Book #1: The Mysterious Disappearance of Kate Alessandri

Next up is The Secret of Mirror Bay but I thought I'd address the other mystery on the table, which is why I've been missing for the past year.  You see, last year I was enormous with child and, eventually, the desire to do nothing but eat sour gummy worms and binge watch The X-Files for the tenth time overtook me.  I have kept up with my serialized Nancy Drew fiction (which you can find here, in The Sleuth: http://www.ndsleuths.com/thesleuth ) but have lacked the motivation since the baby was born to do much in the way of extracurricular writing.

When I became pregnant, I dreamed of a relaxing maternity leave that would involve me walking the baby down to a local cafe and writing while she quietly slept or cooed and played with toys.  Despite the fact that all parents warned me it wouldn't be that simple, I foolishly clung to the fantasy.  In reality, that scene plays out like this:

--Baby finally seems ready for a nap.  Let's get her dressed and ready to go in the stroller!  

--Oops, she just pooped all over everything.  Better change.

--You know, now it's getting a little chilly, I should bring her a sweater and hat.  

--Aw, man.  Those are in the dryer.  Guess I should wait a bit.

--Ok, dryer is done!  Let's go!

--Oh, wait.  She's fallen asleep on me and now I must sit motionless for the next hour and a half while my bladder slowly fills up...

You get the idea.  Now that I am back at work and have actual breaks that don't involve shoving food in my face while my 20 lb. child yelps and kicks me repeatedly in the boob, perhaps I can get back in the groove.  I will review all 56 books if it kills me!  After the Thirteenth Pearl, I will review my faves as I re-read them.  Now, bask in the glory that is my little girl detective :)

Book #48: The Crooked Bannister

The Crooked Bannister or, if you judge a book by its cover, Nancy Vs. the Evil Robot!

Hold onto your hats, Nancy Drew fans.  This is one of the good ones.  Which, of course, will inevitably lead to a less amusing review.  But still.

The Crooked Bannister is one of my favorites, in part because it has one of the weirdest and best villains, Rawley Banister.  Not only has he excelled in swindling the masses out of their money, but he's used those ill-gotten gains to build the kind of house that children might dare each other to approach on Halloween, a house that was both awesome and looked like what would happen if architecture was a sentient being that threw up everywhere.  First of all, there is a moat surrounding the house that catches fire when you cross it--mega cool.  Then, there's an evil robot that plays cassette tapes. There is a creepy portrait hall with paintings of relatives covered in poison-dipped black ink and, finally, there is the titular crooked banister that seems to run straight through the floor instead of ending at the base of the landing.  So, as you might expect, just in setting alone, this book gets an A+.

Nancy starts on the case at the behest of her father, whose kindly clients have been swindled by the nefarious Rawley Banister.  He insists because of the danger involved that Nancy bring her friends George and Bess along and, because, they're apparently never in school, working or doing anything, they are happy to come along.

Unfortunately, the kindly Bess is herself swindled by an accomplice of Banister, Clyde Mead.  He convinces her to send money to a poor and starving young boy on a reservation and then starts to send her fake letters with pictures of the young boy.  Wait.  Is Sally Struthers also an accomplice of Rawley Banister? Is that reference just a tad outdated?  Either way, George basically makes Bess feel like Queen Doofus of Idiotville for sending the money.

After the swindle, and numerous sticky situations at the Banister house, Nancy brings in more reinforcements in the shape of Ned, Burt and Dave.  The rest of the mystery sees some spectacular kickings of our gang's ass, but not even by the villain himself.  No, he's set up his Smart House (so ahead of its time...) to release evil robots, poison, maim and potentially burn alive any intruders.  I've got to be honest here: after a while, I start to really respect Rawley Banister.  Most Nancy Drew villains are lurking in the shadows, sending threatening notes or locking her in closets to "teach her a lesson" when all it ever does is strengthen her resolve.  This guy just lets his house do it.  Brilliant.

In the end, it turns out Rawley Banister died in a water cruiser explosion (Wow, another jet ski explosion?  Doesn't it seem like people in this universe should avoid them if they're so prone to fiery deaths for the passenger?) and Clyde Mead tries to take over villain duties.  Unfortunately for Clyde, he didn't build an awesome house that will kill for him.  Sorry, Clyde.  Game over.

This one is one of the best, although has the least fodder for reviewing silliness. It’s close to perfect, although I have to take away a mag for the overt white tourism/white saviorism in how they treat the Native children storyline. While it isn’t as overtly problematic as others, it’s an issue that needs to be pointed out. 

4/5 Mags

Head Injuries: While Nancy doesn’t black out, she falls through enough floors and is smothered by enough robots to make me convinced there is at least one head injury here. So 1 (23 total)

Jet-ski Explosions: 1 (it’s been a while — 3 total?)

Book #47: The Mysterious Mannequin

                 River Heights Police Blotter
                                                      Twice the crime in half the time...


RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/9/70 3:00 p.m. The alleged mannequin rapist, Farouk Tahmasp, once wanted for smuggling, is still at large and has contacted girl detective Nancy Drew to return his inanimate model.  Residents have gone on the record to report the man "kissing" and "fondling" the mannequin.  One local restaurant owner claims that Farouk was "in love" and could not stand to be parted from the intoxicatingly beautiful dummy.  Some claim Farouk is a pervert, while others claim that the mannequin may be sexually promiscuous as they saw her "wink" at them.  No leads on the missing mannequin have been reported thus far.

RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 11:52 a.m. An attempted burglary was once again reported at the residence of Carson and Nancy Drew, frequent victims of general nafariousness.  Girl detective, Nancy Drew, reported that a man with a beard and a mustache "of Turkish descent" was responsible for the near-crime.  The man attempted to steal a Turkish prayer rug, sent from agalmatophiliac Farouk Tahmasp, but failed when the Drew's family dog, Togo, intervened.  The man escaped and no arrests have been made.

RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:05 p.m. UPDATE--Sources confirm that the man wanted for attempted burglary on the Drew house procured a skeleton key from local locksmith R.S. Smith.  The man's ads, which boast being able to "open any unusual lock" have now come under scrutiny for, as local girl George Fayne put it, "advertising...to super-duper burglars."  The store is under investigation but no arrests have been made.

RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/10/70 1:48 p.m. Patrons of  nearby dining establishment The Water Wheel Restaurant reported that a local boy nearly drowned today during the lunch rush.  Allegedly, the child was playing near the banks and fell in, swept towards the restaurant's titular water wheel.  Fortunately, local hero and habitual drowning-child-saver, Nancy Drew came to the rescue.  No long-term injuries were sustained.

RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/12/70 10:15 a.m. UPDATE--Local head of the police department, Chief McGuinness reported that RHPD concluded their investigation on the Drew burglary, claiming that the swarthy robber had "probably left town."  River Heights residents reported seeing the chief later at the donut shop adding liquid from a small flask to his coffee and muttering about Nancy Drew making him look bad.  County internal affairs is rumored to be stepping in while the chief takes a brief paid vacation.

ADVERTISEMENT:  Come one, come all and buy your life insurance policy from Ned Nickerson!  Living in River Heights is dangerous--violent crime holds at 48% higher than Chicago and property crime at a whopping 89%!  Your chances of being injured or even killed by one of the many criminals and sailors that reside here are simply too high to take a chance.  Contact Ned Nickerson at 1-800-LV-NANCY and get your quote today!

RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/13/70 12:55 p.m. A disturbance was reported at a Greek restaurant one town over.  Bystanders report a man became enraged after hearing amateur dick Nancy Drew asking "too many questions" of the restaurant's proprietor.  No injuries were reported or arrests made, but a basket of pita bread and large bowl of hummus and Raita was dropped as a result, costing the owner nearly ten dollars in rug cleaning fees.

RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/15/70 8:52 a.m. Yet another disturbance was reported at the Drew residence when a large and vicious dog attacked the teen investigator in her foyer.  Live-in housekeeper, Hannah Greun, turned a hose on the dog.  No serious injuries were reported, but the dog is rumored to belong to who we can now identify as the swarthy Turkish burglar, Aslanapa (a.k.a. "Nappy").  Nancy Drew has gone on record to report that she will be pursuing the "ludicrously-named criminal" to Turkey, where she will continue her search for alleged dummy defiler, Farouk Tahmasp.

RIVER HEIGHTS, 8/22/70 7:16 a.m. The River Heights Bugle just got word that girl detective Nancy Drew, having returned from one of her many lavish trips, has caught the burglar Nappy and found Farouk Tahmasp.  Tahmasp has been cleared of all charges of sexual deviance and smuggling, as it turns out the "mannequin" was actually a woman posing in a store window--a woman who was, as this reporter just discovered--NOT on any paralyzing drugs or roofies.  All criminal parties have been arrested by washed up police Chief McGuinness, and locals report a wedding is in the works between Farouk and the girl who played his mannequin.  A strange news month indeed.

ADVERTISEMENT: Get your grub on at the famous Wagon Wheel Restaurant!  The food is top notch and reports of drowning have been greatly exaggerated.  River Heights teen Bess Marvin says: "The complimentary biscuits were so good, I just couldn't stop eating them!  Well, until my cousin called me fat and I had to bring them into the bathroom to hide my shame.  But the food was great!"  One only mildly chubby teenage girl CAN'T be wrong--visit us today!!!

***************************************************************************

I could go on, but I won't.  This blotter sums up the story pretty well, save for the ongoing clues found in Farouk's prayer rug.  I chose to write this in blotter form because 1) it begged for it and 2) while the story was fine and moved along well, it was ultimately forgettable and a bit of a snore.

3/5 mags


Head Injuries: 1 (22 total)

Book #46: The Invisible Intruder

GHOST HUNTERS: RIVER HEIGHTS

We pan in on young Nancy Drew, our skeptic for this ghostly tale.  Titian haired and primly dressed, Miss Drew doesn't believe that hauntings can be real.  Much like famed skeptic Dana Scully, Nancy believes there is an earthly explanation for everything.  Months (or, more accurately, decades) of solving mysteries has taught her that ghosts are usually 1) Dudes in white sheets, 2) Anything made phosphorous or 3) Projected images.

But, this time, Nancy Drew is going to find out the hard way that ghosts are real.  Oh, yeah.  They are VERY real...

Here are our players:

Nancy Drew: The aforementioned overly logical girl detective.
George Fayne: Doesn't think ghosts are real, but if she's wrong is totally ready to "kick some ghost ass, Judo-style."  Also says "hypers!" a lot for some reason and refuses to allow her only slightly chubby cousin to eat delicious cheese corn.
Bess Marvin: The slightly chubby cousin in question.  Despite being party to Nancy's constant mythbusting of local haunts, thinks ghosts are WAY real and WAY scary.  She's terrified.  And also really wants some bread. And also fuck George.
Ned Nickerson: Long suffering dreamboat.  Constantly takes backseat to Nancy's mysteries and so becomes a part of them to spend more time with her.  Recently abducted in perhaps the most racist Nancy Drew story to date.
Burt Eddleton: "Favorite date" of George even though she never seems particularly interested in him other than as a doubles partner in sports.  Hilarious, but likely harbors unrequited feelings for George who is either totally asexual or in love with Nancy. I could buy either, but she just does NOT seem hetero to me.
Dave Evans: The tall, rangy regular date of Bess's.  Unlike Burt, Bess seems to take him seriously as a suitor.  Loves Bess for who she is but can't resist teasing her--not about her weight, though because he's not an idiot.
Helen Archer (nee Corning): Used to solve mysteries with Nancy but either the publisher decided she was boring (she kind of was) or she got married and ditched Nancy which unfortunately happens a lot in female friendships.  Due to early book discrepancies, we are to understand that she either married later than originally thought or had a hot, steamy affair with the "deeply tanned" Buck Rodman.
Jim Archer: Helen's husband--a jaunty sort of fellow up for anything.
Rita Rodriguez: The requisite believer of the group.  Believes she can send out vibes and find people by scrying and shit.  Only Bess seems to believe her, because Bess will probably believe anyone.
Rod Rodriguez: Skeptic but also a total dick.  Has, for some reason, agreed to come on the Ghosthunters expedition despite the fact that he doesn't believe any of it.  Apologizes for and belittles his wife for her beliefs.  Headed for divorce court any day now.
Bab and Don Hackett: Two other people in the group who I don't even remember as being part of the story.  I probably got tired figuring out dialogue and started ascribing most of it to the group above.  But, they won't be mentioned again.

PROMO

[creepy, child's music box music plays over our title]
Helen: Welcome, ghosthunters!  Are you ready...to be scared?!
[begin night-vision lighting only]
Bess: [shrieks] I don't know if I can do this.
Ned: Holy sh&^%, what the &$#@ is that?
Rita: I can feel the spirits...
Nancy: [ominously] This is different, guys.  This might be the real thing.
Bess: [screams again]

GHOSTHUNTERS!!!

Okay, guys, this book was awesome.  It literally has everything.  A strong, fast-paced plot, a clear and non-ludicrous motive for the villains, and utilization of all the great characters.  Even though I found her a bit dull in the earlier books, I liked that Helen Corning Archer came back instead of simply making up a bunch of new friends.

The story starts without delay--Nancy and her friends have been invited by Helen to a ghost-hunting road trip.  Having heard about several local hauntings, they want to check it out for themselves, either seeing a ghost or debunking the story.  First up is a ghostly canoe that rows itself at a local camp.  Though the ghost hunters see the inexplicable canoe with their own eyes, Nancy remains--as ever--sure that there is an explanation.  Of course, she's completely right.  DAMN YOU, NANCY!!!!!!!

The gang finds that the canoe is mechanized to row itself, with some staging to give it the illusion of being ghostly.  Nancy also discovers that the owner of the lakeside camp/resort has been losing business because of the ghostly canoe and a shady-looking couple named the Prizers have been trying to force him to sell at a low price.  After Nancy and the group solve the mystery of the canoe, the owner finally has the courage to say no, and that is the end of the case of the canoe and the nefarious low-balling...OR IS IT?

The group is on their way to their next destination, another haunted guesthouse, when they stop in to see a fortune teller and medium Madame Tarantella.  She immediately tells Nancy the story of her life (she sometimes foregoes living her life for these mysteries and it may affect her social life one day) and Nancy is rightly suspicious.  Because how on earth (in Nancy's world when fortune tellers are fake) would this woman know so much about her?  Madame Tarantella tries to prove her skills by doing a reading for Bess.  She clearly takes one look at her girly-girl outfit and timid attitude and surmises that she's waiting around for a husband to take care of her.  However, when the medium tells Bess she will be married soon, Bess has a totally understandable freakout that she and Dave will get married before he graduates college and they can take care of themselves.  Poor Bess is teased for days in front of Dave, who is utterly clueless.

Madame Tarantella, who seems to trust Nancy, asks her to look after a bunch of papers for her and promptly disappears, leading us to wonder if the fortune teller is a villain...or a victim.  Soon thereafter, Ned is abducted (likely by the Prizers' gang) but soon finds a way to escape.  Poor Ned just keeps getting abducted.

At the next haunted location, The Red Barn Guesthouse, the gang finds that the owner, Mrs. Hodge, has also been strong-armed by a couple into considering selling her guest house at a low price.  The constant appearance of a ghostly horse and rider has scared all of her guests away and she doesn't know what to do.  At this point, Nancy is pretty sure that the Prizers are responsible for all of these local hauntings in an effort to get cheap land, so she works diligently to debunk the myth.  Unfortunately, the Prizers are starting to get mega-pissed that every owner they've talked to is now stubbornly refusing to sell because of Nancy and her ghosthunting pals.  Getting desperate, they ransack Mrs. Hodge's private room and steal the deed to the house.

C'mon, guys.  That's not how you steal a house.  Unless you also plan to skin Mrs. Hodge and adopt her identity it's not going to happen.

At the gang's next stop, they meet Mr. Warfield.  An old friend of Carson Drew, Mr. Warfield owns an inn that has recently been dogged with rumors and sightings of a ghostly soldier.  Unsurprisingly, it sounds like the Prizers have also made a paltry offer on the place.  Are we sure these guys are the Prizers and not, like, the Hiltons?  This sounds like the kind of dirty deed a hotel conglomerate would do dirt cheap--that's all I'm saying.

The mystery concludes with excitement, when Nancy, Ned, Jim and Helen are trapped in a local museum of skulls by one of the members of the gang.  Using misdirection, the small group is able to trick the villain (Jeffers, a local servant who got mixed up with the Prizers' scheme) and trap him in the very cage they had been locked in.  Soon enough, the gang reunites and the police are able to arrest the Prizers and their confederates, including the total liar, Madame Tarantella.

Madame Tarantella admits that, although she hates Nancy for ruining their scheme, she admires her for her abilities.  She asks her to continue to look over her paperwork while she is imprisoned so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.  Nancy is like "HELLS NO!" and they all head home.  Real estate values are back where they should be and there is nary a ghost in sight because...

...say it with me: IT IS NEVER ACTUALLY A HAUNTING.

I loved this one.  5/5 mags.

Head Injuries: 0 (21 total)

Book #45: The Spider Sapphire Mystery

TW/CW: This one has a SHITLOAD of racial slurs.  Really bad.  I can't believe this is the "new, gentler" version.  But I guess it is the 1960's. 

It's time, guys.  Time for the most ludicrous villain name in Nancy Drew history.  More head-scratching than Mortimer Bartesque, El Gato or even Snorky...it's time for ...SWAHILI JOE! Notice I say most ludicrous though, not best.  Why?  Because somehow even this name manages racism, like so many things about this book.

Yes, our story starts out with Nancy and her friends (including a group from Emerson with Ned, Burt, and Dave) heading out for a safari in Africa.  Before she goes, however, she learns of a mysterious stolen spider sapphire and Ned is kidnapped!

Oh no!  Not NED!

In much faster course than I remember, however, Ned is found after Bess decodes a cryptic call and figures out he's being held in a pear orchard.  He reveals that his captor is none other than...SWAHILI JOE!

Is there anything more problematic than naming someone, even a villain, after the language they speak as if it's a neon sign over their head that says: "Hey! I'm different from this white teen detective and her crew of white friends!" I feel like I'll be able to tell you after this review.

Anyhoo, Swahili Joe is clearly the villain of the book due to his redonkulous name.  Working with him are two "Indian Blacks" named Jahan and Dhan.  Really?  Indian Blacks?  Well, if you think that's bad, it gets worse.  The book goes on to whitesplain the difference between different kinds of Black people in a way that has me ducking out the bathroom to barf. Was it the shellfish, or the unendurable racism in this book?  Well, I didn't eat shellfish, so... 

Yeah. O.  M.  G.

The usually cringe-worthy racial terms in Nancy Drew books really threw me through a loop in this one.  It was all I could do to get through the first 75 or so pages, when the terminology was the worst.  Dude, Stratemeyer syndicate.  These are NOT the preferred nomenclatures.  They're all from Africa.  Just call them African (or Kenyan, or Ethiopian, whatever their country of origin is if known).  Not too hard. I feel the need to reiterate, I am AWARE this is a sign of the times. I don't think we should hide that, or whitewash our own racism. But, that being said, it needs to be pointed out. Because if I'm going to be recommending these books to kids, that IS relevant.

Anyhoo, after drowning in a sea of racisms, I'm back on track.  Before Nancy and the gang head out on safari, two very important things happen.  First, they are able to see an African (I don't know which country she's from because apparently the Syndicate doesn't care) opera singer perform locally before they leave.  The woman, Lilia, explains that she is using all of her tour money to find her lost brother, who was rumored to be mauled while on a job in Mombasa but she believes to be alive.

Another mystery...do you think they'll tie together?

The second piece is that they are introduced to their safari group, including several Emerson students and one Gwen Taylor, a histrionic girl who wears a blonde wig over her brown hair.  Why she would wear a wig and not just dye her hair I don't know.  She quickly shows herself to be the resident pain-in-the-ass of the book by shrieking that her father will sue the safari company and insisting that the guides retrieve the fancy camera she dropped into a bed of wild animals.  Yikes.  Even Gwen's boyfriend seems sick of her shenanigans.  Of course, while the rest of the group has totally written her off as a spoiled brat, Bess sees a mystery only she can solve.  The mystery of a girl who is so insecure thinking that she needs to be blonde that she turns into a total asshole.  When a baboon grabs Gwen's wig right off of her head (yes, you read correctly, THAT HAPPENED) and waves it about in a comical gesture, finally tossing it in the mud, Bess sees her chance.  She gives Gwen a total makeover, showing her how pretty her dark hair can be and, quite suddenly, Gwen is a totally different person.  While I find the idea that a makeover can totally change your persona utter bullshit, my being raised amongst 1990's makeover montages makes me let it go.

Suddenly, Gwen is the best of friends with all the girls.  At their safari resort (really?  there were resorts in Africa and a small liberal-arts university group can pay for that?) the girls all put on a water ballet while the boys clap.  And, when Nancy. Bess and George's clothes are burned by the villains (as if that would stop them), Gwen happily loans them her clothes.  Of course, they have to get loaner shoes from all the girls as there are "no sensible heels for sale in Africa."  And now I'm side-eyeing the book.

A good chunk of the book covers the group's experience in Africa, which is actually quite fun.  There's only little snippets of the mystery but....oh, wait.  I forgot the best part.  When the girls are looking at a group of wild animals over the balcony, George is kidnapped by a baboon as his primate bride!  She is carried off quite a ways before she notices that it is a man wearing a baboon suit.  She wrenches the head of the costume and he drops her.  But not before she sees that the man is...SWAHILI JOE!

And then Kate's horrified expression froze on her face forever.

The mystery gets more convoluted as they find out that Lilia's long-lost brother, Taizam, did survive the lion attack but is missing...and he might be in league with Swahili Joe!  When the girls track down Mr. Tangor, the man from whom the spider sapphire was stolen, he tells them that the missing guide was involved in the crime.  Not wanting to believe it, the girls suspect Mr. Tangor for a time, but eventually clear him of any skulduggery.

Once the group arrives in a town, they take in the African culture.  Nancy even has a local man make a "death mask," which is a mask of one's face so that their loved ones will have something to comfort them in case of an early demise.  A little dark, but the mortality rate is likely higher in this small village so it makes a certain amount of sense.  He gives Nancy the mask for free, revealing that there is a secret compartment in the eye sockets where one can hide jewels or valuables to prevent their theft during a home robbery.  I normally wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph of the review to this, but you'll see why I did in a bit.

The girls finally find Taizam, who has been suffering from amnesia since his experience.  In an absurd turn, Nancy is able to snap him out of his amnesia forever by simply singing the Swahili lullabye (oh that's right, Nancy can sing beautifully in Swahili now BTW) that his sister used to sing him.  This is the craziest amnesia turnaround since The Ringmaster's Secret.  Either way, the girls get the best clue yet from Taizam once he remembers his recent past.  He was almost mauled after he caught the gang stealing the spider sapphire.  Nancy and the gang realize that Jahan and Dhan must have started the rumor that Taizam was responsible to keep their own dirty affairs under wraps.  Taizam remembers them mentioning an old dungeon and Vasco de Gama, so our detectives set off to find it.  Once they find the dungeon, Nancy locates the spider sapphire, cleverly tucking it into the eye socket compartment of her death mask for safe keeping (see!  I told you the death mask was important.  So, when the evil Jahad and Dhan show up, brandishing whips, she is ready.

Not to be taken down easily, Nancy completely throws the men off their game by explaining their crime to them (Poirot-style).  Somehow, in the course of the last day, she has put together the whole thing.  The two men are not working for Swahili Joe, but a man named Rhim Rhao, who had been pretending to be a trusted contact of Mr. Tangor.  Swahili Joe was just a pawn in all of this. 

Fortunately, they are able to take the men down and track down Rhim Rhao who was very surprised to be arrested for his clever cover-up.  The mystery is solved, but Nancy is already jonesing for a new one.  She'll have to wait until The Invisible Intruder.

This book was great in parts, but the "holy shit!" racism in this really pulled me out of the story, and thus gets a full 2-3 mags taken off.    Although this could have been 4, this one gets 2 out of 5 mags.  

2/5

Head Injuries:  0 (21 total)
Racisms: Too many to count
Most problematic villain name: Swahili Joe

Book #44: The Clue in the Crossword Cipher

This book's got a little bit of everything: travel, intrigue, natural disasters, interestingly-named villains (El Gato), disguises and phat George Fayne judo moves.  Unfortunately, there's one other not-so-great thing this novel has in spades: the constant fat shaming of Bess Marvin.  Thus, part of my review will be in the form of a Lifetime or Hallmark movie, entitled:

Too Fat to Ride an Alpaca: 

The Mysterious Fat Shaming of Bess Marvin

A small town girl, Bess Marvin never imagined she'd end up as the unwitting third member of a detective team.  All her life, she'd been scared--scared of smugglers trying to kill her, of out-of-place sailors, and most of all--letting people in.  You see, Bess faces a tragic hardship.

Her parents, if you can call them that, are basically invisible.  Barely around, they only seem to show up when their house is being robbed, their family fortune in question, or as a dim voice at the other end of the phone when Bess is asking to fly off on one of her many trips with girl detective Nancy Drew.  At first, Bess was happy with the freedom Mr. and Mrs. Marvin's negligent parenting allowed.  But, as the year wore on for some eighty years, their careless attitude gave Bess a complex.  Why is it that her parents never seemed to be around?  So, Bess did the only thing she could do: eat.

Yes, she ate and ate and ate.  Of course, realistically, she only ate a little more than her friends.  And all illustrations depict her as vaguely the same size as her cousin, George and friend, Nancy Drew.  Why then, is she the constant butt of jokes and subject of ridicule?  Why can't her friends just let her eat that second piece of corn with swiss cheese on it?  Bess doesn't know.  All she knows is that life scares her.  And carbs are great.

"I'm just so excited about this trip to South America," Bess Marvin exclaimed, tossing her mane of light blonde hair.  "I might just burst."  Bess placed her hands on her slightly curvaceous hips.

George Fayne snorted in reply.  "My dear, fat cousin," she said.  "Maybe hold onto that feeling.  Because then maybe you won't eat so much, fatso."

Bess's eyes glimmered with tears, but she said nothing.  The girls' trip to Lima was peppered with just such remarks--George grabbing her arm as she went for an extra piece of bread, George laughing at her desire for South American food, and George warning her not to eat that extra corn cobb with cheese on in.

Barely able to take it, our heroine takes to the streets on her own, only to be asked out by some smarmy loser and then chased by a ne'er do well.  Winded from the extra cheese corn, Bess falls to her feet in tears.  Can she possibly overcome these hardships?  Was George right?  And will the fat shaming ever end?

Sadly, this book has a tragic end.  Despite Bess's bravery in the face of villains, she is left just as she is at the start: a scaredy-cat.  The butt of a joke.  Too fat...to ride an alpaca.

The End

***

Alright, so there was actually a mystery in here too.  A Pervian American Princess (PAP?), Carla Ponce, asks Nancy to solve an old family mystery.  The Ponce family has a very old wooden plaque left by a centuries-old relative.  There is a message on the plaque, but in cipher form and has been very difficult to interpret.  There are long-standing rumors of a family fortune as well, something that Carla Ponce and her parents scarcely seem to need.  But, despite the fact that this mystery has no obvious charity case, Nancy is intrigued.  Adding to the risk factor is a letter sent to Carla that says: "Cuidado con el gato," or, for you English-only speakers: Beware of the cat!

Nancy, Bess, George and Carla fly to Lima, Peru, where her parents live.  Of course, even before they leave, several attempts at theft are made on the plaque and we know that some gang of villains has figured out that they are on the trail of a treasure.  When they arrive in Peru, they meet all sorts of shifty figures, any of whom could be the mysterious El Gato.  Because the wood from the plaque comes from the arreyanes forest, Nancy asks to go there. 

Because they can just fly to Argentina, no problem.  Hah!

Oh, wait.  I forgot.  Carla's parents are rich, and willing to fly Nancy anywhere.  Apparently, it coincides with some kind of golf tournament in a fancy hotel.  Seriously, do these people really need a fortune?  

Over the curse of the book, Nancy and her friends travel to Argentina and the famed  Machu Pichhu with a paid guide.  They eventually solve the code on the plaque, which ends up being something like "purple monkey dishwasher" but I don't really remember.  Eventually, they realize that El Gato himself is a smuggler that has been posing as the assistant to a woodworking master they had previously asked for help.  They had suspected him of being a part of the gang all along but--surprise, surprise--he was the final boss.  

Well, "final boss" in the sense that he was the main villain.  He actually confessed and went pretty quietly.  Once they were rid of El Gato, the Ponce's dug up their ancestor and robbed his shallow grave of its riches.  Yaaaaayyyyyy!...?

This book was actually quite good, save for the constant fat shaming of Bess.  Seriously, I kind of wanted to punch George in the face throughout the book.  At one point, she tries to ride an alpaca (hence my Lifetime title) and is told she must be too heavy because she weighs over a hundred pounds.  Is that really fat back in 1967?  Or is Bess like 4'8"?  Because, estimating Bess's height at a petite 5'2", even if she weighed 120 that would be within a normal weight range.  

And I know that George is the main offender here, but I feel like Nancy could step in.  Because right now, I feel like I'm solving The Mystery of the Terrible Friends.  Let Bess eat her frikkin' cheesy corn.  Unless the cover art depicts her as 100 lbs. lighter than she actually is, she's fine.

Nevertheless, as a mystery, this one gets a strong 4/5 mags.

Head injuries: 1 (21 total)
Explosions: 1 (10 total)
Fat jokes: Oh my, yes...

Book #43: The Mystery of the 99 Steps

...or, as it's known by me: The Mystery of the 12-15 Staircases, All of Which Have 99 Steps, also known as The Case of the Frightened Fincancier.

I'm back, everyone!  I took a little respite due to holiday business but now I'm back on that addictive Nancy Drew juice, and I hope to crank out a few more reviews before the year is out!

This tale starts, as per usual, back in River Heights, where Nancy is explaining to Bess and George that they must accompany her to France for a case that she calls "The Mystery of the 99 Steps," accompanying Carson Drew on his own legal case. This mystery is so named because a local French ex-pat, Josette Blair has been having numerous recurring dreams about a secret on a 99th step.  She shared her dreams with a few, but then received a letter in French that said: Tell no one about the 99 Steps.  --Monsieur Neuf 

Quickly, Nancy also explains that a pair of French siblings (Monique and Marie Bardot) will be taking their place in a sort of foreign exchange deal, with Nancy and the girls staying with the sisters' parents in France.  George jokingly asks if there will be a boy to replace her, and I raise an eyebrow, but choose to let my favorite tomboyish character work out her gender identity in her own time.  The Bardot sisters have barely arrived when a strange man strong-arms his way into the Drew home.  He shoves a letter into Nancy's hand and leaves.  And what does the letter say, you may ask?  Well, fortunately, they don't pull a Nancy's Mysterious Letter and make us wait 75 pages.  The note says, in clear bold writing: STAY OUT OF FRANCE!  --MONSIEUR NEUF

Alright, it's time for me to bring up the name.  I did a lot of soul searching about this name.  Monsieur Neuf...best villain name so far?  It is hilarious, like the name of a nebulously foreign Scooby Doo bad guy.  But, as it always has so far....it always comes back to Snorky.  Heh.  Snorky.

Anyhoo, once again an idiotic villain has chosen to peak Nancy's curiosity by threatening her rather than playing it cool.  Good going, Mister Nine.  When Carson comes back home to discuss the details of the trip with the girls, they find out that he wants their help on a mystery he likes to call: "The Case of the Frightened Financier."

Okay, wait.  Is this the mystery of the 99 steps or the frightened financier?  Even before these two cases are inexplicably linked, I'm already confused.

Apparently, some investors have hired Mr. Drew to find out why a French mogul has been selling stocks and securities in his company without any reason or financial advice.  Such a dramatic move has already had an effect on the economy, as it is a huge company.  Nancy and the girls agree to help him.  Before they leave for France, however, Nancy helps the Bardot sisters settle in, even asking them to sing in a local review.  Unfortunately, the man who had left the note (is he Monsieur Neuf?) stalks the girls and almost attacks them.  The man is caught and I briefly wonder how there is still 150 pages left in this book, until I remember the 99 steps and financier.  The man, named Claude Aubert, is clearly connected with the mystery/mysteries but Carson, Nancy, Bess and George have little time to  figure this out as they are scheduled to leave.

And off to France we go!

The rest of the book is mainly a series of amusing montages featuring the girls locating several staircases with 99 steps.  Some have suspicious markings, some have children in suits of armor, some have giant French women who threaten to bump the girls down each of the near 100 steps like an Oompa Loompa.

Of course, as is usual with Nancy Drew books in foreign locations, there's also a lot of history and education.  The case of the frightened financier turns out to have a lot to do with alchemy, as Claude Aubert's twin brother (Louie Aubert) has been posing as a Middle Eastern swami-type man that has convinced the financier, Monsieur Leblanc, that he can turn any substance into gold.  While in his Arabian gear, the girls simply refer to Louie Aubert as "The Arab" over and over again until my politically correct ass starts rolling around in its future grave.  The girls also realize that Josette Blair's memory of the 99 steps is due to the fact that her governess as a child was involved with, and now married to, the villain Louie Aubert.  It was a recovered memory of something that scared her as a toddler.

The frightened financier is obviously very grateful, as is Carson Drew, who offers Nancy half of his legal fee.

Um, what about Bess and George?

Anyhow, all's well that ends well (except for poor Bess and George, who paid for a trip to France and get little acclaim) with another two mysteries solved.

This book is definitely enjoyable in some ways, but there were quite a few issues for me.  For one, we never really get to know Ms. Blair, so her mystery always seems quite vague and I never really care about it.  The frightened financier seems like an idiot, and part of me feels like he's similar to the characters in The Ghost of Blackwood Hall--too stupid for me to feel bad for.  Also, there are so many superfluous French characters that are too minor to care about but take up text nonetheless, and it was very difficult for me to keep track.  Also, Louie Aubert has so many aliases by the end of the book that Monsieur Neuf is all but forgotten.  Boooooo.  This one gets 3/5 mags.  Not great, but certainly not bad either.

Head Injuries: 0 (20 total)

Best Villain Name Runner-Up: Monsieur Neuf!