr. Warfield owns an inn that has recently been dogged with rumors and sightings of a ghostly soldier. Unsurprisingly, it sounds like the Prizers have also made a paltry offer on the place. Are we sure these guys are the Prizers and not, like, the Hiltons? This sounds like the kind of dirty deed a hotel conglomerate would do dirt cheap--that's all I'm saying.<br />
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The mystery concludes with excitement, when Nancy, Ned, Jim and Helen are trapped in a local museum of skulls by one of the members of the gang. Using misdirection, the small group is able to trick the villain (Jeffers, a local servant who got mixed up with the Prizers' scheme) and trap him in the very cage they had been locked in. Soon enough, the gang reunites and the police are able to arrest the Prizers and their confederates, including the total liar, Madame Tarantella.<br />
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Madame Tarantella admits that, although she hates Nancy for ruining their scheme, she admires her for her abilities. She asks her to continue to look over her paperwork while she is imprisoned so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands. Nancy is like "HELLS NO!" and they all head home. Real estate values are back where they should be and there is nary a ghost in sight because...<br />
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...say it with me: IT IS NEVER ACTUALLY A HAUNTING.<br />
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I loved this one. 5/5 mags.<br />
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<b>Head Injuries: </b>0 (21 total)<br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-31580463966142722222015-01-23T09:43:00.002-08:002018-07-17T14:35:05.348-07:00Book #45: The Spider Sapphire MysteryTW/CW: This one has a SHITLOAD of racial slurs. Really bad. I can't believe this is the "new, gentler" version. But I guess it is the 1960's. <br />
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It's time, guys. Time for the most ludicrous villain name in Nancy Drew history. More head-scratching than Mortimer Bartesque, El Gato or even Snorky...it's time for ...SWAHILI JOE! Notice I say most ludicrous though, not best. Why? Because somehow even this name manages racism, like so many things about this book.<br />
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Yes, our story starts out with Nancy and her friends (including a group from Emerson with Ned, Burt, and Dave) heading out for a safari in Africa. Before she goes, however, she learns of a mysterious stolen spider sapphire and Ned is kidnapped!<br />
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Oh no! Not NED!<br />
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In much faster course than I remember, however, Ned is found after Bess decodes a cryptic call and figures out he's being held in a pear orchard. He reveals that his captor is none other than...SWAHILI JOE!<br />
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Is there anything more problematic than naming someone, even a villain, after the language they speak as if it's a neon sign over their head that says: "Hey! I'm different from this white teen detective and her crew of white friends!" I feel like I'll be able to tell you after this review.<br />
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Anyhoo, Swahili Joe is clearly the villain of the book due to his redonkulous name. Working with him are two "Indian Blacks" named Jahan and Dhan. Really? <i>Indian Blacks</i>? Well, if you think that's bad, it gets worse. The book goes on to whitesplain the difference between different kinds of Black people in a way that has me ducking out the bathroom to barf. Was it the shellfish, or the unendurable racism in this book? Well, I didn't eat shellfish, so... <br />
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Yeah. O. M. G. <br />
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The usually cringe-worthy racial terms in Nancy Drew books really threw me through a loop in this one. It was all I could do to get through the first 75 or so pages, when the terminology was the worst. Dude, Stratemeyer syndicate. These are NOT the preferred nomenclatures. They're all from Africa. Just call them African (or Kenyan, or Ethiopian, whatever their country of origin is if known). Not too hard. I feel the need to reiterate, I am AWARE this is a sign of the times. I don't think we should hide that, or whitewash our own racism. But, that being said, it needs to be pointed out. Because if I'm going to be recommending these books to kids, that IS relevant.<br />
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Anyhoo, after drowning in a sea of racisms, I'm back on track. Before Nancy and the gang head out on safari, two very important things happen. First, they are able to see an African (I don't know which country she's from because apparently the Syndicate doesn't care) opera singer perform locally before they leave. The woman, Lilia, explains that she is using all of her tour money to find her lost brother, who was rumored to be mauled while on a job in Mombasa but she believes to be alive.<br />
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Another mystery...<i>do you think they'll tie together?</i><br />
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The second piece is that they are introduced to their safari group, including several Emerson students and one Gwen Taylor, a histrionic girl who wears a blonde wig over her brown hair. Why she would wear a wig and not just dye her hair I don't know. She quickly shows herself to be the resident pain-in-the-ass of the book by shrieking that her father will sue the safari company and insisting that the guides retrieve the fancy camera she dropped into a bed of wild animals. Yikes. Even Gwen's boyfriend seems sick of her shenanigans. Of course, while the rest of the group has totally written her off as a spoiled brat, Bess sees a mystery only she can solve. The mystery of a girl who is so insecure thinking that she needs to be blonde that she turns into a total asshole. When a baboon grabs Gwen's wig right off of her head (yes, you read correctly, THAT HAPPENED) and waves it about in a comical gesture, finally tossing it in the mud, Bess sees her chance. She gives Gwen a total makeover, showing her how pretty her dark hair can be and, quite suddenly, Gwen is a totally different person. While I find the idea that a makeover can totally change your persona utter bullshit, my being raised amongst 1990's makeover montages makes me let it go.<br />
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Suddenly, Gwen is the best of friends with all the girls. At their safari resort (really? there were resorts in Africa and a small liberal-arts university group can pay for that?) the girls all put on a water ballet while the boys clap. And, when Nancy. Bess and George's clothes are burned by the villains (as if that would stop them), Gwen happily loans them her clothes. Of course, they have to get loaner shoes from all the girls as there are "no sensible heels for sale in Africa." And now I'm side-eyeing the book.<br />
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A good chunk of the book covers the group's experience in Africa, which is actually quite fun. There's only little snippets of the mystery but....oh, wait. I forgot the best part. When the girls are looking at a group of wild animals over the balcony, George is kidnapped by a baboon as his primate bride! She is carried off quite a ways before she notices that it is a man wearing a baboon suit. She wrenches the head of the costume and he drops her. But not before she sees that the man is...SWAHILI JOE!<br />
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And then Kate's horrified expression froze on her face forever.<br />
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The mystery gets more convoluted as they find out that Lilia's long-lost brother, Taizam, did survive the lion attack but is missing...and he might be in league with Swahili Joe! When the girls track down Mr. Tangor, the man from whom the spider sapphire was stolen, he tells them that the missing guide was involved in the crime. Not wanting to believe it, the girls suspect Mr. Tangor for a time, but eventually clear him of any skulduggery. <br />
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Once the group arrives in a town, they take in the African culture. Nancy even has a local man make a "death mask," which is a mask of one's face so that their loved ones will have something to comfort them in case of an early demise. A little dark, but the mortality rate is likely higher in this small village so it makes a certain amount of sense. He gives Nancy the mask for free, revealing that there is a secret compartment in the eye sockets where one can hide jewels or valuables to prevent their theft during a home robbery. I normally wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph of the review to this, but you'll see why I did in a bit.<br />
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The girls finally find Taizam, who has been suffering from amnesia since his experience. In an absurd turn, Nancy is able to snap him out of his amnesia forever by simply singing the Swahili lullabye (oh that's right, Nancy can sing beautifully in Swahili now BTW) that his sister used to sing him. This is the craziest amnesia turnaround since <i>The Ringmaster's Secret</i>. Either way, the girls get the best clue yet from Taizam once he remembers his recent past. He was almost mauled after he caught the gang stealing the spider sapphire. Nancy and the gang realize that Jahan and Dhan must have started the rumor that Taizam was responsible to keep their own dirty affairs under wraps. Taizam remembers them mentioning an old dungeon and Vasco de Gama, so our detectives set off to find it. Once they find the dungeon, Nancy locates the spider sapphire, cleverly tucking it into the eye socket compartment of her death mask for safe keeping (see! I told you the death mask was important. So, when the evil Jahad and Dhan show up, brandishing whips, she is ready.<br />
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Not to be taken down easily, Nancy completely throws the men off their game by explaining their crime to them (Poirot-style). Somehow, in the course of the last day, she has put together the whole thing. The two men are not working for Swahili Joe, but a man named Rhim Rhao, who had been pretending to be a trusted contact of Mr. Tangor. Swahili Joe was just a pawn in all of this. <br />
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Fortunately, they are able to take the men down and track down Rhim Rhao who was very surprised to be arrested for his clever cover-up. The mystery is solved, but Nancy is already jonesing for a new one. She'll have to wait until <i>The Invisible Intruder</i>.<br />
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This book was great in parts, but the "holy shit!" racism in this really pulled me out of the story, and thus gets a full 2-3 mags taken off. Although this could have been 4, this one gets 2 out of 5 mags.<span style="background-color: white; color: #2d2d2d; font-size: 20px;"> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #2d2d2d; font-size: 20px;">2/5</span><br />
<br />
<b>Head Injuries:</b> 0 (21 total)<br />
<b>Racisms:</b> Too many to count<br />
<b>Most problematic villain name:</b> Swahili JoeK Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-82557677081313059352014-12-17T14:17:00.000-08:002018-07-17T16:05:59.574-07:00Book #44: The Clue in the Crossword CipherThis book's got a little bit of everything: travel, intrigue, natural disasters, interestingly-named villains (El Gato), disguises and phat George Fayne judo moves. Unfortunately, there's one other not-so-great thing this novel has in spades: the constant fat shaming of Bess Marvin<i>.</i> Thus, part of my review will be in the form of a Lifetime or Hallmark movie, entitled:<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><u><b>Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: </b></u></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><u><b>The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin</b></u></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span></i>
A small town girl, Bess Marvin never imagined she'd end up as the unwitting third member of a detective team. All her life, she'd been scared--scared of smugglers trying to kill her, of out-of-place sailors, and most of all--letting people in. You see, Bess faces a tragic hardship. <br />
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Her parents, if you can call them that, are basically invisible. Barely around, they only seem to show up when their house is being robbed, their family fortune in question, or as a dim voice at the other end of the phone when Bess is asking to fly off on one of her many trips with girl detective Nancy Drew. At first, Bess was happy with the freedom Mr. and Mrs. Marvin's negligent parenting allowed. But, as the year wore on for some eighty years, their careless attitude gave Bess a complex. Why is it that her parents never seemed to be around? So, Bess did the only thing she could do: eat.<br />
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Yes, she ate and ate and ate. Of course, realistically, she only ate a little more than her friends. And all illustrations depict her as vaguely the same size as her cousin, George and friend, Nancy Drew. Why then, is she the constant butt of jokes and subject of ridicule? Why can't her friends just let her eat that second piece of corn with swiss cheese on it? Bess doesn't know. All she knows is that life scares her. And carbs are great.<br />
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"I'm just so excited about this trip to South America," Bess Marvin exclaimed, tossing her mane of light blonde hair. "I might just burst." Bess placed her hands on her slightly curvaceous hips.<br />
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George Fayne snorted in reply. "My dear, fat cousin," she said. "Maybe hold onto that feeling. Because then maybe you won't eat so much, fatso."<br />
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Bess's eyes glimmered with tears, but she said nothing. The girls' trip to Lima was peppered with just such remarks--George grabbing her arm as she went for an extra piece of bread, George laughing at her desire for South American food, and George warning her not to eat that extra corn cobb with cheese on in. <br />
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Barely able to take it, our heroine takes to the streets on her own, only to be asked out by some smarmy loser and then chased by a ne'er do well. Winded from the extra cheese corn, Bess falls to her feet in tears. Can she possibly overcome these hardships? Was George right? And will the fat shaming <i>ever end</i>? <br />
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Sadly, this book has a tragic end. Despite Bess's bravery in the face of villains, she is left just as she is at the start: a scaredy-cat. The butt of a joke. <i>Too fat...to ride an alpaca.</i><br />
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<i>The End</i><br />
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<i>***</i></div>
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Alright, so there was actually a mystery in here too. A Pervian American Princess (PAP?), Carla Ponce, asks Nancy to solve an old family mystery. The Ponce family has a very old wooden plaque left by a centuries-old relative. There is a message on the plaque, but in cipher form and has been very difficult to interpret. There are long-standing rumors of a family fortune as well, something that Carla Ponce and her parents scarcely seem to need. But, despite the fact that this mystery has no obvious charity case, Nancy is intrigued. Adding to the risk factor is a letter sent to Carla that says: "Cuidado con el gato," or, for you English-only speakers: Beware of the cat!</div>
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Nancy, Bess, George and Carla fly to Lima, Peru, where her parents live. Of course, even before they leave, several attempts at theft are made on the plaque and we know that some gang of villains has figured out that they are on the trail of a treasure. When they arrive in Peru, they meet all sorts of shifty figures, any of whom could be the mysterious <i>El Gato</i>. Because the wood from the plaque comes from the arreyanes forest, Nancy asks to go there. </div>
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Because they can just fly to Argentina, no problem. Hah!</div>
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Oh, wait. I forgot. Carla's parents are rich, and willing to fly Nancy anywhere. Apparently, it coincides with some kind of golf tournament in a fancy hotel. Seriously, do these people really need a fortune? </div>
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Over the curse of the book, Nancy and her friends travel to Argentina and the famed Machu Pichhu with a paid guide. They eventually solve the code on the plaque, which ends up being something like "purple monkey dishwasher" but I don't really remember. Eventually, they realize that El Gato himself is a smuggler that has been posing as the assistant to a woodworking master they had previously asked for help. They had suspected him of being a part of the gang all along but--surprise, surprise--he was the final boss. </div>
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Well, "final boss" in the sense that he was the main villain. He actually confessed and went pretty quietly. Once they were rid of El Gato, the Ponce's dug up their ancestor and robbed his shallow grave of its riches. Yaaaaayyyyyy!...?</div>
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This book was actually quite good, save for the constant fat shaming of Bess. Seriously, I kind of wanted to punch George in the face throughout the book. At one point, she tries to ride an alpaca (hence my Lifetime title) and is told she must be too heavy because she weighs <i>over a hundred pounds</i>. Is that really fat back in 1967? Or is Bess like 4'8"? Because, estimating Bess's height at a petite 5'2", even if she weighed 120 that would be within a normal weight range. </div>
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And I know that George is the main offender here, but I feel like Nancy could step in. Because right now, I feel like I'm solving <i>The Mystery of the Terrible Friends</i>. Let Bess eat her frikkin' cheesy corn. Unless the cover art depicts her as 100 lbs. lighter than she actually is, she's fine.</div>
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Nevertheless, as a mystery, this one gets a strong 4/5 mags.</div>
<i><br /></i>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Head injuries: 1 (21 total)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Explosions: 1 (10 total)</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Fat jokes: Oh my, yes...</b></span>K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-42757515743262940852014-12-08T13:59:00.000-08:002018-07-16T09:55:43.658-07:00Book #43: The Mystery of the 99 Steps...or, as it's known by me: <i>The Mystery of the 12-15 Staircases, All of Which Have 99 Steps, also known as The Case of the Frightened Fincancier</i>.<br />
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I'm back, everyone! I took a little respite due to holiday business but now I'm back on that addictive Nancy Drew juice, and I hope to crank out a few more reviews before the year is out!<br />
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This tale starts, as per usual, back in River Heights, where Nancy is explaining to Bess and George that they must accompany her to France for a case that she calls "The Mystery of the 99 Steps," accompanying Carson Drew on his own legal case. This mystery is so named because a local French ex-pat, Josette Blair has been having numerous recurring dreams about a secret on a 99th step. She shared her dreams with a few, but then received a letter in French that said: <i>Tell no one about the 99 Steps. --Monsieur Neuf </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Quickly, Nancy also explains that a pair of French siblings (Monique and Marie Bardot) will be taking their place in a sort of foreign exchange deal, with Nancy and the girls staying with the sisters' parents in France. George jokingly asks if there will be a boy to replace her, and I raise an eyebrow, but choose to let my favorite tomboyish character work out her gender identity in her own time. The Bardot sisters have barely arrived when a strange man strong-arms his way into the Drew home. He shoves a letter into Nancy's hand and leaves. And what does the letter say, you may ask? Well, fortunately, they don't pull a <i>Nancy's Mysterious Letter</i> and make us wait 75 pages. The note says, in clear bold writing: <b>STAY OUT OF FRANCE! --MONSIEUR NEUF</b><br />
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Alright, it's time for me to bring up the name. I did a lot of soul searching about this name. Monsieur Neuf...best villain name so far? It <i>is</i> hilarious, like the name of a nebulously foreign Scooby Doo bad guy. But, as it always has so far....it always comes back to Snorky. Heh. <i>Snorky</i>. <br />
<br />
Anyhoo, once again an idiotic villain has chosen to peak Nancy's curiosity by threatening her rather than playing it cool. Good going, Mister Nine. When Carson comes back home to discuss the details of the trip with the girls, they find out that he wants their help on a mystery he likes to call: "The Case of the Frightened Financier." <br />
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Okay, wait. Is this the mystery of the 99 steps or the frightened financier? Even before these two cases are inexplicably linked, I'm already confused.<br />
<br />
Apparently, some investors have hired Mr. Drew to find out why a French mogul has been selling stocks and securities in his company without any reason or financial advice. Such a dramatic move has already had an effect on the economy, as it is a huge company. Nancy and the girls agree to help him. Before they leave for France, however, Nancy helps the Bardot sisters settle in, even asking them to sing in a local review. Unfortunately, the man who had left the note (is <i>he</i> Monsieur Neuf?) stalks the girls and almost attacks them. The man is caught and I briefly wonder how there is still 150 pages left in this book, until I remember the 99 steps and financier. The man, named Claude Aubert, is clearly connected with the mystery/mysteries but Carson, Nancy, Bess and George have little time to figure this out as they are scheduled to leave.<br />
<br />
And off to France we go!<br />
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The rest of the book is mainly a series of amusing montages featuring the girls locating several staircases with 99 steps. Some have suspicious markings, some have children in suits of armor, some have giant French women who threaten to bump the girls down each of the near 100 steps like an Oompa Loompa. <br />
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Of course, as is usual with Nancy Drew books in foreign locations, there's also a lot of history and education. The case of the frightened financier turns out to have a lot to do with alchemy, as Claude Aubert's twin brother (Louie Aubert) has been posing as a Middle Eastern swami-type man that has convinced the financier, Monsieur Leblanc, that he can turn any substance into gold. While in his Arabian gear, the girls simply refer to Louie Aubert as "The Arab" over and over again until my politically correct ass starts rolling around in its future grave. The girls also realize that Josette Blair's memory of the 99 steps is due to the fact that her governess as a child was involved with, and now married to, the villain Louie Aubert. It was a recovered memory of something that scared her as a toddler.<br />
<br />
The frightened financier is obviously very grateful, as is Carson Drew, who offers Nancy half of his legal fee. <br />
<br />
Um, what about Bess and George?<br />
<br />
Anyhow, all's well that ends well (except for poor Bess and George, who paid for a trip to France and get little acclaim) with another <i>two</i> mysteries solved.<br />
<br />
This book is definitely enjoyable in some ways, but there were quite a few issues for me. For one, we never really get to know Ms. Blair, so her mystery always seems quite vague and I never really care about it. The frightened financier seems like an idiot, and part of me feels like he's similar to the characters in <i>The Ghost of Blackwood Hall</i>--too stupid for me to feel bad for. Also, there are so many superfluous French characters that are too minor to care about but take up text nonetheless, and it was very difficult for me to keep track. Also, Louie Aubert has so many aliases by the end of the book that Monsieur Neuf is all but forgotten. Boooooo. This one gets 3/5 mags. Not great, but certainly not bad either.<br />
<br />
Head Injuries: 0 (20 total)<br />
<br />
Best Villain Name Runner-Up: Monsieur Neuf!<br />
<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-42436295468890191622014-10-16T10:14:00.001-07:002020-02-10T14:47:20.108-08:00Book #42: The Phantom of Pine Hill...FEATURING GUEST REVIEWER, MAREN!<u><br /></u>
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<o:p> </o:p>Hey there everyone, Maren here <span style="font-family: "wingdings";">J</span> So I have the joy of
reviewing the only book that can compete for #1 against Clue in the Diary. The
Phantom of Pine Hill. The reasons for loving this book are numerous and, if you
don’t agree, well you’re just wrong. Ok no everyone can think whatever they
want, but since I’M writing this I can say what I want, heh heh.</div>
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First off, literally on the first page, we already have a
Ned Nickerson saves the day moment! The girls have come to visit the three boys
during a week of Emerson fun. Now I hardcore love Ned Nickerson, and I mean
that truly, I may have judged every date I've ever had against him and
unsurprisingly my husband is actually pretty close. What was I saying? Oh yeah
Ned already saves the day, which just shows how much he’s going to be in this
one, which makes for a happy Maren. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Ok seriously enough Ned distractions. The titular phantom
“resides” at John Rorick’s (also known as Uncle John) mansion. Nancy, Bess and
George stay with him following a motel mishap and get to stay there for the
week rent free, so long as they help catch the phantom! Woohoo excitement <span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: Garamond; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Garamond; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span>
Luckily we do not have to wait long for the phantom to make his first strike!
Within the first ten pages Nancy returns to the house to change her party dress
after a waiter named Fred Jenkins spills punch on hers, and discovers that her
pearl necklace has disappeared!! Later that night Nancy does what she always
does and hears a creaking in the dark house and decides to
investigate...ALONE!! Because she legitimately thinks that’s a better idea. I
mean, I understand not bringing Bess since she sometimes can’t stop talking,
but, hey, why not George!? At least she came to her senses and didn’t go
outside when she saw a fleeting light in the woods. Good move, Nance. Later
that morning after breakfast we get introduced to mystery #2! Uncle John’s
ancestor who came to this country in the 1700 had a young French bride. When
they had a daughter, Abigail, the French family sent a chest of gifts. Which
got lost in a steamship (the Lily Belle) accident. In the river like 50ft from
the house. Are we dealing with sunken treasure!? (ummm the answer is always
yes.)<o:p></o:p></div>
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Hmmm I wonder if the two mysteries might SOMEHOW be
connected. Anyway it can’t be all work and no play. The girls go to the Emerson
crew race, because OF COURSE, Ned is on the crew team. Isn’t he just perfect?
Ned and Nancy have a quick impromptu picnic before the race, and who is lurking
about, but Fred Jenkins. Hmmmm 2 instances of seeing this guy in 3 chapters?
Yeah he’s got more involvement! Crew race happens, Emerson wins (DUH) and it’s
all very exciting. Ned and Nancy decide to take a romantic canoe ride....over to
the site of the Lily Belle sinking. Hmmm Nancy I believe you have ulterior
motives here...not just trying to get alone time with Ned! Although gotta love
how he puts on his professors cap and explains the history of the phrase “two
bits.” But wait, what’s this? A motorboat is trying to run them down!! Accident
#1. <o:p></o:p></div>
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What is Nancy’s solution? To go alone into the woods to
search for the motorboat captains accomplice. Always with going alone into the
woods right Nance? Only creepy thing to happen, however is a piece of paper
that floats down on her from above that is blank except for two perfect
thumbprints. UMMM HOW IS THAT NOT CREEPY AND ALSO JUST PLAIN WEIRD? Ok thank
god for Bess who bluntly just declares how creepy that is later on. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Ok time for the Emerson dance. Nancy get’s all pretty, and
her beauty causes Fred Jenkins (him again?) to drop a vase of flowers he’s
carrying. Like he actually tells her she shouldn’t be so beautiful because he
got distracted by it which caused him to drop the vase. While she waits for
Bess and George, Nancy gives the adorable housekeeper, Mrs. Holeman a lesson on
how to look for clues to how an intruder could get into the padlocked library.
However, after 5 minutes Mrs. Holeman declares that since Nancy has found no
hollow spots in the walls then it must be a spook. Like a ghost. Is it ever
actually a ghost though? I’m thinking no. Nancy does go in to the library and
find that some of the hidden money she had discovered the day before has gone
missing. DUDE THIS LIBRARY IS PADLOCKED! HOW IS HE GETTING IN! Ooooooh maybe it
is a ghost. Ok no just kidding it’s never a ghost. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Mrs Holeman has to go out of town suddenly. Uncle John has
already gone away for a few days. You know what that means. Nancy, Bess and
George in a haunted creepy house all alone. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Which
means Nancy and Ned (oooh la la) are going to do a stakeout in the locked
library all night to see if the phantom shows his or herself. Well sadly, the
only shenanigans that occur overnight are actually a prank played by Bess and
George. Also there’s a later moment where George teases Bess about her weight.
Something no Nancy Drew would be complete without. Poor Bess <span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: Garamond; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Garamond; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">L</span>
And there’s a moment with the Chief of police who decides Nancy isn’t a flighty
bimbo; he actually admits that he thought she had mislaid her pearl necklace
and just got excited over nothing. What a jerk. Also Fred Jenkins is being nosy
again. But that’s no surprise. Ok random interlude stuff over and Bess finds a
clue! Go Bess!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Wow I really need to be less wordy in my reviews. I’m not
even halfway through the book yet. Ok I may need to edit for the rest. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Maybe.<o:p></o:p></div>
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What?--I love Nancy Drew!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Don’t judge me!! You don’t know Maren.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Wow ok panic moment over. Back to the big Emerson pageant. Ned, dressed as an American Indian, swoops up Nancy and "kidnaps" her and take her to “treasure spot.” Burt is dressed as a fully bearded captain and Dave plays what appears to be Noah on his ark and it goes on and on because racism. This ends up
being the spot where the main Pine of Pine Hill is said to be the site of a
buried treasure! Sadly, not the Lilly Belle treasure.<br />
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The crew all goes back to Uncle John’s only to discover that
the <i>locked</i> library in the <i>locked </i>house has been torn to shreds!!
Cue Twilight zone music. (now tell me you didn’t just hum that in your head!)
Ok off to the dance (another one!? Geez where do the girls get all their
frocks....pretty sure Target and TJ Maxx didn’t exist yet) And at the dance a
big announcement is made! Ned has been made fraternity president! Seriously is
there anything wrong with him? Long nose hair? An awkward mole? SOMETHING?<o:p></o:p></div>
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The happiness form the night is semi dampened when the girls
return to Uncle John’s to find a threatening note from the phantom. It’s quite
terrifying. Especially since, in the note, the phantom refers to himself in the
third person. Woooooooooooo scary. This prompts Nancy to begin a search of the
house again to find hidden panels. Because in this type of scenario there are
ALWAYS hidden panels. And sure enough she finds one! Unfortunately she tugs on
it too hard and it falls on her hitting her hard, causing her to black out.
Accident #2, Blackout/Head Injury#1. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A day or so later, after she recovers, the three go digging
at an old burial ground which is no longer actually there. Bess screams
and what has she found? A HUMAN SKULL. Gross. Poor Bess...again. They go investigate some caves in the area and
see someone spying on them. When going
to investigate, George and Nancy are standing closeish to the edge when the
ground under them gives away and they slide/roll/fall down the hill! Accident
#3. Bess runs down to check on them and manages to get a glimpse of who she
thinks is the spy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Hmmm I wonder who it is? Is it Fred Jenkins perhaps? I’m
thinking its Fred Jenkins.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yup it’s Fred Jenkins. Told you.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Back at the house Nancy asks for some info on Fred from Mrs.
Holman. Hmmm he’s a loner who lives with his dad. Sounds ripe for being a Nancy
Drew culprit to me. Nancy investigates a little more then it’s time for evening
festivities with the boys. The evening is marred a little though when Nancy’s
car is stolen! Seriously so much happens in this one! And it’s stolen from
Uncle John’s house, not like a public lot. Hmmm looks like Fred Jenkins stole
it. Under the pretense of washing it. Fat chance! Hah!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Well it’s a new day and you know what that means? Time to
investigate the library again. After finding some clues involving freshly mown
grass (Hermione would love it) there doesn’t seem to be much else out of place.
EXCEPT THE PRICELESS COIN COLLECTION! Seriously there was a coin in there worth
7500 bucks. And that was in 1965......oh man that’s a pretty penny (heh heh).
But there’s also still the question of how the phantom is getting in and out of
this room.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Nancy and Ned go off on a scuba adventure to try and find
the Lily Belle. Meanwhile, back at the house, Bess, George, Burt and Dave
decide to do a little investigating of their own. They do all they can to find
a way in and out of that library. Which ends with Dave disappearing headfirst
down the chimney. Accident #4.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Nevermind that at the same moment Nancy and Ned are diving
and Nancy gets her oxygen hose tangled and she can’t breathe underwater. (Does
that count as Accident #5? Maybe 4.5 it’s a smaller mishap easily and swiftly
rectified) After their diving adventure gives them no solid clues they drive
home, taking a detour by Fred Jenkins house. Who should they see but Fred’s
father, WHO IS ALSO THE OTHER MAN THEY’VE BEEN SEEING IN THE WOODS?! Ooooh a
father/son duo. I like it. Nancy and Ned totally break the law and investigate
the Jenkins house after the two men have left and find nothing, although Ned
does come up with an amusing rhyme. They do, however, find a key making machine
(seriously who other than criminals has one of THOSE just lying around at home)
which explains how Fred was able to take Nancy’s car! <o:p></o:p></div>
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Going back to the house leads to yet another investigation
of the library. This time it is to discover the last of the hidden money has
been stolen. Nancy is fed up and determined. This time she is finally
successful. In the dining room, with a nail file (she killed Colonel Mustard),
she finds a lever that opens a secret passage! Huzzuh!! George is the first to
investigate and hidden in the passage is the missing coin collection. Score 1
for George!<o:p></o:p></div>
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We are winding down and you know what that means? Time for a
stakeout! The girls hide in the library when a man in stocking feet and gloves
comes in. They watch him steal some costume jewelry and Nancy bursts out to
confront him. He sprays her with something that knocks her out. Oops. Knockout
#2. He does the same to George who has come to Nancy’s aid. Bess who is still
hiding almost panics but comes to her senses and shouts and the guy and before
he has a chance to spray her she throws a heavy book at him!! Woohoo way to go
Bess! Bad guy loses his balance and falls hitting his head. Bad guy taken down
by Bess. Yet another reason to love this particular book so much. But it’s not
over for her. While the three others lay unconscious Bess calls the cops. As
she waits for their arrival Fred comes in the house. OH NO! What does Bess do
best? She flirts with him as a distraction. Dude Bess totally saves the day in
this one I love it <span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: Garamond; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Garamond; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span>
She even tempts him with cake and everything. Just in time for the cops to show
up and chase him down and arrest him. Suckaaaaaaa! <o:p></o:p></div>
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Turns out Fred and his father WERE looking for clues to the
missing treasure lost on the Lily Belle. (like we didn’t see that one coming)
Fred also admits that he and his father had stolen the coins and the money and Nancy’s
pearl necklace. And golly Pa Jenkins admired Nancy’s grit so much he was going
to tell her where everything was. Wow, what a nice thief! <o:p></o:p></div>
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Now it wouldn’t be a proper Nancy Drew conclusion without
the miraculous discovery of the treasure! Struck by genius Nancy and the gang
go to an old stump near the tribal village site/burial ground and dig up and old tree stump!
Woohoo there’s all the treasure! Trunks filled with gold coins as well as the
missing Rorick chest were indeed buried underneath. Yaaay happy ending!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Man I forgot how much I love this one....<o:p></o:p></div>
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Soooo many accidents and head injuries....gotta love it! 5/5 mags.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Head Injuries:</b> 2 (20 total)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Accidents: </b>4.5 (Infinity total)<o:p></o:p></div>
K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-53414329529384181382014-10-13T12:05:00.002-07:002018-07-16T09:19:38.103-07:00Book #41: The Clue of the Whistling Bagpipes<br />
<u style="font-family: inherit;"><b>RIVER HEIGHTS CRIMINAL SUSPICIONS: INTERNATIONAL VILLAINS UNIT</b></u><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span>
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<br />
<b>Villainous Sailor:</b> Alright, IVU team. I heard from our central unit in River Heights that Nancy Drew is heading out on some kind of trip to Scotland. We need our best men on this NOW.<br />
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<b>Random dark and shifty dude: </b>But that's where we have our sheep thieving ring! Noooooo!<br />
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<b>Shrewd-Looking Man #5: </b>Can I say something?<br />
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<b>Villainous Sailor: </b>Only if it's not some terrible advice about not drawing attention to ourselves by leaving the Drew girl alone.<br />
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<b>Shrewd-Looking Man #5: </b>Shutting up now.<br />
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<b>Villainous Sailor: </b>Listen, gang. The sheep thieving ring isn't our only problem. Nancy Drew is taking the trip to track down a family heirloom <i>we</i> stole.<br />
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<b>Shrewd-Looking Man #5: </b>Can't we just mail it back or something?<br />
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<b>Villainous Sailor: </b>(rolls eyes) No, we <i>can't</i> just mail it back. Don't you know there's a narrative structure we have to follow? Attack the girl in her home, do something to her car, send a threatening note or make a call, follow her on her trip, and then cause a series of easy to escape accidents. Is that so difficult?!<br />
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<b>Shrewd-Looking Man #5: </b>(sighs) No, sir.<br />
<br />
<b>Random dark and shifty dude: </b>So what's our first move?<br />
<br />
<b>Villainous Sailor: </b>Something different. Something she'd never suspect...<br />
<br />
<b>Random dark and shifty dude: </b>A conspicuous car crash?<br />
<br />
<b>Villainous Sailor: </b>That's the ticket!<br />
<br />
<b>Shrewd-Looking Man #5: </b>I'm gettin' too old for this shit...<br />
<br />
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<br />
<br />
Okay, I can't keep up a whole entry in Criminal Suspicions IVU without sacrificing our heroine's perspective so back to the normal review. Despite the fact that pretty much all the Nancy Drew international mysteries follow this predictable theme, I have forgiven this one for one very good reason. Which I will explain later.<br />
<br />
Our mystery starts out in River Heights as Carson tells Nancy of a priceless family heirloom (and her inheritance) that has gone missing. Nancy's great-grandmother, whom she has never met, insists it must have been stolen. Nancy quickly agrees to take the case (doesn't hurt that the prize is a priceless heirloom) and the Drews are going to Scotland!<br />
<br />
But wait. Bess shows up, saying that she's been given two tickets to any destination in Europe as she's won an international photo prize for a picture she took of Nancy. Herein lies the snag that makes the usually ludicrous villain commute between far-off lands and a Podunk suburb of Chicago seem a bit more realistic. The picture, which depicts Nancy with a magnifying glass and accompanies an article about her girl detective skills, is a surefire way to alert any criminals keeping their ear to the ground that she might be coming to bust up their gang.<br />
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Despite being a little irritated at a clueless Bess, who has probably blown her cover until the next major disaster, Nancy tells her to give the spare ticket to George so they can both accompany her to Scotland to find the missing brooch. The widely-circulated article brings something to this particular story that we haven't really seen before, which is Nancy suffering the negative effects of her celebrity. Her and her father's notoriety has mostly been used to get Nancy and her friends out of a jam when they are framed for a crime or scoffed at in disbelief. But, in this case, Nancy is immediately inundated by fans, hoping to get the autograph of the famous girl detective. She gives out her signature to a few children for fun, but worries when one of the kids sells her autograph to a smarmy looking dude in the crowd. She tries to protest but he says, I kid you not, "Thanks, baby!" and shuffles off. Will we see this man again? My vote's YES.<br />
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Meanwhile, as Nancy prepares for her trip, several not-so-bizarre incidents befall her. Her car is crashed into, she receives a threatening note about any car she's in being destined for an accident, and she receives a bomb threat. Needless to say, the trip to Scotland sees some white knuckles among our group. However, Nancy, Bess, George and Carson safely land. <br />
<br />
Before setting out to the more rural area where her great-grandmother, Lady Douglas, lives, the girls do some sightseeing. This is one of the best devices of the international mysteries for kids, as the cultural information is generally quite expansive and interesting. This book proves to be no exception. The tour guide/chauffeur tells the girls tales of kings, war and bloodshed, not to mention a few obscure Scottish jokes. He does so in a written Scottish brogue, with all the canna's and dinna's you could ask for. Despite Bess's objections when the stories get too bloody, I personally was pretty riveted. <br />
<br />
On their trip, Nancy and the girls even learn about the history of bagpipes, at which point Nancy attempts to play. Now, if any regular person were attempting to play the bagpipes for the first time, they would sound a lot like Ross from <i>Friends</i> sputtering out "Celebration" while their friends looked on in abject horror. Not Nancy, of course. No one can believe how great she is! She could go pro! Everyone is awestruck, but they don't know as I do that Nancy is an android.<br />
<br />
Before the girls head to the countryside, Nancy connects with Ned, who has just returned from a school trip to South America. <b>BRIEF ASIDE: WTF?! What is this guy studying, ambassadorship? He was just in frakking Hong Kong!!! </b>Anyway, she asks him to look into who wrote the accompanying article in the magazine that has brought her all this celebrity since Bess had no idea. He discovers that the writer is a man she doesn't even know. Hmmmm...a villain?<br />
<br />
Nancy, et. al head off to see Lady Douglas when they realize they are being followed. Nancy thinks he looks vaguely familiar, which I can easily attribute to the fact that, from his description, he is Groundskeeper Willie. Before you tell me I'm being Scot-ist, he was red-haired and bearded with "crazy red side-whiskers" and a kilt. Um, that's Willie. With an air of caution, Nancy and the girls meet up with a guide, Fiona, and head across a loch to the small village near her great-grandmother. <br />
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After a heartwarming first meeting, Nancy and her great-grandmother become fast friends. Lady Douglas explains that the heirloom, a beautiful brooch, was basically there one day and gone the next. Nancy sets out to search the area, discovering that there has also been a rash of sheep thefts across rural Scotland. It would appear that the pelts are being sold through underground dealers, leaving the local farmers impoverished. <br />
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Throughout the investigation, however, Nancy becomes more and more frustrated as people keep identifying her as the girl detective they've all been reading about. It seems she's always a few steps behind the criminals while the article is out. Another snag reveals itself when the police try to arrest Nancy because a forger has been using her signature (from the autographs) to write bad checks. The officers soon realize Nancy is not this kind of girl, however, and soon agree to help with the case. <br />
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Nancy soon realizes that the sheep thefts are being carried out after the signal of a particular bagpipe tune being played over the hills and schemes to play the tune herself. Newly a bagpipe prodigy (apparently) Nancy is able to catch the thieves with the help of her great-grandmother's staff, Fiona, the police and Bess and George. As it turns out, Groundskeeper Willie is actually the smarmy guy who bought her autograph in a Groundskeeper Willie costume. He shouts: "No Scotchtoberfest? Ya used me Skinner! Ya uuuuused me!" and is led off to prison with the rest of the sheep-stealing clan. It would appear that the criminals' inability to <i>not</i> steal Nancy's heirloom is really what led to their downfall. And, of course, that these criminals are idiots.<br />
<br />
I hadn't read this one in a long time and <i>wow</i> did it hold up. It had great action, was rich in historical info, used Ned, George and Bess, and offered up the interesting twist of Nancy struggling to do her work under a spotlight. I give this one 5/5 mags.<br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-61779282755547397332014-09-18T11:09:00.003-07:002018-07-14T22:39:14.151-07:00Book #40: The Moonstone Castle MysteryAnd so we review <i>The Clue in the Crumbling...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Wait a minute. You say this isn't <i>The Clue in the Crumbling Wall</i>? But, there's a castle...and a missing heiress. And a moat. And action scenes with boats on the river. And a kidnap victim hidden in the castle...<br />
<br />
Are you sure?<br />
<br />
Oooohhhh, you say: "But, there's a moonstone!"<br />
<br />
Sure. Totally different. I get it.<br />
<br />
Of course, my text drips with sarcasm. While I can't say I didn't enjoy <i>The Moonstone Castle Mystery</i>, I must admit that it is far too derivative of it's predecessor, <i>The Clue in the Crumbling Wall</i>. Only it doesn't have a hilarious scene with George losing her clothes. <br />
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The story begins with Nancy hearing about a mystery, a missing girl who is set to inherit a large sum of money but went missing after the death of her guardians. She is almost immediately sent the cryptic gift of a moonstone which, the accompanying note says, will keep her from danger. Is this note from friend or foe? I can't really say I care, because I'm already feeling like I've read this book before.<br />
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Nancy, Bess and George visit Deep River Valley (formerly known as Moonstone Valley...coincidence?!) and stay at a local hotel, where Ned, Burt and Dave are to follow. Bess soon meets an attractive young man named Alan, and is relieved when he has to leave before Dave Evans arrives as she "hates complications." Oh, no you don't, Bess! You loves you some drama!<br />
<br />
The girls immediately try to befriend the town busybody, the proprietor of a tea shop and cafe called the Brass Kettle, only to learn that a ne'er do well named Mr Seaman has already been inquiring about her! <br />
<br />
Wait, Seaman? Is this a mother&**^%*ing SAILOR again? <br />
<br />
Apparently not; it's just some guy named Seaman. If that sounds fake, it's because it is. Nancy manages to evade Mr. Seaman, and she and the girls come across a mysterious castle. Moonstone Castle. COINCIDENCE?! NEVER. After a number of repetitive scenes wherein Nancy and the girls can't control the mechanism on the drawbridge, they realize someone must be living in the castle. With this and the name of the castle, Nancy and the girls rightly assume it is somehow connected to the mystery.<br />
<br />
After investigating the castle, the girls try to track down the executor of the missing heiress's guardian's will, Mr. Wheeler, but are shut out at every turn. Then, just when the lawyer seems ready to share what he knows about the missing girl, he is kidnapped from the hospital after a crazy boat chase. Nancy, of course, would have never let this happen, but she was detained by local police who suspected her of stealing the boat that struck them. Ned points out that they have no evidence they stole, while the deputy provides the counterpoint that the group has no evidence they DIDN'T steal the boat. Unsurprisingly, they are not able to convince the police of this egregious assault on logic. However, Nancy mentioning her father's name always does the trick, as he is seriously the George Clooney (or Jurj Clooners?) of lawyers. Everyone, everywhere knows about Carson Drew.<br />
<br />
Even though Mr. Wheeler is missing, the gang finds a new lead: a girl in town who has a similar name to the missing heiress, Jody Horton (the girl in town is named Jodine Anderson). This is a razor thin lead, but of course, turns out to be correct. The girls are able to prove that Jodine Anderson is really Joanie Horton, they find Mr. Wheeler trapped in the castle, and the villains are finally caught.<br />
<br />
Who sent the moonstone, you may be asking? Well, apparently a former housemaid who assisted Hannah Gruen when Nancy was younger got into a bad relationship. Once she overheard her husband's plans to stop the Drews from finding the girl by any means necessary, she sent Nancy the stone as a warning. I don't really know how the villains knew that Carson and Nancy were on the case so fast, but whatever--it was a medium-exciting reveal.<br />
<br />
As you can probably guess, this one didn't end up being a favorite upon re-reading. I give it 2/5 mags (some enjoyable pieces, but not enough to save it from the inevitable deja vu of coming after <i>The Clue in the Crumbling Wall).</i><br />
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Head Injuries: 0 (18 total)<br />
<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-57724367906858767302014-09-10T14:32:00.004-07:002018-07-14T22:27:24.895-07:00Book #39: The Clue of the Dancing PuppetEver since I saw <i>Chucky</i> and especially the episode of <i>Buffy the Vampire Slayer</i>, "Puppet Show<i>," </i>I've always thought puppets were a little creepy. They move in jerky, peculiar movements like zombies and have frozen, unchanging faces like clowns. Like I said, mega-creepy. This is particularly the wooden or doll-like puppet. I take no issue with Muppet-style puppets, as their cute and malleable faces seem to register emotion where dolls and dummies cannot. The dancing puppet in this book definitely falls into the creepy category. Life-size and made of wood, these puppets totter around throughout the mystery, pretty much totally freaking everyone out, myself included.<br />
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<i>The Clue of the Dancing Puppet</i> is one of those N.D. books I always forget how much I love. It really does have a little bit for everyone and the narrative never falters or drags. The story starts with Nancy being asked by a local theatrical group, The Footlighters, to solve an intriguing mystery. The Van Pelt Estate, which the troupe uses for their rehearsals and performances, has been the site of several bizarre sightings--a life-sized ballerina puppet moving around the grounds. Since Bess is already a member of the community, she persuades them to let Nancy and George join so that they can work on the grounds without suspicion.<br />
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What Nancy fails to realize is that there is clearly a worldwide network of criminals who have her name and picture in their headquarters. KSTR Headquarters (kidnappers, swindlers, thieves and ruffians) is located, of course, in River Heights, where all major criminals commute on a bi-monthly basis. Once Nancy is approached for a case, or happens upon one, the signal sounds and all KSTR members get ready to break into the Drew house, steal Nancy's car, or make a threatening phone call. Works every time....oh...wait. It totally doesn't.<br />
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Our villain makes a creepy threatening phone call right off the bat, doubling Nancy's interest in the case, and she promptly ignores it. Bess, George, and Nancy head to the Van Pelt estate and start investigating. After a thorough search of the place and a very early head injury (Nancy is struck by a small cannonball and SHOULD be dead, but let's ignore that), the girls have found TWO creepy puppets, but not the ballerina one that has been sighted. The girls decide to take in a nice, big dinner with their hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton Spencer. The description of the food makes me noshy, as per usual, and I am driven to the kitchen.<br />
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<i>Swallow, belch</i>. I'm back. If I'm not careful, these food descriptions will drive me to pack on more pounds than Bess after a couple dozen ears of cheese corn.. <br />
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No sooner than the girls have met their hosts, as well as the Spencer's good friend Emmett Calhoun (a pretentious Shakespeare loving buffoon fondly refereed to as "Cally Old Boy"), they are in a hit-and-run accident and EACH suffer a head injury. While there have technically been FOUR head injuries in the first 75 pages alone, I will keep my count to two as I am only tracking Nancy's brain damage.<br />
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Despite the fact that Nancy should by all rights be drooling into a cup, she continues her investigation. As she begins to look into the members of the Footlighters, she finds something even more dangerous than a cannonball to the head: Tammi Whitlock. Tammi had apparently been anticipating Nancy's arrival and had spoken out very strongly against her and George being allowed into the theater troupe. A stone-cold diva, Tammi will not abide by anyone potentially taking away her turn in the spotlight. She clearly has it in for Nancy, as well as her shy young understudy Kathy who has been dating the male lead, Bob Simpson. Another wrinkle: while Nancy suspects that Tammi may have some connection to the mystery, Cally Old Boy blocks her at every turn. Despite the fact that he is old enough to be her MUCH OLDER father, Emmet Calhoun can think only of two things in this life: Shakespeare and Tammi. Unfortunately for him, he's more likely to get sexual healing from the cold, dead corpse of the Bard than Tammi.<br />
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When Tammi goes off (probably thieving) and fails to show up for a rehearsal and performance, Nancy is able to take over. Why? Because, despite her two head injuries and having been busy with the case, she's memorized Tammi's lines. And of COURSE she's a natural actress, because Nancy is practically perfect in every way. <br />
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I must point out that, at this time, other than a short subplot about small-time thieves operating out of a local restaurant, we have no motive or clue regarding the puppet, which has shown up two or three times throughout the book. Is the figure a scare tactic, or a distraction?<br />
<br />
It's a bit of both, but I'll get back to that.<br />
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Curtains up, and Nancy is awesome. She's somehow even better than Tammi, who has been rehearsing for weeks. Hamilton Spencer is ready to cast Nancy in every lead role, when she points out that she's there to solve a mystery. Being of a singularly artistic temperament, he does not take this well, but reluctantly agrees. <br />
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Meanwhile, the cover story on the local news is Nancy's superior performance in the play. The author even goes so far as to say she's pretty much blown Tammi Whitlock out of the water. Yikes. Watch out, Nancy. Hell hath no fury like a Whitlock scorned. Also, it must be a particularly slow news day if that's the top story.<br />
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The thieving ring is eventually caught in a somewhat anticlimactic scene, and we discover that there is a motive: a secret hidden in a FOURTH creepy puppet. Whaaaaaa? As Nancy is looking for another puppet, one appears on stage in front of her. But...what's this? It's not a puppet but a human being! TAMMI!<br />
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Tammi attacks Nancy in a jealous rage but Nancy is ready for her. "I'm gonna tear you a new puppet-hole, bitch!" she screams, lunging at Tammi and finishing her off for good...<br />
<br />
Okay, that didn't happen, nor did they get into a hilarious wrestling match, during which a giggling Nancy declared: "You're a bloody puppet!" I guess that all went down on that puppet episode of <i>Angel</i>. But it's just so funny!<br />
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What actually happens is that Tammi's attack leads to a tearful confession of her involvement in the mystery. As it turns out, she had turned her less-than-honest brother onto the possibility of a valuable hidden secret when none other than Cally Old Boy let her in on the contents of an old diary he'd found. Poor Cally was never involved in any of the deception or thievery with Tammi and her gang, but wanted so badly to please the MUCH YOUNGER girl that he broke. Oh, yeah, he<i> broke</i> like that glass cow in the Mr. Sparkle commercial. Either way, Tammi's Bieber-esque behavior and trickery didn't find her the secret and she is taken away by the police. Muhahahaaa.<br />
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The secret turns out to be a patent for an aluminum fuel cell that operates off of melted chemicals. Wow, does that NOT sound green. But Nancy happily gives the earth-killing patent to the Footlighters, who sell it for a pretty penny, their shows funded for years to come!<br />
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This one was just great-- 4 1/2 out of 5 mags.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #2d2d2d; font-size: 20px;"><b>Head Injuries: </b>2 (18 total)</span><br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-79297639083594812472014-08-29T10:09:00.002-07:002018-07-14T22:20:11.063-07:00Book #38: The Mystery of the Fire DragonExplosions, Kidnappings, and Doppelgangers, oh myyyyyy!<br />
<br />
See what I did there? It was a Wizard of Oz and George Takai reference all rolled into one. Primo.<br />
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This book would appear to have everything. It's action-packed, contains both doppelgangers and head injuries, is chock-full of explosions, and features Ned. What else could a girl want? Well, unfortunately, while this all looks good on paper (metaphorically, of course--I mean the book IS on paper), it definitely suffered in execution. Most of this suffering was at the hand of mid 20th century cultural insensitivity and a preponderance of coincidences.<br />
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Our story begins with Nancy receiving a letter from Ned, who is in a cultural exchange program in Hong Kong. While she is marveling at the idea of traveling there, her father says there might be a case he is working on there she could help him with. At the VERY SAME TIME, Aunt Eloise calls with a mystery involving an older gentleman from Hong Kong named Grandpa Soong.<br />
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Now, imagine I'm Will Arnett as I say this...<i><span style="font-size: large;">C'MON! </span></i><br />
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But, okay, I've gotten past the most ridiculous series of coincidences since the prevalence of delinquent sailors in River Heights. Moving on. As we get to New York, the mystery hits the ground running with an explosion. After the dust settles, so to speak, we find out that Grandpa Soong is a man who occupies the adjoining duplex-style apartment with Aunt Eloise. His granddaughter, a college student named Chi Che, left a very mysterious letter and has likely been kidnapped. As soon as Nancy sets out on the case, she is hounded by a series of oddball villains with names like Ferdinand Breen, Smitty, and Skinny Kord. <br />
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Very quickly, the girls realize that Chi Che looks a lot like George and they decide to trick the villains by having our favorite tomboy prance around town in a high-necked silk dress and affected eyeliner (cringe!). The ruse works, only too well. The villains attempt to kidnap George and later succeed in kidnapping Bess. All the while, I am left to wonder why in the hell this gang of ne'er do wells cares about Chi Che or Grandpa Soong enough to go to all of this trouble. Grandpa Soong is an archaeologist working on a manuscript about a hidden frieze, but it doesn't sound to be particularly valuable. Nevertheless, the manuscript is stolen and I begin to accept the fact that these villains are dumber than the idiots from <i>The Ringmaster's Secret</i>. <br />
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Just when the girls start to settle down and relax for a moment...ANOTHER EXPLOSION! Someone has put a firecracker too close to the gas main in Eloise's kitchen. I honestly have no idea how there aren't more injuries in this book. <br />
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BUT, WAIT! Nancy investigates and is smashed over the head. Boom, head injury. <br />
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Eventually, the girls discover that Chi Che has been moved overseas. The coincidences start to figuratively close in on me as Nancy finds out there just happens to be a student trip to Hong Kong with enough seats for her, Bess, George and her father. And they can stay with Ned! Seriously, I love Ned, but this is just one happenstance too many.<br />
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Before they leave, however, two things happen. First, there are about 10 pages peppered with fat jokes about Bess and, despite the fact that she laughs it off, I feel like punching George. Lay off the girl! We all like bonbons, and judging from the cover art she's got maybe five pounds on you guys. Sheesh! Secondly, they begin to wonder whether they can go at all because there is ANOTHER THREAT OF EXPLOSION. The villains make a bomb threat on the plane and it's only by way of Nancy's clever use of their surveillance equipment that the girls are able to make it appear as if they are heading home.<br />
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...off to Hong Kong!<br />
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The rest of the book is actually quite interesting, with Ned being a font of information on Chinese culture due to his stay there. Of course, it's all from a white dude's perspective, but whoever ghostwrote this clearly read a book or something. because it actually comes across as information about Chinese culture rather than crass stereotyping a'la Leaning Chimney.<br />
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Between visits to the opera and local gardens, Nancy manages to track down the villains (again, <i>Skinny Kord</i>?!) and discover that their motive wasn't based on the manuscript at all but on Chi Che discovering their smuggling ring. The crooks had simply stolen the manuscript to make sure any evidence of their crime was destroyed. Ah, okay. They are upgraded to only minorly stupid. After a thrilling sequence involving Nancy escaping the villains with Chi Che, only to be taken aboard a plane that may be shot down, the crooks are finally arrested and the smuggling ring is dead. Wa-hoo!<br />
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I must also mention a delightful scene in which Nancy discovers Chi Che's location when she overhears one of the criminals screeching that "Chi Che's off the junk!" I, of course, did not realize that Chinese sailing vessels are called "junks" so you can imagine my confusion amid lines like: "Where are they? They're on Mr. Lung's Junk!" and "At that very moment Nancy was being pushed aboard the large, sumptuous junk." Heehee. Sumptuous junk.<br />
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In any event, this book definitely had some issues, even aside from the multitudinous coincidences. While this is common at the time, the number of times Asian individuals were referred to as "The Chinese" or "Oriental" was overwhelming. At times I felt as if I was reading the prose of my racist, out-of-touch Great Aunt Flotilda. Flotilda doesn't exist of course, but you get my point. <br />
<br />
I am taking away two full mags, but adding half a mag for the better-than-average action and suspense. 3 1/2 mags out of 5.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Head injuries: 1 (16 total)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Doppelgangers: 1 pair</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Explosions: 2 (9 total)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Kidnappings: 3 (infinity total)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Fat jokes: 5</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Weirdest Villain Name: Skinny Kord</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Most Hilarious Moment: My confusion over the word "junk"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Cultural Insensitivity: 1.5 liters</span><br />
<br />
<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-27522207645329621862014-08-22T14:28:00.001-07:002018-07-13T10:00:36.710-07:00Book # 37: The Clue in the Old Stagecoach <div class="graf graf--p graf-after--figure" id="e145" name="e145" style="--baseline-multiplier: 0.17; background-color: white; color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.84); font-family: medium-content-serif-font, Georgia, Cambria, "Times New Roman", Times, serif; font-size: 21px; letter-spacing: -0.003em; line-height: 1.58; margin-top: 38px;">
Nancy vs. No-Good Thieves…and <em class="markup--em markup--p-em" style="font-feature-settings: 'liga' 1, 'salt' 1;">Fuzzy Lumpkins?!</em></div>
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Our next book finds Nancy, Bess and George hiking up a steep hill, on the way to investigate their next mystery. Of course, Bess (our resident “shopping is exercise!” advocate), is already complaining that they shouldn’t take on any case that involves such a drastic elevation change. Unsurprisingly, her suggestion falls on deaf ears.</div>
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The girls are visiting Mrs. Strook, who lives in a village near a camp that the girls are visiting on their neverending summer. The kindly old woman, unlike our usual charity case, is living well, but wants the girls to help unearth clues to an old family treasure that could provide the money to build a new school in Francisville. Apparently, Mrs. Strook has a great uncle named Abner Langstreet who hid a vital clue to the treasure in an old stagecoach.</div>
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Pretty much from the moment Nancy agrees to solve the mystery, she is beset by a nosy couple named Ross and Audrey Monteith, a surly libertarian named Judd Hillary (think more Fuzzy Lumpkins and less Gary Johnson…in fact, that’s Judd Hillary’s name now) and a pack of mysterious thieves who make off with the old stagecoach as soon as she has it.</div>
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The Monteiths, a couple in their 30’s, are this book’s Mortimer Bartescue. They are arrogant, obsequious, insufferable buttinskies (yes, I need all those adjectives!) who insist not only on talking to Nancy and her friends every chance they get, but eavesdropping on every conversation. First of all, I have to point out that, as a woman in my thirties, if I showed up at a summer camp and inserted <em class="markup--em markup--p-em" style="font-feature-settings: 'liga' 1, 'salt' 1;">myself</em> into the activities of teenagers, I’m sure it would go a lot worse than it did for the Monteiths. At least Nancy and her crew simply ignored them and made up polite excuses at first.</div>
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As the book progresses, however, Nancy just says “screw manners” and starts ditching them. And, honestly, I don’t blame her. Of course, just as in some of the earlier books, we are left to puzzle over if they are simply an annoyance (like Bartescue) or part of the larger crime ring (think fake Prince Michael). In this case, they are totally guilty.</div>
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While in Francisville, Nancy is also accosted by Fuzzy Lumpkins. He basically accuses her of ruining the town and creating more taxes for the townspeople.</div>
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Uh, what? How, we are forced to wonder, is that even possible? Who goes around accusing random people of putting “city folk ideas” into the local townspeople’s heads, raising taxes and limiting hard-working Americans’ right to bear arms and kick the ass of…oh, wait. He’s this guy:</div>
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Yep. That all makes sense now. Nancy is unsure as to whether he is just afflicted with those pesky bonnet bees, or if he is also part of the criminal ring trying to keep her from the treasure. However, I <em class="markup--em markup--p-em" style="font-feature-settings: 'liga' 1, 'salt' 1;">am</em> sure. Guilty.</div>
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While Nancy dodges the Monteiths and Judd Hillary, she, Bess and George also find time for some tennis and water ballet. The girls sign up for a comedic clown-themed water performance and I am torn between delighted anticipation and cold fear at the thought of clowns chasing me down like sharks in the water. During this story, the girls are being “escorted” by three other boys (whose names I refuse to remember because they aren’t Ned, Burt and Dave). While I totally get that these other boys are more of a “group hang” scenario, I still get enraged at the idea of Ned being replaced. Could be leftover PTSD from the Nancy Drew Files. In any event, Ned, Burt and Dave do show up in the home stretch to help out and I am placated.</div>
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In the end, Nancy and the gang are able to track down the clue in some letters left at a local farm. They dig up the old stagecoach (despite a botched poisoning attempt by the Monteiths) and find the treasure. A classic line is uttered at the end, when the Monteiths, Fuzzy Lumpkins, and two other local toughs are brought in on theft and attempted murder charges. As the bad guys are led away, Bess sighs and says: “Oh, why can’t people be honest?”</div>
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Um, because there would be no books, Bess. And River Heights would be filled with normal, boring citizens instead of embezzling sailors.</div>
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But, seriously. How cute is Bess?</div>
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This one was very good. It was well-paced and didn’t try to fit too many mysteries into one case like some of the books do. However, the end was a bit rushed, and where the hell was that clown water ballet? My fear has passed and now I want it! Ah, well.</div>
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4/5 Mags</div>
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Head injuries: 1 (15 total)</div>
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K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-31197040693002171502014-05-30T13:45:00.001-07:002018-07-12T18:17:40.838-07:00Book #36: The Secret of the Golden PavilionThat's right, gang...it's time for a spinoff. You fell in love with hard-boiled Nancy Drew in <i>River Heights: Criminal Suspicions. </i>Now get ready to dig even deeper into the dark underbelly of this idyllic Midwestern town in <i>River Heights: Gangland Style.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<b><u>RIVER HEIGHTS: GANGLAND STYLE</u></b><br />
<b><u><br /></u></b>
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Nancy Drew sits in a private helicopter, petting her dog, Togo. Evidently, when your dog wins first prize at a dog show, they take you home in a helicopter.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy Drew: </b>[peering out the window] Oh look, it's our house, Togo. Wait...what's that? Some kind of ruffian trying to break in? Chauffeur, fly closer please!<br />
<br />
<b>Pilot: </b>Ma'am, I'm a certified pilot, not a chauffeur. Also, we can't just "fly closer" to a suburban neighborhood. That's how helicopters fly into houses. Also, why in the hell did I take this job escorting the dog show winner in a frikkin' helicopter?!<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>[rolls eyes] Whatever. I'll take those binoculars. Wait--it is!! Someone is breaking into our house! And with such an interesting ladder...<br />
<br />
<b>Pilot: </b>What could be interesting about a ladder?<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>Chauffeur?<br />
<br />
<b>Pilot: </b>[clenches teeth] Yes, ma'am?<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>My father is an important lawyer. I will now have to insist that you shut your pie-hole.<br />
<br />
<b>Pilot:</b> Yes, ma'am.<br />
<br />
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Carson Drew: </b>Nancy, I want you to meet Mr. Sakamaki. He has a mystery for us.<br />
<br />
<b>Mr. Sakamaki: </b>Yes, it is most intriguing. I recently inherited my grandfather's estate in Hawaii but another family has come forward to claim the inheritance. They are loud, pasty white and fat American types.<br />
<br />
<b>Carson:</b> [nodding] That does sound like Americans...<br />
<br />
<b>Mr. Sakamaki:</b> Well, it doesn't end there. Not only are these albino fatties trying to claim my estate, there's also been some mysterious damage done to our legendary golden pavilion.<br />
<br />
<b>Carson:</b> Hey, Nancy! That's the title! It's titular!<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>Hmmmm...I don't know. We sort of already have a fascinating mystery going. I call it "The Case of the Collapsible Ladder." <br />
<br />
<b>Mrs. Sakamaki: </b>With this mystery, you get to go to Hawaii.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> Sold!<br />
<br />
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Chief McGuinness: </b>So, it looks like the man who rented the collapsible ladder to break into your house fits the description of the leader in an international gang called the Double Scorps. We would have never figured that out if it wasn't for the strangely-apt description you and several townspeople gave of the man and his unusual tic. Who would have thought so many people would remember the way a man played around with his hands?<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>[laughing] Well, it was quite unusual, Chief. These criminals, with their swarthy looks, weird birthmarks, signature tattoos, and idiosyncrasies. Frakkin' amateurs is what they are. Am I right?<br />
<br />
<b>Chief McGuinness: </b> [chortling] Signature tattoos--that's my bread and butter right there.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>Isn't that the truth? Well, I'm off to learn some more about Hawaiian characters and legends.<br />
<br />
<b>Chief McGuinness:</b> That's right! Nancy, what on earth are you still doing here? It's been seventy pages! Shouldn't you be already <i>be</i> in Hawaii by now?<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> I just need to lock down a few details before I go, Chief. So far I'm not quite sure that the international gang will follow me to the islands yet.<br />
<br />
<b>Chief McGuinness: </b>You know they always do.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> [shakes head] Frakkin' amateurs...<br />
<br />
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Bess Marvin: </b>Oh, what a frightful journey! But here we are in beautiful Hawaii. Now it's time for some fun in the--<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> Not so fast, Bess. We have a gang to catch. Someone's still hacking away at the beautiful golden pavilion on the Sakamaki estate. And I spotted a ghostly figure dancing there last night.<br />
<br />
<b>Ned: </b>But not an actual ghost, right?<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Nancy: </b>[laughing] Of course not a ghost. It's never a ghost.<br />
<br />
<b>Ned:</b> Right.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> Maybe if I take over the role of the ghostly dancer, we can draw out the gang and catch them in the act...<br />
<br />
<b>George: </b>Wait, the gang? I thought we were looking for the chunky inheritance thieves Mr. Sakamaki told us about.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> George, what have we learned after all these [year]?<br />
<br />
<b>George: </b>[sighs] Of course. They're all in it together. You know, even on a good day, these fools couldn't hit their ass with both hands.<br />
<br />
<b>Ned:</b> What?<br />
<br />
<b>George:</b> Forget it, Ned. it's Chinatown.<br />
<br />
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Nancy: </b>Well, we did it! We brought down the gang.<br />
<br />
<b>Ned: </b> And found a treasure!<br />
<br />
<b>George:</b> And I just kneed this guy in the balls.<br />
<br />
<b>Gang leader: </b> OW!<br />
<br />
<b>Bess:</b> And I just found this ham!<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> [smiling] Looks like it's time to celebrate. GANGLAND STYLE!<br />
<br />
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Sinister music plays as we pan over River Heights. Nancy and her friends are stepping off a small airplane when Carson Drew approaches, hat in hand.<br />
<br />
<b>Carson: </b>[tears in his eyes] Nancy...<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> What is it, Dad? <br />
<br />
<b>Carson:</b> It's the collapsible ladder company. With all the bad press, and the gang, I'm afraid [chokes out sob].<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy:</b> No....no no! Don't tell me...<br />
<br />
<b>Carson:</b> The patent didn't go through.<br />
<br />
<b>Nancy: </b>NOOOOOOOOOOOO! <br />
<br />
<b>[CLANG CLANG!]</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Alright, I potentially had a bit too much fun with that. But, for some odd reason, that ladder was really memorable. <br />
<br />
This one was good, but I admit not as great as I remember. As mentioned earlier, a good 70-80 pages go by without Nancy and friends heading to Hawaii and I did get a bit antsy. Once our sleuths get to Hawaii, the story really does pick up but I'd say the story tops out at 3 1/2 out of 5 mags.<br />
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<b><br /></b>K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-79502372682174566012014-05-09T13:06:00.003-07:002018-07-12T18:13:21.052-07:00Book #35: The Haunted Showboat Nancy vs. car thieves, bombs, pissy Mortimer Bartesque-esque fops, and...the horrors of the Bayou!<br />
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<i><br /></i>
<i>The Haunted Showboat </i>has two very important distinctions: One, it is the first book in the original series that isn't revised (the remainder of the "yellow" series--up to 56 or 64 sepending on who you ask--does not have revisions) and also, it's likely the best mystery.<br />
<br />
I know I've already made such claims with Tolling Bell and will make such claims again with my first-read Nancy Drew and fave <i>The Secret of Shady Glen</i>. But...at least so far I have to say this is my favorite actual mystery. I won't be able to give it a full score, despite my love of the story, because reviewing these books while medium-woke keeps me from doing so, and the book is LADEN with predictable racisms surrounding New Orleans and Voudon culture. Like SO many stereotypes that my face was just frozen in that Chrissy Teigen cringe GIF for whole scenes.<br />
<br />
Our mystery starts off quickly with Bess teasing a trip to New Orleans for her cousin Donna Mae's wedding and a possible mystery aboard a showboat. I really do love when the mystery is kind of handed to Nancy as the thin plot devices that have led her into others are getting a bit hard to believe. The girls decide to head off to Louisiana on a road trip in Nancy's little convertible, but before they can...NANCY'S CAR IS STOLEN!!!<br />
<br />
Alright, that didn't need to be in all caps, but there you have it. For all of five minutes the girls think their trip is ruined, but then Carson Drew shows up like a really, really rich knight in shining armor (the armor is so shiny because he's so rich) and presents a brand new convertible. because he was thinking of getting her one anyway.<br />
<br />
Wow. It's really a wonder Nancy Drew didn't turn out a stupid, spoiled princess with all the cars her father buys her. I'm pretty sure this is her fifth new car. Anyhoo, they head out on the road in the brand new car but are plagued throughout the entire road trip by the car thief, who Bess originally spots when she recognizes an ink stain in the back seat of Nancy's stolen car. Every time the girls set off again, something goes wrong with the car. The rear housing falls out, and the girls find a bomb strapped under the car. <br />
<br />
I'm sorry, but what kind of thief steals a car and then uses the STOLEN CAR to continue terrorizing the victim of his crime? Well, the kind of thief that only stole the car in the first place to keep Nancy from going to New Orleans, but we'll get back to that later. Even with that, though, it's pretty moronic for the guy to use Nancy's vehicle to stalk her. Lamesauce. (The thief is lamesauce, not this mystery so far, which is amazeballs).<br />
<br />
After several more incidents in this cat-and-mouse game (at one point, the thief somehow leads them up an icy path where a telephone pole is downed and sparks are flying everywhere. Then, I'm pretty sure he causes a blizzard, which leads me to the only safe (and conservative) conclusion: the car thief is Saruman.<br />
<br />
So, the girls end up taking the path to Moria--er, I mean the longer path and finally arrive in New Orleans. When they get to Bess and George's cousin's estate, however, they find that their formerly sweet and laid back cuz is now a high-maintenance bratzilla (that's right, I just created a word. If the genuises over at Burritozilla can do it so can I). They get the whole story behind Donna Mae's wedding: apparently she had been engaged to a super-nice local boy named Charles Bartlome but ditched him unceremoniously when the aforementioned fop, Alex Upgrove came along. Alex Upgrove, though Oxford educated, is apparently not as attractive and thrice as annoying as Charles Bartlome and nobody knows what in the hell Donna Mae is thinking. Nevertheless, her parents are throwing an elaborate wedding party aboard a showboat where the bride and groom dress up like a prince and princess. The only problem? A serious of strange noises, mysterious calliope music and ghostly sightings...<br />
<br />
Is this starting to sound like a reality show to anyone? <i> My Big Fat Bayou Wedding? Runaway Bratzilla? The Real Belles of New Orleans? Pimp my Showboat? </i> Wait, I've got one more in me... <i>World's Deadliest Showboat Hauntings?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Nancy, as always, agrees to take the case, but is foiled at almost every turn by Donna Mae, who wants everything focused on her, and Alex Upgrove, whose nosiness about the mystery is starting to make the girls suspect that he might be involved in the alleged "haunting." That's right, folks. All hauntings are now in sarcastic quotation marks. My faith has been shattered.<br />
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Finally, Nancy is able to slip away and find time to check out the showboat, aided by Donna Mae's ex Charles Bartlome. He's been working to restore the boat for Donna Mae's parents (a glutton for punishment, apparently) and offers up two of his best friends to accompany the girls to the haunted boat. Nancy accepts their platonic invitation, as she's used to there being three friendly, non-sexually aggressive men to escort them whenever Ned and co. aren't around. Donna Mae, of course, blows her figurative top as she's already pissed off by Alex Upgrove's strange obsession with Nancy and the mystery. She calls Ned, Burt and Dave at Emerson, making it seem like Nancy and the girls are involved in sleazy New Orleans affairs (it <i>is</i> home to pirates, drunks and whores; tacky over-priced souvenir stores, if you believe the musical). <br />
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Completely unruffled, Nancy is pleased when the boys show up, diffusing any possible hurt feelings or tension, which somehow makes Donna Mae even madder. Wow. Does this girl belong in Sweet Valley or what? In any event, the arrival of Ned finally makes Alex back off a bit from his needling, obsequious behavior towards Nancy. The men are all relieved that their girls haven't strayed, but that relief doesn't last long, as they are recruited to play the part of jesters and clowns in Donna Mae and Alex's ludicrous wedding performance. Nancy, Bess and George all laugh at them mercilessly.<br />
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Meanwhile, Nancy solves at least half of the bayou mystery. The ghostly figures seen on board were apparently an elderly man, Mr. de la Verne who has been taking his ill twin sister to the boat to relive old times. It's a sweet storyline, and one that leads us to the ultimate reveal when the girls look through Mr. de la Verne's old Oxford yearbooks (do they have yearbooks in college?) and discover that the man posing as upper-class Alex Upgrove is a fake! Just as they glean this bit of information, the girls see a face at the window--It's faux Alex! (Fauxlix?) The girls soon get the rest of the story--Fauxlix and Nancy's car thief stalker are in cahoots and have been "haunting" the boat by playing music and making strange noises to detract from their own search for a long-lost treasure. <br />
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BRIEF ASIDE: Do you think all the treasures have been found at this point in time? Probably. It makes me sad to think of all these criminals stooping to boring-old armed robbery because there are no more vague leads to long-lost treasures.<br />
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Anyway, the action ties up with Nancy, Ned and the gang tracking down Fauxlix trying to escape with the treasure using the famous New Orleans Mardis Gras parade as a cover (why he didn't just blow out of town I don't fully understand but whatever). <br />
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They tell Donna Mae the truth about her good-for-nothing fiancee and she quickly pales, realizing she gave up a great man (Charles Bartlome) for nothing and has also been a spoiled, ridiculous douchebag. Undeservedly, she starts seeing Charles again and they soon announce their re-engagement. Bess and George are happy to have their cousin back and not the insufferable chore of a girl we've been dealing with for the entire book, but I kind of wish she would end up alone. Am I becoming less of a romantic?<br />
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Well, my newfound apathy regarding happy endings for complete a-holes aside, this was really a great mystery. Note I said <i>mystery</i>. I can't praise the book as whole because of the really cringe-worthy representation. And while William Shatner might scoff at this, I cannot in good faith review these books without pointing out the elements that could legitimately would kids. If I can't say that these things are wrong, what the hell am I doing reviewing these children's books? Other than having a ball swearing about them, that is?<br />
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This one would ABSOLUTELY get 5/5 mags but I take away a full mag and a half for racism, add a bonus half mag for it being hands down the best actual mystery in the bunch, and thus it is 4 out of 5 mags.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Less-than-quaint racisms: Um, yikes. Lots.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Head injuries: 0 (14 total)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">New Cars: like a million...probably 5</span><br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6000519559284927013.post-77679599289426049572014-05-08T14:14:00.000-07:002018-07-12T17:55:48.054-07:00Book # 34: The Hidden Window Mystery (Original Edition)This thriller starts with an intriguing and original mystery. A blundering local postman, who has been working the neighborhood "forever" is accused by a nasty neighbor of losing or perhaps stealing an important (and perhaps <i>mysterious</i> letter).<br />
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Where do I start with this innovative plot? A postman accused! A mysterious letter! It's....wait. Wait just a minute. <br />
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It's the exact beginning plot of <i>Nancy's Mysterious Letter</i>. And what the hell happened to Ira Dixon? I know he was set to retire, but this Mr. Ritter has allegedly been there "forever." What the hell? <br />
Well, fear not, chums. This isn't the only mystery. In fact, there seem to be about <i>one gazillion</i> packed into 200 pages. <br />
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<b><u>Mystery #1: The Strange Case of the Derivative Storyline</u></b><br />
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First, the postman is accused of stealing a hundred dollar bill that was supposedly mailed to Mrs. Dondo, a gossipy new neighbor who claims her brother, Alonzo Rugby (VILLAIN!), sent her the cash in the mail. Who sends cash in the mail? First mistake. Also, Mrs. Dondo is what Eric Cartman would refer to as a "Super King Kamehameha Beeyotch." She proceeds to run around the neighborhood spreading rumors about Nancy (for a while insinuating <i>she</i> took the money) and generally assassinating the character of poor Ira Dix--er, Mr. Ritter.<br />
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Look out, Mrs. Dondo. Nancy Drew does not take kindly to those who mess with local postmen, apparently.<br />
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<b><u>Mystery #2: The Hidden Window Mystery</u></b><br />
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In what seems to be a total diversion from this initial crisis, Nancy reads about an English man's plea to find an old stained glass window featuring a knight with a peacock symbol. A thin lead causes Nancy to arrange a trip to Charlottesville, VA to meet with an artist who specializes in stained glass windows. In a remarkable (yet I will not remark on it) coincidence, Nancy's cousin Susan Carr lives there with her husband. The girls arrange to stay with the Carrs and head off.<br />
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In an idiotic move, the villains (who Nancy doesn't even know about at this point) send our girl detective a fake telegram from Cousin Sue saying that they are not welcome any more and should not travel to Charlottesville. Of course, this only piques Nancy's interest, and she, Bess and George arrange for a hotel with their endless supply of travel money.<br />
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<b><u>Mystery #3: The Mystery of the Masked Man</u></b><br />
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The girls have only just arrived in Charlottesville when they hear a news report on the radio that announces a bad car accident. The report lists none other than Susan Carr as a victim of the accident! The news report then goes on to describe Cousin Sue's vehicle, make and model and announce which hospital she was taken to. Good going, news. I would SO want you on the case if I was in a car accident that was clearly not accidental. Why don't you let us in on some good local knife sales and give us the room number too? Morons. Anyway, Nancy and co. dash to the local hospital, where they discover that Susan was run off the road by a man in a mask. When the girls question her about the strangely brusque telegram, Susan says she has no idea what they are talking about. <br />
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Way to jump the gun, villains.<br />
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<b><u>Mystery #4: The Screaming Peacocks of Cumberland Manor</u></b><br />
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When Susan and the girls head back to the Carr estate, Susan's husband Cliff announces that he has yet <i>another</i> mystery for the girls to solve. I must point out that even George rolls her eyes at this point and says: "Not another one!" I feel that, George. But buckle up. There are more mysteries ahead.<br />
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Anyhoo, this neighborhood case involves some mysterious circumstances surrounding Cumberland Manor, which an older man named Mr. Honsho bought a few years back. Since the man moved in, he has refused to open the grounds of his estate for the famed annual garden show. In fact, he put a high wall around the property and doesn't want to chat with any of his neighbors. Not to mention the fact that strange screeching noises come from the house every night.<br />
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Okay, first of all (I've said it before and I'll say it again)...<i>first world problems</i>. He won't open his house for a garden show? Boo-frikkin'-hoo. The Carrs seem nice, but they're starting to sound a lot like the 1%. Also, this Mr. Honsho sounds like my kind of guy. Likes his privacy? Check. Refuses to engage in inane chatting? Check. Strange noises coming from the house at night? Well, check but don't get too excited. I just have a really loud laugh and the nighttime is when I watch <i>Brooklyn 99</i>.<br />
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Despite the ridiculousness that is this "mystery," Nancy accepts. When she and the girls try to visit, they are turned away by a young cowboy-looking groundskeeper (A cowboy? In Charlottesville?). They wander down the road a bit farther and see a beautiful but creepy looking estate bordering the Cumberland property called "Ivy Hall." Could it be another mystery? Confusingly, yes.<br />
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Back to <b><u>Mystery #2: The Hidden Window Mystery</u></b><br />
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Nancy tracks down the stained glass window artist, Mr. Bradshaw and worms her way into taking lessons from him so that she can scope out his studio. Unsurprisingly, Nancy is a natural at stained glass window making. And why not? She certainly picked up Pennsylvania Dutch pretty fast.<br />
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Nancy sees from a magazine clipping that Mr. Bradshaw has also read about the reward and search for the hidden window--could he be the one trying to keep her off the case? <br />
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Eh, I don't know, guys. He doesn't have a very interesting name. And he's not described as wiry, shrewd, dark or piercing. Something doesn't add up...<br />
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Oh, wait, his assistant is Alonzo Rugby, the "dark," "small eyed" and strangely named brother of King Kamehameha Beeyotch Mrs. Dondo. Suddenly it all makes sense. You know, these books make me wonder how much the police are taking tips in racial profiling from Nancy Drew... Anyhoo. For a while, Nancy is able to pick up clues and ward off Rugby, but eventually Mr. Bradshaw accuses her of snooping (justifiably) and she is asked to leave the studio.<br />
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This apparently causes a problem for the Carrs, who are now losing dinner party guests as the Bradshaws have shunned them. More first-world problems.<br />
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<b><u>Mystery #5: The Clue in Ivy Hall</u></b><br />
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A friend of the Carr's, Sheila Patterson (and her daughter Annette) corner Nancy at the Carr's dinner party. They have another mystery for the girls to solve. At this point, I become concerned that George's eyes will roll right out of her head. Mrs. Patterson, an actress, recently purchased the creepy-looking Ivy Hall but is now afraid that it is...<i>HAUNTED</i>! <br />
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Sheila just doesn't know what to do! If she sells the estate, she may not get a good price and might not even be able to (gulp) keep her servants. Oh no!<br />
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Another thing--not only have the Pattersons been hearing strange noises from their house, but they have also heard the odd shrieking. One night, Sheila saw a peacock wandering around the Ivy Hall grounds and is certain that it's a bad omen (apparently there is an actual theater superstition about peacock feathers and disasters on the set).<br />
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After several stakeouts of Ivy Hall and an ingenious scheme to smoke out the ne'er-do-well, Nancy figured out that Luke, the cowboy-looking groundskeeper from Cumberland Manor is behind the "haunting." A poor ranch hand, Luke read about the hidden window in the same magazine and thought that it might be in Ivy Hall due to the estate's rich history. At first, the creepy sounds he made were accidental--just banging around in the attic and walls--but then he realized that if the ladies thought the house was haunted he could have free reign to look around. In the end, Luke made some mistakes but isn't our real bad guy. Annette, Sheila's daughter even pities him enough to let him take her out on a date. Bess warns her that "pity is akin to love" and that she'd better watch out. Truer words have never been spoken, Bess.<br />
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Of course, Luke <i>was</i> right about the location of the hidden window...<br />
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<b><u>Mysteries #1-5 Conclusion</u></b><br />
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In a fairly quick wrap-up, Nancy and the gang locate the hidden window just in time to expose Alonzo Rugby, who, along with his King Kamehameha Beeyotch of a sister Mrs. Dondo, was already trying to sell a cheap copy of the stained-glass masterpiece to its seeker. Nancy exposes him, reveals the real hidden window and saves the day...<br />
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...and I have whiplash from the sheer volume of mysteries. I really did like parts of this (especially the Ivy Hall plotline) but I felt the whole story was just too diffuse.<br />
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Mags: 3 out of 5<br />
Number of times I hate rich people: [tugs collar nervously]<br />
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<br />K Alice Sandryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12715977190913048973noreply@blogger.com0