Book #44: The Clue in the Crossword Cipher

This book's got a little bit of everything: travel, intrigue, natural disasters, interestingly-named villains (El Gato), disguises and phat George Fayne judo moves.  Unfortunately, there's one other not-so-great thing this novel has in spades: the constant fat shaming of Bess Marvin.  Thus, part of my review will be in the form of a Lifetime or Hallmark movie, entitled:

Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: 

The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin

A small town girl, Bess Marvin never imagined she'd end up as the unwitting third member of a detective team.  All her life, she'd been scared--scared of smugglers trying to kill her, of out-of-place sailors, and most of all--letting people in.  You see, Bess faces a tragic hardship.

Her parents, if you can call them that, are basically invisible.  Barely around, they only seem to show up when their house is being robbed, their family fortune in question, or as a dim voice at the other end of the phone when Bess is asking to fly off on one of her many trips with girl detective Nancy Drew.  At first, Bess was happy with the freedom Mr. and Mrs. Marvin's negligent parenting allowed.  But, as the year wore on for some eighty years, their careless attitude gave Bess a complex.  Why is it that her parents never seemed to be around?  So, Bess did the only thing she could do: eat.

Yes, she ate and ate and ate.  Of course, realistically, she only ate a little more than her friends.  And all illustrations depict her as vaguely the same size as her cousin, George and friend, Nancy Drew.  Why then, is she the constant butt of jokes and subject of ridicule?  Why can't her friends just let her eat that second piece of corn with swiss cheese on it?  Bess doesn't know.  All she knows is that life scares her.  And carbs are great.

"I'm just so excited about this trip to South America," Bess Marvin exclaimed, tossing her mane of light blonde hair.  "I might just burst."  Bess placed her hands on her slightly curvaceous hips.

George Fayne snorted in reply.  "My dear, fat cousin," she said.  "Maybe hold onto that feeling.  Because then maybe you won't eat so much, fatso."

Bess's eyes glimmered with tears, but she said nothing.  The girls' trip to Lima was peppered with just such remarks--George grabbing her arm as she went for an extra piece of bread, George laughing at her desire for South American food, and George warning her not to eat that extra corn cobb with cheese on in.

Barely able to take it, our heroine takes to the streets on her own, only to be asked out by some smarmy loser and then chased by a ne'er do well.  Winded from the extra cheese corn, Bess falls to her feet in tears.  Can she possibly overcome these hardships?  Was George right?  And will the fat shaming ever end?

Sadly, this book has a tragic end.  Despite Bess's bravery in the face of villains, she is left just as she is at the start: a scaredy-cat.  The butt of a joke.  Too fat...to ride an alpaca.

The End

***

Alright, so there was actually a mystery in here too.  A Pervian American Princess (PAP?), Carla Ponce, asks Nancy to solve an old family mystery.  The Ponce family has a very old wooden plaque left by a centuries-old relative.  There is a message on the plaque, but in cipher form and has been very difficult to interpret.  There are long-standing rumors of a family fortune as well, something that Carla Ponce and her parents scarcely seem to need.  But, despite the fact that this mystery has no obvious charity case, Nancy is intrigued.  Adding to the risk factor is a letter sent to Carla that says: "Cuidado con el gato," or, for you English-only speakers: Beware of the cat!

Nancy, Bess, George and Carla fly to Lima, Peru, where her parents live.  Of course, even before they leave, several attempts at theft are made on the plaque and we know that some gang of villains has figured out that they are on the trail of a treasure.  When they arrive in Peru, they meet all sorts of shifty figures, any of whom could be the mysterious El Gato.  Because the wood from the plaque comes from the arreyanes forest, Nancy asks to go there. 

Because they can just fly to Argentina, no problem.  Hah!

Oh, wait.  I forgot.  Carla's parents are rich, and willing to fly Nancy anywhere.  Apparently, it coincides with some kind of golf tournament in a fancy hotel.  Seriously, do these people really need a fortune?  

Over the curse of the book, Nancy and her friends travel to Argentina and the famed  Machu Pichhu with a paid guide.  They eventually solve the code on the plaque, which ends up being something like "purple monkey dishwasher" but I don't really remember.  Eventually, they realize that El Gato himself is a smuggler that has been posing as the assistant to a woodworking master they had previously asked for help.  They had suspected him of being a part of the gang all along but--surprise, surprise--he was the final boss.  

Well, "final boss" in the sense that he was the main villain.  He actually confessed and went pretty quietly.  Once they were rid of El Gato, the Ponce's dug up their ancestor and robbed his shallow grave of its riches.  Yaaaaayyyyyy!...?

This book was actually quite good, save for the constant fat shaming of Bess.  Seriously, I kind of wanted to punch George in the face throughout the book.  At one point, she tries to ride an alpaca (hence my Lifetime title) and is told she must be too heavy because she weighs over a hundred pounds.  Is that really fat back in 1967?  Or is Bess like 4'8"?  Because, estimating Bess's height at a petite 5'2", even if she weighed 120 that would be within a normal weight range.  

And I know that George is the main offender here, but I feel like Nancy could step in.  Because right now, I feel like I'm solving The Mystery of the Terrible Friends.  Let Bess eat her frikkin' cheesy corn.  Unless the cover art depicts her as 100 lbs. lighter than she actually is, she's fine.

Nevertheless, as a mystery, this one gets a strong 4/5 mags.

Head injuries: 1 (21 total)
Explosions: 1 (10 total)
Fat jokes: Oh my, yes...

Book #43: The Mystery of the 99 Steps

...or, as it's known by me: The Mystery of the 12-15 Staircases, All of Which Have 99 Steps, also known as The Case of the Frightened Fincancier.

I'm back, everyone!  I took a little respite due to holiday business but now I'm back on that addictive Nancy Drew juice, and I hope to crank out a few more reviews before the year is out!

This tale starts, as per usual, back in River Heights, where Nancy is explaining to Bess and George that they must accompany her to France for a case that she calls "The Mystery of the 99 Steps," accompanying Carson Drew on his own legal case. This mystery is so named because a local French ex-pat, Josette Blair has been having numerous recurring dreams about a secret on a 99th step.  She shared her dreams with a few, but then received a letter in French that said: Tell no one about the 99 Steps.  --Monsieur Neuf 

Quickly, Nancy also explains that a pair of French siblings (Monique and Marie Bardot) will be taking their place in a sort of foreign exchange deal, with Nancy and the girls staying with the sisters' parents in France.  George jokingly asks if there will be a boy to replace her, and I raise an eyebrow, but choose to let my favorite tomboyish character work out her gender identity in her own time.  The Bardot sisters have barely arrived when a strange man strong-arms his way into the Drew home.  He shoves a letter into Nancy's hand and leaves.  And what does the letter say, you may ask?  Well, fortunately, they don't pull a Nancy's Mysterious Letter and make us wait 75 pages.  The note says, in clear bold writing: STAY OUT OF FRANCE!  --MONSIEUR NEUF

Alright, it's time for me to bring up the name.  I did a lot of soul searching about this name.  Monsieur Neuf...best villain name so far?  It is hilarious, like the name of a nebulously foreign Scooby Doo bad guy.  But, as it always has so far....it always comes back to Snorky.  Heh.  Snorky.

Anyhoo, once again an idiotic villain has chosen to peak Nancy's curiosity by threatening her rather than playing it cool.  Good going, Mister Nine.  When Carson comes back home to discuss the details of the trip with the girls, they find out that he wants their help on a mystery he likes to call: "The Case of the Frightened Financier."

Okay, wait.  Is this the mystery of the 99 steps or the frightened financier?  Even before these two cases are inexplicably linked, I'm already confused.

Apparently, some investors have hired Mr. Drew to find out why a French mogul has been selling stocks and securities in his company without any reason or financial advice.  Such a dramatic move has already had an effect on the economy, as it is a huge company.  Nancy and the girls agree to help him.  Before they leave for France, however, Nancy helps the Bardot sisters settle in, even asking them to sing in a local review.  Unfortunately, the man who had left the note (is he Monsieur Neuf?) stalks the girls and almost attacks them.  The man is caught and I briefly wonder how there is still 150 pages left in this book, until I remember the 99 steps and financier.  The man, named Claude Aubert, is clearly connected with the mystery/mysteries but Carson, Nancy, Bess and George have little time to  figure this out as they are scheduled to leave.

And off to France we go!

The rest of the book is mainly a series of amusing montages featuring the girls locating several staircases with 99 steps.  Some have suspicious markings, some have children in suits of armor, some have giant French women who threaten to bump the girls down each of the near 100 steps like an Oompa Loompa.

Of course, as is usual with Nancy Drew books in foreign locations, there's also a lot of history and education.  The case of the frightened financier turns out to have a lot to do with alchemy, as Claude Aubert's twin brother (Louie Aubert) has been posing as a Middle Eastern swami-type man that has convinced the financier, Monsieur Leblanc, that he can turn any substance into gold.  While in his Arabian gear, the girls simply refer to Louie Aubert as "The Arab" over and over again until my politically correct ass starts rolling around in its future grave.  The girls also realize that Josette Blair's memory of the 99 steps is due to the fact that her governess as a child was involved with, and now married to, the villain Louie Aubert.  It was a recovered memory of something that scared her as a toddler.

The frightened financier is obviously very grateful, as is Carson Drew, who offers Nancy half of his legal fee.

Um, what about Bess and George?

Anyhow, all's well that ends well (except for poor Bess and George, who paid for a trip to France and get little acclaim) with another two mysteries solved.

This book is definitely enjoyable in some ways, but there were quite a few issues for me.  For one, we never really get to know Ms. Blair, so her mystery always seems quite vague and I never really care about it.  The frightened financier seems like an idiot, and part of me feels like he's similar to the characters in The Ghost of Blackwood Hall--too stupid for me to feel bad for.  Also, there are so many superfluous French characters that are too minor to care about but take up text nonetheless, and it was very difficult for me to keep track.  Also, Louie Aubert has so many aliases by the end of the book that Monsieur Neuf is all but forgotten.  Boooooo.  This one gets 3/5 mags.  Not great, but certainly not bad either.

Head Injuries: 0 (20 total)

Best Villain Name Runner-Up: Monsieur Neuf!

Book #42: The Phantom of Pine Hill...FEATURING GUEST REVIEWER, MAREN!

 Hey there everyone, Maren here J So I have the joy of reviewing the only book that can compete for #1 against Clue in the Diary. The Phantom of Pine Hill. The reasons for loving this book are numerous and, if you don’t agree, well you’re just wrong. Ok no everyone can think whatever they want, but since I’M writing this I can say what I want, heh heh.

First off, literally on the first page, we already have a Ned Nickerson saves the day moment! The girls have come to visit the three boys during a week of Emerson fun. Now I hardcore love Ned Nickerson, and I mean that truly, I may have judged every date I've ever had against him and unsurprisingly my husband is actually pretty close. What was I saying? Oh yeah Ned already saves the day, which just shows how much he’s going to be in this one, which makes for a happy Maren.

Ok seriously enough Ned distractions. The titular phantom “resides” at John Rorick’s (also known as Uncle John) mansion. Nancy, Bess and George stay with him following a motel mishap and get to stay there for the week rent free, so long as they help catch the phantom! Woohoo excitement J Luckily we do not have to wait long for the phantom to make his first strike! Within the first ten pages Nancy returns to the house to change her party dress after a waiter named Fred Jenkins spills punch on hers, and discovers that her pearl necklace has disappeared!! Later that night Nancy does what she always does and hears a creaking in the dark house and decides to investigate...ALONE!! Because she legitimately thinks that’s a better idea. I mean, I understand not bringing Bess since she sometimes can’t stop talking, but, hey, why not George!? At least she came to her senses and didn’t go outside when she saw a fleeting light in the woods. Good move, Nance. Later that morning after breakfast we get introduced to mystery #2! Uncle John’s ancestor who came to this country in the 1700 had a young French bride. When they had a daughter, Abigail, the French family sent a chest of gifts. Which got lost in a steamship (the Lily Belle) accident. In the river like 50ft from the house. Are we dealing with sunken treasure!? (ummm the answer is always yes.)

Hmmm I wonder if the two mysteries might SOMEHOW be connected. Anyway it can’t be all work and no play. The girls go to the Emerson crew race, because OF COURSE, Ned is on the crew team. Isn’t he just perfect? Ned and Nancy have a quick impromptu picnic before the race, and who is lurking about, but Fred Jenkins. Hmmmm 2 instances of seeing this guy in 3 chapters? Yeah he’s got more involvement! Crew race happens, Emerson wins (DUH) and it’s all very exciting. Ned and Nancy decide to take a romantic canoe ride....over to the site of the Lily Belle sinking. Hmmm Nancy I believe you have ulterior motives here...not just trying to get alone time with Ned! Although gotta love how he puts on his professors cap and explains the history of the phrase “two bits.” But wait, what’s this? A motorboat is trying to run them down!! Accident #1.

What is Nancy’s solution? To go alone into the woods to search for the motorboat captains accomplice. Always with going alone into the woods right Nance? Only creepy thing to happen, however is a piece of paper that floats down on her from above that is blank except for two perfect thumbprints. UMMM HOW IS THAT NOT CREEPY AND ALSO JUST PLAIN WEIRD? Ok thank god for Bess who bluntly just declares how creepy that is later on.

Ok time for the Emerson dance. Nancy get’s all pretty, and her beauty causes Fred Jenkins (him again?) to drop a vase of flowers he’s carrying. Like he actually tells her she shouldn’t be so beautiful because he got distracted by it which caused him to drop the vase. While she waits for Bess and George, Nancy gives the adorable housekeeper, Mrs. Holeman a lesson on how to look for clues to how an intruder could get into the padlocked library. However, after 5 minutes Mrs. Holeman declares that since Nancy has found no hollow spots in the walls then it must be a spook. Like a ghost. Is it ever actually a ghost though? I’m thinking no. Nancy does go in to the library and find that some of the hidden money she had discovered the day before has gone missing. DUDE THIS LIBRARY IS PADLOCKED! HOW IS HE GETTING IN! Ooooooh maybe it is a ghost. Ok no just kidding it’s never a ghost.

Mrs Holeman has to go out of town suddenly. Uncle John has already gone away for a few days. You know what that means. Nancy, Bess and George in a haunted creepy house all alone. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Which means Nancy and Ned (oooh la la) are going to do a stakeout in the locked library all night to see if the phantom shows his or herself. Well sadly, the only shenanigans that occur overnight are actually a prank played by Bess and George. Also there’s a later moment where George teases Bess about her weight. Something no Nancy Drew would be complete without. Poor Bess L And there’s a moment with the Chief of police who decides Nancy isn’t a flighty bimbo; he actually admits that he thought she had mislaid her pearl necklace and just got excited over nothing. What a jerk. Also Fred Jenkins is being nosy again. But that’s no surprise. Ok random interlude stuff over and Bess finds a clue! Go Bess!

Wow I really need to be less wordy in my reviews. I’m not even halfway through the book yet. Ok I may need to edit for the rest.

Maybe.

What?--I love Nancy Drew!

Don’t judge me!! You don’t know Maren.

Wow ok panic moment over. Back to the big Emerson pageant. Ned, dressed as an American Indian,  swoops up Nancy and "kidnaps" her and take her to “treasure spot.” Burt is dressed as a fully bearded captain and Dave plays what appears to be Noah on his ark and it goes on and on because racism. This ends up being the spot where the main Pine of Pine Hill is said to be the site of a buried treasure! Sadly, not the Lilly Belle treasure.

The crew all goes back to Uncle John’s only to discover that the locked library in the locked house has been torn to shreds!! Cue Twilight zone music. (now tell me you didn’t just hum that in your head!) Ok off to the dance (another one!? Geez where do the girls get all their frocks....pretty sure Target and TJ Maxx didn’t exist yet) And at the dance a big announcement is made! Ned has been made fraternity president! Seriously is there anything wrong with him? Long nose hair? An awkward mole? SOMETHING?

The happiness form the night is semi dampened when the girls return to Uncle John’s to find a threatening note from the phantom. It’s quite terrifying. Especially since, in the note, the phantom refers to himself in the third person. Woooooooooooo scary. This prompts Nancy to begin a search of the house again to find hidden panels. Because in this type of scenario there are ALWAYS hidden panels. And sure enough she finds one! Unfortunately she tugs on it too hard and it falls on her hitting her hard, causing her to black out. Accident #2, Blackout/Head Injury#1.

A day or so later, after she recovers, the three go digging at an old burial ground which is no longer actually there. Bess screams and what has she found? A HUMAN SKULL. Gross. Poor Bess...again.  They go investigate some caves in the area and see someone spying on them.  When going to investigate, George and Nancy are standing closeish to the edge when the ground under them gives away and they slide/roll/fall down the hill! Accident #3. Bess runs down to check on them and manages to get a glimpse of who she thinks is the spy.

Hmmm I wonder who it is? Is it Fred Jenkins perhaps? I’m thinking its Fred Jenkins.

Yup it’s Fred Jenkins. Told you.

Back at the house Nancy asks for some info on Fred from Mrs. Holman. Hmmm he’s a loner who lives with his dad. Sounds ripe for being a Nancy Drew culprit to me. Nancy investigates a little more then it’s time for evening festivities with the boys. The evening is marred a little though when Nancy’s car is stolen! Seriously so much happens in this one! And it’s stolen from Uncle John’s house, not like a public lot. Hmmm looks like Fred Jenkins stole it. Under the pretense of washing it. Fat chance! Hah!

Well it’s a new day and you know what that means? Time to investigate the library again. After finding some clues involving freshly mown grass (Hermione would love it) there doesn’t seem to be much else out of place. EXCEPT THE PRICELESS COIN COLLECTION! Seriously there was a coin in there worth 7500 bucks. And that was in 1965......oh man that’s a pretty penny (heh heh). But there’s also still the question of how the phantom is getting in and out of this room.

Nancy and Ned go off on a scuba adventure to try and find the Lily Belle. Meanwhile, back at the house, Bess, George, Burt and Dave decide to do a little investigating of their own. They do all they can to find a way in and out of that library. Which ends with Dave disappearing headfirst down the chimney. Accident #4.

Nevermind that at the same moment Nancy and Ned are diving and Nancy gets her oxygen hose tangled and she can’t breathe underwater. (Does that count as Accident #5? Maybe 4.5 it’s a smaller mishap easily and swiftly rectified) After their diving adventure gives them no solid clues they drive home, taking a detour by Fred Jenkins house. Who should they see but Fred’s father, WHO IS ALSO THE OTHER MAN THEY’VE BEEN SEEING IN THE WOODS?! Ooooh a father/son duo. I like it. Nancy and Ned totally break the law and investigate the Jenkins house after the two men have left and find nothing, although Ned does come up with an amusing rhyme. They do, however, find a key making machine (seriously who other than criminals has one of THOSE just lying around at home) which explains how Fred was able to take Nancy’s car!

Going back to the house leads to yet another investigation of the library. This time it is to discover the last of the hidden money has been stolen. Nancy is fed up and determined. This time she is finally successful. In the dining room, with a nail file (she killed Colonel Mustard), she finds a lever that opens a secret passage! Huzzuh!! George is the first to investigate and hidden in the passage is the missing coin collection. Score 1 for George!

We are winding down and you know what that means? Time for a stakeout! The girls hide in the library when a man in stocking feet and gloves comes in. They watch him steal some costume jewelry and Nancy bursts out to confront him. He sprays her with something that knocks her out. Oops. Knockout #2. He does the same to George who has come to Nancy’s aid. Bess who is still hiding almost panics but comes to her senses and shouts and the guy and before he has a chance to spray her she throws a heavy book at him!! Woohoo way to go Bess! Bad guy loses his balance and falls hitting his head. Bad guy taken down by Bess. Yet another reason to love this particular book so much. But it’s not over for her. While the three others lay unconscious Bess calls the cops. As she waits for their arrival Fred comes in the house. OH NO! What does Bess do best? She flirts with him as a distraction. Dude Bess totally saves the day in this one I love it J She even tempts him with cake and everything. Just in time for the cops to show up and chase him down and arrest him. Suckaaaaaaa!

Turns out Fred and his father WERE looking for clues to the missing treasure lost on the Lily Belle. (like we didn’t see that one coming) Fred also admits that he and his father had stolen the coins and the money and Nancy’s pearl necklace. And golly Pa Jenkins admired Nancy’s grit so much he was going to tell her where everything was. Wow, what a nice thief!

Now it wouldn’t be a proper Nancy Drew conclusion without the miraculous discovery of the treasure! Struck by genius Nancy and the gang go to an old stump near the tribal village site/burial ground and dig up and old tree stump! Woohoo there’s all the treasure! Trunks filled with gold coins as well as the missing Rorick chest were indeed buried underneath. Yaaay happy ending!!

Man I forgot how much I love this one....

Soooo many accidents and head injuries....gotta love it! 5/5 mags.

Head Injuries: 2 (20 total)

Accidents: 4.5 (Infinity total)

Book #41: The Clue of the Whistling Bagpipes

RIVER HEIGHTS CRIMINAL SUSPICIONS: INTERNATIONAL VILLAINS UNIT

[CLANG CLANG!]

Villainous Sailor: Alright, IVU team.  I heard from our central unit in River Heights that Nancy Drew is heading out on some kind of trip to Scotland.  We need our best men on this NOW.

Random dark and shifty dude: But that's where we have our sheep thieving ring!  Noooooo!

Shrewd-Looking Man #5: Can I say something?

Villainous Sailor: Only if it's not some terrible advice about not drawing attention to ourselves by leaving the Drew girl alone.

Shrewd-Looking Man #5: Shutting up now.

Villainous Sailor: Listen, gang.  The sheep thieving ring isn't our only problem.  Nancy Drew is taking the trip to track down a family heirloom we stole.

Shrewd-Looking Man #5: Can't we just mail it back or something?

Villainous Sailor: (rolls eyes)  No, we can't just mail it back.  Don't you know there's a narrative structure we have to follow?  Attack the girl in her home, do something to her car, send a threatening note or make a call, follow her on her trip, and then cause a series of easy to escape accidents.  Is that so difficult?!

Shrewd-Looking Man #5: (sighs) No, sir.

Random dark and shifty dude: So what's our first move?

Villainous Sailor:  Something different.  Something she'd never suspect...

Random dark and shifty dude: A conspicuous car crash?

Villainous Sailor: That's the ticket!

Shrewd-Looking Man #5: I'm gettin' too old for this shit...

[CLANG CLANG!]


Okay, I can't keep up a whole entry in Criminal Suspicions IVU without sacrificing our heroine's perspective so back to the normal review.  Despite the fact that pretty much all the Nancy Drew international mysteries follow this predictable theme, I have forgiven this one for one very good reason.  Which I will explain later.

Our mystery starts out in River Heights as Carson tells Nancy of a priceless family heirloom (and her inheritance) that has gone missing.  Nancy's great-grandmother, whom she has never met, insists it must have been stolen.  Nancy quickly agrees to take the case (doesn't hurt that the prize is a priceless heirloom) and the Drews are going to Scotland!

But wait.  Bess shows up, saying that she's been given two tickets to any destination in Europe as she's won an international photo prize for a picture she took of Nancy.  Herein lies the snag that makes the usually ludicrous villain commute between far-off lands and a Podunk suburb of Chicago seem a bit more realistic.  The picture, which depicts Nancy with a magnifying glass and accompanies an article about her girl detective skills, is a surefire way to alert any criminals keeping their ear to the ground that she might be coming to bust up their gang.

Despite being a little irritated at a clueless Bess, who has probably blown her cover until the next major disaster, Nancy tells her to give the spare ticket to George so they can both accompany her to Scotland to find the missing brooch.  The widely-circulated article brings something to this particular story that we haven't really seen before, which is Nancy suffering the negative effects of her celebrity.  Her and her father's notoriety has mostly been used to get Nancy and her friends out of a jam when they are framed for a crime or scoffed at in disbelief.  But, in this case, Nancy is immediately inundated by fans, hoping to get the autograph of  the famous girl detective.  She gives out her signature to a few children for fun, but worries when one of the kids sells her autograph to a smarmy looking dude in the crowd.  She tries to protest but he says, I kid you not, "Thanks, baby!" and shuffles off.  Will we see this man again?  My vote's YES.

Meanwhile, as Nancy prepares for her trip, several not-so-bizarre incidents befall her.  Her car is crashed into, she receives a threatening note about any car she's in being destined for an accident, and she receives a bomb threat.  Needless to say, the trip to Scotland sees some white knuckles among our group.  However, Nancy, Bess, George and Carson safely land.

Before setting out to the more rural area where her great-grandmother, Lady Douglas, lives, the girls do some sightseeing.  This is one of the best devices of the international mysteries for kids, as the cultural information is generally quite expansive and interesting.  This book proves to be no exception.  The tour guide/chauffeur tells the girls tales of kings, war and bloodshed, not to mention a few obscure Scottish jokes.  He does so in a written Scottish brogue, with all the canna's and dinna's you could ask for.  Despite Bess's objections when the stories get too bloody, I personally was pretty riveted.

On their trip, Nancy and the girls even learn about the history of bagpipes, at which point Nancy attempts to play.  Now, if any regular person were attempting to play the bagpipes for the first time, they would sound a lot like Ross from Friends sputtering out "Celebration" while their friends looked on in abject horror.  Not Nancy, of course.  No one can believe how great she is!  She could go pro! Everyone is awestruck, but they don't know as I do that Nancy is an android.

Before the girls head to the countryside, Nancy connects with Ned, who has just returned from a school trip to South America.  BRIEF ASIDE: WTF?!  What is this guy studying, ambassadorship? He was just in frakking Hong Kong!!!  Anyway, she asks him to look into who wrote the accompanying article in the magazine that has brought her all this celebrity since Bess had no idea.  He discovers that the writer is a man she doesn't even know.  Hmmmm...a villain?

Nancy, et. al head off to see Lady Douglas when they realize they are being followed.  Nancy thinks he looks vaguely familiar, which I can easily attribute to the fact that, from his description, he is Groundskeeper Willie.  Before you tell me I'm being Scot-ist, he was red-haired and bearded with "crazy red side-whiskers" and a kilt.  Um, that's Willie.  With an air of caution, Nancy and the girls meet up with a guide, Fiona, and head across a loch to the small village near her great-grandmother.

After a heartwarming first meeting, Nancy and her great-grandmother become fast friends.  Lady Douglas explains that the heirloom, a beautiful brooch, was basically there one day and gone the next.  Nancy sets out to search the area, discovering that there has also been a rash of sheep thefts across rural Scotland.  It would appear that the pelts are being sold through underground dealers, leaving the local farmers impoverished.

Throughout the investigation, however, Nancy becomes more and more frustrated as people keep identifying her as the girl detective they've all been reading about.  It seems she's always a few steps behind the criminals while the article is out.  Another snag reveals itself when the police try to arrest Nancy because a forger has been using her signature (from the autographs) to write bad checks.  The officers soon realize Nancy is not this kind of girl, however, and soon agree to help with the case.

Nancy soon realizes that the sheep thefts are being carried out after the signal of a particular bagpipe tune being played over the hills and schemes to play the tune herself.  Newly a bagpipe prodigy (apparently) Nancy is able to catch the thieves with the help of her great-grandmother's staff, Fiona, the police and Bess and George.   As it turns out, Groundskeeper Willie is actually the smarmy guy who bought her autograph in a Groundskeeper Willie costume.  He shouts: "No Scotchtoberfest?  Ya used me Skinner!  Ya uuuuused me!" and is led off to prison with the rest of the sheep-stealing clan.  It would appear that the criminals' inability to not steal Nancy's heirloom is really what led to their downfall.  And, of course, that these criminals are idiots.

I hadn't read this one in a long time and wow did it hold up.  It had great action, was rich in historical info, used Ned, George and Bess, and offered up the interesting twist of Nancy struggling to do her work under a spotlight.  I give this one 5/5 mags.

Book #40: The Moonstone Castle Mystery

And so we review The Clue in the Crumbling...

Wait a minute.  You say this isn't The Clue in the Crumbling Wall?  But, there's a castle...and a missing heiress.  And a moat.  And action scenes with boats on the river.  And a kidnap victim hidden in the castle...

Are you sure?

Oooohhhh, you say: "But, there's a moonstone!"

Sure.  Totally different.  I get it.

Of course, my text drips with sarcasm.  While I can't say I didn't enjoy The Moonstone Castle Mystery, I must admit that it is far too derivative of it's predecessor, The Clue in the Crumbling Wall.  Only it doesn't have a hilarious scene with George losing her clothes.

The story begins with Nancy hearing about a mystery, a missing girl who is set to inherit a large sum of money but went missing after the death of her guardians.  She is almost immediately sent the cryptic gift of a moonstone which, the accompanying note says, will keep her from danger.  Is this note from friend or foe?  I can't really say I care, because I'm already feeling like I've read this book before.

Nancy, Bess and George visit Deep River Valley (formerly known as Moonstone Valley...coincidence?!) and stay at a local hotel, where Ned, Burt and Dave are to follow.  Bess soon meets an attractive young man named Alan, and is relieved when he has to leave before Dave Evans arrives as she "hates complications."  Oh, no you don't, Bess!  You loves you some drama!

The girls immediately try to befriend the town busybody, the proprietor of a tea shop and cafe called the Brass Kettle, only to learn that a ne'er do well named Mr Seaman has already been inquiring about her!

Wait, Seaman?  Is this a mother&**^%*ing SAILOR again?

Apparently not; it's just some guy named Seaman.  If that sounds fake, it's because it is.  Nancy manages to evade Mr. Seaman, and she and the girls come across a mysterious castle.  Moonstone Castle.  COINCIDENCE?!  NEVER.  After a number of repetitive scenes wherein Nancy and the girls can't control the mechanism on the drawbridge, they realize someone must be living in the castle.  With this and the name of the castle, Nancy and the girls rightly assume it is somehow connected to the mystery.

After investigating the castle, the girls try to track down the executor of the missing heiress's guardian's will, Mr. Wheeler, but are shut out at every turn.  Then, just when the lawyer seems ready to share what he knows about the missing girl, he is kidnapped from the hospital after a crazy boat chase.  Nancy, of course, would have never let this happen, but she was detained by local police who suspected her of stealing the boat that struck them. Ned points out that they have no evidence they stole, while the deputy provides the counterpoint that the group has no evidence they DIDN'T steal the boat.  Unsurprisingly, they are not able to convince the police of this egregious assault on logic.  However, Nancy mentioning her father's name always does the trick, as he is seriously the George Clooney (or Jurj Clooners?) of lawyers.  Everyone, everywhere knows about Carson Drew.

Even though Mr. Wheeler is missing, the gang finds a new lead: a girl in town who has a similar name to the missing heiress, Jody Horton (the girl in town is named Jodine Anderson).  This is a razor thin lead, but of course, turns out to be correct.  The girls are able to prove that Jodine Anderson is really Joanie Horton, they find Mr. Wheeler trapped in the castle, and the villains are finally caught.

Who sent the moonstone, you may be asking?  Well, apparently a former housemaid who assisted Hannah Gruen when Nancy was younger got into a bad relationship.  Once she overheard her husband's plans to stop the Drews from finding the girl by any means necessary, she sent Nancy the stone as a warning.  I don't really know how the villains knew that Carson and Nancy were on the case so fast, but whatever--it was a medium-exciting reveal.

As you can probably guess, this one didn't end up being a favorite upon re-reading.  I give it 2/5 mags (some enjoyable pieces, but not enough to save it from the inevitable deja vu  of coming after The Clue in the Crumbling Wall).

Head Injuries: 0 (18 total)

Book #39: The Clue of the Dancing Puppet

Ever since I saw Chucky and especially the episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Puppet Show," I've always thought puppets were a little creepy.  They move in jerky, peculiar movements like zombies and have frozen, unchanging faces like clowns.  Like I said, mega-creepy.  This is particularly the wooden or doll-like puppet.  I take no issue with Muppet-style puppets, as their cute and malleable faces seem to register emotion where dolls and dummies cannot.  The dancing puppet in this book definitely falls into the creepy category.  Life-size and made of wood, these puppets totter around throughout the mystery, pretty much totally freaking everyone out, myself included.

The Clue of the Dancing Puppet is one of those N.D. books I always forget how much I love.  It really does have a little bit for everyone and the narrative never falters or drags.  The story starts with Nancy being asked by a local theatrical group, The Footlighters, to solve an intriguing mystery.  The Van Pelt Estate, which the troupe uses for their rehearsals and performances, has been the site of several bizarre sightings--a life-sized ballerina puppet moving around the grounds.  Since Bess is already a member of the community, she persuades them to let Nancy and George join so that they can work on the grounds without suspicion.

What Nancy fails to realize is that there is clearly a worldwide network of criminals who have her name and picture in their headquarters.  KSTR Headquarters (kidnappers, swindlers, thieves and ruffians) is located, of course, in River Heights, where all major criminals commute on a bi-monthly basis.  Once Nancy is approached for a case, or happens upon one, the signal sounds and all KSTR members get ready to break into the Drew house, steal Nancy's car, or make a threatening phone call.  Works every time....oh...wait.  It totally doesn't.

Our villain makes a creepy threatening phone call right off the bat, doubling Nancy's interest in the case, and she promptly ignores it.  Bess, George, and Nancy head to the Van Pelt estate and start investigating.  After a thorough search of the place and a very early head injury (Nancy is struck by a small cannonball and SHOULD be dead, but let's ignore that), the girls have found TWO creepy puppets, but not the ballerina one that has been sighted.  The girls decide to take in a nice, big dinner  with their hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton Spencer.  The description of the food makes me noshy, as per usual, and I am driven to the kitchen.

Swallow, belch.  I'm back.  If I'm not careful, these food descriptions will drive me to pack on more pounds than Bess after a couple dozen ears of cheese corn..

No sooner than the girls have met their hosts, as well as the Spencer's good friend Emmett Calhoun (a pretentious Shakespeare loving buffoon fondly refereed to as "Cally Old Boy"), they are in a hit-and-run accident and EACH suffer a head injury.  While there have technically been FOUR head injuries in the first 75 pages alone, I will keep my count to two as I am only tracking Nancy's brain damage.

Despite the fact that Nancy should by all rights be drooling into a cup, she continues her investigation.  As she begins to look into the members of the Footlighters, she finds something even more dangerous than a cannonball to the head:  Tammi Whitlock.  Tammi had apparently been anticipating Nancy's arrival and had spoken out very strongly against her and George being allowed into the theater troupe.  A stone-cold diva, Tammi will not abide by anyone potentially taking away her turn in the spotlight.  She clearly has it in for Nancy, as well as her shy young understudy Kathy who has been dating the male lead, Bob Simpson.  Another wrinkle: while Nancy suspects that Tammi may have some connection to the mystery, Cally Old Boy blocks her at every turn.  Despite the fact that he is old enough to be her MUCH OLDER father, Emmet Calhoun can think only of two things in this life: Shakespeare and Tammi.  Unfortunately for him, he's more likely to get sexual healing from the cold, dead corpse of the Bard than Tammi.

When Tammi goes off (probably thieving) and fails to show up for a rehearsal and performance, Nancy is able to take over.  Why?  Because, despite her two head injuries and having been busy with the case, she's memorized Tammi's lines.  And of COURSE she's a natural actress, because Nancy is practically perfect in every way.

I must point out that, at this time, other than a short subplot about small-time thieves operating out of a local restaurant, we have no motive or clue regarding the puppet, which has shown up two or three times throughout the book.  Is the figure a scare tactic, or a distraction?

It's a bit of both, but I'll get back to that.

Curtains up, and Nancy is awesome.  She's somehow even better than Tammi, who has been rehearsing for weeks.  Hamilton Spencer is ready to cast Nancy in every lead role, when she points out that she's there to solve a mystery.  Being of a singularly artistic temperament, he does not take this well, but reluctantly agrees.

Meanwhile, the cover story on the local news is Nancy's superior performance in the play.  The author even goes so far as to say she's pretty much blown Tammi Whitlock out of the water.  Yikes.  Watch out, Nancy.  Hell hath no fury like a Whitlock scorned.  Also, it must be a particularly slow news day if that's the top story.

The thieving ring is eventually caught in a somewhat anticlimactic scene, and we discover that there is a motive: a secret hidden in a FOURTH creepy puppet.  Whaaaaaa?  As Nancy is looking for another puppet, one appears on stage in front of her.  But...what's this?  It's not a puppet but a human being!  TAMMI!

Tammi attacks Nancy in a jealous rage but Nancy is ready for her.  "I'm gonna tear you a new puppet-hole, bitch!" she screams, lunging at Tammi and finishing her off for good...

Okay, that didn't happen, nor did they get into a hilarious wrestling match, during which a giggling Nancy declared: "You're a bloody puppet!"  I guess that all went down on that puppet episode of Angel.  But it's just so funny!

What actually happens is that Tammi's attack leads to a tearful confession of her involvement in the mystery.  As it turns out, she had turned her less-than-honest brother onto the possibility of a valuable hidden secret when none other than Cally Old Boy let her in on the contents of an old diary he'd found.  Poor Cally was never involved in any of the deception or thievery with Tammi and her gang, but wanted so badly to please the MUCH YOUNGER girl that he broke.  Oh, yeah, he broke like that glass cow in the Mr. Sparkle commercial.  Either way, Tammi's Bieber-esque behavior and trickery didn't find her the secret and she is taken away by the police.  Muhahahaaa.

The secret turns out to be a patent for an aluminum fuel cell that operates off of melted chemicals.  Wow, does that NOT sound green.  But Nancy happily gives the earth-killing patent to the Footlighters, who sell it for a pretty penny, their shows funded for years to come!

This one was just great-- 4 1/2 out of 5 mags.

Head Injuries: 2 (18 total)

Book #38: The Mystery of the Fire Dragon

Explosions, Kidnappings, and Doppelgangers, oh myyyyyy!

See what I did there?  It was a Wizard of Oz and George Takai reference all rolled into one.  Primo.

This book would appear to have everything.  It's action-packed, contains both doppelgangers and head injuries, is chock-full of explosions, and features Ned.  What else could a girl want?  Well, unfortunately, while this all looks good on paper (metaphorically, of course--I mean the book IS on paper), it definitely suffered in execution.  Most of this suffering was at the hand of mid 20th century cultural insensitivity and a preponderance of coincidences.

Our story begins with Nancy receiving a letter from Ned, who is in a cultural exchange program in Hong Kong.  While she is marveling at the idea of traveling there, her father says there might be a case he is working on there she could help him with.  At the VERY SAME TIME, Aunt Eloise calls with a mystery involving an older gentleman from Hong Kong named Grandpa Soong.

Now, imagine I'm Will Arnett as I say this...C'MON!

But, okay, I've gotten past the most ridiculous series of coincidences since the prevalence of delinquent sailors in River Heights.  Moving on.  As we get to New York, the mystery hits the ground running with an explosion.  After the dust settles, so to speak, we find out that Grandpa Soong is a man who occupies the adjoining duplex-style apartment with Aunt Eloise.  His granddaughter, a college student named Chi Che, left a very mysterious letter and has likely been kidnapped.  As soon as Nancy sets out on the case, she is hounded by a series of oddball villains with names like Ferdinand Breen, Smitty, and Skinny Kord.

Very quickly, the girls realize that Chi Che looks a lot like George and they decide to trick the villains by having our favorite tomboy prance around town in a high-necked silk dress and affected eyeliner (cringe!).  The ruse works, only too well.  The villains attempt to kidnap George and later succeed in kidnapping Bess.  All the while, I am left to wonder why in the hell this gang of ne'er do wells cares about Chi Che or Grandpa Soong enough to go to all of this trouble.  Grandpa Soong is an archaeologist working on a manuscript about a hidden frieze, but it doesn't sound to be particularly valuable.  Nevertheless, the manuscript is stolen and I begin to accept the fact that these villains are dumber than the idiots from The Ringmaster's Secret.

Just when the girls start to settle down and relax for a moment...ANOTHER EXPLOSION!  Someone has put a firecracker too close to the gas main in Eloise's kitchen.  I honestly have no idea how there aren't more injuries in this book.

BUT, WAIT!  Nancy investigates and is smashed over the head.  Boom, head injury.

Eventually, the girls discover that Chi Che has been moved overseas.  The coincidences start to figuratively close in on me as Nancy finds out there just happens to be a student trip to Hong Kong with enough seats for her, Bess, George and her father.  And they can stay with Ned!  Seriously, I love Ned, but this is just one happenstance too many.

Before they leave, however, two things happen.  First, there are about 10 pages peppered with fat jokes about Bess and, despite the fact that she laughs it off, I feel like punching George.  Lay off the girl!  We all like bonbons, and judging from the cover art she's got maybe five pounds on you guys.  Sheesh!  Secondly, they begin to wonder whether they can go at all because there is ANOTHER THREAT OF EXPLOSION.  The villains make a bomb threat on the plane and it's only by way of Nancy's clever use of their surveillance equipment that the girls are able to make it appear as if they are heading home.

...off to Hong Kong!

The rest of the book is actually quite interesting, with Ned being a font of information on Chinese culture due to his stay there. Of course, it's all from a white dude's perspective, but whoever ghostwrote this clearly read a book or something. because it actually comes across as information about Chinese culture rather than crass stereotyping a'la Leaning Chimney.

Between visits to the opera and local gardens, Nancy manages to track down the villains (again, Skinny Kord?!) and discover that their motive wasn't based on the manuscript at all but on Chi Che discovering their smuggling ring.  The crooks had simply stolen the manuscript to make sure any evidence of their crime was destroyed.  Ah, okay.  They are upgraded to only minorly stupid.  After a thrilling sequence involving Nancy escaping the villains with Chi Che, only to be taken aboard a plane that may be shot down, the crooks are finally arrested and the smuggling ring is dead.  Wa-hoo!

I must also mention a delightful scene in which Nancy discovers Chi Che's location when she overhears one of the criminals screeching that "Chi Che's off the junk!"  I, of course, did not realize that Chinese sailing vessels are called "junks" so you can imagine my confusion amid lines like: "Where are they?  They're on Mr. Lung's Junk!" and "At that very moment Nancy was being pushed aboard the large, sumptuous junk."  Heehee.  Sumptuous junk.

In any event, this book definitely had some issues, even aside from the multitudinous coincidences.  While this is common at the time, the number of times Asian individuals were referred to as "The Chinese" or "Oriental" was overwhelming.  At times I felt as if I was reading the prose of my racist, out-of-touch Great Aunt Flotilda.  Flotilda doesn't exist of course, but you get my point.

I am taking away two full mags, but adding half a mag for the better-than-average action and suspense.  3 1/2 mags out of 5.

Head injuries: 1 (16 total)
Doppelgangers: 1 pair
Explosions: 2 (9 total)
Kidnappings: 3 (infinity total)
Fat jokes: 5
Weirdest Villain Name: Skinny Kord
Most Hilarious Moment: My confusion over the word "junk"
Cultural Insensitivity: 1.5 liters